Starting tomorrow... err.. today... the path to happiness, confidence, and brilliance.
I'm keeping a food diary to make sure I don't have anything too unhealthy or embarrassed to actually admit to. I need to change my diet so I don't have a damn heart attack from energy drinks.
I'm also going to write something I like about myself and something awesome that happened every single day, and something to improve on. This way I can help really analyze and help myself at the same time.
I want to really make a change.
Friday, December 31, 2010
I cannot sleep.
The idea that someone could ever envy me is the most boggling idea I've ever tried to understand. Yes, more complex than physics and changing sodas at the theatre. I guess it all goes back to the fact that I don't see what they see.
I see:
-A face that make-up sometimes help, but leaves me unsatisfied
-Crooked teeth
-Shy personality
-Nervous habits
-Too much skin
-Someone trying to hard to stand out in a crowd of a million
They tell me they see:
-Someone beautiful, "a thousand times out of their league"
-Always smiling
-Outgoing and a bit outrageous in casual conversation
-Confidence
-Thin
-Someone who stands out
...................................................................
I wish I felt comfortable. I have my moments, but really I think it's because I'll never be able to do what I yearn for...
I want to sing. It sucks when you're not good enough.
It makes you feel like you can't be good enough for anything... when you're not good enough to do what you love most. How am I supposed to ever feel confident?
"Open up the holes in my hand, feel the wall crack once again."
I see:
-A face that make-up sometimes help, but leaves me unsatisfied
-Crooked teeth
-Shy personality
-Nervous habits
-Too much skin
-Someone trying to hard to stand out in a crowd of a million
They tell me they see:
-Someone beautiful, "a thousand times out of their league"
-Always smiling
-Outgoing and a bit outrageous in casual conversation
-Confidence
-Thin
-Someone who stands out
...................................................................
I wish I felt comfortable. I have my moments, but really I think it's because I'll never be able to do what I yearn for...
I want to sing. It sucks when you're not good enough.
It makes you feel like you can't be good enough for anything... when you're not good enough to do what you love most. How am I supposed to ever feel confident?
"Open up the holes in my hand, feel the wall crack once again."
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
THE LAST MINI SNICKERS!
So... I've been listening to music for the last 4 hours. I love Automatic Loveletter. Juliet Simms has the most stunningly imperfect voice I've ever heard. Everything she sings I feel. It's magical.
There is one mini snickers left sitting before me from the several I had. There's also an empty mt. dew can next to my bed. Boy, am I healthy!
The reason I'm typing a blog is to make note that I'm perfectly content right now, and I need to remember that I'm okay with being alone and not doing all that much for the next time I am sad with myself.
I also have so many written pages I must type..... tomorrow? Maybe. I've been so busy lately!
There is one mini snickers left sitting before me from the several I had. There's also an empty mt. dew can next to my bed. Boy, am I healthy!
The reason I'm typing a blog is to make note that I'm perfectly content right now, and I need to remember that I'm okay with being alone and not doing all that much for the next time I am sad with myself.
I also have so many written pages I must type..... tomorrow? Maybe. I've been so busy lately!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I want to write secret messages, too!
You are the person I love to hate, hate to love, love to love, hate to hate. Every moment is new and fresh. It's hard to figure out what we are, if we are even anything. But no matter what you're there, present in my life. I can't rid myself of you, believe me I've tried. Something makes it last. I get jealous of you a lot, I feel insecure in your presence when I'm with a group... I don't think you know that. Yet, when it's only me and you I feel as if I could never do wrong. It's such a weird imbalance.
I feel like I have no idea who you are. I get jealous to see that you feel so much for the friends that I introduced you to. I want to be close to you. I want to know you, what goes on in that strange, immature head of yours. But you don't let me. You distract yourself from life, and ignore those pushing and pushing to be close to you while instead focusing on those who couldn't get away faster. I don't think you realize anything that is right in front of your eyes.
Sometimes, I use you. I hate that I do. I can see it, realize it, process it, and then I pretend that it's all okay, since I do love your company so much. Still, I use you for my addictions. Needing to be loved. Needing to buy things. Needing to sing. Needing to get away. You provide all those escapes. I don't like thinking that I'm abusing our friendship because you do mean the world to me. I don't think I've ever had a friend care so much about me as you do. You put forth all the effort that I've always wanted, and I think I take it for granted.
You are my life's greatest mystery. It's so hard to feel like I'm even close to you, and at the same time I feel like I'm closer than anyone could ever dream of to you. I suppose I wish you'd be more upfront. I hate having to crack codes and smiles and actions to find out how someone thinks and feels. I know you try, more with me than anyone else. I know you care. I know that I'm the one who knows the most about you. I feel so lucky to have that, to be able to say I know you best. But at the same time, I think there's a block. I think there's a whole other wall built up that I would give anything to tear down.
I want you to know that people think you're great. I want you to see that you're beautiful inside and out, and anything you are unhappy with can be changed. I want you to see that if you were to just disappear, people would be miserable. People would be affected. You make an impact. And normally I think, everyone has a right to their own life and that includes ending it. However, I'm quoting another friend to say, "The realities you talk about to justify suicide, don't exist for you. They just don't." You need to see that. I wish I could let you listen into conversations I've had where we talk about how wonderful you are. I wish I could let you read my thoughts about how you make me think and feel. You're extraordinary, talented, intelligent, and you could have the world. The only person standing in your way is you, let go of her.
