Kind of like Grey's Anatomy

I was trying to get Jessamyn to watch Grey's Anatomy for the longest time, because it's amazing (And I finally did and she loves it). While describing it, I called it an "emotional journey" with hand gestures to match (that were kind of hilarious in the moment).

Well my life is also an "emotional journey." Sure, it's not written as well, has less of an audience, doesn't involve drastic surgeries (not yet), or a brain surgeon named McDreamy... But it's still this intense ride that goes from one extreme to the next.

I'm trying to sort it all out. Bimpe is the most intelligent woman alive, and she's good at getting me to wake up and stop being an emo kid for at least a moment, if not longer.

And there's four other people right now who have me so confused. One in a disappointing way, one in a tragically great sort of way, one in an earth-shattering/life altering way, and the last in a very, very common way. I don't like to call people out. Most of them don't know what's going on in my head. But then again, I don't even know what's going on in my head.

I kind of wish that I wasn't as smart as I am, not that I'm impressively intelligent or anything, just I kind of wish I was some ditsy girl who never questioned anything. But then there are those moments... like one I had today... where the fact that you questioned something allowed the chance for something beautifully spectacular to happen. But then there are also those moments... like the one I had today... where the fact that you questioned something allowed the chance for you to realize that things are more damaged than they seemed.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I was wrong.
The problem isn't the words or the ways.
It's just that... it's not right.

I don't know what to do.

I woke up this morning

Feeling kind of stupid for causing myself harm because it bothered someone else. And the first thing I do when I wake up every morning is check my text messages, and every morning I have new messages that make my so happy my heart flutters while butterflies tickle my stomach.

But then I get mad at myself again because I'm not supposed to feel this way. But what can I do? I can't change my heart. And it makes me feel alive.

"I'm not coming back,
I've done something so terrible,
I'm terrified to speak, but you'd
expect that from me.
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt,
now the rain is just washing
you out of my hair, and out of
my mind. Keeping an eye on the world,
from so many thousands of feet
off the ground. I'm over you now,
I'm at home in the clouds,
and towering you over my head."

I really don't belong here.
But other people believe I do,
so what am I supposed to feel?
I suppose I can die if you need me to.


______________________________________________________________________


I just realized something!
Why I don't believe people love me...
Because if they did, how could they let me feel such agony all the time?
There's two people I can think of that I know do care.
They are always there.
And they say the things they bring me back to feeling content,
and I can't thank them enough for paying attention.
But the ones I don't believe,
they are the ones that will end in tragedy because they don't see me.
They don't listen.
Or they don't take me seriously.
And how am I supposed to be happy with getting less than I need while the world watches me bleed?
And how am I supposed to carry on with this life when I'm not living?
I'm not talking about ending my actual existence here, but I'm talking about starting over.
I need to get away and find a new place.
Leave all of this behind.
And yes, I mean all of it.
I don't understand why anyone needs me here, when the two people who I believe truly care will be with me when I'm away.
You don't understand how jagged my heart is, how much I cry and plead for you to understand.
But you'll never get me, because you're different.
You don't feel as strong as I feel. And because of that I go numb.
And then I cut my skin to make sure that I'm not void of emotion. To make sure I'm human.
If one day I shouldn't feel the pain, then I'll know that I am dead.
This is the cycle I'm living, breathing, and can't you see how much that hurts? How much that sucks?
I know what I need to do to make steps towards living the life I've dreamed, but I can't do anything.
I can't hurt people to get where I need to be.
Bittersweet. No resolution for me.

Okay Previous Post Lies.

I know I at least have one person who understands me.

I don't have anyone.

No one gives me what I need.
What's the point?
Why do I care so much about being fucking happy... I should just be okay with making other people feel happy sometimes.

Running Thin.

I hate hurting other people. And I try my best to hurt myself to avoid it. Right now, that's what I have to do. Make sacrifices. Pretend everything is a dream. Pretend I don't cry myself to sleep. Pretend I don't have fading scars covered by a layer of fresh marks. Pretend it's so easy to be happy. Pretend I don't feel the way I feel. Pretend I don't want something different. Pretend I'm someone else.

I understand that this is necessary. I understand that I have to force myself to stop thinking that I should be allowed to do what I feel. But it doesn't make it any easier to succumb to.

I wish I could be surrounded by people who demanded as much emotion in every moment as I do. I wish someone else could just tell me that it's okay to be that way, and it's okay to only want to be with other people who live like that. I don't believe in the emotion of contentment. I don't believe in fine. I want more. And if the only emotion I'm allowed to feel without desperately changing my life is sadness, then so be it. It's better than being numb. God, I hate being numb.

I'm screaming, heart beating
just to break
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe
I'm trying, giving up
all I need
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin

I'm fighting, heart racing
for true love
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe
I'm losing, giving up
the battle
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin

I'm singing, heart crying
to be me
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

So I'll toss aside the ripped page
I tore from a forgotten notebook
And instead pick up a dull blade
Rusted with my wounded memory
I'll etch these words into my skin,
Watching maroon slip across ivory
Enhancing my life line running thin

Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin

I'm dying, giving up
all I breathe
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

Please, my life line's running thin.

I Want To Kill Myself

Metaphorically speaking. I think. For now.
I'm sitting here, feeling honestly like I'm the lowest of the low. I'm some evil demon that sprang from hell to make the people she cares about most feel bad. I'm hurting them, and that's hurting me. And then when it's hurting me, I hurt them more.
This isn't fair. I just want to be able to experience my feelings without someone telling me I'm wrong. That my heart isn't beating for the right reasons.
Well if my emotions aren't right, and I make every decision based off my feelings because that's what I have to go off of... then... what is my point for living?

I live to prove people wrong. I live to show them that I'm actually made of something. Now, to be honest, this is more to prove to myself that I'm something. That I'm worthwhile. Because right now listening to my best friend cry I feel selfish partaking in inhaling and exhaling.

I need a do over. Meh, that doesn't work does it? I need a start over. I need to remake my life. I need something completely new. I need to not be this pathetic excuse for a life. And every moment I sit here typing I'm feeling worse and worse. I just want to feel a blade ripping through my skin. I've often dreamed about how it would feel to finally cut through my neck, let go of all that useless blood.

But this is what I don't want to do! This is who I don't want to be! I want to love living. I want to not be so selfish. I want to be loved and feel deserving of it. I want something incredible.

And if I can't kill the me that's already so close to dying, then I have to summon some strength and literally take my own life.

Stars.

I've always believed they possessed an ethereal quality I couldn't quite explain... and now I'm sure of it.

