I'm here in my room as schneidy is filming me and I'm supposed to be typing. I decided I might as well use this opportunity to write a fascinating piece of art. Jk. Lolz. I don't know what to write now this is awkward I'm trying really hard not to smile as I type and I'm realizing how much I mess up and I have to use the backspace key.

Ready

:)
Thursday.
I can't wait.

I was talking

to my friend Megan.
I asked her when was the
moment?
The right time to say those
words that can make or break.

Her response was simple.
Tell him when it feels
right.
But what if right for me
is different for him?

I'm reading this book
about people in love with the
wrong people.
Love and happiness build and
build until everything falls.

It's all smoke and mirrors,
but mirrors cannot tell
lies.
I know as I read I'm steadily
giving myself away.

I'm going to tell him,
in a moment that feels, and is,
deserving.
And I decided I'm not afraid
if I'm alone.

But I hope to gain
something that battles mythical
fairy tales.
And to hear those words,
ah, that would be magic.

Glee shirt

Glee had an episode tonight about embracing the way you were born, even the things you don't love. They wore shirts that said their worst traits, and they learned to appreciate them or accept them in some cases.

What would my shirt say? I don't know.

Physically? I immediately think of my chest, and how I wish it was more like the girls you see in magazines. I can't really change that with diet and exercise. I think of my skin... I wish it was clear. But that's a teenage hormonal imbalance.

Mentally? Depressed at times. Insomniac. Panic disorder. Maybe a little manic in moments. But these don't haunt me as much anymore.

I think... "VAIN." That's sad.

I decided

Just now. It became clear. Vivid. Open. Beautiful.

I love this.

I refuse

to be a part of this culture that demeans love.

Games, lack of communication, what is this bullshit? What about just genuinely always looking out for another other than just being so fascinated with how they make you feel? What about getting to know someone without putting up any sort of flirtatious front? What about the natural order or things?

It's just so annoying. This... what does that text mean? Or... I'm mad at them because they haven't been paying enough attention to me. Why? Can't you just be grateful and happy to have the chance to even have that person in your life? Can't you just be willing to treat them with the utmost love and respect with expectation to be treated the same?

Everyone is so god damn selfish when it comes to "love." I fear that it no longer possesses depth. I fear it no longer means anything of value.

Exhibit A:
5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN
(1) FINE - this is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.
(2) NOTHING - means SOMETHING & u need to be WORRIED.
(3) GO AHEAD - this is a dare, not permission, do NOT do it.
(4) WHATEVER - is a woman's way of saying SCREW YOU.
(5) THAT'S OK - she is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.

Gross.

Exhibit B:
DEAR MEN: Is it Genetically encoded in you to lie, decieve, and just generally disappoint?

Nasty.

Exhibit C:
I'm giving up love for lent.

Seriously?


I guess I'll just never understand. I was like this when I was fifteen. Fifteen and thought I knew everything. Fifteen and blind. Fifteen and clueless.

A few things to address

I have always been jealous of your closeness. No one else seems to come any closer. I always wanted that. I always wanted a friend like that.
But I do have that best girl friend, my sister.
And my best guy friend, my brother.
And I give myself to love more than most.

I have no reason to be jealous. I have that closeness of friendship. Although blood ties, I think that only makes it stronger, not less valid.
And you don't have that closeness in love. You can't have it when you have secrets and lies. You can think you have it. Thinking about possessing it and actually possessing it are very different.

**************************************

I would never draw you a picture
of my mind's fantasies
Though some entertain and others protect
none are real

I would never lead you to believe
in my silly stories
Though some seem vibrant and loving
they're all lies

I give you my heart and I give you the truth
You deserve that kind of love
You deserve everything

Blog

I'm still awake at 3:50 am, and the only thing on my mind is all that fantastical nonsense. Okay, so maybe I don't feel it's nonsense. I think I feel it's magical. I think I feel it's powerful. I think I feel it's everything. I think, above all else, the force I believe in is love.

But at the moment, I can't place feelings to words. I'm trying to keep level-headed. I'm trying to do things by the book. But what book? Doesn't every romance have their own fairytale, complete with illustrations (I really asked that...)?

I'm rather certain what I feel is true. I'm rather certain what I feel is beautiful. I'm not certain, however, how you would feel about how I feel.

To You

The moon beams bright tonight,
and I can't sleep because I'm scared I might
get lost in dreams

And sometimes I dream you're here,
and I wake up alone, filled with fear
that you don't exist

***********************

To you

I think I feel your heart
It steadily beats beside mine
Resting in my chest
Singing to me the sounds of your love

I think I feel your heart
It races quickly with mine
Pounding in my chest
Screaming to me the thrills of your love

I think I feel your heart
It belongs to mine
Forever in my chest
Pulsing your love through my veins

***********************

Speak

To you
Who brought me to life with a single breath
Whose kiss I'll always remember but completely lost
Who killed me

To you
Who brought me to life with a single touch
Whose kiss I'll always miss but completely regret
Who killed me

To you
Who brought me to life with a single look
Whose kiss I'll always feel but completely left
Who killed me

To you
Who brought me to life with a single word
Whose kiss I'll always dream of but completely missed
Who killed me

To you all
Who brought me to life and meant everything
Whose love no longer matters but completely did
Who murdered my heart
Who kept it beating
Who cut me to pieces
Who stopped the bleeding
Whose kiss stopped time but kept on repeating

To you all
Who brought me new life with our single romance
Thank you

I slept so well, I think I've died and gone to Heaven.
I'd say about 12 hours straight.

