My throat is so swollen I can hardly speak.
I don't see why I deserve this.
Usually it's karma. You lie. You get a sore throat.
But I feel like I'm one of the few people actually being honest these days.
I can't trust anyone.
I don't feel like I'm being treated properly, by a lot of people. I don't feel like I'm actually taken seriously. Honestly, the only people I feel really respect me are Megan and Leland. That's strange because before Megan and I fought... but you know, we don't lie to each other. And after we had that huge fight this year after being friends for years with no fights at all, we're now great. We're always upfront and understand each other completely and have no judgment against the other. And Leland, I never thought he really viewed me as a great friend or someone who had anything important to say until this year. Living with Leland has been one of the best things for me. He really cares, and he is someone who would never play any kind of game or speak any kind of bullshit.
So I can trust them.
As for the rest, I feel a bit burned.
I just want the truth.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I'm awkward.
I believe I lost my inhibitions from moving around, heart breaks, experiences with intoxication, performing dances and songs, and most of all, from the crowd of friends I had the last year.
I forget that not everyone is like this. I forget that some people might find me difficult to relate to or connect with or understand. I forget that some people might think I'm weird, come on too strong, or act too impulsively.
Maybe that's why I have an audition with a ridiculous reality show this weekend.
I forget that not everyone is like this. I forget that some people might find me difficult to relate to or connect with or understand. I forget that some people might think I'm weird, come on too strong, or act too impulsively.
Maybe that's why I have an audition with a ridiculous reality show this weekend.
Dream.
Wrote this for a book in the summer. Don't know how I feel about it.
I awoke on a rough ground, sprinkled with metallic sediments and red plants that resembled some type of fruit. I stretched out my arms and brushed my fingers through my tangled black hair. It was slightly longer than I remembered it being, by a few inches maybe. I yawned and breathed in an unfamiliar air. This isn't where I had fallen asleep, yet I wasn't alarmed to wake up here. There was nothing to be afraid of.
Above me were purple star lights, only they were closer and brighter than before, and shaped like sharp diamonds rather than circles. I wasn't sure if they were beautiful. I felt a drop on my head, I spun and danced expecting rain to fall. There were no clouds, there was no sun, there wasn't even a sky. Just the star lights.
A trail appeared in front of my feet, and I wandered down the path. Every step I took was illuminated with music. I played distinct melodies and harmonized with the tips of my toes. An electric frenzy of sound gathered and collided all around me. The path was thinning. A green flash up ahead caught my attention. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew I had to get there soon. I ran trying my best to keep my balance, as the ground had vanished except for the trail below me, getting thinner and thinner every inch forward.
"Brittany," a calm voice whistled. I kept running. I needed to be faster.
"Brittany," the same voice repeated, wanting to capture me. I wouldn't succumb. I needed to keep going, I didn't want to waste the moment.
"Brittany!" the yell sent shivers through my spine forcing me into paralysis. I was standing on the edge of the path, trying not to fall into the nothingness before me. I slowly turned my head, looking for the source of the voice.
And then I fell. I fell down into spiraling doom with nothing to catch me, but fantasy. I saw myself landing in a field of daffodils, feeling light on my skin and love in my heart. Before I knew it, there I was.
"How is this possible?" I wondered aloud. Just then I heard thunder approaching. Loud, cracking thunder. I searched but I saw no storm brewing from any direction.
THOOM!(yes, thoom) Stumbled in front of me was a creature that resembled a black panther but five times the size, and it had magnificent wings coated in an iridescent sheen. It had pure white eyes and soft teeth. Upon it's back was a boy, only he was facing the other way, forbidding me to get a good look at him.
The boy climbed down off of the gigantic animal and walked around to face me. Only, when the boy approached me he was still facing the other way.
"Let me see your face," I demanded.