My feelings don't make sense. They are illogical, irresponsible, and naive... Yet the way my heart strings are currently being plucked creates the most fulfilling melody that has ever rang through my veins.

I feel like I should bow my head for feeling like something so impossible is everything. I feel like I shouldn't believe in fairy tales and ancient fables, lovesick tunes, and works of lunatics. But... this is what makes sense to me. Normal, safe, realistic, logical... it's so unappealing.

I hope I have a dream like last night's tonight.

Stunningly Amazing?

Not exactly the adverb acting like an adjective + adjective combo I would label myself... but I like hearing that I'm being referred to that way.

On February 12th I'll be in the twin cities visiting Megan. I'm pretty excited for that :) I haven't seen her in a while and we always have fun. Plus, I love the twin cities! When I went there with choir I fell in love.

On March 12th I'll be in California with my sister Jessica. I'm stoked. I've always wanted to go to California, and now I'll finally experience LA and see if it's really the place for me.

Ah, life. You do such good but at the same time.. you do such bad.

Also, I don't think I should be allowed to have an exacto knife. It's so damn tempting.

This is as quiet as it gets

She knows she'll find him here; dozens of fireflies glitter her insides while anticipation glimmers in her nervous smile. She scans the crowd, eyes darting hoping to catch the gaze of someone she loves within a mess of undeserving, unknown identities. The sun beams, sparkling the hints of copper in her irises and blinding her. In that same moment, love blinds her. She feels him hug her, hears him excitedly rambling on about how great it is to finally be this close. He pulls away and their eyes meet. The ground shakes beneath them, and she feels herself falling. She grabs the collar of his shirt and finds balance pulling him closer until their lips touch. Intoxicated in the passion of a first kiss, she loses any, and all, inhibition and control, wrapping her arms around his neck rather than letting go.

_______________________________________________________

It's pure fantasy, which is the reason I can believe in it so strongly.

This peace on Earth's not right

So.....
I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA OVER SPRING BREAK!
March 12-15.

I'm going to my sister's really good friend's wedding on a yacht in Newport, staying in Long Beach with my great uncle, and her friend actually lives in Irvine. My sister and I are going to tour the campus there because UC-Irvine is the college I want to go to :)

We wrote up a plan today for me to move there next year and work for a year, then go to school at UC-Irvine. I've never been so happy. This is so where I belong.

Also raindrop therapy was AMAZING! I feel so great. Things are coming into perspective. The only thing is... I'm not sure any of my attachments in Wisconsin are really life-long. It's feeling temporary. I know Jessamyn will totally end up wherever I am, and I'm so happy about that. She really is a girl I just always need. But I think that's it. I think... next year I'll be pretty much on my own.


But this is what I need to do to follow my life... to be happy... to accomplish what I dream of.

Give me your hand
But realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave
And carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear
Escape from this afterlife
'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on
Far away from here

Got nothing against you
And surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light
And I'd hope you might
Take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying
'Cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God
That there's somebody listening

Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
I am unbroken, I'm choking on this ecstasy
Oh Lord, I'll try so hard but You gotta let go of me
Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live

Blind love is true.

I can't focus,
my irises, blurred, burn
And sleeping?
That's not an option

I hum in the shower,
I didn't do that before
And I write constantly,
falling more and more.

I believe it's possible
to steal stars from the sky,
to never have to cry,
to want to live more than die,
and be more than just "passing by."

What I'm trying to say,
is that this is hard to do,
admitting I got lost
and fell in love with you

Just slip me on, I'll be your blanket

"Are we a thing?"
"Darling, we're everything."

I've longed to discover
Something as true as this is
When you're worn out and tired, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
When your heart has expired, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you

If you're cold and you're lonely, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
You've got one nickel only, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you

Oh lover, I'll cover you, yeah
Oh lover, I'll cover you.

__________________________________________________________

I want a zest for life like Angel.
I want a love like Angel and Collins, Mimi and Roger.
I want to not be afraid to live like Mimi.
I want to open up like Roger eventually does.
I want to realize everything that's going on like Mark.
I want to be adventurous and confident like Maureen.
I want to demand romance like Joanne.
I want to rebel against the system like Collins.
I JUST WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS SHOW!

Oh and my friend Dan just came by and he told me this new thing he does.. Shower in the dark. That sounds amazing. Totally doing that next shower.

You're on the line with the Feline of Avenue B!

So I'm sitting here watching Rent, singing along to every moment.. and completely, helplessly, hopelessly, in love. This show is amazing. This show changed my entire life.

I use to crave simplicity and what was easy until I saw this show. It made me believe more in everything that counts... loving, living every moment to it's fullest potential, and never wasting time.

I miss this show. I miss the days when I listened to it EVERY DAY. I miss the days when neighbors complained they were sick of hearing me singing "Take Me or Leave Me" at the top of my lungs.

All I want to do is sing this show right now. I want to run through it, perform it for everyone. I'll even do a one woman show... that may be tricky in a few parts (Christmas Bells for instance). But I NEED TO. My soul is begging for it.

Not written by me/Written by stupid me

And I don't even know if I should be posting it..
but the writer will remain anonymous.

It's so beautiful.. I wanted to share it here.

Two figures are sitting among the rocks. The moon glistens off the surface of the ocean, looking like drowning bright white fireflies. In the distance fog rolls in, starting to blanket the spot they seem to be looking upon. But they're looking at the stars. "Which one is your favorite?" says the boy. The girl, stunningly beautiful with a smile most men would do anything to have pointed at them, gazes up and thinks. "I like the big one, off to the side of that cluster of the other ones. Its the best because it can get by on its own." The boy slowly got up, and grasped the star in his hand. Twisting, he popped it out of the sky and brought it to earth. He then pulled a string out of his pocket, threading it through the souvenir he'd taken from the night. Reaching over to the girl he tied the iridescent orb around her neck. "Here. So even when you're lost or in a dark place you can find your way back to me."

_________________________________________________________

These words are my own. And they suck.

I feel in the absence of magic. And I don't like it.
What is with me and these awful, self-absorbed blog posts? I need to stop. I need to get a grip on everything. Yet my mind keeps churning out senseless emotion and thoughts that I want to stab. I'm turning into someone I don't want to admit I am.
The whole thing is ludicrous. It's petty and stupid, really.
But here I am... typing away nothing. That's right, nothing. Everything I'm saying has no meaning attached. I'm too busy trying to be vague enough to not clue anyone in on what is actually haunting me... and yet still trying to get a clear emotion across. It's not easy. It's not going well.
>.< Argh. That's frustration.

