Black Mamba Venom

Today I feel good.

I feel loved. Jessamyn is amazing. I adore her. I miss Sohrab, but we'll be together soon. I love him and everything he says. I get to be a pirate later. I got the best grade in discussion classes on my paper that I didn't put any real effort into. I am happy with my appearance today. My hip piercing is healing great. I got cool new shoes :P. Static electricity is not my friend because I've been shocked on 4 different surfaces but I am fine with that. Last night I had noodles and company. Tonight I see Kevin and Schneidy and that's exciting. California boys are awesome at keeping me amused. I have great new music. Lady gaga bracelet has been found. I finally get to do my laundry today. I'm going home :) I've had 2.75 energy drinks, that's probably the part that is making me write this pointless blog. The way I feel right now, makes life worth it.

I have a poem to post later, and I'll probably have more shenanigan writing.

"It's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes."

Together.

I was used and abused
Set off the devil's fuse
Beaten and mistreated
My virginity was cheated

You knew death, no breath
He choked on devil's meth
Alone in danger zone
Without him there to see you grow

We've all led fucked up lives
Pretend we're normal
Dictate our children to carry on the lies
We stay in denial
But disclose secrets for the compromise
And the system continues
Whether this is our demise or our key to the skies
Doesn't really matter
Because it's how we stay together

Awake the recesses of heart

I'm such a cheesy rhymer...

Centuries, I have lived
Seen the rise and fall
A world alone
Lost with failing call
Seen the healed and dead
A corpse alone
Decapitated
Seen the fake and real
A shell alone
Eyes that cannot feel

Awake the recesses of heart
Create solid ground
Awake the recesses of heart
Equate yourself found

Centuries, we have lived
Been the fall and rise
We are alone
Lost with no allies
Been the dead and healed
They are alone
In death is revealed
Been the real and fake
Mimic alone
The soul and eyes make

Awake the recesses of heart
Create solid ground
Awake the recesses of heart
Equate yourself found

Crash into nocturnal phantasm
Splintering authenticity, forgiving evil
Forget all severed fantasy
Separating synchronicity, revert primeval

Awake the recesses of heart
Create solid ground
Awake the recesses of heart
Equate yourself found
Awake the recesses of the heart
Awake the soul
Awake the recesses of the heart
Awake our souls

What I love about life

So this list is needed to make me start thinking more positively. Just a small list.

1) Being a woman. Yeah, that's right. Women are sexy. Women are strong. Women get to have babies. But don't get me wrong, I love to be the big spoon sometimes.

2) Suits. Barney Stinson has it right.

3) Laser tag. Such a blast, even if you have no idea what a base is or how to aim.

4) Masturbation. I'm going there. And going there and going there and uhhh ohhh. That's the stuff.

5) Making out. Nothing beats kissing. Nothing.

6) Blogs. WHAT UP! I love writing here. It's semi public and semi private. It means that people can at least try to understand me.

7) Megan Fox. She had to be on the list.

8) Taylor Momsen. My new female crush, I may want her more than Megan Fox... I can't decided. But when this girl sings in her lingerie, I go crazy.

9) NPH himself. Anything he does I love.

10) Joss Whedon. Anybody who disagrees can never talk to me again.

11) Musicals. I can't say where I'd be now if I had never seen Rent. That show changed everything for me. Actually, it really made me grow up in 8th grade, and made me start dealing with some adult themes at 13.

12) Make-up. I still want to drop out of UW Madison and go to a cosmetology school and do make-up for TV and movies or Kim Kardashian.

13) Sonny. He's always there.

14) Jessica. She's my other half.

15) Megan. I'm kind of obsessed with her haha. Though we both do things to frustrate each other, I want her approval more than anyone else's.

16) Tia. She radiates light and beauty.

17) Bimpe. She tells me like it is when I reallllly don't want to hear it.

18) Leland. He keeps me going on a daily basis here at school.

19) Sam. He's never been anything but awesome to me.

20) Jessamyn. She fucking rocks. I love this girl, and she's my best gal.