I just started talking to you, and I believe in every way that you are beautiful. I catch you staring at me during conversations. I think it's because you are trying to analyze me so that you can fix me. You have that about you. You want everyone to be happy, and you don't put yourself first. I know this from just meeting you. You radiate possibility and joy and your beauty is too obvious for it to go unnoticed. I wish I could be like that. But I admire the fact that you have that, and that I don't. I wish so badly to be your real friend.
You're a sweetheart. You're always smiling. But you, I'm so worried about you. I think one day it might hit you that the fairy tale isn't exactly what you make it out to be in your head. I think you live your life with a lens that only lets you see things the way you want to see them, rather than how they actually are. It's a fantasy. I don't want to see you crushed by it. I think you're very mature for your age, and I think you've had so many grown up experiences. However, I think you're clinging to something that isn't real, and depending on it for your well-being. It isn't healthy.
You know I'm obsessed with you, to the point where people think I'm really weird. You've been my obsession my whole life. I'm so afraid that I'm losing you... Every single day. I want to be close to you more than anything. I want everyone I love to love you. I feel you are the greatest gift to this world... and I need to stop putting all that pressure on you. I make you feel inferior to my version of you. You think of yourself as this lowly, average being... and I see you as all that is great, grand, and wonderful in this world. I think someday you'll realize why, but until then I'll try my best to treat you as if you're exactly like everyone else.
I think you're delusional. I think you could be a good person. I think you could be my every heart's desire. But you threw that all away so long ago... and that changed me completely. You promised you wouldn't do it. I know, people say that all the time... But what I said I meant. I thought you did the same.
I really wish there wasn't an awkwardness between us. I love you so much. I think you're one of my best friends, and we relate so easily. But, there are these feelings on your side that I just don't understand or want any part of. And I don't mind that much, it's just I can never be totally comfortable. I'm constantly worried about how far apart we sit from each other and if you try to put your arm around me. I hate it. I hate that you want that closeness. I wish you could just want to talk to me and be like my brother.
I'm so happy I found you. Yeah, you're young. Yeah, you live far away. Yeah, I've never met you. But you make me question everything I thought was normal. You make me see the lyrical beauty in sitting on my couch. You make me more creative. I don't know how. Your positive energy withstands through anything. I respect you so much for being the person you are despite everything you have gone through. I wish you were here. I wish I could actually spend real time with you, because I think we're meant to be friends. You feel like my soul mate, I don't mean that in a romantic way, but more like... your best qualities are the ones I lack. Your thoughts match mine. You said you were thinking of getting a star tattoo. Basically, I believe in you. Everything you say and do, because I don't know anybody else who had thoughts like yours at that age... except myself.
I desperately seek your approval, which I know I'll never get. You say things that make me happy, but I know you do it on purpose. I want you to like what I do. I want you to respect me and my art. But I honestly don't see that ever happening.
I miss you. I know we were never really close in the kind of way I wanted... but I don't think you really have that with anyone. Not completely. I want you to open up to not just me, but the world. I feel that is why you're always so disappointed.
I hope you'll be my friend, because you seem neat. :)
And to you... you had a breakthrough last night. You saw a glimmer of what could be. You felt appreciated. But you dismissed it, like you always do. I think you want to be messed up. You want to have no reason to live. The truth is, you're a pretty okay person. You have a pretty good life. You have reasons to be sad at times, but hey, things have been well above average lately. You're talented, but you second guess yourself to the point where it becomes self-destructive. You have a lot of love for people, but you don't know how to handle rejection. You're so afraid that people won't love you like you love them, that instead you pretend to hate them. You act like you don't care, but really you can't watch a half hour sitcom without crying. You think by being messed up, you'll seem stronger. Instead, ignoring the happiness and refusing to be bright and shiny makes you weak. You have all this potential... you're one of those people that wants more than just the average. You question EVERYTHING and never falter in your values. But you don't accept yourself, you don't accept your emotions, and you don't accept your power. You could obtain all that you dream of, but you're too scared. Being afraid is a waste of time, and you believe that being afraid makes you a waste of life. Everyone is scared to leap, but you have to learn to just let go, take a deep breath, and jump.
I feel like I have no idea who you are. I get jealous to see that you feel so much for the friends that I introduced you to. I want to be close to you. I want to know you, what goes on in that strange, immature head of yours. But you don't let me. You distract yourself from life, and ignore those pushing and pushing to be close to you while instead focusing on those who couldn't get away faster. I don't think you realize anything that is right in front of your eyes.
Sometimes, I use you. I hate that I do. I can see it, realize it, process it, and then I pretend that it's all okay, since I do love your company so much. Still, I use you for my addictions. Needing to be loved. Needing to buy things. Needing to sing. Needing to get away. You provide all those escapes. I don't like thinking that I'm abusing our friendship because you do mean the world to me. I don't think I've ever had a friend care so much about me as you do. You put forth all the effort that I've always wanted, and I think I take it for granted.
You are my life's greatest mystery. It's so hard to feel like I'm even close to you, and at the same time I feel like I'm closer than anyone could ever dream of to you. I suppose I wish you'd be more upfront. I hate having to crack codes and smiles and actions to find out how someone thinks and feels. I know you try, more with me than anyone else. I know you care. I know that I'm the one who knows the most about you. I feel so lucky to have that, to be able to say I know you best. But at the same time, I think there's a block. I think there's a whole other wall built up that I would give anything to tear down.