"Do not worry, Brittany," the boy said once again. Why would I... or should I be worried? I felt his stare on my face, but how could that be? He wasn't looking at me. Yet his eyes saw me, not just my physical presence but everything that I am. I closed my eyes, hoping that might shut him out.
By closing my eyes, I was able to see. I saw memories, year by year, day by day, second by second. All the experiences of this boy flashed before me, a movie premiere within my mind. All of them were so brief I couldn't fully comprehend a one. I believe I saw his father, who is no longer alive. I couldn't quite grasp how he died. I saw the boy learn how to fight, but I didn't know what he was fighting. I saw a girl, she appeared quite often. Her bright green eyes and shiny golden hair stood out tremendously. I couldn't tell what their relationship to each other had been. Last, I began to see something smoking, something arising out of flames...
"Brittany!" my eyes were forced open by the sound of the boy's yell.
"I... I'm..." I thought to apologize, but I didn't feel I had actually done anything wrong. "What just happened?"
"It's this place. Here, there are no secrets. Everything is shared. Every voice, every thought, every dream, can be any ones. It's not safe here. You need to go back." His ambiguity bothered me. I hated taking guesses at what people meant, and I hated being told what to do.
"What if I don't want to go back?" I tested.
"Do not worry, Brittany," he soothed.
"Why are you repeating that?"
"As long as there is a reason to say it, I will. You have to go back. You can't be here." I thought about his words.
"How do you know my name?" I asked.
"You really don't remember, do you? This always happens. I want to try something different this time, maybe... maybe then you'll remember never to come back."
He ran away from me. I knew I was supposed to chase him, but I didn't like the idea. I held back, I wasn't the type of girl who's going to run after a boy even if he did seem intriguing. I looked down and realized I was after him. I wanted to kick myself for doing it, but it seemed something else was in control of my body. I tried to clench my knuckles but I couldn't make myself do it. For the first time since waking up here, I was afraid.
My heart was beating steadily, though I felt the current of adrenaline pull me onwards. I felt as if I was being chased, rather than chasing the boy. Emotions, logic, and sense all seemed to be in a power struggle.
Stopped. We stopped running. We stopped breathing. A single inhalation of air would destroy this feeling. I silently closed my eyes and felt the boy's connection to me, a pang hitting my chest while romantic intoxication clouded my brain. He began to turn around.
I saw him. His face. He had been hiding it so long but when I looked at him I remembered it all. I remembered all the times I had met him here. He was my all, my everything. I revisited memories of pressing my lips against his, meeting as one.
But he was trapped here. And I needed to save him.
I awoke on a rough ground, sprinkled with metallic sediments and red plants that resembled some type of fruit. I stretched out my arms and brushed my fingers through my tangled black hair. It was slightly longer than I remembered it being, by a few inches maybe. I yawned and breathed in an unfamiliar air. This isn't where I had fallen asleep, yet I wasn't alarmed to wake up here. There was nothing to be afraid of.
Above me were purple star lights, only they were closer and brighter than before, and shaped like sharp diamonds rather than circles. I wasn't sure if they were beautiful. I felt a drop on my head, I spun and danced expecting rain to fall. There were no clouds, there was no sun, there wasn't even a sky. Just the star lights.
A trail appeared in front of my feet, and I wandered down the path. Every step I took was illuminated with music. I played distinct melodies and harmonized with the tips of my toes. An electric frenzy of sound gathered and collided all around me. The path was thinning. A green flash up ahead caught my attention. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew I had to get there soon. I ran trying my best to keep my balance, as the ground had vanished except for the trail below me, getting thinner and thinner every inch forward.
"Brittany," a calm voice whistled. I kept running. I needed to be faster.
"Brittany," the same voice repeated, wanting to capture me. I wouldn't succumb. I needed to keep going, I didn't want to waste the moment.
"Brittany!" the yell sent shivers through my spine forcing me into paralysis. I was standing on the edge of the path, trying not to fall into the nothingness before me. I slowly turned my head, looking for the source of the voice.