21) Sohrab. I wish there was a way to explain how happy he makes me. The highlight of my day, every day, whether or not we are together. There's just something about him.

22) Avenged Sevenfold. If you don't like them, I don't want to hear your opinion. These guys just make life more exhilarating.

23) Hair dye. Yes, I'm lame.

24) The word "awesome." It's just the best one.

25) Jawbreakers. I CAN'T STOP EATING THEM HERE! It's so bad for my teeth.

26) Writing. I'm writing a book. I hope a lot of people will like it. I hope I'll like it haha. I'm my own worst critic of course.

The most ridiculous feeling

When he texts me that goofy smiley =), my heart flutters.
And if I so happen to say something that grants me the even more special =D grin, my spirits are lifted.
He takes the world away, it's just us.

And I couldn't be happier than here with him, miles apart, giggling in response to every electronic love note.

I'll admit it

I'm weak. That's why I write here. That's why I believe if I ever am bothersome to anyone, they'll want to walk away from me forever.

So why should anyone care how I feel
I'm another pathetic excuse wanting reason to be real

So I'm dramatic. Leland said to me tonight that people shouldn't complain about heartbreak when they are those who are starving. My sister will be the first to tell you, I don't care about starving people.

Isn't that just disgusting? I hate just how selfish I can be.

So why should anyone care about me
I'm another pathetic morsel wanting reason for misery

I want it all to stop bothering me. I want to not need what I need. I want to not feel what I feel. Maybe this time it'll work.

Talk.

Talk is cheap.
It's all just semantics.
Why do you bother?
Leave me alone to panic.

Talk is cheap.
Words are just lies.
Why do you linger?
Leave me alone to die.

You know what I need?
Just one hit, just one cut,
Then I'm free.
Just one pill, just one touch,
Baby that's all that I need.

Talk is cheap.
Speech is censored.
Show me your mind,
Leave me alone answered.

Talk is cheap.
Addiction's expensive
Show me your drugs,
Leave me alone to live.

You know what I need?
Just one hit, just one cut,
Then I'm free.
Just one pill, just one touch,
Baby that's all that I need.

Numb.

Dear Self,

Today I realized my problem.

You broke me. You were the little chip that shattered the glass. You destroyed everything.

And I'm not putting all the blame on you, because I forgave you. I forgave you when it started. I knew it wasn't completely your fault.

But then again, these things don't just happen to everyone.

Don't hate your thoughts. It'll be okay, because to quote the wise, "every body's got to die sometime."


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He was what I wanted. Wasn't he? I sacrificed everything for him, I broke the heart of a boy I deeply cared for. And now he wanted to kiss me, and I had no reason not to. I leaned in, hoping my decision would be validated by the soon to explode sparks of true love. He was aggressive. I felt lips, I felt too much tongue. I felt a bite. I felt cold hands. I felt... nothing. I wanted to cry but I was too numb. I let him kiss me. I let him take away any part of me that was good with his lips. I let myself disappear into the absence of love and into the emptiness of physical desire.

Why wasn't this magical? Why didn't cliche phrases come to mind? Why did I want to pull away? And most startling, why couldn't I? Question after question ran through my head as I ignored what was happening. I separated myself from the reality, a boy s from my pathetic body that let a boy kiss her when he didn't love her. The body that was too numb to stand up and walk away. He pulled away to take a breath and smiled at me. I regained feeling in my fingertips, legs, and lips. He was expecting more. He can't touch me again, I thought. I'll freeze .I won't be able to push him off. I need to get away.

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There were these nights. I never mentioned them before, I didn't think they were significant. These nights, when things happened. Things that shouldn't have happened. I didn't know anything was wrong. At least, not until it was too late. Too late to understand. Too late to fix.

After... it... happened, I'd lie awake in bed staring into all corners of the room. I swear, I saw this ghost. He came back every night, right after. A tall, skinny silhouette of a man, wearing a trench coat and hat. He would pace back and forth in front of me. I didn't know what he wanted, but he made me feel cold. He made me feel numb. I couldn't do anything I wanted to: hide, cover myself with a shield of blankets, run to my parents. I just stared. My heart would pound harder and harder, until I settled into the fear. I replaced my caution with curiosity. I called out to him.