I want you to know that people think you're great. I want you to see that you're beautiful inside and out, and anything you are unhappy with can be changed. I want you to see that if you were to just disappear, people would be miserable. People would be affected. You make an impact. And normally I think, everyone has a right to their own life and that includes ending it. However, I'm quoting another friend to say, "The realities you talk about to justify suicide, don't exist for you. They just don't." You need to see that. I wish I could let you listen into conversations I've had where we talk about how wonderful you are. I wish I could let you read my thoughts about how you make me think and feel. You're extraordinary, talented, intelligent, and you could have the world. The only person standing in your way is you, let go of her.
I just started talking to you, and I believe in every way that you are beautiful. I catch you staring at me during conversations. I think it's because you are trying to analyze me so that you can fix me. You have that about you. You want everyone to be happy, and you don't put yourself first. I know this from just meeting you. You radiate possibility and joy and your beauty is too obvious for it to go unnoticed. I wish I could be like that. But I admire the fact that you have that, and that I don't. I wish so badly to be your real friend.
You're a sweetheart. You're always smiling. But you, I'm so worried about you. I think one day it might hit you that the fairy tale isn't exactly what you make it out to be in your head. I think you live your life with a lens that only lets you see things the way you want to see them, rather than how they actually are. It's a fantasy. I don't want to see you crushed by it. I think you're very mature for your age, and I think you've had so many grown up experiences. However, I think you're clinging to something that isn't real, and depending on it for your well-being. It isn't healthy.
You know I'm obsessed with you, to the point where people think I'm really weird. You've been my obsession my whole life. I'm so afraid that I'm losing you... Every single day. I want to be close to you more than anything. I want everyone I love to love you. I feel you are the greatest gift to this world... and I need to stop putting all that pressure on you. I make you feel inferior to my version of you. You think of yourself as this lowly, average being... and I see you as all that is great, grand, and wonderful in this world. I think someday you'll realize why, but until then I'll try my best to treat you as if you're exactly like everyone else.
I think you're delusional. I think you could be a good person. I think you could be my every heart's desire. But you threw that all away so long ago... and that changed me completely. You promised you wouldn't do it. I know, people say that all the time... But what I said I meant. I thought you did the same.
I really wish there wasn't an awkwardness between us. I love you so much. I think you're one of my best friends, and we relate so easily. But, there are these feelings on your side that I just don't understand or want any part of. And I don't mind that much, it's just I can never be totally comfortable. I'm constantly worried about how far apart we sit from each other and if you try to put your arm around me. I hate it. I hate that you want that closeness. I wish you could just want to talk to me and be like my brother.
I'm so happy I found you. Yeah, you're young. Yeah, you live far away. Yeah, I've never met you. But you make me question everything I thought was normal. You make me see the lyrical beauty in sitting on my couch. You make me more creative. I don't know how. Your positive energy withstands through anything. I respect you so much for being the person you are despite everything you have gone through. I wish you were here. I wish I could actually spend real time with you, because I think we're meant to be friends. You feel like my soul mate, I don't mean that in a romantic way, but more like... your best qualities are the ones I lack. Your thoughts match mine. You said you were thinking of getting a star tattoo. Basically, I believe in you. Everything you say and do, because I don't know anybody else who had thoughts like yours at that age... except myself.
I desperately seek your approval, which I know I'll never get. You say things that make me happy, but I know you do it on purpose. I want you to like what I do. I want you to respect me and my art. But I honestly don't see that ever happening.
I miss you. I know we were never really close in the kind of way I wanted... but I don't think you really have that with anyone. Not completely. I want you to open up to not just me, but the world. I feel that is why you're always so disappointed.
I hope you'll be my friend, because you seem neat. :)
And to you... you had a breakthrough last night. You saw a glimmer of what could be. You felt appreciated. But you dismissed it, like you always do. I think you want to be messed up. You want to have no reason to live. The truth is, you're a pretty okay person. You have a pretty good life. You have reasons to be sad at times, but hey, things have been well above average lately. You're talented, but you second guess yourself to the point where it becomes self-destructive. You have a lot of love for people, but you don't know how to handle rejection. You're so afraid that people won't love you like you love them, that instead you pretend to hate them. You act like you don't care, but really you can't watch a half hour sitcom without crying. You think by being messed up, you'll seem stronger. Instead, ignoring the happiness and refusing to be bright and shiny makes you weak. You have all this potential... you're one of those people that wants more than just the average. You question EVERYTHING and never falter in your values. But you don't accept yourself, you don't accept your emotions, and you don't accept your power. You could obtain all that you dream of, but you're too scared. Being afraid is a waste of time, and you believe that being afraid makes you a waste of life. Everyone is scared to leap, but you have to learn to just let go, take a deep breath, and jump.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Dear Jessamyn
You're my best friend. You're the only person to ever treat me like a real best friend. Somehow who accepts me for all that I am, in every situation, good and bad, bitchy and sentimental, laughing and cutting, over-joyed and alone. Nothing scared you away from me. I offered to you my oddly sexual personality and stories you didn't necessarily want to here, and you took it all. You have never been against me.
We have the same sorts of interests, except your hipster stuff and my fashion police/how do I look? stuff. And we say things at the same time. We basically speak a different language most of the time. We don't even have to say anything when we're together to get each other. I know what you are thinking even when what you say doesn't match. I know you. You know me.