And you know what I want right now? I want a guitar. I want a song. I want to experience something beyond what my mind can create.
I want darkness, I want blood.
I want love, I want beauty.
I want selfishness, I want betrayal.
I want passion, I want depth.
I want poison, I want death.
I want every itch to be scratched.

And now I look down and think... I will never have these things. I will never let myself live.

Right now, I hate myself

I feel like I'm Carrie Bradshaw, in the city, feeling restless. Feeling unsatisfied. Feeling... confused.

And I hate myself for it. No, not for being like Carrie, she's great. For being unsatisfied. For wanting more. For demanding more.

This isn't me. I'm the girl who settles. Who bites her tongue and thinks, "this will go away with time... someday it'll be perfect."

But that's no way to live.

Everything is good...

So why do I feel like it's all so wrong?

Bee Yourself.

Tell her the..
TRUTH!

We live in a stupid world. Well, I think so.

The most fun people have at my age.... is when they party.
Do they realize how superficial that is? Drinking takes you to a different state of mind... one that isn't what you're given. It's fake. It fades. Being at a party surrounded by people all having fun in their altered states of mind. It's fake. It fades.

I'd rather have something to come home to than all these friends and all these drunken tales. I'd rather live in a less elevated reality than confuse those moments with what is true.

Yes, I'm judgmental. Yes, I hate that I am. But why was I given judgment if I can't be judgmental? I only hate that I have these opinions because they are different from what a lot of people I know think. Well, damn it. I'm going to stay me. I'm going to live for me. I'm not going to compromise my beliefs for anyone.

If that makes me harsh, stuck-up, or close-minded... I'm sorry. But I won't change. I don't want to change. I like myself the way I am.


On another note, I really want to be in a band. It'd be fun to be a lead singer. Schmer.

What am I missing?

Why does this always happen to me?
Probably because I'm on this quest for something unattainable...
but my thirst for perfection is never quenched.
I'm after something phenomenal.. fame, fortune, great marriage, great kids, and complete self-fulfillment.
That just isn't realistic.

Besides, I'm in college. I should slow down. Why do I want this stuff now? I'm a kid. I'm 19. I'm still a freaking teenager.

But I want it all. I want to get out of here, away from the middle of no where. I hate the midwest. I hate feeling average.

What do I do?

****************************************************************************

The world keeps turning as we burn our time away...
When the curtain calls, and the coffin falls, will there be anything to say?

Come on, touch me. Show me you're imperfect, too.

The sockets where I could once see,
give way to the emptiness of my dreams
and the abyss of thoughts slowly killing me.

The fear shows the truth can cut like a knife,
violently shredding everything inside,
and the blood leaves me without essence to breathe.

All I hear are these voices,
silently screaming, begging, pleading
Dying for more than this perpetual nothing
sealed with a kiss

You color my eyes red, your love's not alive.

Somehow life got complex in a matter of a day.

I thought I was secure in my standing with everyone... and then I had this dream.
I dreamt that I was to die for all my sins. I learned how certain people felt about me by their reactions to the news. Most were surprising, in both good and bad ways. Some didn't seem to care, some looked for sympathy rather than were actually upset about my upcoming death, and some were devastated.

This dream sparked a series of questions in my mind that has left me utterly confused.

I just want to hear that I'm worth more than I think I am. I want to find out that everything I'm worried about is wrong. I want everything to be perfect.

Yeah, that's a lot to ask for I guess.

JA:FJKS:DJFWEO:J:KSF I hate these blogs where I just post my feelings! My vague ideas about what I'm truly upset about. This is stupid! This should be a place for work. For actually decent pieces of literature rather than these ramblings.

Mrow.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This world is filled with people just like you.
Some people who hide behind their words, some afraid to move.
One day that poison you take will catch up to you.
One day you'll make a mistake and I won't fix it for you.

Boy Meets World

This is the best show ever. Yes. But I just watched an episode that made me so angry...

Cory and Topanga were stuck in a "rut"... also known as... viewers didn't respond to it the way the network wanted.

But anyway, Cory agrees to go to a dance with Shawn and someone calls him Shawn and he doesn't say anything. So he dances and flirts with all these girls and doesn't mention until Shawn has him look for this french girl that he feel uncomfortable doing this with a girlfriend.

But BEHOLD! He sees the french girl grab a guys hand to dance and she turns and it's Topanga! She was there pretending to be a french student and dancing with guys and being ogled over.

Call me old fashioned... but this is so wrong. Yeah they end up breaking up which is good... but still, they were both kind of cheating. I mean yeah they weren't making out with someone but they were actively pursuing people they find attractive to dance with at a party and be close to.. I think that's cheating. I'm sad my favorite show acted like it wasn't a big deal.

It's 7:15 am and I haven't slept yet. Schmer. I'm not even tired. All nighter? Probably going to just get up soon.

But basically I wanted to say... romance and relationships shouldn't be games. It should be serious and important. It should be a priority. It should be trusting. Why is the media *not just Boy Meets World from the 90s* promoting otherwise?

Ten Things

So I was reading cosmopolitan.. and there was this article about that new blonde guy with the big mouth from Glee on what are ten things he thinks all girls should know and understand about guys. Well, I was thoroughly dissatisfied with his list since a lot of things were stuff that applies to bimbos and not actual women... and also because he was being a sexist ass. But.. it inspired to make my own list... of ten things I think men should know and understand about SOME women, not all of them would agree... but mainly this derives from my personal feelings.

1. Just because we tell you nothing is wrong and tonight isn't the night to talk about it or any other excuse... doesn't mean you should stop prying. We want to feel like you're fighting for us and that you're completely interested and genuinely care. So we test you. We push you annoyingly far and you're supposed to still be there asking what can I do to make it better? That's how we want it to work.

2. Don't compliment another girl without complimenting us first. At prom, my date told my friend she looked great but never told me that I did. Yeah, that stings. However if it's complimenting some celebrity chick on tv, that's fine... we agree. But don't compliment some girl right in front of us without making it known that we're great, too. It makes us feel threatened, and nobody likes feeling inadequate.

3. We get that you don't have to put a "label" on things, but we want to. Why? Well why don't you want to put a label on it? Guys say oh we've got a good thing going, lets not ruin it, it's just a tag not what we have. Well if the label is so insignificant, why do you care if we use it? Schmer. This one ties into number 4.