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These nights, they're just so hard to talk about. I don't want to use the wrong language. I don't want to be misunderstood. I wasn't mad it happened. It didn't fill me with resentment. I was accepting. I was confused, sure, but accepting nonetheless.

These nights, nobody could see the good in them. If I told someone they'd say how sorry they were that I had to experience that. They'd say, you must be troubled. They'd say, you should get some help. They'd say, you should talk to someone. They'd ask, do your parents know?

As if my parents knowing could make every ugly thing in this world beautiful again. As if they had this ability to make it all okay. Not that it wasn't okay, it was. Because you see, my turmoil comes from hiding this secret. Making it a secret, makes it mean more than it should. It gives it power.

They were just these nights. They're just memories now. They're just words. These nights don't have to mean anything. There is no one at fault for them, everyone involved was clueless. Especially me. Not to defend myself or anything, not to play the role of a victim.

It was okay. I was numb, but I was okay. He touched me, and I couldn't move anymore. I let him kiss me. I let him kiss more than my lips. I let him put his hands on me. In me. I said I'd never tell the times he realized I was awake. I was always awake. I let him take away any part of me that was good.

These nights, they weren't big deal. They just happened is all. I could have stopped them if I didn't think they were alright.

These nights, I don't think they were significant.

Misery

La la la la la.

Today is a lovely sort of day.
The kind that doesn't come around to often.

My heart is excited with anticipation,
and full with love.

Music is found in every sound,
dance is found in every step.

:D

Life can be beautiful.

But only for a little while,
because I'm too far gone to be saved.

Fiction.

That's the title of my first book. Now I just gotta write the damned thing.

Follows the tale of an average adolescent with average experiences.

PLOT LINE
Girl meets boy. Girl falls in love with boy. Girl meets other boy. Girl falls in love with other boy. Drama. Girl has unexpected fate. WHEEEE that's so original....

Elements to add to text:
Motifs - Music player, the type of lighting, fiction vs truth, time
Style - More old english romanatic era kind of stuff without the descriptions of freakin plants..
AMBIGUOUS ENDING, of course
Structure - Messy, jumping through time with the use of a music player

I have the whole thing playing in my mind and in my dreams. It was inspired by my this I believe and by previous stories I was working on. I just have to actually get the motivation to do it.

The Clock - Play version *very short* *first draft*

Stage Directions: Room is black, lights slowly begin to fade on, but stay dim. There is a grandfather clock stage right, ticking loudly. The ticks are not evenly paced, the time is seeming to get slower and slower. There is a book shelf stage left with a picture of a woman sitting high on the shelf. There is a window far stage right, to the side of the clock. It’s storming outside. You can just barely hear the pouring rain. A spotlight shines on a man sitting in a chair. I’d like to have music softly playing throughout the whole piece that matches the mood of each moment. The man is telling his story to the audience.

MAN (spoken dramatically, uneasily, acts as if he is in pain): Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Second by second. Tick, tiick, tiiick. The droning of the clock never ceases. Each second seems to modify in length, growing idler each instant; the shifting countdown of my sanity.

The man stands, spins slowly about the room. He walks toward the bookshelf, fixates on the picture. He looks down, sad, and then turns from it walking stage right and upstage angrily.

MAN (spoken in dream-like tone but with angered emotion): Weary of the unrelenting life surrounding me, I create an empty vortex of artificial existence. (While covering his ears and frustrated) Tick, tiick, tiiick. I must stay far away from this place, this deed, this crime. No one can accept the monstrous mask I so gallantly wear tonight. Other humans by nature are judgmentally sanctified and blessedly errant. (Walks stage left, and then paces back and forth until stage directions call to stop) By all that commands me, let it be. I accept the mendacity in the hearts of those I used to recognize to be all knowing and righteous. I allow myself to be a part of this whole, but my recent tribulation hath left me alone with shadows of demonic tones. One must find the balance between forgiven evil and the devil possessing the soul. Lightning swirls and dances outside my window in the gray, celestial sky. My eyes glow with every thunderous illumination.