And then I fell. I fell down into spiraling doom with nothing to catch me, but fantasy. I saw myself landing in a field of daffodils, feeling light on my skin and love in my heart. Before I knew it, there I was.
"How is this possible?" I wondered aloud. Just then I heard thunder approaching. Loud, cracking thunder. I searched but I saw no storm brewing from any direction.
THOOM!(yes, thoom) Stumbled in front of me was a creature that resembled a black panther but five times the size, and it had magnificent wings coated in an iridescent sheen. It had pure white eyes and soft teeth. Upon it's back was a boy, only he was facing the other way, forbidding me to get a good look at him.
The boy climbed down off of the gigantic animal and walked around to face me. Only, when the boy approached me he was still facing the other way.
"Let me see your face," I demanded.
"Do not worry, Brittany," the boy said once again. Why would I... or should I be worried? I felt his stare on my face, but how could that be? He wasn't looking at me. Yet his eyes saw me, not just my physical presence but everything that I am. I closed my eyes, hoping that might shut him out.
By closing my eyes, I was able to see. I saw memories, year by year, day by day, second by second. All the experiences of this boy flashed before me, a movie premiere within my mind. All of them were so brief I couldn't fully comprehend a one. I believe I saw his father, who is no longer alive. I couldn't quite grasp how he died. I saw the boy learn how to fight, but I didn't know what he was fighting. I saw a girl, she appeared quite often. Her bright green eyes and shiny golden hair stood out tremendously. I couldn't tell what their relationship to each other had been. Last, I began to see something smoking, something arising out of flames...
"Brittany!" my eyes were forced open by the sound of the boy's yell.
"I... I'm..." I thought to apologize, but I didn't feel I had actually done anything wrong. "What just happened?"
"It's this place. Here, there are no secrets. Everything is shared. Every voice, every thought, every dream, can be any ones. It's not safe here. You need to go back." His ambiguity bothered me. I hated taking guesses at what people meant, and I hated being told what to do.
"What if I don't want to go back?" I tested.
"Do not worry, Brittany," he soothed.
"Why are you repeating that?"
"As long as there is a reason to say it, I will. You have to go back. You can't be here." I thought about his words.
"How do you know my name?" I asked.
"You really don't remember, do you? This always happens. I want to try something different this time, maybe... maybe then you'll remember never to come back."
He ran away from me. I knew I was supposed to chase him, but I didn't like the idea. I held back, I wasn't the type of girl who's going to run after a boy even if he did seem intriguing. I looked down and realized I was after him. I wanted to kick myself for doing it, but it seemed something else was in control of my body. I tried to clench my knuckles but I couldn't make myself do it. For the first time since waking up here, I was afraid.
My heart was beating steadily, though I felt the current of adrenaline pull me onwards. I felt as if I was being chased, rather than chasing the boy. Emotions, logic, and sense all seemed to be in a power struggle.
Stopped. We stopped running. We stopped breathing. A single inhalation of air would destroy this feeling. I silently closed my eyes and felt the boy's connection to me, a pang hitting my chest while romantic intoxication clouded my brain. He began to turn around.
I saw him. His face. He had been hiding it so long but when I looked at him I remembered it all. I remembered all the times I had met him here. He was my all, my everything. I revisited memories of pressing my lips against his, meeting as one.
But he was trapped here. And I needed to save him.
Actual Reality.
Wrote this for a book over the summer. Not sure how I feel about it. Viagra line is hilariousssssssly bad. Named the main girl Blake but... I mean obviously every main character I use is basically me just prettier and more badass.
She then moves her attention to the car window.
It fascinates her. Watching new worlds come and disappear over and over again before her eyes, all set in a hazy lens as the pane is covered with fog. It would storm later tonight, Blake could sense it, not that it is some sort of super power. The low orange glow of sun was casting a sepia color tone on the earth. The air had grown humid and still, causing her long black hair to gently curl at the ends. Blake watched the gray clouds forming overhead as she tried to tug her curls straight. Temporarily, this is a distraction from actual life.