4. Facebook official doesn't make the relationship official, but not agreeing to be recognized as a couple on a major social networking site with no valid reason gives us cause for concern. Yeah, we get that it's just facebook, but if it's not a big deal why aren't you comfortable being listed as together? Yes, we trust you. But that doesn't mean we understand why you're against it.

5. We pry into your emotions and life because we want to understand you. To us it's not asking for too much to know how you feel.. It's asking to know you and see where you are coming from when you say and do certain things.

6. We totally want sex just as bad as you do... but we like the kissing, too. And the foreplay. So why rush straight to the deed when there is other fun to be had?

7. Don't assume if we are moody that it's our "time." Seriously. This has happened to me before and I was moody because I found out he was texting another girl he loved her... Not because it was my "time." When there is a problem, you should just be direct and ask. Don't think you know everything going on in our heads.

8. We like some creativity. When it comes to gifts, we'd rather have something thoughtful than expensive. Oh and little surprises? Those are fantastic! Little gifts or displays of love make us feel special, wanted, and swept off our feet. It's nice to get back a little of what you give.

9. It's great to try and befriend our family. Just because we may hate brother Bob or our mother at the moment doesn't mean that you shouldn't say hi to them when addressed. You're a separate person, you have separate battles.

10. And finally, don't toss around the three important words that cohesively make a very important sentence. You know the one. I love you. Do not say these words without meaning them. If you don't mean them and say them, you end up hurting us. Bad.

I feel catty when I can't sleep

Also, I do realize how young I am these days. I realize how stupid I am, too. And the fact that I call myself stupid makes me seem more young and self-loathing. Ugh, it's can't win battle.

Still, I thank whatever in the hell gave me the experiences I've had. I've gone through some strange events... I've been to the moon and back in my mind. I've almost left this place. I think I learned a lot in my nineteen years of life. I've learned the kind of people to trust, yet I still put my trust in those I know will break it. I know a lot about sex, its power, its good traits, its bad traits, etc. I've witnessed the power of drugs and alcohol on people, even in very dangerous ways. I've felt, seen, heard, and smelt death. Haven't quite tasted it. I've felt heartbreak, that I'm most grateful for. I've been harassed. I've made some huge mistakes. I've torn apart lives and broken people. I've treated myself with no respect. I have had all these moments that have added up into this person who lives their life as I do.

Some people in my life haven't really experienced as much as they wish. Some people in my life haven't recognized their issues, their demons, or their faults. Then again, I'm a person who drowns in those. That's no good either.

Now there is so much I haven't experienced. Not having parents. Not having a place to sleep, though I've been through that based on choice. And because I'm planning some pretty risky moves in the future I may experience not having the financial capability to have a place to sleep. I have had a few tough financial problems because my parents prioritize their money poorly. Oh I have definitely learned NOT to get a credit card. I've also learned that spending money equates to happiness... a hard lesson to undo. I've grown up with it but I can still shake it. It's more that I don't really want to shake it, because if I do want to, I certainly would.

Shmeep. Oh these over-tired thoughts. It's 5:13 am, and I am so tired. I wish I could sleep.

My brother Derrick claims I act like I know everything and I will argue everything. That's probably true. But hey, I know that I don't know shit. I know that there are some subjects that I can say I know a bit about. I know there are some people I can say I know more about just life than them. However, I know that I don't know almost everything. I know so little it shouldn't even count. And he's right that I will argue with people, I've learned that from standing up to my parents. I never shut up and take anything. EVER. If I disagree or if I feel that someone needs to see another side, I speak. It's hard with my parents because my mom will say how bad people with tattoos are or how its so horrible not to believe in Jesus... and how do you get someone to be accepting of another view? She can think that sure but when her own daughter has tattoos and doesn't believe in Christianity, you would think she'd try to at least understand why I think and feel the way I do. She doesn't. She insults it and shuts it out. I'm afraid I'll be like her. I'm afraid I'm already her. Schmer.




I'd rather be drowning than stuck in the shallow water.

Sometimes I wish

That people practiced what they preach. I have so many friends who talk of caring for others and taking care of people, yet they show hatred and prejudice towards most people. I don't understand that. Maybe I'm not supposed to. I also have friends who talk about how happy they are and how perfect their life is, yet they come crying to me about problems all the time. And I have friends who absolutely hate certain ideas but they contribute to it. I just hate the mixed signals. If I was against killing animals, I wouldn't eat meat. If I cared more about the survival of my own race, I'd be more environmental. I wouldn't SAY I am for one thing and then in PRACTICE take a different stance. I shouldn't just say friends, I should also say family. Definitely a few family members fall into this category...

I own up to my bad qualities. I own up to my good ones. I'll be honest with you about it all. I'll tell you the hypocritical things I say. I'll tell you the things I believe that I wish I didn't. But hey, it beats playing devil's advocate, being pretentious, and alienating myself from my loved ones.

And also I wish that people were more sensitive when they spoke, myself included. When I share my opinion to family, I get really personal and hurt them. A lot of my friends do this and then claim they aren't being that way at all... they don't get it. It's not about the intentions or the way they spin their own words... It's how what they say gets interpreted. It's how it comes across. Being sensitive to how you affect others doesn't mean you care what people think, it's means you care about people.

I don't know. It's 4:37 AM and I should go to bed.

I also hate it when my friends aren't open to the idea that people can create possibilities for themselves. Yes, there is a majority of people who live suffering everyday and they were born into that... But there are also those people born with that who make a change and get a better life for themselves. It IS possible. Not believing is a huge reason why people get stuck in a life like that. Honestly, I would consider staying here in Wisconsin living in the suburbs would be a tragic life for me. I KNOW that I will break for bigger and better things because I'm willing to do anything to get there... regardless of having no one to believe in me but myself. Truly, people are capable of following their dreams. It's just that.. it's not the obvious or easiest route to take. That doesn't make it unobtainable.

And yes, trying to succeed in a system that is failing is stupid when really we could change the system and it'd be much easier. However, I think there needs to be the struggle. Maybe it's the Buddhist in me speaking out but... It provides a balance. I believe in having those people who never have to shed a tear or work a day in their life, and I believe in having those people who have absolutely nothing. Spiritually, I think that's important. Yeah, that's dumb, I get it, but it makes sense to me. Yes, some things should change. Some things should be a lot better. And I do my part to try and make that happen. No, Jessica, this does not mean I will pay Sally Struthers to feed the starving children in Africa.