There is a pause as the MAN walks back over to the picture frame. He strokes the edges, looking nostalgic. He goes and sits back down in the chair. Stage left, further left than the book shelf, there are shadows visible but nothing more. The light is shone upon this scene and upon the man in the chair and the clock. Only those three spotlights. The figures are just silhouettes of a man and woman. First appearing in a romantic embrace.

MAN: Before was different. Before, there was an unfaltering ray of everlasting light. (couple pulls away but keeps their hands laced together) The divine, honest light. There was a soul. (Blackness except for the clock, in normal time)

MAN: Tick, tick, tick. I am reminded of the grand clock in the corner of the room. Its paint is chipping away along with each movement of the secondhand. Time has resumed at a steady pace. I am losing faith that I could revert back to my stable mind. Tick, tick. (Light shines back on the man and couple, who are still hands en-laced and staring at one another)

MAN: Before, I was lively, I was open, I was free. Before was everything.
(The man in the couple pulls out a box and gets down on his knee, flips the cover open. The woman lightly jumps and then the two embrace. Then the room gets lighter, the whole space, no more spotlights are used)
The room becomes a faint blue.

The MAN stands and steps closer to the couple, staring at their love. Then the man in the couple pulls away from the embrace and pulls out a dagger. He begins stabbing the woman, slicing her torso and finally her throat. The room gets dark again except for the light on the clock and the MAN and the faint light coming from the window.. The MAN makes a gasp of pain and falls to the ground, then stares above himself. Light shadows appear above him, but there are only from the tree outside the window. He thinks these shadows are coming from somewhere else. He speaks of his circumstance, his breathing is sharp, it’s obvious he is being tormented.

MAN: Power surges through my body, and every nerve-ending wakes, generating a current pulsing through me like flames in my veins. My heart beat flutters and falters as I look up at the shadows. (In fear) They are here, above me. I look at the abysmal figures taunting me. (A loud ringing disturbing noise plays) Their sadistic language rings in my ears! (Unsteadily gets up from ground) I must hide.

The man trips a lot while walking the short distance to the table and ducks underneath it, getting close to the floor and covering his eyes. You can still hear the ringing noise.

MAN: (Grunting)I cower beneath my table and sink into the depths of the tile floor, shielding my eyes from the blinding darkness.
(Words “monster” “murder” and “remember Lenore” whisper repeatedly after about ten seconds man speaks again)
I feel the shadows whisper at the nape of my neck. They keep me sad, they keep me cursed. (Sad and dramatic) They keep me. (Voices stop, man uncovers his eyes and holds head up) Then silence.

MAN: Silence…(climbing out from under the table) growing louder, mocking me! (Standing now) The solitude is treacherous enough, but silence!

(Light flashes on couple scene again with the man standing over the dead woman’s corpse. The MAN falls to his knees and stares at the scene before him) Chiming in with an electroweak force, killing the energy within me. (Begins to fall forward but clock interrupts him, when the clock ticks the scene with the woman and man is black again. Light is shone on the clock, and thunder booms. The MAN is struck with fear and jumps to his feet at the sound of the first tick but is not in a full upright position)

MAN (Shouting wildly): Tick! Tick! Tick! A sudden roar escapes from time. (Walks upstage) Before, there was no fear. Now, I fear myself. (We see the faint shadow figures again, but they aren’t actually attacking him) One shadow caresses my cheek, gliding its form slow enough to send (trembles) stabbing shivers down my spine.
(Starts leaning backwards) The other shadow is clawing at my stomach, and I feel my skin shredding as it digs deeper. (Man tries to claw away shadows, tries to escape them. Walks to the other side of the stage. Starts to appear mad and insane to the audience)

