Life as of... this moment.

I lack the inspiration to keep writing fiction lately because real life is plaguing me. Honestly, I think the way I was raised is beginning to affect my life in a very negative way. I have realized that I'm not very open and I'm not very forgiving. These are two traits I believe are important to possess.

I wish we lived in a world that didn't function the way ours does. That people were confident enough to be social without having to be impaired. Has anyone else in this world also thought... hey, that's kinda lame? Because I'm stepping up here and saying it is.

I think... I need to get away. I need to go somewhere secluded where I can reevaluate my life and focus on being a writer. I can't wait to go to spain. I can't wait to accomplish all that I want to do and actually feel proud of myself.

Right now, everything is pretty sucky. The past keeps reaching after me as the future isn't fulfilling me. It's hard when you have someone who knows you, knows what you need, knows what you want, and then you have someone who doesn't get it. You try and get the attention of one but when they aren't there... all you want to do is turn back to what's familiar and treats you right. Well, that's lame. That's worse than having to be impaired to be social. Having to have someone makes me feel like a failure.

Dooo dooo dooo doo.

My main goals right now:

*Drop down to a size 3 at least, size 1 if I feel it's possible, but I think my bones aren't even that small. I want to be in terrific shape, which is why I have already set up a diet and exercise plan for myself so I can feel good health wise and feel good about the way I look. About freakin' time.

*Stop saying the phrase legit, because it's stupid. Damn it, it catches on though.

*Learn how to be a good student and get good grades. Especially in Spanish, I'm so nervous for that class.

*Learn how to instruct dance!

*Stop wasting money. That's going to be the hardest one. I like buying new piercings, tattoos, clothes, etc.

*Get my book down by my sister's birthday, March 10th. I just have to.

Frarrrrr.

So I'm okay. I'm not great, I'm not even good I would say. I'm definitely not bad in any way, not even a little. I'm right on the dotted line.
I know that this is an adjustment and people change once they start a new life, it's all a matter of getting use to growing up. Problem is, I'm more into the grown up that my sister and brother are (30 and 27, respectively) rather the college kid version. College I suppose is more a time for trial and error, and I suppose I want to fast forward to the place where people actually have a clue.

Uhm.?

I'm working on designing my next tattoo, it's going to be a dragon down my left ankle on the outside. I'm very excited about it. Of course it'll be all black.. I will never get a color tattoo.

My next piercing is an industrial on my left ear. That should be neato.

My next hair change is going to be a red streak on the right side behind my bangs.

I don't know why I'm writing about this, it's so irrelevant to everything... but it's my blog so I DO WHAT I WANT.


I feel so completely weird right now I can't even fully describe it. So I won't.

My New Fictional Story

I'm writing a story about a girl named Blake Slate, who decides to change her perception of her life. Should be interesting if I write it well...

It's on my new blog:

thestarswillguideyou.blogspot.com

I think from now on anything fictional will be there!

:D

Let Us Linger Here A While In The Foolishness Of Things

I want to be beautiful. Not like... Oh wow, your spirit is radiant and your heart is kind... beautiful.
I want to be beautiful. I want to be striking.

It's so ridiculous, letting something like physical appearance dominate how you feel about yourself. I can't help it, it's the way I was raised.

People have told me I'm beautiful, as every person should get to experience that. But I feel this is a custom, I feel that's it's just lies and slander being whispered to me.

Today my brother said to me, "Every time you say you don't like the way you look, I am so confused. You're pretty. You're beautiful, you always look great because that's what you are. A pretty girl."

And his words should've meant something, right? But they didn't. All I could feel was disgust when I looked in the mirror.

Maybe it's not that I was to be found beautiful by other people. I want to be my own unique type of beauty that I find extraordinary. Maybe I already am but I'm too blinded by insecurity to see myself. To see that maybe.. I do think I'm beautiful.

I hope I believe it someday.