And one more thing I hate... this I hate more than any other quality in a person... Thinking that their beliefs and opinions are so different from anyone else', that they are way more elite in thought, that they are unique. If you're thinking a thought, someone else has thought it, too. No one is completely unique, let's face that right now. People talk like their the shit and oh I'm so different... you're not. You're really not. I've caught myself thinking before, wow I'm weird and different... Not really. There are other people who think exactly like me. I'm not so strange. Even sociopathic murderers have thoughts that have been thought before.

Yeah, I'm typing this at now 4:48 in the morning. Yeah, I'm not proof-reading it. Yeah, I probably said some ignorant, stupid things. I don't care. I'm sick of being belittled whenever I talk to people. I'm sick of having my dreams attacked. My older brother.. he does this the worst to me. I'm just sick of people talking the talk and not walking the walk.

There are a lot of reasons for posting this... and the biggest one is all about some family members... yet I get this feeling that my friends will think it is more about them. They always do with statuses and posts and then I get texts later saying "Brittany are you mad at me?" Bleh. Another thing I hate.

W-wwwww-O-oooo-W-wwwww

Gosh. I can't stop smiling.
That's lame huh?
>.<
Eh what's lame is I'm watching MTV, Teen Mom not Jersey Shore...
And I'm entertained.
But whatever.
I feel good.
I feel loved :)
I feel so completely happy.

Oh.

I'm so harsh and unforgiving because... I miss it. And I don't want to miss it. But god damn it, when things were good they were good. And it could've been forever. And sometimes, that hurts. And yes, some bad things happened. But I should really learn to forgive and suck it up and get over it already.

Sounds like I'm talking about a guy.
But I'm talking about my life.
Mrow.

Character Run Down

Blake Slate *as I want her to be*:
Physical description - 15 years old. Short girl, about 5'4", long black hair, not extremely pale but in no way tanned, very large green eyes, slight erotic look. Dresses in fitted flare jeans, ballet flats, and lots of long sleeve shirts, mostly black and everything she wears has something alluring about it (open back, low neck line, etc.) Heavy eye makeup. Ears pierced once on each lobe and a cartilage piercing on one ear. Slouches when she sits, but walks with shoulders back.

Personality description - Cocky about her intelligence. Thinks she knows just about everything. Vulnerable in almost every other aspect. Hates the way she looks. Doesn't find herself funny but she can be rather witty fairly often. Not very nice, very self-absorbed, though believes otherwise. A "good" girl. Virgin, doesn't do drugs or drink, only swears to be more convincing or when being defensive/attacking. Says she doesn't care about being liked but is dying to fit in and feel loved.

Hobbies: Playing guitar and piano, singing, and drawing. Mediocre piano player, decent guitar player, fairly good singer, and extremely talented artist.

Other characters:

Jack Slate - 13 year old brother to Blake, slightly taller than her, black hair. Very outgoing and charismatic, known for being funny and kind to just about everyone. Not into anything bad, plays sports a lot.

Dean Slate - 16 year old brother to Blake, about 6 feet tall, black hair. Very outgoing, kind of a bully. Smokes a lot of weed, gets in to trouble often. Plays guitar. Played sports when he was younger. Has a small cross tattoo in the center of his back his parents are unaware of.

Father (Thomas) - Writes a sports section for the local newspaper. Very strict but very absent with their children. Having an affair with Darcy.

Mother (Beth) - Works at a town bank. Bipolar. She can be the best mother and the worst mother to her kids. Extremely nosy. Goes out with her friend Cheyanne often to get drunk.

Darcy - 22 year old college drop-out, neighbor, having affair with Blake's father

Mr. Frank - Biology teacher, about 50, very nice, very enthusiastic

Isabella - Drama Teacher, about 45, quirky

Mr. Shaw - English teacher, extremely attractive, about 30

Zander - Total douchebag who crushes on Blake

Shelly - Fellow student Blake works with but doesn't connect with, shy

Eric - Good friend to Blake, shy to most

Leila - Hates Blake, popular, tan, red hair, obsessed with Shiloh

Erica - Skinny blonde girl out to star in every school production and obsessed with Shiloh

Mary-Anne - Heavy-set, self-absorbed, good friend to Leila

Marie - Shiloh's younger sister, age 5

Shiloh - 17 years old. New boy in neighborhood (backyard neighbor to Blake) Dark Brown hair, slender with tone muscle, extremely attractive. Very quiet, keeps to himself, doesn't try to make new friends. Plays piano and sings, both very well. Dreams of escape. Very intelligent but is only a Sophomore in high school, he was sent away for two years and he has to make up school. Parents consider him "bad news." Object of many girls' affection.

I'll add more as they come into existence.

I don't know what's gotten in to me

But I want to write about my thoughts all the time lately. It's like this blog has become a diary rather than a place to post my work. I really would like to have more to post but... I just don't have the motivation these days.

I'm really excited for my second semester because I'm sure that it'll be better than my first. I'm determined to make some friends. Wow... that doesn't sound like me. But I want them! And I'm so excited for my new classes, they seem great. Here's the trouble though, I have to spend time with someone I'm afraid to spend time with because they broke my trust. I kind of regret making this planned time with them, but there is no way that I can change that. I'm thinking it'll be a good experience for me, though. I think maybe I'll learn the power of FORGIVENESS. Something I have major trouble with. Let's be honest, I'm still mad at Derek and that happened three years ago. I think the universe is really wanting me to finally go through this lesson and actually change my grudge-holding ways. Oh! Better example: I'm still mad at Josh Graber for killing the frog in 2nd grade and then people hated me because they said I was a murderer. >.<

Another subject consuming my thoughts: Tangled. I fucking love this movie. Pardon my curse. But seriously, AMAZING! The mother daughter issues really hit home for me.. The thief/love interest was funny. The horse was awesome. Pascal the chameleon is my favorite. And Rapunzel is simply wonderful. All these characters felt so real to me, and the story played out like music for me. And hey! There was some of that disney music! The love song scene with the lanterns is probably the most fantastic love scene ever made. I adored every moment. This makes me wish my life involved more magic. I want magic to be real. Desperately. I believe so much in fairies, pixie dust, spells, and potions. But... It never turns out like I hope and dream and believe it will. The only magic I've ever known is love, and YES, that is the greatest magic in existence, however, I'm ready for more!