Oh my word, it was much needed.

And last night, ah, such a good night. And yesterday, ah, such a good day.


But why did I do it? I don't think I know.

Get over yourself

If you know best, why are you so confused? If you know all the answers, why do you ask questions? Think about what you're saying. What you're doing.

Don't show vulnerability then immediately set up a series of strong defense. That won't get you anywhere. Anything.

You're clueless, you know it, but you're too afraid to show it.

It makes me nervous to say so.

A perfect weekend. I wouldn't change a moment.

My heart was working overtime. At night it was racing and racing as I felt more and more. I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. I don't want to mess this up in any way. It's incredible. I'm afraid truly reducing what I feel to words could ruin it. Honestly, I don't really know what I feel. Not exactly. But I'm so excited to find out.

I think this is how my life was always supposed to be, and these people I've become so close have always been my best friends. It's like everything was always leading here, and now it's finally time. Now all the stars finally align.

I know, that's silly. I'm existential, I shouldn't be talking this way. Life is inherently meaningless, no events are "supposed" to happen. There is no reason.

But this is beautiful. Magical, even. I refuse to call it mere coincidence.

Tell her the

TRUTH! -Genie of the lamp.
Aladdin learned his lesson, lies catch up with you. Lying may seem to be the right way to get you what you want, but in the end, it ruins your chances.

Sure, there are a lot of times when people lie and never get caught. Say, with cheating. Even if they never get caught, if they aren't honest with their significant other about what happened then they have a relationship based on (pardon my french) jack shit. Relationships have a constant exchange of trust. Lying breaks that trust. People SHOULD care that holding back that information does in fact make your relationship mean a hell of a lot less. But they don't. Some people can have repeated affairs and not feel an ounce of guilt.

And why do they have these repeated affairs? Well... their relationship can't be too strong if they are seeking attention elsewhere. Some would argue it's a biological want to be with as many people as you can if you're a guy, to repopulate. Women don't have that luxury excuse since they don't have time to fuck everything fuckable when they have to have babies.

Maybe I'm traditional. Maybe I'm full of fantasy. But I believe that you shouldn't lie and you shouldn't cheat. Have I done it before? Yes. I gave into the moment. However I did immediately end my relationship the next day because I knew that if I cheat, I'm not being fulfilled in the relationship. Sure, people can cheat and be honest about it and forgive and forget. They can grow stronger. I personally can't move past that disrespect, and I feel awful I did that to people I cared about in the past.

But honestly, if you love someone... Truly love them, have their best interests at heart... You don't do them that kind of disrespect. You don't act selfish at their expense. You don't cheat.

I look at the past circumstances where I cheated. We both didn't respect each other, and so... we didn't really love each other. We pretended we did. What was that worth?





Nothing.

4 Hour Skype

I don't even know how to express how happy I've been lately.
Today my sister had me attend this introduction meeting to this self-help education, and I swear I felt like I was the happiest and most self-sufficient person there.
I'm excited about this direction my life has taken. I love where I'm at, I love the people around me, and I love not knowing what will happen next.

Also, my longest skype session to date occurred this evening. It's funny how something like that can be beyond wonderful.

:D

They're just feelings right?

They change. All the time and often.

Can't stop feeling them though, even when you want to.

But it's just me, and I don't matter nearly as much as I would like to.
Honestly, none of us matter nearly as much as we would like to.

So, where do you go from there?
Once you accept that you're not special, and that people never change, and that bonds will inevitably break because everyone is so in love with themselves.



Here's where I get creative, because all I can do is pretend.

I Tried

When someone asks you to save them, and you love them, you try to.
And then fight against it, because it's hard to be saved.
But how long do you keep trying? They burn you. And all you do is love them, listen to what they say, and try to help the best you can.

But it's easier to pretend your problems don't exist and act like you never asked for saving in the first place.

I'm done trying. And you don't stand a chance.

"In The Space"

With all these changes I'm making,
there is one piece of my heart breaking.

I trust myself here
In this body
Where I know who I am
And this soul
Where I know what I can be

And with every decision that's right for me,
there are endless possibilities.

I trust myself here
In this body
Where I know who I am
And this soul
Where I know what I can be

All I can do is provide love and light,
for all broken ties to mend shiny and bright.

I trust myself here
In this body
Where I know who I am
And this soul
Where I know what I can be

And I know I have to hurt some that I love,
but I hope they understand our journey's not done.

New New

I've forgotten that fantasy, and I'm free to experience something completely new.
It's been comfortable and easy and wonderful and I can't stop smiling.

mrow mrow mrow :)

New

This is different.

He's wonderful. Spending time with him is like a dream really, I lose all concept of time and become attuned to his every touch. With him, it's easy. Not one note clashes. The refrain is simple. Every moment soothing, pretty.

And he's a surprise. I wasn't expecting to feel this way but he makes me smile and feel some wonderful force pulse through me.

And he's real. He's there. He's not making excuses. He's not distant in heart.



But my heart is confused because of the fantasy I dream of.

*Smile
Dance, laughter, dance
Eyes light
Love all around
Dream
Sing, whisper, sing
Heart feels
Love all around*

Meow.

Lately my dreams have been hard to escape,
every demon is chasing me but I have no where to run.



Be My Escape - Relient K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You