**********************************************************************************

I'm sick of friendships that aren't meaningful. I only want strictly awesome amazing people I really connect well with in my life from now on. I'm so ready for college, for starting something completely new. However, I'm holding onto the people and parts of myself that I love and matter most to me. I don't feel like that's a bad thing, even if people say you shouldn't go to college attached. Now generally that's directed towards relationships, but think about it... There are so many other things to be attached to, and I personally am attached to soda, tv, sleeping, and expensive clothes way more than I should be. Those things definitely will hold me back more than a love interest ever would. I think my love life makes the world brighter, and as long as I'm happy I'd like to continue with it. I think that soda is unhealthy and I should let go of that one. I think tv is a distraction but grey's and glee are worth it. I think sleeping is essential. The expensive clothes... haven't bought any yet and don't plan on buying them until I make millions being awesome at the things I love to do. So... that's how I feel about life right now. Life is going places, I don't feel I'm at any sort of destination.. and that's okay. There is no destination.

The One.

I want to be the one.
The one girl that you just can't live without.
I want to be the girl that you brag to everyone about because you just feel so lucky to have her.
The one girl that your family and friends adore.
I want to be the one you can picture a future with.
The one girl that means everything.

Give me a chance to be her.

Book idea?

My whole life I craved magic. I read books and watched movies and sung melodies that carried the presence of mystery, paranormal, and fairy tale. I fell victim to thinking my life would never been as amazing as a wizard's, a mermaid's, or a sorceror's. I begged the universe to grant me powers, I asked a fictional God to give me clearity on my purpose.

Nothing happened.

But my dreams... my dreams are more vivid than my actual life. My dreams were powerful, exhillarting, and MAGICAL. Every night I had adventures, always in a Saga format. One feature length film at a time, all in succession. Those around me said there dreams didn't follow the same pattern. Apparently they had a random happening every time they fell asleep, nothing ever made sense.

Something happened.

It dawned on me, that perhaps my perception of what was dreaming and what was reality is flipped. That maybe someone in my "dream" life doesn't want me to know that it was all real. Somehow I was tricked into believing that this average life of mundane activity and endless, unfulfilled desires is everything.

I think I'm trapped.

Part 4: Fast forward

Turn the page. A new life, a new beginning, a seemingly new me. Here I was in a new town, trying accept that this is what I have become. I sat in the front row of my Biology class, as I did in most of my classes because alphabetical order was a torture device. I wanted to be in the back, where I wouldn't feel people staring at the back of my head. I hated attention, but I needed it. I needed to be noticed, to be important, to be special. I couldn't believe it myself, so maybe hundreds of burning eyes in one school day would be enough to give me a wake up call. One can only dream.

My teacher seemed to relate to football more than biology. We were talking about evolution, something I was hesistant to learn about. Many ideas of evolution conflict with creationism, and I wanted to stay lost in that day dream. I didn't want to question what I have been given. A few wise cracks from jocks would interrupt the teaching session, and then Mr. D, I suppose he only felt he deserved one letter of his last name uttered, would continue on a rant about football strategies. Kill me.

One boy near me was very smart. I could tell because he knew everything before Mr. D explained it. He got this look on his face that said, I know the answer, come on, CHALLENGE me. I was determined to do better than him this whole semester. I wanted to be the smartest. I was used to being the smartest. A series of small towns and small schools can do that to a person. But now, in a school with 2000 beings I didn't care to meet, I knew that it would be much more difficult to be the best.

Scribbled on a complementary popcorn bag

I gaze idly at the seconds ticking by on the digital clock before me. Almost time, I think. A few mundane tasks keep me busy as I try to ignore the incessant changes of numbers on the screen. Time. An imaginary measurement we created to make ourselves seem more permanent rather than to face our own mortality. Two minutes have passed since my last glance. What was I waiting for? My goal time of day and then what? Then nothing. The thought was so bittersweet. Still two minutes. I don't know why I only possess the ability to make this figment of my imagination go slower. I want to pick up the pace, to get to a point where something other than this nothingness is happening. Is that even possible? This job is so boring. The constant phrases of "would you like butter flavoring on that?" and "you know, for twenty-five cents more you could make that a large" seem to be coming from a source outside myself. Perhaps working a day shift is an out of body experience. But then why am I so aware of the clock? Four fucking minutes.

Thank you for the music, the songs I am singing.

