"You don't want to know."
I gazed off into the starry space above me. The uncovered ceiling chilled the atmosphere of the room. My nerves tickled my tongue, which I then bit to keep form speaking too soon.
I was waiting for him.
"Please? It's not like it's going to change my opinion of you. Or us." He tilted his head down to nuzzle me with the tip of his nose. He playfully tugged on my hair and continued to scratch my scalp.
He was good at egging me on.
I pulled my face towards his and lightly pressed my lips to his cheek.
"Maaaaybe..." I began with uncertainty. "Uh, I don't know," I giggled in frustration.
I felt him become more engaged.
"Come on..." His fingers traced my shoulder blade, down the small of my back. He could see my teeth flash in the darkness.
"...Yes?" He smiled.
"Okay," I laughed. "You just... make me feel things I'm too young to feel."
"What do you mean?"
I shifted. "Like... okay, now, for instance. All I can think of, all I can dream of is forever. I see the moment we decide that we're all each other needs. I see not only tomorrow but the day after, until there aren't anymore. Do you know what I mean? You're my person. You're the one I want to want me for as long as I'm alive."
There was a brief silence from him as I caught my breath from my previously strangling words.
I tightened my arms that were already wrapped around him, and in return, he kissed me.
But he didn't just kiss me. It was different. It wasn't typical, nor typically atypical.
This kiss was real. Emotions entangled and desire beyond our years erupted and all of it was genuine.
I felt him.
And I took this to be his way of telling me that I was his person, too.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Awake
I'm still awake.
And at this time, I'm afraid that I'll never understand unless I join the party.
Maybe all I have to do is take back a few drinks and socialize with people I never care to record to memory..
Because then I'll get it.
Then maybe my heart will stop hurting whenever people I love do the same thing.
Then maybe I'll see it's not what I thought.
Then maybe it'll be okay.
But this is just a thought.
I really, really, want one person to read my blog. I hope they do. I hope they avidly follow along and are captivated. Or concerned. Or pleased. I hope they feel something.
And at this time, I'm afraid that I'll never understand unless I join the party.
Maybe all I have to do is take back a few drinks and socialize with people I never care to record to memory..
Because then I'll get it.
Then maybe my heart will stop hurting whenever people I love do the same thing.
Then maybe I'll see it's not what I thought.
Then maybe it'll be okay.
But this is just a thought.
I really, really, want one person to read my blog. I hope they do. I hope they avidly follow along and are captivated. Or concerned. Or pleased. I hope they feel something.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Dear World
This writing thing... isn't natural for me. Though it is easier than breathing.
I don't know what I'm meant to do. Probably because no one is meant to do anything. I'm stuck believing I have a reason. It's a shame, really.
I did find that my reality was better than my dreams this last weekend. It gave me hope. That I'm on the right track. But even the closest I get to perfection is just shy, and there's room for improvement.
When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be a singer. I filmed myself yelling away paparazzi, having interviews about my latest album, and singing every word that popped into my head. Back then, no thought was needed. I just was, I just was.
I want that back. That fire, that drive. That knowing, that love. I lost it when I was 12. I remember the exact moment. I remember being discouraged.
I may not be the most talented writer, singer, designer, dancer, actress, model, artist, dreamer... But if I just had the confidence, maybe I could do something with it.
Maybe I could just be, I could just be.
And I'll peel away the old label, the one that says "Best if used by," hoping to reaffirm my faith in having no expiration date.
I don't know what I'm meant to do. Probably because no one is meant to do anything. I'm stuck believing I have a reason. It's a shame, really.
I did find that my reality was better than my dreams this last weekend. It gave me hope. That I'm on the right track. But even the closest I get to perfection is just shy, and there's room for improvement.
When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be a singer. I filmed myself yelling away paparazzi, having interviews about my latest album, and singing every word that popped into my head. Back then, no thought was needed. I just was, I just was.
I want that back. That fire, that drive. That knowing, that love. I lost it when I was 12. I remember the exact moment. I remember being discouraged.