You are constantly making sure I'm okay. You cried at the thought of me hurting myself. You expressed how you would do anything for our friendship. You have been reciprocating everything I give. That sounds dirty. But really, you treat me how I have always wished a friend would treat me.
You're just this ray of sunshine in my life. With you as my friend, I'll never feel alone. You made me a priority, something other people just have never done.
And you're funny, smart, and great. You know how much I think of you, your talents, your beauty, and your humor. I love you.
We have the same sorts of interests, except your hipster stuff and my fashion police/how do I look? stuff. And we say things at the same time. We basically speak a different language most of the time. We don't even have to say anything when we're together to get each other. I know what you are thinking even when what you say doesn't match. I know you. You know me.
You are constantly making sure I'm okay. You cried at the thought of me hurting myself. You expressed how you would do anything for our friendship. You have been reciprocating everything I give. That sounds dirty. But really, you treat me how I have always wished a friend would treat me.
You're just this ray of sunshine in my life. With you as my friend, I'll never feel alone. You made me a priority, something other people just have never done.
And you're funny, smart, and great. You know how much I think of you, your talents, your beauty, and your humor. I love you.
Happiness.
It's almost 3:30 in the morning and I CANNOT SLEEP.
I am so happy thinking about my night. I honestly feel like I've never been so happy in my life. It makes me a little afraid that maybe I'm the only one who feels like this. Well, this extreme, I mean.
I just... feel magic. Everywhere. And I'm so awake. I had monster, that probably adds to the why I'm awake.
He makes me feel like I'm a rarity. Special. Worth it. It's the first time where I truly love someone to the point where their happiness is what matters, rather than my want to be the one to make them happy. If he were to tell me that it's done with tomorrow, I'd be sad, but as long as he's doing what's right for him, I'd be accepting and happy for him.
I keep writing about this.... that's annoying for blog readers, if I have any.
But I can't help it!
I feel good being me right now. I feel like I'm happy with my strengths and weaknesses, the way I talk, the way I look, the way people perceive me (good and bad). I feel... dare I say... confident. And I cannot wait to see what 2011 is going to bring me.
I am so happy thinking about my night. I honestly feel like I've never been so happy in my life. It makes me a little afraid that maybe I'm the only one who feels like this. Well, this extreme, I mean.
I just... feel magic. Everywhere. And I'm so awake. I had monster, that probably adds to the why I'm awake.
He makes me feel like I'm a rarity. Special. Worth it. It's the first time where I truly love someone to the point where their happiness is what matters, rather than my want to be the one to make them happy. If he were to tell me that it's done with tomorrow, I'd be sad, but as long as he's doing what's right for him, I'd be accepting and happy for him.
I keep writing about this.... that's annoying for blog readers, if I have any.
But I can't help it!
I feel good being me right now. I feel like I'm happy with my strengths and weaknesses, the way I talk, the way I look, the way people perceive me (good and bad). I feel... dare I say... confident. And I cannot wait to see what 2011 is going to bring me.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
I repeat: I'm 19 now.
There are 3 minutes left to this day as I begin typing. 3 minutes left of my birthday. Today was perfect. I saw the people I love most in the world. I started the day waking with my sister and I think I said things to her in a sleepy haze. Then I was "kidnapped" by my friends Megan and Tia for lunch and had a fantastic time. Followed by that, Jessamyn and Sam came over and we watched forgetting sarah marshmall and Jessamyn helped me prepare for my evening. And then of course, my love came over and we had the most amazing time.
I've never felt so much happiness in one day! I just feel like endless possibilities shall follow and that this next year of my life is going to be exceptional. I love life. I love my friends. I love him.
I've never felt so much happiness in one day! I just feel like endless possibilities shall follow and that this next year of my life is going to be exceptional. I love life. I love my friends. I love him.
Beauty.
Last night I saw my friend again.
I forgot how much I missed her,
and how much I needed her.
Though we spoke of many forgotten details,
some words we exchanged stood out.
But what I think of most,
is the way I was feeling.
That I wasn't alone, could never be alone,
and she would NEVER let me be alone again.
There's something about our friendship. Yeah, we're pretty fucking weird. But I love her. She's beautiful. She accepted me years ago when I had nobody else. And you know what? I love her mane, hipster clothes, and chaotic actions. I love her laugh, awkward moments, and our deep conversations.
And I'm so glad I got to be with my friend again.
I forgot how much I missed her,
and how much I needed her.
Though we spoke of many forgotten details,
some words we exchanged stood out.
But what I think of most,
is the way I was feeling.
That I wasn't alone, could never be alone,
and she would NEVER let me be alone again.
There's something about our friendship. Yeah, we're pretty fucking weird. But I love her. She's beautiful. She accepted me years ago when I had nobody else. And you know what? I love her mane, hipster clothes, and chaotic actions. I love her laugh, awkward moments, and our deep conversations.
And I'm so glad I got to be with my friend again.
I'm 19 now.
Why did I ever see something good in you? I FELT SO HORRIBLE for the feelings I had. The things that made me stop loving you. But YOU! You disgusting, lying bastard. You lied to me the whole way through, and I was stupid enough to believe I was actually cared for.
And I know that shouldn't hurt me now. And it shouldn't hurt me that someone I considered my friend didn't tell me about any of it even though they knew. But... I'm afraid I'll make the same mistake. I shudder thinking of who else I was unwillingly sharing myself with. I am disgusting thinking about how many nights I spent thinking nothing was going on when there was drugs and flirtation to be had.