Too quickly and too slowly she is home. Within seconds she is in the house, in her dark bedroom, her lap top beside her playing classic rock and an old notebook is clutched tightly in her hand. Across from her is a large mirror, where she studies. She studies the asymmetry of her face, the small bumps and crevices on her skin, the black clogged pores on the tip of her imbalanced nose, and the crooked part in her hair. To everyone else, Blake was a beautiful girl. She was short and petite, but she wasn't an obvious pretty, either. Her smile stayed with you, though her teeth weren't perfectly white or perfectly straight. Her skin was fair without seeming pale even against her black hair. Her eyebrows were thick but didn't dominate her large, deep blue eyes. Her eyes were striking and questioning, but painted with makeup. In her own world, she was plain. Not even close to slightly above average. Blake's disappoint in her mediocrity consumes her.
She opens up the notebook she had in her hand and begins writing the inscription on her heart. All those words so haunting and clouding her brain are released. Her insecurities, fears, and confusions. Words keep raining on the pages as it starts to pour on the road outside. She pauses to scratch ferociously at the freakishly huge mosquito bites on her right shoulder, the same one that contains a tattoo of a black crescent moon. She then continues to keep writing these beautiful lyrics of her soul, knowing that she has clarity and a sight for that which is typically unseen.
Suddenly, it hit her. She was writing down the fourth confession of her teenage broken dreams and realized it. You could see her shake off the first warning, casting it aside like spam mail from Viagra companies. But it kept coming. She didn't want to hear it, she tried to tune out her inner voice. No one wants to feel inadequate to themselves. No one wants to validation that their greatest fear is all too real. Blake shuts the notebook and stares at the cover. She had drawn an elementary taught "v-tree" and misshapen stars on it, making known to the world this notebook belonged to only her. Blake couldn't fathom the truth.
Writing is nothing. It's her favorite thing to do and it's nothing. It's her center of gravity and it's nothing. Why is this happening? Why is she being told this? Blake throws her notebook onto the ground beside her and cradles her head in her hands. This is a pretty inconvenient truth.
She's not sure what to do next.
She then moves her attention to the car window.
It fascinates her. Watching new worlds come and disappear over and over again before her eyes, all set in a hazy lens as the pane is covered with fog. It would storm later tonight, Blake could sense it, not that it is some sort of super power. The low orange glow of sun was casting a sepia color tone on the earth. The air had grown humid and still, causing her long black hair to gently curl at the ends. Blake watched the gray clouds forming overhead as she tried to tug her curls straight. Temporarily, this is a distraction from actual life.
Too quickly and too slowly she is home. Within seconds she is in the house, in her dark bedroom, her lap top beside her playing classic rock and an old notebook is clutched tightly in her hand. Across from her is a large mirror, where she studies. She studies the asymmetry of her face, the small bumps and crevices on her skin, the black clogged pores on the tip of her imbalanced nose, and the crooked part in her hair. To everyone else, Blake was a beautiful girl. She was short and petite, but she wasn't an obvious pretty, either. Her smile stayed with you, though her teeth weren't perfectly white or perfectly straight. Her skin was fair without seeming pale even against her black hair. Her eyebrows were thick but didn't dominate her large, deep blue eyes. Her eyes were striking and questioning, but painted with makeup. In her own world, she was plain. Not even close to slightly above average. Blake's disappoint in her mediocrity consumes her.
She opens up the notebook she had in her hand and begins writing the inscription on her heart. All those words so haunting and clouding her brain are released. Her insecurities, fears, and confusions. Words keep raining on the pages as it starts to pour on the road outside. She pauses to scratch ferociously at the freakishly huge mosquito bites on her right shoulder, the same one that contains a tattoo of a black crescent moon. She then continues to keep writing these beautiful lyrics of her soul, knowing that she has clarity and a sight for that which is typically unseen.