I may not be the most talented writer, singer, designer, dancer, actress, model, artist, dreamer... But if I just had the confidence, maybe I could do something with it.
Maybe I could just be, I could just be.
And I'll peel away the old label, the one that says "Best if used by," hoping to reaffirm my faith in having no expiration date.
I've got an itch to scratch....
But I don't wanna be dirty, I AM dirty.
I feel so sassy right now, I can't contain it.
I wanna be center stage and show the world what I can do.
In other news, here's some random lines from my notebook:
Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin
Did you remember?
Unless lost by a clock,
no you're not alone here
in your world beyond the tick tocks
I'll take you back
I'll save you, save you
Don't look back now
there's nothing there left for you.
MEOW! I'm working on turning that into a song. Coming very slowly.
I have a new goal. I will feel accomplished the moment I inspire someone enough to have them tattoo my words on them.
I feel so sassy right now, I can't contain it.
I wanna be center stage and show the world what I can do.
In other news, here's some random lines from my notebook:
Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin
Did you remember?
Unless lost by a clock,
no you're not alone here
in your world beyond the tick tocks
I'll take you back
I'll save you, save you
Don't look back now
there's nothing there left for you.
MEOW! I'm working on turning that into a song. Coming very slowly.
I have a new goal. I will feel accomplished the moment I inspire someone enough to have them tattoo my words on them.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Whispered Life.
I feel inspired. Not by the vast depth of my dreams but rather the complex simplicity in sipping a soda. By the tedious task of texting. By the sheer magnitude of one short phrase.
This is my place. I belong here. I belong with those who were mad before me.
How is a raven like a writing desk?
I haven't the slightest idea.
Yet, I know in my heart lies an answer beyond my wildest dreams.
December 7th 2012 will be the moment. The moment for what? I'm not quite sure. But it is.
I know what is because it's not what isn't.
This is my place. I belong here. I belong with those who were mad before me.
How is a raven like a writing desk?
I haven't the slightest idea.
Yet, I know in my heart lies an answer beyond my wildest dreams.
December 7th 2012 will be the moment. The moment for what? I'm not quite sure. But it is.
I know what is because it's not what isn't.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Ouch.
It's happening again!
That whole heart hurting thing.
It's just not fair. >.<
To the point where it breaks my heart. Shatters it completely. It turned into slate and broke into 19 pieces.
Somebody make this go away!
That whole heart hurting thing.
It's just not fair. >.<
To the point where it breaks my heart. Shatters it completely. It turned into slate and broke into 19 pieces.
Somebody make this go away!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I just want to belong.
I fucking hate my life sometimes. I don't even know why. If I'm up too late with too many thoughts I just realize how much everything has changed, and how the people who I always thought would be there, left, and changed into the people they said they never would be.
Meow.
And a lot of times, my heart hurts. I think it's because I'm so afraid I'm going to be replaced. I'm afraid everyone will find better people, and forget me. I'm afraid I'm nothing special, one in a million, and there's even more people who are like me only completely awesome. I'm afraid that no one will want me anymore. I'm afraid that because they are all starting new lives with new people, I won't fit in. I feel like I won't belong.
Merrr.
Meow.
And a lot of times, my heart hurts. I think it's because I'm so afraid I'm going to be replaced. I'm afraid everyone will find better people, and forget me. I'm afraid I'm nothing special, one in a million, and there's even more people who are like me only completely awesome. I'm afraid that no one will want me anymore. I'm afraid that because they are all starting new lives with new people, I won't fit in. I feel like I won't belong.
Merrr.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Completely Honest
When other people I know tell me they want to be writers, these thoughts come to mind in this exact order...
1) That's awesome! I totally get it.
2) Does that mean they constantly criticize me?
3) Does that mean I constantly criticize them?
4) I don't know how to feel about that.
I love that so many of my friends love writing, but it makes me less and less attracted to doing so myself. It makes me feel like writing has lost it's unique touch. I feel like I can't claim it's mine because it'd take it away from somebody else.
I don't know what to be. I don't know what my "thing" is. I feel really unsure. Hell, that's probably why I haven't declared a major.