I JUST HATE LYING.
I kissed a boy while I was dating another. I felt... like a devil. I felt horrible. But the guy I was with, seemed to revert back to being, well, a bad guy. And I was sad. I was lonely. And there was someone who told me the best stories of how he could treat me and I kissed him. And I came clean right away. That's the worst thing I've ever done. Ever. Well, to someone else. I've done far worse to myself.
This is a stupid blog post... But I'm so angry. It's my birthday and I'm sad.
I'm happy for the great things in my life but I'm terrified that it's all just lies, like it has been with everyone before. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I'm not special. I feel like I'm the girl who's supposed to put up with being treated disrespectfully because I don't deserve any better. I feel like I may never be loved for me, respected, honored, and cherished by anyone. Is it so much to ask for a little honesty?
Now this is all... behind me. The psychologically damaging effects, that lingers. The preoccupation about being close to someone again, it haunts me. And I don't exactly know how to talk about it. The broken state, the damaged heart, that's all there. But the boys, who made me briefly believe in love and then brought me down to nothing, are in the past. I bounced back from both. I'm okay. But... it's there. That constant fear. That... what if they're just using me? What if I'm not all they tell me I am? That will stay.
But somehow, I believe this time is right.
I think... it's different now.
And I am done holding back.
I want to be taken. I want to let my guard down.
It's time to forget the past,
where my scathed dreams lay...
and the moments that were supposed to last a lifetime,
faded away.
ALSO: There are probably many typos in this post. I'm sleepy.
And... I'm 19 now. Hooray....? I want to be 20. Still, I'm hoping this day is magical.
And I know that shouldn't hurt me now. And it shouldn't hurt me that someone I considered my friend didn't tell me about any of it even though they knew. But... I'm afraid I'll make the same mistake. I shudder thinking of who else I was unwillingly sharing myself with. I am disgusting thinking about how many nights I spent thinking nothing was going on when there was drugs and flirtation to be had.
I JUST HATE LYING.
I kissed a boy while I was dating another. I felt... like a devil. I felt horrible. But the guy I was with, seemed to revert back to being, well, a bad guy. And I was sad. I was lonely. And there was someone who told me the best stories of how he could treat me and I kissed him. And I came clean right away. That's the worst thing I've ever done. Ever. Well, to someone else. I've done far worse to myself.
This is a stupid blog post... But I'm so angry. It's my birthday and I'm sad.
I'm happy for the great things in my life but I'm terrified that it's all just lies, like it has been with everyone before. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I'm not special. I feel like I'm the girl who's supposed to put up with being treated disrespectfully because I don't deserve any better. I feel like I may never be loved for me, respected, honored, and cherished by anyone. Is it so much to ask for a little honesty?
Now this is all... behind me. The psychologically damaging effects, that lingers. The preoccupation about being close to someone again, it haunts me. And I don't exactly know how to talk about it. The broken state, the damaged heart, that's all there. But the boys, who made me briefly believe in love and then brought me down to nothing, are in the past. I bounced back from both. I'm okay. But... it's there. That constant fear. That... what if they're just using me? What if I'm not all they tell me I am? That will stay.
But somehow, I believe this time is right.
I think... it's different now.
And I am done holding back.
I want to be taken. I want to let my guard down.
It's time to forget the past,
where my scathed dreams lay...
and the moments that were supposed to last a lifetime,
faded away.
ALSO: There are probably many typos in this post. I'm sleepy.
And... I'm 19 now. Hooray....? I want to be 20. Still, I'm hoping this day is magical.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Nightmare part 3: The Neverending.
I have decided not to share this part with anyone.. because I want to write a book about my nightmare. I think the basic plot line is really cool and the ending is to die for ;)
So the ending shall be a mystery until the book is published.
But the title has you curious, yes? I can only hope.
So the ending shall be a mystery until the book is published.
But the title has you curious, yes? I can only hope.
My Nightmare. Part 2: Zombieland
Suddenly I was driving a broken down black car, the windows smashed in on both sides. I looked in the back seat and there were these creatures...
They looks like half dogs, half humans. They had bandages wrapped around their faces that left each one indistinguishable from the other. They were trying to kill me. I conveniently had a crowbar next to me I used to smash apart their bodies, mutilated their already distorted flesh into nothingness. The three creatures lay newly dead, and I drove calm and collected, trying to reach my destination.
This was the aftermath. The black rainbow had taken out almost everything. But somehow I managed to escape. Megan and I, we didn't die. We got out of there, but I couldn't remember it clearly. I didn't know where she was now, all I knew is that I had to get away from this place. But I had questions. So many questions.
It had become apparent that the black rainbow was a hoax. It was a simulated phenomenon used to draw so many people to that one particular spot so they could be taken out. But who did it? People traveled worldwide, it seemed nonsensical that another country did this. The radio still fizzled in and out, and I could hear the debate. Beyond these 50 miles of chaos, the world was still in order. But as I kept listening, swerving to avoid a severed body, I heard the panic in their voices. The science is impossible. This wasn't the work of a human. This isn't something from here. We've been invaded. Static.
The car was running low on gas. I didn't know where to stop. Invaded? I had settled into the idea that some work of the devil was at play here, I suppose hoping to believe in something spiritual in the few moments before I was supposed to die. Aliens. The one thing I had always feared for no explainable reason, and they were behind it all.