Suddenly, it hit her. She was writing down the fourth confession of her teenage broken dreams and realized it. You could see her shake off the first warning, casting it aside like spam mail from Viagra companies. But it kept coming. She didn't want to hear it, she tried to tune out her inner voice. No one wants to feel inadequate to themselves. No one wants to validation that their greatest fear is all too real. Blake shuts the notebook and stares at the cover. She had drawn an elementary taught "v-tree" and misshapen stars on it, making known to the world this notebook belonged to only her. Blake couldn't fathom the truth.
Writing is nothing. It's her favorite thing to do and it's nothing. It's her center of gravity and it's nothing. Why is this happening? Why is she being told this? Blake throws her notebook onto the ground beside her and cradles her head in her hands. This is a pretty inconvenient truth.
She's not sure what to do next.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"words like stones" this is actually from a different blog of mine.
Words like stones,
but they are my own
Afraid for them to leave my lips
And hit my friends, my loves,
or worse yet, miss
And become lost in ruins.
Words, like stones,
can be a bit rough around the edges
but sparkle in the right light,
or dim within cracks and wedged
between broken hopes and songs.
Words like, stones,
are hard to swallow,
can leave you feeling alone,
can leave you feeling hallow.
yet in times of great sadness
they can remind you that no one is ever alone.
but they are my own
Afraid for them to leave my lips
And hit my friends, my loves,
or worse yet, miss
And become lost in ruins.
Words, like stones,
can be a bit rough around the edges
but sparkle in the right light,
or dim within cracks and wedged
between broken hopes and songs.
Words like, stones,
are hard to swallow,
can leave you feeling alone,
can leave you feeling hallow.
yet in times of great sadness
they can remind you that no one is ever alone.
Monday, February 21, 2011
At this very moment
in all space in time, I have realized what, or rather who, is important to me. All it took was a peculiar series of events, and I have found out who really matters. I know exactly what my heart is feeling.
The only trouble is, my feelings are at all logical. I want to be closer to people I don't really know. I want to be closer to people I almost have no chance at getting close to. But they matter. I want distance from a lot of those trying to push down any walls I build to keep a barrier between us.
I can't figure out exactly what to do. But this is one of those times when life is an adventure, and I just need to follow along, accepting everything thrown my way, and making decisions when different opportunities are presented. You know.. like the goosebumps choose your own adventure novels. I was always so mad at them because sometimes they didn't have a choice that I wanted to make, or sometimes the outcomes would be lame so then I'd go back and change my path. I'd reread and reread, yet I never felt I truly got to choose my own adventure. But you can't do that with life. You can't go back and choose a new adventure. You're given one big one, that can be divided into a series of little ones. No matter how many fresh starts, you never truly go back to the beginning. Sometimes what we want to do is not an option. Sometimes, the outcomes suck. But this is reality, and in reality we can't turn the pages back.
Our adventure, our fate, our destiny... isn't completely in our hands.
It's difficult for me to accept that.
The only trouble is, my feelings are at all logical. I want to be closer to people I don't really know. I want to be closer to people I almost have no chance at getting close to. But they matter. I want distance from a lot of those trying to push down any walls I build to keep a barrier between us.
I can't figure out exactly what to do. But this is one of those times when life is an adventure, and I just need to follow along, accepting everything thrown my way, and making decisions when different opportunities are presented. You know.. like the goosebumps choose your own adventure novels. I was always so mad at them because sometimes they didn't have a choice that I wanted to make, or sometimes the outcomes would be lame so then I'd go back and change my path. I'd reread and reread, yet I never felt I truly got to choose my own adventure. But you can't do that with life. You can't go back and choose a new adventure. You're given one big one, that can be divided into a series of little ones. No matter how many fresh starts, you never truly go back to the beginning. Sometimes what we want to do is not an option. Sometimes, the outcomes suck. But this is reality, and in reality we can't turn the pages back.