1) That's awesome! I totally get it.
2) Does that mean they constantly criticize me?
3) Does that mean I constantly criticize them?
4) I don't know how to feel about that.
I love that so many of my friends love writing, but it makes me less and less attracted to doing so myself. It makes me feel like writing has lost it's unique touch. I feel like I can't claim it's mine because it'd take it away from somebody else.
I don't know what to be. I don't know what my "thing" is. I feel really unsure. Hell, that's probably why I haven't declared a major.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Music I love.
1. Coheed and Cambria. Please listen to The Light & The Glass.
2. Devics. Obsessed with their album My Beautiful Sinking Ship.
3. I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie.
4. Alesana. On and off with them but they definitely have some decent songs.
5. Atreyu. Just started listening to their older stuff .
6. Bang Camaro. Decent sound.
7. The Pretty Reckless. LOVE.
8. Children of Bodom. I am obsessed with Hatebreeder album.
9. Kid A album by Radiohead.
10. A Day To Remember, they're pretty good from what I've heard so far.
11. Death Angel... I actually really like them. Don't make fun of me.
12. Dimmu Borgir. Love love.
13. Dispatch, so dig them.
14. Fireflight! Great, acoustics even better.
15. Firewind, pretty good.
16. Gaelle.. sometimes.
17. Garbage
18. Gogol Bordello, hell yeah.
19. I Set My Friends On Fire, okay so I love their name more than their songs, but still.
20. Infected mushroom, but the less trance stuff by them.
21. Kamelot, everytime I listen to them I feel like I'm on an adventure.
22. Kylesa, album spiral shadow
23. Lamb of God. Adore.
24. Mirah, that chick is awesome.
25. Miss May I, pretty quality stuff.
26. Napoleon XIV, hilarious.
27. Nine Inch Nails, been getting into them more and more.
28. Oranssi Pazuzu, the best psychedelic black metal.
29. Ozzy, can't go wrong there.
30. Rise against, what I've heard so far I like.
31. White Zombie/Rob Zombie, well, of course.
32. Saosin, yes yes yes
33. Sevendust. Don't judge me..
34. Slayer, classic.
35. Through The Glass by Stone Sour. Anything else by them can die.
36. Tristania, it's a bonus that the chick is hot.
37. VersaEmerge is pretty solid.
38. We Are The Fallen, the chick is hot for them too.
Obviously for me Avenged Sevenfold will always be my favorite, these are just the things I've been listening to lately..
2. Devics. Obsessed with their album My Beautiful Sinking Ship.
3. I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie.
4. Alesana. On and off with them but they definitely have some decent songs.
5. Atreyu. Just started listening to their older stuff .
6. Bang Camaro. Decent sound.
7. The Pretty Reckless. LOVE.
8. Children of Bodom. I am obsessed with Hatebreeder album.
9. Kid A album by Radiohead.
10. A Day To Remember, they're pretty good from what I've heard so far.
11. Death Angel... I actually really like them. Don't make fun of me.
12. Dimmu Borgir. Love love.
13. Dispatch, so dig them.
14. Fireflight! Great, acoustics even better.
15. Firewind, pretty good.
16. Gaelle.. sometimes.
17. Garbage
18. Gogol Bordello, hell yeah.
19. I Set My Friends On Fire, okay so I love their name more than their songs, but still.
20. Infected mushroom, but the less trance stuff by them.
21. Kamelot, everytime I listen to them I feel like I'm on an adventure.
22. Kylesa, album spiral shadow
23. Lamb of God. Adore.
24. Mirah, that chick is awesome.
25. Miss May I, pretty quality stuff.
26. Napoleon XIV, hilarious.
27. Nine Inch Nails, been getting into them more and more.
28. Oranssi Pazuzu, the best psychedelic black metal.
29. Ozzy, can't go wrong there.
30. Rise against, what I've heard so far I like.
31. White Zombie/Rob Zombie, well, of course.
32. Saosin, yes yes yes
33. Sevendust. Don't judge me..
34. Slayer, classic.
35. Through The Glass by Stone Sour. Anything else by them can die.
36. Tristania, it's a bonus that the chick is hot.
37. VersaEmerge is pretty solid.
38. We Are The Fallen, the chick is hot for them too.
Obviously for me Avenged Sevenfold will always be my favorite, these are just the things I've been listening to lately..
here's a really good question...
why should I have friends that automatically assume I'm mad at someone instead of telling the truth when I can't hang out?