I saw no source. No a single encounter with anything alien-like. Those creatures... those were people. Hell, they could've been my family. The car stalls in the middle of a long, broken highway. I see flames a ways back, and blackness forward. I quickly decide forward is the only option. I take the crowbar with me, and begin to walk, stumbling from a head rush. A spotlight shines over me.
Several people walk towards me, their flashlights all pin-pointed on me. At first I'm relieved until I see they are all sick. Bits of flesh hang off their skin, foam drips from their mouths, and blank eyes stare at me with thirst and hunger. I clench my weapon tighter in my hand, preparing for what I have to do. I will not go down without a fight. I take one step backward, and they run.
The first creature to get to me goes straight toward my neck, and the crowbar slashes into their torso. I didn't I was strong enough to give such a powerful blow. I raise the bar higher and watch it cut up their weakened sternum. With my right foot I kick the thing off and onto the ground, and wind into a second blow to the head of the next monster approaching me. This one was very short, and I presumed had been a child. I bashed it's head once again and easily enough, it fell. At this moment, I could feel myself start to smile. I believed in myself. I believed enough to survive.
Three more reached me at once. I was clawed at and punched, never bitten. I stabbed one in the throat, blackened blood squirted onto my face. While trying to clear my eyes, another creature hit my ribcage, and I could hear the bones crack. I had to contort myself to take pressure off the left side of my body. Anger and desperation pulsed through me, feeding my energy. I hit them in the back of their legs, taking down the one that had broken my ribs. It managed to land on it's stomach, and I jammed the crowbar into it's spine and quickly retracted to hit the third in the stomach. The blow dizzied the thing, and I did the same sort of swing at it's throat, sending it's head flying ten feet away. There were still six more, but I felt confident now.
And as I turned to face the rest coming for me, an even brighter light shone over me. The zombies cowered, and I let my eyes adjust to see what was making them retreat.
A machine.
They looks like half dogs, half humans. They had bandages wrapped around their faces that left each one indistinguishable from the other. They were trying to kill me. I conveniently had a crowbar next to me I used to smash apart their bodies, mutilated their already distorted flesh into nothingness. The three creatures lay newly dead, and I drove calm and collected, trying to reach my destination.
This was the aftermath. The black rainbow had taken out almost everything. But somehow I managed to escape. Megan and I, we didn't die. We got out of there, but I couldn't remember it clearly. I didn't know where she was now, all I knew is that I had to get away from this place. But I had questions. So many questions.
It had become apparent that the black rainbow was a hoax. It was a simulated phenomenon used to draw so many people to that one particular spot so they could be taken out. But who did it? People traveled worldwide, it seemed nonsensical that another country did this. The radio still fizzled in and out, and I could hear the debate. Beyond these 50 miles of chaos, the world was still in order. But as I kept listening, swerving to avoid a severed body, I heard the panic in their voices. The science is impossible. This wasn't the work of a human. This isn't something from here. We've been invaded. Static.
The car was running low on gas. I didn't know where to stop. Invaded? I had settled into the idea that some work of the devil was at play here, I suppose hoping to believe in something spiritual in the few moments before I was supposed to die. Aliens. The one thing I had always feared for no explainable reason, and they were behind it all.
I saw no source. No a single encounter with anything alien-like. Those creatures... those were people. Hell, they could've been my family. The car stalls in the middle of a long, broken highway. I see flames a ways back, and blackness forward. I quickly decide forward is the only option. I take the crowbar with me, and begin to walk, stumbling from a head rush. A spotlight shines over me.
Several people walk towards me, their flashlights all pin-pointed on me. At first I'm relieved until I see they are all sick. Bits of flesh hang off their skin, foam drips from their mouths, and blank eyes stare at me with thirst and hunger. I clench my weapon tighter in my hand, preparing for what I have to do. I will not go down without a fight. I take one step backward, and they run.
The first creature to get to me goes straight toward my neck, and the crowbar slashes into their torso. I didn't I was strong enough to give such a powerful blow. I raise the bar higher and watch it cut up their weakened sternum. With my right foot I kick the thing off and onto the ground, and wind into a second blow to the head of the next monster approaching me. This one was very short, and I presumed had been a child. I bashed it's head once again and easily enough, it fell. At this moment, I could feel myself start to smile. I believed in myself. I believed enough to survive.
Three more reached me at once. I was clawed at and punched, never bitten. I stabbed one in the throat, blackened blood squirted onto my face. While trying to clear my eyes, another creature hit my ribcage, and I could hear the bones crack. I had to contort myself to take pressure off the left side of my body. Anger and desperation pulsed through me, feeding my energy. I hit them in the back of their legs, taking down the one that had broken my ribs. It managed to land on it's stomach, and I jammed the crowbar into it's spine and quickly retracted to hit the third in the stomach. The blow dizzied the thing, and I did the same sort of swing at it's throat, sending it's head flying ten feet away. There were still six more, but I felt confident now.
And as I turned to face the rest coming for me, an even brighter light shone over me. The zombies cowered, and I let my eyes adjust to see what was making them retreat.
A machine.