Shinedown "45"

So whatever happened to the young man's heart?
It's swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart.
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life.
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed,
staring down the barrel of a 45.

Avenged Sevenfold "Fiction"

Gave you all I had to give
Found a place for me to rest my head
While I may be hard to find
Heard there's peace just on the other side

Not that I could
Or that I would
Let it burn
Under my skin
Let it burn

Left this life to set me free
Took a piece of you inside of me
All this hurt can finally fade
Promise me you’ll never feel afraid


********************************************************************************

Music shakes my soul.

Right now my heart hurts,
I don't know why.
I feel like I should cry,
but I have no tears.

Music saves my soul.

If I don't say it out loud, it won't be true.

If you don't want all of me,
every last part that makes me so difficult,
every screaming cry for help,
every high pitched giggle,
every broken dream and insecurity,
every fairytale belief and endless love,
then LET GO OF ME.

Please stop calling me in if this is just leading to an end.
I can't fathom an end, not right now.
Please stop making me lose balance and control,
if you're just going to break my heart like all the others.

I'm scared.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx don't speak.

If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave...
Because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx don't be there.

If I don't say the words out loud,
it can't be true.
If I keep pretending that you're here with me,
I'll never be alone.
If I don't give up on this nightmare,
my dream could be real.

Lover, Hey, Fuck You

I can see everything here with my third eye.

#################################################

When I was young I thought it'd be appropriate to leave
I believed running away from fears was always the key
But as I aged I found facing my evils and throwing up my defenses
Was much more respected than hiding behind my pretenses

The shadows were killing me, slashing my life
I knew that I couldn't give up, I had to fight
But they were too powerful, I couldn't hold my own
So something inside me started to accept the unknown

I granted night creatures the freedom to attack

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

My torture has been my fault
My agony was caused by me
I don't know how to handle that.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This evening I saw a star fall
I worried it was hurt
I didn't want to see it's pain

Curse those who took advantage
Wishing on a broken star
Who could possibly think that's sane?

The night felt endless
I stared at the dust in the sky
Where I saw that star

Shrieking silence filled the air
And I was so frightened
I hoped that it wouldn't be too far

I walked outside and followed
An illuminated path meant to be chosen
To help the universe find balance

As I approached I saw an abyss
I took a breath, it was now or never
I faced starry death in a trance

Falling forever, falling with purpose
I found that star along the way
And we fell together

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All the soarings of my mind begin in my blood. - Rainer Maria Rilke.

************************************************************

I want to sing.
I want the world to hear me.
I want to project my heart.
I want the world to feel me.
I want to dance.
I want the world to join me.
I want to cry.
I want the world to comfort me.
I want to scream.
I want the world to help me.
I want to fall.
I want the world to catch me.

======================================================

This year in school some of my friends were assigned to write about what they believed in. I began to question myself - What do I believe in?

I believe in love. I believe that one day you can feel empty and the next you can feel full. I believe that no matter how many times you are betrayed, you are still cared for. I believe that sometimes all it takes is one moment with one person to make a lifetime feel worth it. I believe in love. I believe we are alive for love, that without it we'd be lost. I believe emotions cause magic, and love creates miracles. I believe that the cynics try to disprove it's existence. I believe that anyone who doesn't believe in it has yet to experience it. I believe that love is a force, love is alive.

I believe in suicide. I believe one can accept the power to decide when their life ends instead of leaving it up to the universe. I believe in controlling your misery. I believe that your body is a cage and your spirit wants to break free. I believe it's okay to do that for yourself.

I believe in the unethical. I believe in murder. I believe in rape. I believe in suffering. I believe in pain. I believe in the absurdity of life. I believe that I have to accept it all or else I'd die of sadness. I believe that I hide behind these darker beliefs to prevent showing weakness. I believe it's okay to pretend you are stronger than you actually are. I believe it's okay to believe in ugly things.

I believe in music. I believe my heart has a rhythm meant to be strummed, drummed, or sung. I believe it's okay to cry because of the honesty in your own voice. I believe singing is healing. I believe that everyone is connected through music.

I believe in writing. I believe in this blog. I believe in myself. I believe in someday reaching everyone else.