MAYBE... just maybe... I was being honest. MAYBE I'm not mad at anyone.
Ugh.
I have a couple friends who really care about me, who don't pick other people over me consistently. And then I have my friends who were kept me sane last year, but now they have other priorities, and I'm not one of them.
I don't need people who don't value me.
why should I have friends that automatically assume I'm mad at someone instead of telling the truth when I can't hang out?
MAYBE... just maybe... I was being honest. MAYBE I'm not mad at anyone.
Ugh.
I have a couple friends who really care about me, who don't pick other people over me consistently. And then I have my friends who were kept me sane last year, but now they have other priorities, and I'm not one of them.
I don't need people who don't value me.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
I feel this little piece of my heart that is broken. Because I let someone else chip it. They chipped my heart and ran away with a tiny sliver, and now I can never fix the little broken piece. I can't fix my heart because it's not completely whole.. It never will be again.
I don't know how to live with a damaged heart.
I don't know how to live with a damaged heart.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Myth of Me.
If no one will catch me when I jump, then I'll fix myself when I'm broken.
I thought of this phrase the other day.. when I thought about my attitude towards being heartbroken. I've changed my perspective. I don't think it can destroy me.
But this doesn't mean I'm worried about heart break right now. Actually.. I'm the opposite. I feel so secure in my relationship that I'm so happy, even though I haven't seen him since August.
Right now, more than ever, I actually rely on myself for happiness. And thank goodness. I'm finding everyday it gets easier. And I don't need surface level friendships, drugs, or alcohol. I do need music and writing, though. Ooh and design, my new obsession.
I think I'm on the right path. Life is trying to shake me up again but I won't let it. Nothing and no one can have power over me.
I'm in control.
I thought of this phrase the other day.. when I thought about my attitude towards being heartbroken. I've changed my perspective. I don't think it can destroy me.
But this doesn't mean I'm worried about heart break right now. Actually.. I'm the opposite. I feel so secure in my relationship that I'm so happy, even though I haven't seen him since August.
Right now, more than ever, I actually rely on myself for happiness. And thank goodness. I'm finding everyday it gets easier. And I don't need surface level friendships, drugs, or alcohol. I do need music and writing, though. Ooh and design, my new obsession.
I think I'm on the right path. Life is trying to shake me up again but I won't let it. Nothing and no one can have power over me.
I'm in control.
Update.
My best guy friend doesn't think his life is meaningful.
He doesn't think he's worth anything.
My best girl friend doesn't think she's special.
She doesn't think she's worth anything.
And I... don't think my presence is necessary.
I don't think I'm worth anything.
And I don't know what to do.
Maybe if there were more people I could relate to things would work out.
Also as an aside, Bon Iver... is stupid. I'm going to go right out and say his stuff is good if you're high out of your mind, but I really hope this hipster stuff gets done with real fast. But judging by the amount of uggs and flannel scarves I see everywhere, this is another one of those fads that is, unfortunately, here to stay.
And finally, I just can't wait to til Thanksgiving, when I can feel like life is normal.
He doesn't think he's worth anything.
My best girl friend doesn't think she's special.
She doesn't think she's worth anything.
And I... don't think my presence is necessary.
I don't think I'm worth anything.
And I don't know what to do.
Maybe if there were more people I could relate to things would work out.
Also as an aside, Bon Iver... is stupid. I'm going to go right out and say his stuff is good if you're high out of your mind, but I really hope this hipster stuff gets done with real fast. But judging by the amount of uggs and flannel scarves I see everywhere, this is another one of those fads that is, unfortunately, here to stay.
And finally, I just can't wait to til Thanksgiving, when I can feel like life is normal.