The last thing I want to type out about is what I just mentioned. Love. Ah, love. I'm so in love, I feel like I'm living in a dream. I can't sleep anymore because reality has surpassed my imagination. I'm blissfully naive, constantly in my heart and then my head gets frustrated, and inspired to write music every second. This is such a good feeling. But, I've been hurt. I've been hurt really bad. I've been led to believe that no person truly loves me back, that it's temporary, that they just consider me the best "option" at the time. My past is hard to shake. Not just with guys, overall the guys I've dated haven't been horrible. Yes, one wasn't happy with me for many many months and wanted to leave me when he found out more of my deeper thoughts. Yes, he cheated. But it was so close to when he broke up with me and he wasn't into me at that point. Yet, I will still crazy about him... for all the wrong reasons. Then another, he went away for a while and regressed into this other persona of his. This bad guy. He lied to me constantly. So I started to become interested in someone else and I cheated on him. >.< Still I feel awful. He didn't even care. He wasn't really upset, and now I get why. Our whole relationship was a lie. Maybe some of the earlier moments were okay, like when he first told me he loved me... I didn't think I could ever have a better moment than that. I knew that was real. But he just lied and lied. He mentally cheated for sure, with stranger and my friends, and I'm not exactly sure how much more happened, but I'm guessing physically as well. Both guys, I found out via email. That.. yeah I'm not proud of. I've sworn to never do something like that again. However, it makes me so frightened that every single guy I will ever be with will have a secret life online. That's why I hate this day in age. But I've also been hurt by other people. Best friends, unrequited love, and most of all, family. A few days ago I had an encounter with some family members that finally woke me up to what was going on. I was being sort of a bitch because I felt I was being attacked, and my defense routine isn't too pleasant. I'm hurt by my best friend of life. The one I love so much.. because he just doesn't seek me out anymore. I'm not the person he always wants to talk to, and I haven't been for quite sometime. I miss being five and being inseparable. I hate having others chosen before me. I want to be number one. It's this damn complex. I don't really feel like I'm anyone's number one. Not his. Not the person I want to be my best friend for all of my life. And I'm not my girl best friend's number one either. No... the person I crave to love me and be my friend forever is her number one. So this is frustrating. So when friends don't choose me first, I guess I just rely on a romantic interest to make me their number one. And I make them mine, my first priority, the person I would save above the rest, my reason. I suppose that's stupid but it always feels like the right thing to do. This part about love turned into a big thing about being deceived and then my issues with it... I am in love. I feel different than in the past. Okay, first "love" I was obsessed. I was involved in something dangerous. The second, I can't even distinguish what was real and what wasn't. There was potential... but I crave oodles of commitment and he craved... well, sex and drugs. And now, I'm not really worried about anything. I trust him, as best as my wounded heart can. It's hard when someone is far away or partying or things like that, where they are interacting with people I don't know and in a state of mind that I haven't seen them in. That's definitely the hard part. But if that's the hardest part, hey I'll take it. I don't feel this need to plan out every step of my future like I have in the past. Instead, I feel more spontaneous. That made be bad since I'm a girl who likes to get tattoos... But I feel like a new adventure is in store just hearing him talk about his day. I'm enthralled with every moment we're together. So this is good. This is healthy. And this is why I cannot sleep. Well, partially. I still have my self-esteem issues. Not so much about my appearance, more about... my intelligence. That is definitely a new one. My intelligence and my capability of being witty (or lack there of, though once a guy told me I was witty, but he wasn't the brightest bulb in the bunch). I get afraid that maybe my retorts and my ideas aren't good enough. I'm afraid that I don't talk as eloquently as others. It makes me vulnerable. It used to be my only insecurity was my stomach... Those were the days. When I thought my personality was just so awesome and I was so talented. Then it was my singing voice as the other insecurity. Ooh that one has really been just about the hardest thing to deal with. But somewhere down the line I started believing that being "me"... everything that I am, that I think about, that I know... is not enough. With friendships, relationships, family, jobs, solos, the school I go to... every single thing, I am not enough for. And now I'm starting to relearn that maybe being me isn't so bad. He... makes me feel good about myself. The things he says to me make me feel like I am the most incredible person in existence. I feel special just being this close to him when not a lot are. Wow, I dwell way too much on this subject. I just covered so many subtopics in this last giant paragraph.

But this is basically my diary. Or basc, like Megan and I would say. Natch. But honestly, these words just need to be out there in the universe. They need to exist somewhere outside of my head.

Crazy.

You know what's weird? I had a huge, blistering, potentially soul-damaging fight with my very great friend. And the aftermath of saying horrid things to each other? I feel closer to her than ever. Life's funny. I suppose saying those snide side thoughts we have about each other and admitting that though we have our faults and we both see them, we're okay, made our friendship grow stronger. We aren't hiding anything. And by telling her I can't accept certain parts of her, I've learned to accept everything. It's the damnedest thing.

Deeedeeedummm.

My friend played me a song
That reminded me why I love you
So I looked up the lyrics
To someday sing it for you

But I'm afraid I'll suck
And you'll try not to laugh when I'm flat
Or sharp or lost on rhythm
Or sound like a dying cat

But maybe I shouldn't try to be perfect
After all this love that we have sure isn't
And I could sing to the tune of being weak in the knees
And how it felt that week when you went away
By the end I'll be humming the sounds you make when you're asleep
To create a heavily flawed song that equals you and me

Will You Take A Walk With Me?

Verse:
Will you take a walk with me?
I swear I won't make you go
In the same direction.
I just want the company,
To know that you are trying
To help a lost romance.

Chorus:
I'll go left, and you'll go right
And maybe if we believe it
We'll end up together
Tonight.

Verse:
Will you take a walk with me?
And wander down these lone streets,
I'll go back to the sea.
Forget the path we're taking,
Focus on love embracing,
So our hearts can collide.

Builded Chorus:
I'll go left, and you'll go right
And maybe if we believe it
We'll end up together
Tonight.
I'll go here, and you'll go there
And maybe if you're sure this time
I can breathe less tainted
Air. (make two syllables.)

Verse:
Will you take a walk with me?
I swear I won't make you go
In the same direction.
The further we move apart
The closer I get to finding
you on the other side.

Builded Chorus:
I'll go left and you'll go right
And maybe if we believe it
we'll end up together
Tonight.
I'll go here and you'll go there,
And maybe if you're sure this time
I can breathe less tainted
Air. (make two syllables.)

I'll go left and you'll go right
And maybe if we believe it
we'll end up together
Tonight.
I'll walk 'til my shoes run down
And my feet are scratched and broken
With hope our lost love
Is found.

My Baby

http://www.chrisguitars.com/ep04humm-nos.jpg

THIS IS MY BABY :)

I'm going to buy her. She's a hummingbird epiphone guitar with a cherry sunburst finish. I would do anything for her.

And I can't wait to learn songs on her. And I can't wait to play my own songs on her.