Rambling/Part 3: Rewind to the beginning of the end

I had been on a rampage of posting pointless facebook notes, and one in particular asked for my friends to comment about me. One question asked what my best traits were, and one friend said: "You do this 'look into people's soul' thing. It's really cool."

I had no reflected on this aspect of myself. I never considered other people were interested in knowing the spiritual side of me. Here's a secret: I see colors. I see energies. I feel spirits. I don't believe in any of it.

*************************************************************************************

I was tired. My eyes slowly burned out from their sockets staring at the computer screen. How long could it possibly take for an answer? Here I was, having a heart-to-heart via instant messaging with the love of my life. Zach was everything I admired in a boy, cute, funny, easy to talk to, and comfortable. That last one was hard to find. Although he wasn't the brightest flame of the fire, he was everything to me.

This final year of middle school had consisted of me falling madly in love with him, and he proceded to date every one of my best friends instead. I told him how much I loved him, and now I sat here waiting for an answer. A mutual exchange of affection. A thank you. Something. He told me he loved me too, but as a friend. My nervousness ceased, replaced by a feeling of worthlessness. Why did that part strike me the way it did? Why did electric waves curse my bloodstream everytime I thought about what that actually meant? Why was I dying?

My whole life I had been ridiculous about boys. I constantly wanted them to fall in love with me, to feel like I meant something. Perhaps the disney dreamer in me thought all problems were solved once the hero fell in love with the damsel in distress.

I backed away from the computer. I felt tears trickling down my cheeks, off the end of my nose. I had been heartbroken. As I move towards my bedroom, my parents ask me to sit down. They told me I was moving again, I was going to Middleton. I bit my lip as they gave their explanations, I knew the real reason. They always thought they could fix their unhappiness with a new location, a new home. They thought they could make us a family again. Too late, I thought. You lost me a long time ago.

I HAD to do something. Something extreme. I nodded my head at my parents and went to my room. She's upset, I heard my dad say. Of course she is, but she'll be fine, my mom began, she's always fine. She just needs to sleep.

Oh I wanted to scream. I wanted to do something drastic, something insane. Too bad creativity flees my mind while I'm angry. I tend to avoid the emotion as much as possible, but here it was building inside me. Anger... at myself. At my own failure. I wasn't good enough. I wanted to make myself truly believe I was worth nothing.

I saw a saftey pin sitting on my dresser, the silver reflected in my irises as I stared at the sharp pointed end. I reached for the pin and instantly became fascinated with possibilites. I scratched at my wrist with the needle. Searing pain started as layers of skin came off. Sweet, satisfying physical pain. Finally I cut deep enough to see blood. I watched it ooze down my hand, drip off my fingertips. I rubbed my finger along the edges of the cut, working hard to squeeze out more. I returned to using the safety pin and dug it into my pale wrist once again.

The contrast between the ivory pigment of my useless skin and the deep scarlet of my blood looked beautiful, in my fantasies only I supposed. The liquid looked like it didn't belong to me, like it never was supposed to be inside me. I didn't need it keeping me alive in the first place. As I clenched to my bed spread allowing pain to consume me, I thought, with a smile, that I had escaped. Nothing can stop an obsession quite like an addiction.

I closed my eyes, bringing my feet into my chest and taking in my new constant. A broken heart is a terrifying thing to live through. My mouth felt dry, and tasted like bitter emptiness, and I began to cry once more. I prayed for God to help me find my way, for this to be over. I prayed for courage that would never come. I at least wanted the strength to take my own life, if I couldn’t summon enough to live through it.

Haven't posted in a while

Because my life is on a fast track. College is quickly approaching, and soon it'll be time to say goodbye to all the reasons why I've been so completely amazed by people.

It didn't help that this weekend made me feel like I wanted these last moments to carry on forever. It didn't help that I felt so loved and appreciated. It didn't help that the stars looked that incredible, and that I made impossible wishes on them. It didn't help that I surrendered myself fully to the love I've been falling in.

I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm okay with a 'see you soon' and a 'talk to you later.' I don't want this to end. I don't want it to be finished. I want to move forward, but I want to keep everything holding me back...