Monday, November 8, 2010
In This Moment
Slow down to hyper speed
The rhythm of eternity
Mind reels into subconscious melody
From memory
Slow down to hyper speed
The pressure of eternity
Colors blur into phantasmal entity
From memory
I don't feel alive
In this moment
I don't believe
In this moment
And I am lost
Forever
In this moment
Ticking time into candy
Synthetic taste of destiny
Senses stalled into casual intimacy
From energy
Ticking time into candy
Sudden rush into destiny
Sound shocked into emotionless clarity
From energy
I don't feel alive
In this moment
I don't believe
In this moment
And I am lost
Forever
In this moment
End it all
In this moment
We will fall
In this moment
And God is lost
Forever
In this moment
Ripped apart, the crashing pause
Collides into unnecessary cause
And torn away
Space fades
In this moment
I don't feel alive
In this moment
I don't believe
In this moment
And I am lost
Forever
In this moment
End it all
In this moment
We will fall
In this moment
And God is lost
Forever
In this moment
I don't feel alive
In this moment
The rhythm of eternity
Mind reels into subconscious melody
From memory
Slow down to hyper speed
The pressure of eternity
Colors blur into phantasmal entity
From memory
I don't feel alive
In this moment
I don't believe
In this moment
And I am lost
Forever
In this moment
Ticking time into candy
Synthetic taste of destiny
Senses stalled into casual intimacy
From energy
Ticking time into candy
Sudden rush into destiny
Sound shocked into emotionless clarity
From energy
I don't feel alive
In this moment
I don't believe
In this moment
And I am lost
Forever
In this moment
End it all
In this moment
We will fall
In this moment
And God is lost
Forever
In this moment
Ripped apart, the crashing pause
Collides into unnecessary cause
And torn away
Space fades
In this moment
I don't feel alive
In this moment
I don't believe
In this moment
And I am lost
Forever
In this moment
End it all
In this moment
We will fall
In this moment
And God is lost
Forever
In this moment
I don't feel alive
In this moment
Hold On Just A Moment Longer
Hold on just a moment longer
Let the darkness take you
I promise it will be alright
I will not forsake you
Look up to the stars
See them, trust them
Memories fade
In headlights of cars
Hold on just a moment longer
Let the pain attack you
I promise it will be alright
I will come back for you
Look up to Heaven
See it, trust it
Details explained
In love forgotten
Hold on just a moment longer
Let them tell lies to you
I promise it will be alright
My faith resides in you
Look into my eyes
See them, trust them
Look away from love
Fear still remains
Inside wounded time.
Let the darkness take you
I promise it will be alright
I will not forsake you
Look up to the stars
See them, trust them
Memories fade
In headlights of cars
Hold on just a moment longer
Let the pain attack you
I promise it will be alright
I will come back for you
Look up to Heaven
See it, trust it
Details explained
In love forgotten
Hold on just a moment longer
Let them tell lies to you
I promise it will be alright
My faith resides in you
Look into my eyes
See them, trust them
Look away from love
Fear still remains
Inside wounded time.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Secrets Suck
When I see those words
My heart steadily breaks
To every syllable that validates insecurity
When I see that nothing
My head vividly dizzies
To every insignificant meaningful action
And no one knows this happens
That I'm so easily distraught
And I can't help it, I want to stop it
And I wish they knew this happened
So I'd never have to feel little
And I could believe everything I am told.
My heart steadily breaks
To every syllable that validates insecurity
When I see that nothing
My head vividly dizzies
To every insignificant meaningful action
And no one knows this happens
That I'm so easily distraught
And I can't help it, I want to stop it
And I wish they knew this happened
So I'd never have to feel little
And I could believe everything I am told.
Grinding teeth down to happiness
Grinding teeth
Down to happiness
I was able to grow up today
I was able to give my life away
I made it somewhere I don't believe in.
I don't believe.
Grinding teeth
Down to happiness
I was able to move on today
I was able to give my love away
I gave it to someone I don't believe in.
I don't believe.