Scene Two. (part one)

(Blake (back seat) and Dean (is in front seat) are driven by Dad to school, few shots of silence and her gazing out the window while Dean and Dad exchange words)

Dean: Turn it up. (Morning sports radio show is playing, laughter is heard)
Dad: These guys are hilarious. Man, I want their job.
Dean: Oh I know!

(Arrive at the high school)

Dad (turns to Blake): Nervous for your first day?

Blake: It's just like all the others. (She slams the door when she exits, Dean gives his dead a friendly goodbye and immediately rushes to the building, past his sister. Blake watches her father drive away and stares at the building a moment and sighs before walking inside.)

(This high school isn't sterotypical. Just a few friends greeting each other, some guys acting like total douchebags in the hall. Blake walks by them all unnoticed, not because she is unattractive, but because she carries herself so small. She stares at her schedule and the numbers of rooms she passes looking for her first class. There is a minute until the bell, and she is unsure of her class's whereabouts. She gets nearer and she manages to find the room right as the bell rings. Everyone else is already seated.)

Mr. Frank: Well, Hello there. Well this is a perfect opportunity to introduce yourself to the class, since I got you standing here.

Blake: Sure. I'm Blake, I just moved here from a pretty small town up north.

Random guy: What town?

Blake: Silver Creek.

Random guy: Uh, what state?

Blake: This one.

Random guy: Oh. (he giggles. He's the dumbass, it's his job to act like one at all times for other's amusement.)

Blake: Yeah. Well, that's it.

Mr. Frank: Well since this is biology, could you maybe tell us something that interests you about this subject? Maybe something with animals or cellular respiration? Anything.

Blake: I dig the human body, I guess.

Random guy: I bet she does. (everyone laughs, Blake's cheeks go red, and she is visibly angered by it)

Blake: The circulatory system is rather fascinating, actually. Maybe you'd like to name some of the major arteries? Because you seem to be pretty vocal.

(A few students "oooh" while Mr. Frank seems enthused. The douche bag just shuts up.)

Blake: I thought so. (Blake walks and sits down in the front row corner, the seats around her empty.)

Mr. Frank: Well, nice to meet you Miss Slate. Normally Shelly and Eric would be sitting in those two seats next you there, but both have taken ill it seems. Well, let's get started.

(Shot of clock and bell rings, Blake moves on to her next class. She is bumped from behind. It was the guy from class. He mutters slut under his breath. Turns out her next room is only down the hall from the first. This class is drama. Blake sits in the back row, feeling shy and hoping the teacher doesn't make her give an introduction.)

Scene One. Introduction. A Screenplay! Oh me oh my.

Narrating (shot from ground up, snow falling, *person is lying in snow as this is heard*) Blake: I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Partially because I think that would require far too much order in a Universe dying to be chaotic, and partially because I feel people use it as a coping method for their fucked up lives. Maybe I'm just a cynic at 15, I wouldn't deny that. A bit too young for misanthropy some might say, but I've gone to the moon and back. And believe me, I have never once seen a falling star. (snow ball hits camera/face)

(Merciless laughter)

Blake (stands up to face her two year younger brother and her one year older brother): You mother fucking bitches!

(Increased merciless laughter)

Dean (the older one): That's what you get for being a stupid whore.

Jack (the younger one): You're just mad because it washed the cumshot off your face.

Blake: Real awesome, guys. (Thumbs up) I'm going inside.

Dean: Oh come on. We're just kidding. Don't be such an emo kid. (Imitating) Ohh, look at me I have blackness where a heart should be. Feel sorry for me!

Blake: Shut up, Dean. It's not funny. (getting visibly sad)

Jack: You made her cry.

Dean: I didn't do anything. She's the weak one.

Jack: Just leave her alone.

Blake: I'm not crying. I'm just cold, I'm going inside. (walks into her small, two-story home.)

Dad: Blake, what's up?

Blake: Nothing (headed upstairs)

Dad: Now hold up a second. (Blake slowly backtracks her steps)

Blake: What? (Has an attitude)

Dad: Something wrong?

Blake: No

Dad: Then knock off the attitude young lady. I just wanted to have a talk with you.

Blake: (Leaning over the stair case railing) About...?

Dad: Just seeing how you are. Do you want to know how I am?

Blake: Sure.

Dad: Well, I'm just about to watch the game here, I'm pretty happy about that. Would you like to join me? It should be a good one.

Blake: Maybe you should ask Dean and Jack. You know I don't like sports.

Dad: I just thought watching with your Dad could be fun.

Blake: Dad. I always hate sports, no matter the company I am in. And also, that sounded creepy. I'm going upstairs now.

Dad: Fine. I tried. (Turns back to tv, Blake runs upstairs to her bedroom, first door on the left.)

(Blake closes the door, leans against it and sighs. She strips off her coat and sweater and throws them in a pile of clothes on the floor. She maneuvers her way towards the window and grabs her guitar. She begins to play and hum.)

Blake (singing): Oh oh, this place once seemed so safe,
Now all these walls are coming down
And shards of glass and bits of cement
are trapping me, keeping me underground

Mom (pounding on door): Blake! Shut up, I'm trying to sleep!

(Blake looks at the clock. It's 3 in the afternoon on a Saturday. She sighs and switches for her electric guitar that barely makes a noise when not plugged in)

Blake (whispering): But I'll find my way out
I will be strong
I will stand tall
I will see through it all
And even though
This world's out to get me
I will be strong
I will stand tall
I will see through it all
I will see through it all

(Her fingers play one last chord, she looks up towards the sun outside the window. Her eyes glitter. She plugs her guitar into the amp, plays a loud, angry rift, her mother pounds on the wall telling her to shut the fuck up, Blake smirks a little)

(End Scene.)

I hate you

Men. Okay, not all men. But this is specifically to the guys who don't think their girlfriend is the best girl around. The guys who think she is the best OPTION.

No, I'm not saying that I'm in this particular situation. Not at all, actually. But these men, these stupid men, make me paranoid that I am.

Why be with someone if you think "hmm, I guess I'd rather be with someone else, but that person doesn't like me, so this is fine." SERIOUSLY. WTF?

Oh and the worst, those that trade for someone hotter. Looks shouldn't matter that much, dude. I've had guys text me that say, "Man, I wish my girlfriend looked like you. Any chance we could hook up sometime." And you know what, every guy that has hit on me who has a girlfriend and I know that girl's name... I've told the girl about it. And everytime, the guy says to me, "We're on a break." And EVERYTIME, the girl has been completely shocked and devastated. FUCK YOU, men who do this.