MAN (filled with remorse and worry in his voice. Desperate to get the audience on his side): Before, I loved. I loved with such a passion, purity, and…(say this word carefully) precision. (This shows how he is turning from his side that loved to his side that murdered. He realizes this but tries to get the audience to not see that) That was and always will be, before.
(Stares back at the clock with the first tick) Tick! Tick! Almost nothing left. (Looks above him at the shadows) I deserve these shadows, (Looks around himself at the darkness) I deserve the darkness. (Puts hands and head, has panic attack) I can no longer breathe, can’t think… I am going to complete this trial. Admitting my sickness would keep me here. (Sounds nauseous) But I cannot. I do not dare to the speak words validating my malice. (Falls to the ground with the first tick) Tick! Tick! (Groans) Before, I confessed my sins. Before, I refrained from darkness. (Starts seizing on the floor with the first tick, shouting his words) Tick! Tick! Before, I could not inflict pain on anyone, especially her…

(Sound of woman screaming after the word “her”, then clock, the man tries to block out the sound and he begins screaming his words) Tick! Tick! Now I hear my scream! No, that cannot be. That is not me, that is... The victim! (Slightly quieter and stopping seizing) Tick! Tick! After, I felt ashamed. The shadows are forcing me to remember my offense… and the guilt consumes me, attacks. (Slightly louder and standing up) Tick! Tick! Tick! After, I felt enraged. I felt strong, (backs off his anger) I felt frail.

(Rubs torso when he talks about it, there is blood on his hands (the MAN thinks there is blood and that’s why we see it. In perfect reality, it doesn’t exist)) One shadow moves away from my freshly slashed torso to my eyes. (Repeats in a singsong but sad tone.) My eyes. (Stares at audience, saying these lines as eerily as possible) I read the shadow’s thoughts; it’s bewilderment at the transparent splendor. Moments of hurried bliss pause the clock. (Look at clock when saying the word clock, and then quickly back to the audience. This whole part should be calm and collected but scary and schizophrenic) But sooner or later, time must continue.
(Tilts head at audience. There is a dramatic pause. And then the clock begins and the man thrashes with the first tick) Tick! Tick! The burning! (Man is in searing pain, moving about stage ducking and covering his eyes, fighting off the imagined shadows) My eyes catch flame staring into the perpetual oblivion of the shadow. (Throws head backwards and yells with the first tick) Tick! Tick! After, my soul left me. (Disgust and contempt) I am a shell of a human that once was. (Grabs at chest, pops twice almost like from a dance, begins next line while doing this) A piercing jolt rages through my heart as another shadow returns to me and shrieks an ephemeral, frantic howl. (Howl noise heard. Man covers ears and tilts torso deep to one side staring head forward at the audience and says the next line softly) Hopelessness… My consciousness is fleeting. (LOUDEST yet at the sound of the first tick man is in complete anguish and you can tell by his physical gestures and facial expression, quickly and regrettably reveals his truth) Tick! Tick! TICK! After, I felt I died along with my Lenore!

Thunder booms from out the window and the clock is still ticking as the scene goes black after the man confesses the murder of his wife. Then steadily the clock slows down. A single spotlight comes back on the MAN sitting on the chair.

MAN (Numb and dry, eerily, hunched over chair with elbow on table): Tick, tiick, tiiick. Second by second. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. I freeze while needles attack me with numbness. The shadows. They wrap themselves around me, constricting me of life, of thought, of sorrow, of faith. (Slowly turns head to the front, blood is dripping from his throat (remember this doesn’t actually exist)) My throat is slit, and the blood keeps trickling. I try to cling to my life but the shadows make me see I have no reason. I must forget that horrific, unspeakable second, and the beauty that once lived prior to this night. (The man slowly but steadily stands) But before, I wasn’t a murderer. The shadows overwhelm, all goes blank. The world is hushed except for the tick, tiick, tiiick. (Falls to knees on third tick, says the last line very quietly and with no emotion) The droning of the clock never ceases. (Falls completely, he dies. Clock keeps ticking after scene goes black, time going on in a monotonous tone, slowly but never stopping until house lights come on.)