The Black Rainbow (song)
Dull brilliance in the pitch black night
A sign of salvation or the end
Traveling miles to see the sight
I want to go away
Each day grows stronger, brighter
Extending to soon be completed
I try to tell her, try to warn her
We need to go away
Dream of Black rainbow
They believe what their eyes
Tell them, but I know
You’re the devil in disguise
And now, we must go
If we’re to stay alive
My family is weakened by the power
Exuded from a force in nature
Unable to move, they’re cowered here
But they must go away
Time is too short to count and pray,
It has almost reached the horizon
My voice makes no difference, they all stay
But I must go away
Dream of Black rainbow
They believe what their eyes
Tell them, but I know
You’re the devil in disguise
And now, we must go
If we’re to stay alive
The world is quiet here
Obliterated by white flames
The end I feared
Explosions in the sky took them all away
Dream of Black rainbow
They believe what their eyes
Tell them, but I know
You’re the devil in disguise
And now, we must go
If we’re to stay alive
Explosions in the sky took them all away
A sign of salvation or the end
Traveling miles to see the sight
I want to go away
Each day grows stronger, brighter
Extending to soon be completed
I try to tell her, try to warn her
We need to go away
Dream of Black rainbow
They believe what their eyes
Tell them, but I know
You’re the devil in disguise
And now, we must go
If we’re to stay alive
My family is weakened by the power
Exuded from a force in nature
Unable to move, they’re cowered here
But they must go away
Time is too short to count and pray,
It has almost reached the horizon
My voice makes no difference, they all stay
But I must go away
Dream of Black rainbow
They believe what their eyes
Tell them, but I know
You’re the devil in disguise
And now, we must go
If we’re to stay alive
The world is quiet here
Obliterated by white flames
The end I feared
Explosions in the sky took them all away
Dream of Black rainbow
They believe what their eyes
Tell them, but I know
You’re the devil in disguise
And now, we must go
If we’re to stay alive
Explosions in the sky took them all away
My Nightmare. Part 1: The Black Rainbow
I need to write this out so I remember.
There was a black rainbow. Everyone from miles around wanted to come see it, it was something for the history books. A rainbow that shone with a dulled brilliance in the pitch black night sky. No one knew what it meant, and there was talk of it meaning the end of everything.
I was with my family, and I was one of those who thought this black rainbow was a sign of our demise. It'd disappear in the day time, but as night fell it was growing stronger and stronger. I tried to reach Sohrab, as he was away at school, but he would never answer any of my messages.
Megan came back to visit and see this incredible phenomenon, and I told her that it was a bad idea. That this rainbow is no good thing. We hear news that the following night it will be the brightest it will ever be, and it will finally reach the entire length of the sky, creating a full parabola shape. I knew it meant disaster, I was afraid there wasn't much time left.
As everyone awaits to see the rainbow complete, new theories come up. Jesus will appear before us the moment it happens. God will tell us why we are there. Nothing but beauty. I continued to try and get a hold of Sohrab, to talk to him one last time. To see if there was anything like this where he was. To see if maybe he has a chance, still.
We close in on the last few seconds before the rainbow completes, I run towards the house, to go in the basement, my best source of protection. Megan is at my house with my family, they're all on the deck watching in amazement. The moment happen. The black rainbow completes and for a moment, it seems that is all that was to occur. Then along the horizon, explosion after explosion erupts from no where. My family and Megan rush into the house to follow me, to the basement, where we wait to see if the explosions will reach us.
But as commotion outside calms down, my family goes upstairs, and is obliterated in the flames. Megan and I await downstairs, terrified that no one has returned. She's trying to get a hold of Tyler, to say goodbye to him one last time. I'm still trying to get a hold of Sohrab. We both knew we had so little time. We put away our phones and hugged each other tight, thinking maybe this is the way it was supposed to be. We prayed silently for the good fortune of our loves, and braced what was coming. The ground above us tore away, and we were grateful to have a best friend in our last moment. The explosions reached us, and all went black.
There was a black rainbow. Everyone from miles around wanted to come see it, it was something for the history books. A rainbow that shone with a dulled brilliance in the pitch black night sky. No one knew what it meant, and there was talk of it meaning the end of everything.
I was with my family, and I was one of those who thought this black rainbow was a sign of our demise. It'd disappear in the day time, but as night fell it was growing stronger and stronger. I tried to reach Sohrab, as he was away at school, but he would never answer any of my messages.
Megan came back to visit and see this incredible phenomenon, and I told her that it was a bad idea. That this rainbow is no good thing. We hear news that the following night it will be the brightest it will ever be, and it will finally reach the entire length of the sky, creating a full parabola shape. I knew it meant disaster, I was afraid there wasn't much time left.
As everyone awaits to see the rainbow complete, new theories come up. Jesus will appear before us the moment it happens. God will tell us why we are there. Nothing but beauty. I continued to try and get a hold of Sohrab, to talk to him one last time. To see if there was anything like this where he was. To see if maybe he has a chance, still.
We close in on the last few seconds before the rainbow completes, I run towards the house, to go in the basement, my best source of protection. Megan is at my house with my family, they're all on the deck watching in amazement. The moment happen. The black rainbow completes and for a moment, it seems that is all that was to occur. Then along the horizon, explosion after explosion erupts from no where. My family and Megan rush into the house to follow me, to the basement, where we wait to see if the explosions will reach us.
But as commotion outside calms down, my family goes upstairs, and is obliterated in the flames. Megan and I await downstairs, terrified that no one has returned. She's trying to get a hold of Tyler, to say goodbye to him one last time. I'm still trying to get a hold of Sohrab. We both knew we had so little time. We put away our phones and hugged each other tight, thinking maybe this is the way it was supposed to be. We prayed silently for the good fortune of our loves, and braced what was coming. The ground above us tore away, and we were grateful to have a best friend in our last moment. The explosions reached us, and all went black.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
More computer lab thoughts.