Grinding teeth
Down to happiness
I was able to end life today
I was able to give my heart away
I tossed it to the God I don't believe in.
I don't believe.
I don't believe.
Down to happiness
I was able to grow up today
I was able to give my life away
I made it somewhere I don't believe in.
I don't believe.
Grinding teeth
Down to happiness
I was able to move on today
I was able to give my love away
I gave it to someone I don't believe in.
I don't believe.
Grinding teeth
Down to happiness
I was able to end life today
I was able to give my heart away
I tossed it to the God I don't believe in.
I don't believe.
I don't believe.
I dare you.
A lizard lost in tongues
Waiting for the shoe to fall
In the corner she can't be
Line them up against the wall
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
Ramble in synchronicity
Waiting for the song to play
Where did all the love go to
There is no day but today
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
STOP! PAUSE! REWIND! K, Play.
No, FAST FORWARD! K, Play.
Because you don't control me
Pull the trigger baby
Go ahead, try to take me
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
Go ahead, try to take me
Go ahead, try to take me
Backfired because I'm already dead.
Waiting for the shoe to fall
In the corner she can't be
Line them up against the wall
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
Ramble in synchronicity
Waiting for the song to play
Where did all the love go to
There is no day but today
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
STOP! PAUSE! REWIND! K, Play.
No, FAST FORWARD! K, Play.
Because you don't control me
Pull the trigger baby
Go ahead, try to take me
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
Revolver to the head
I dare you
Pull, pull the trigger
Go ahead, try to take me
Go ahead, try to take me
Backfired because I'm already dead.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The Best He Ever Had
I found out 'round 9 o clock the yesterday
She wasn't in a steady state of mind
Drank too much her soul away
Shot up a quick escape
And that was all her story had to say
It happened 'round Saturday a week ago
He wasn't in a steady state of mind
Hot with sore testosterone
Wanted that girl to blow
So shoved it down her throat to choke that ho
Now she's dead
But that was an accident
Drugs and sex are just for fun
But the high was overdone
At least she was the best he ever had
Her parents found out after it was too late
They weren't in a steady state of mind
Claimed that stupid slut deserved
All that he gave to her
Her place in hell was already reserved
It happened today at the church on the square
He wasn't in a steady state of mind
Guests at the funeral scared
Of the man unprepared
To talk about the girl he didn't spare
Now she's dead
But that was an accident
Drugs and sex are just for fun
But the high was overdone
At least she was the best he ever had
Well come up and claim your prize, man, hurry
For ending such a pathetic life
Oh come now don't be worried
No one blames your fury
The devil deems a man like you worthy
Now she's dead
But that was an accident
Thank drugs and sex and his fun
He rid the world of the one
Sad girl who was the best he ever had
Now she's dead
But that was accident
Drugs and sex meant just for fun
But the high was overdone
Remembered as the best he ever had
She wasn't in a steady state of mind
Drank too much her soul away
Shot up a quick escape
And that was all her story had to say
It happened 'round Saturday a week ago
He wasn't in a steady state of mind
Hot with sore testosterone
Wanted that girl to blow
So shoved it down her throat to choke that ho
Now she's dead
But that was an accident
Drugs and sex are just for fun
But the high was overdone
At least she was the best he ever had
Her parents found out after it was too late
They weren't in a steady state of mind
Claimed that stupid slut deserved
All that he gave to her
Her place in hell was already reserved
It happened today at the church on the square
He wasn't in a steady state of mind
Guests at the funeral scared
Of the man unprepared
To talk about the girl he didn't spare
Now she's dead
But that was an accident
Drugs and sex are just for fun
But the high was overdone
At least she was the best he ever had
Well come up and claim your prize, man, hurry
For ending such a pathetic life
Oh come now don't be worried
No one blames your fury
The devil deems a man like you worthy
Now she's dead
But that was an accident
Thank drugs and sex and his fun
He rid the world of the one
Sad girl who was the best he ever had
Now she's dead
But that was accident
Drugs and sex meant just for fun
But the high was overdone
Remembered as the best he ever had
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