Maybe it's just part of that male brain I'll never understand. I just think that in general, men don't hold women so close to their hearts as we do for them.

It kind of sucks.

Maybe I'm Ridiculous

But a little romance never killed anyone. I'm desperate for a "swept off my feet" moment that "takes my breath away." I don't care how much people don't believe in love anymore. I hate sitting here working on this cutesy present realizing that I'm one of those people who believe every love song means it lasted forever and every Disney story is as true as the sky is blue.

I love grand gestures. I love showing someone you love them, because sometimes no matter how often you say it, it doesn't come across. I've written out 500 things I love about someone in the past. I've written songs. I've let them in to all the dark places of my mind. I've let them in to my heart and they knew it.

Now my heart is still there. It broke once, and I had to piece it together. Another time it was violently scratched, I wasn't sure it was going to make it. But, alas, the scars of old wounds still visible, but my heart is intact. In fact, I don't have it right now. I gave it away again. No matter the hurt that keeps coming, I don't hold onto it. I'm hoping to gain another in return, actually. In the past all I've gotten is bits and pieces, and I must say I'm ready for the whole thing.

I like courtship. I like the idea of love seeming like a prize rather than a game or even a burden. I like the idea of being someone's everything. That's why I live my life that way... love is first. Always. It's unconditional. It's unfaltering. I'm working on making it last forever.

I scream for some silence.

I don't understand. I have all these people I see so often. They say they care so much about me, and I return the sentiment. I say I love them. But yet here I am, crying, and feeling that I'm not close with anyone. I have certain people I contacted, told them I'm upset. Yet, I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

Honestly, in this moment I don't understand why anyone would even give me anything. Why would they offer love or acceptance to a low-life like me? I'm pathetic.

I want to shower off my bad qualities. I want to scrape at my skin until I see bone.
I want to get out of this place. The literal surroundings and the figurative state of mind.

My sister told me to scream today since I've never done it. I couldn't.
No one can help me but me. I'm fucked.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepyyyyyyyyyy

I'm awake, and a bit delirious. I can't sleep. I can't just fucking sleep. I'd give anything to be able to.

I'm not sure why exactly, this has been happening to me all break. Weird sleeping patterns with work at first seemed to be the trouble, but I'm finding that's not the case. I'm back to the point where I can't sleep at night because I'm too anxious and scared. I can only sleep when the sun is up. Which is why I am laying here in bed with my light on, waiting for the sun to come up until I can finally close my eyes.

Earlier, I think I saw a ghost. I asked that it doesn't return. That it finds peace. I'm not sure if I believe in ghosts. But it was there.

I believe I only have to lie awake uncertain and afraid for another hour or two, then I'll be able to sleep for maybe 4 or 5 hours before I'm supposed to be awake. Hmm. Maybe more like 3.

I've always been this way. I slept in my parent's bed/bedroom until I was 14. That's rather ridiculous. But I can't handle it. Just the fact that I am completely dependent upon the light inside because outside can't help me out is scary. The idea of anything paranormal is freaky. The little noises you can never pick up on during the day time are just obnoxious.

I expect my life to carry on this way until someday I can share a bed with someone. I can't wait for that. Last year my sister and I actually shared a queen size bed, and it was great. I can sleep soundly when I'm in another's company. Well, I take that back. In certain people's company. For some reason Sonny's doesn't really help. That's probably because I'm so protective of him.

The plows are outside now, which I don't understand because I didn't think it snowed. They help a little. Not much.

I just realized something. There's high school tomorrow. And my Dad works. And my Mom does daycare. Everyone will be awake soon. That also helps me sleep. Other people are awake and there to protect. I feel so vulnerable when I'm unconscious, and it's nice to know that someone could look out for me while I'm impaired.

Okay. This sucks. But it needs to suck. Life is always about balance, in my opinion. And I'm an expert. If lots of things are going fantastic, you need a bit of sucky chaos. It's just so you don't go thinking you're better than anyone else, you're life is too perfect, or that there really is such a thing as happiness without suffering. Right now, my life is great. My reality is better than my dreams. I love my friends. I love my family. I love writing. I love singing. I love Sohrab. I feel loved in return... So of course, I can't be too greedy. I can't ask for these night terrors to cease. I can't ask for rational thinking or logical reasoning. I can't ask for anything more when everything else is so wonderful.

Instead, I have to withstand my own suffering, just like everyone else. This inability to sleep is one part. The self-consciousness is another. The lack of a better childhood. Not going to the college I wanted. Not living where I should. Addiction to cutting. Hatred for food and love for food. Need to be different. Lack of musical talent. And multiple people I believe are there just to bring me down.

I'll be okay. I'm just tired.

What the hell?

I never do this. I never make resolutions. But let's do this in list format, shall we? Yes, we shall. It seems to be the only way I actually accomplish something.

1. I am allotted one soda every time I come home from college starting Jan. 17, and before then I can have up to one soda a day while I'm on winter break. Trust me, this is kind of crazy for me to propose.
2. EXERCISE! Seriously! Start running on campus, well... when it's warm. There is a treadmill downstairs at my current home. Plenty of gyms around. Take all those free dance classes. DO IT!
3. Get flexible again. Remember, splits all three ways? Well now you only have one. Lame. Fix.
4. Learn to play guitar... Yeah this basically will change my future.
5. Attempt to befriend people at college. I know this seems difficult, but I have faith.
6. Write your god damn book. Yeah, I'm fucking talking down to you here, Brittany. You need to do this already.
7. Get tattoos. I'm allowed to get them, because they make me so happy. I just realized I'm using both third, second, and first person in this post. Way to go me.
8. Leave facebook alone.
9. Take more pictures. You're surprisingly good at it.
10. I need to stop hating myself because I don't look and act a certain way, with a certain voice and a certain laugh. I need to learn that every part of me is beautiful just the way I am.

2011

Sonny's going to flip when he gets his secret santa gift. No, I'm not the one giving him a gift. But I know who it is and what they got and it's nifty.

I have so little time to prepare my romantic gift to be given very soon. On January 12th actually. I'm excited. I hope it'll be good.

>.< I happy.

This post is pointless. It merely exists because I want to post something, not because I have something really amazing to say.


Oh yeah, I almost forgot...
IT'S 2011! This is the year. This is my time. So far it's been a great introduction into the new year, minus a kiss at midnight. I'm so excited for magic to occur this year! OH and I'm wearing my lucky underwear. Good thoughts.

>.< I repeat, I happy.