This is one of those evenings where nothing really happens.
I see a friend.
I read a book.
I carry on in silence.
I await a text.
I comb my hair.
I carry on in silence.
Everything is drenched in dull light.
Everything is wrecked with bitter bored.
And then I feel like I'm in that place again. The one that I always go back to.
Is there any way to ever bring me back?
Back to the days when I was okay with a meaningless existence. Back to the days where I could wonder in the sunlight for hours with no destination in mind, fully aware that the journey was all that mattered. Back to being complete.
I wish I could play an instrument, I feel like that would help. I have all this music built up inside me, needing to be sung. But I can't ever really play it, and that makes me feel a certain sadness.
I've realized I don't post many happy things.
I believe in my talents more these days.
I believe less in who I am.
I believe in love so strong these days.
I believe less in friends.
I believe in happiness these days.
I believe less that I can obtain it.
My heart hurts. It always hurts. It's been hurting for so long now, and I'm afraid the only way to fix it is to reverse how it broke. But that means someone else needs to be there through the times the others weren't.
I feel like I don't have the power to fix it myself. I gave that away a long time ago. I let people take away all that was good about me.
I see a friend.
I read a book.
I carry on in silence.
I await a text.
I comb my hair.
I carry on in silence.
Everything is drenched in dull light.
Everything is wrecked with bitter bored.
And then I feel like I'm in that place again. The one that I always go back to.
Is there any way to ever bring me back?
Back to the days when I was okay with a meaningless existence. Back to the days where I could wonder in the sunlight for hours with no destination in mind, fully aware that the journey was all that mattered. Back to being complete.
I wish I could play an instrument, I feel like that would help. I have all this music built up inside me, needing to be sung. But I can't ever really play it, and that makes me feel a certain sadness.
I've realized I don't post many happy things.
I believe in my talents more these days.
I believe less in who I am.
I believe in love so strong these days.
I believe less in friends.
I believe in happiness these days.
I believe less that I can obtain it.
My heart hurts. It always hurts. It's been hurting for so long now, and I'm afraid the only way to fix it is to reverse how it broke. But that means someone else needs to be there through the times the others weren't.
I feel like I don't have the power to fix it myself. I gave that away a long time ago. I let people take away all that was good about me.
Thoughts.
I'm sitting here in the lab of Friedrick, looking at the fresh scars on my arm. I'm sad because my posts lately have been like entries from a diary more than sharing work. I suppose that is what a blog is meant for, and I suppose I can use it this way. But it makes me feel uneasy, like too many things do these days.
Last night I was social (surprising, yes?). I actually talked to someone in my dorm besides my good friend from high school. I talked to a group of people actually. And more surprising? I felt okay. Sure, I wasn't enthralled by the conversation, but I was content being around these other people. I was content with not being alone. I find that I wish I could talk to new people more often. I wish I could talk to them without bringing up my weird qualities and getting strange looks. I wish that I could be what they think I am upon first sight. They think I'm ditsy, they think I love parties, they think I've never faced any real hurt. They think I only have one dimension.
But then they see... As casual conversation continues, I talk of my bloodlust, my angst, and my hatred for all music auto-tuned. I become more and more complicated to them, and I'm unsure of the response. I can't quite tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing to them, all I get by their facial expressions is that they weren't expecting it.
This is a dumb post. At least, I believe it is. But recently someone commented on here that made me believe more in myself. I now think, nothing I post is pointless. If I feel the need to write it, it must be necessary.
As for the scars on my arm, that's my weakness. Those are my doubts and fears that maybe my goals aren't possible. They scorch my skin. They attack my thoughts. But, alas, they are always there. Even as the scar fades, the feeling of torn flesh has scathed my memory, reminding me that I am no better than anyone else.
PS: I really wish my lap top was working.
And that I could write this book faster, but as I keep re-writing it, I get farther and farther from finishing.
Last night I was social (surprising, yes?). I actually talked to someone in my dorm besides my good friend from high school. I talked to a group of people actually. And more surprising? I felt okay. Sure, I wasn't enthralled by the conversation, but I was content being around these other people. I was content with not being alone. I find that I wish I could talk to new people more often. I wish I could talk to them without bringing up my weird qualities and getting strange looks. I wish that I could be what they think I am upon first sight. They think I'm ditsy, they think I love parties, they think I've never faced any real hurt. They think I only have one dimension.
But then they see... As casual conversation continues, I talk of my bloodlust, my angst, and my hatred for all music auto-tuned. I become more and more complicated to them, and I'm unsure of the response. I can't quite tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing to them, all I get by their facial expressions is that they weren't expecting it.
This is a dumb post. At least, I believe it is. But recently someone commented on here that made me believe more in myself. I now think, nothing I post is pointless. If I feel the need to write it, it must be necessary.
As for the scars on my arm, that's my weakness. Those are my doubts and fears that maybe my goals aren't possible. They scorch my skin. They attack my thoughts. But, alas, they are always there. Even as the scar fades, the feeling of torn flesh has scathed my memory, reminding me that I am no better than anyone else.
PS: I really wish my lap top was working.
And that I could write this book faster, but as I keep re-writing it, I get farther and farther from finishing.
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