Our adventure, our fate, our destiny... isn't completely in our hands.
It's difficult for me to accept that.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Update.
I feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong?
I don't know. I express my feelings all the time. I try to make sure everyone important in my life is feeling okay. So... why all the emotional unrest? What exactly am I not doing that needs to be done?
And I just want them all smiling and happy and feeling satisfied with the way I interact with them.
Also... I wish I even knew what was going on with people. Honesty is so refreshing. And I would hope that people would be willing to let me in when they admit they care so much for me. It seems like that should happen. But yet... here I am, left waiting in the dark.
I'm sick of the shadows.
*******************************************************
I'm pretty happy with myself. I'm happy with the way life is starting to go. I'm happy with the decisions I've made. I can only trust that everything will work out as it should.
I don't know. I express my feelings all the time. I try to make sure everyone important in my life is feeling okay. So... why all the emotional unrest? What exactly am I not doing that needs to be done?
And I just want them all smiling and happy and feeling satisfied with the way I interact with them.
Also... I wish I even knew what was going on with people. Honesty is so refreshing. And I would hope that people would be willing to let me in when they admit they care so much for me. It seems like that should happen. But yet... here I am, left waiting in the dark.
I'm sick of the shadows.
*******************************************************
I'm pretty happy with myself. I'm happy with the way life is starting to go. I'm happy with the decisions I've made. I can only trust that everything will work out as it should.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Vague.
I don't think a lot of my feelings are reciprocated in any situation. It's rather frustrating.
Maybe I should ignore all my feelings because they are a bit irrational. Maybe I'll be less confused that way.
I'm hoping.
Maybe I should ignore all my feelings because they are a bit irrational. Maybe I'll be less confused that way.
I'm hoping.
He Wasn't
Loves burned my brain and every time it's the same, over and over again trying to feel some love within. And deeper I fall, closer I come to finding a reason for it all. But time after time when I think he's mine I find there's another idea on his mind. But I want to keep stepping outside my door even if it doesn't evolve to anything more. I don't care if he wasn't good and he wasn't right, I care that I didn't put up a fight for something to hold on to each night.
My emotions are getting frustrating. I feel so great, but it's not exactly real. It's this fantasy I've created in which anything is possible. Wake up.
My emotions are getting frustrating. I feel so great, but it's not exactly real. It's this fantasy I've created in which anything is possible. Wake up.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Dirty Little Secret
Let me be honest, I'm a great liar.
I am extremely honest almost all the time, yet I am a phenomenal liar.
And I lie about what matters, that's the tragic thing.
I've become so attuned to putting up a front, it doesn't even feel like a lie anymore. It's starting to feel like I actually am what I say. But my heart knows I'm not. And the people who know my heart, would know that I'm not. I'm not exactly sure who those people are. I think I could name a couple.
Feelings don't make sense.
But I'm afraid of the apathetic. I was like that once, probably an influence from the ex love of my life. And the reason we failed? Well, he stopped caring. That was exactly it.
People who don't care scare me.
But me, I care foolishly or not at all.
What's the logic in that?
"I can make people think that I'm normal, that I'm coping, that I'm okay. But I've never been okay."
You'll never understand
because you don't scratch your skin when you look in the mirror
and daydream about some car out the window running you over
You'll never understand
because you don't feel the urge to scream every waking moment
and fear the falsity of love your dreams present
You'll never understand
because you don't have to bleed for the world to make sense
and feel undeserving of even the slightest happiness.
^ That side of me.. that dark, suicidal, insane part of me... Doesn't surface that often anymore. However, when it does, it's bad. It's the worst it's ever been. Every time I get closer and closer. Right now I'm fine. Right now I'm alive. Right now I'm even happy.
Or maybe I'm lying to myself. Maybe I'm never okay. Maybe I've forced myself into delusion to keep from hurting others. Let me be honest, I'm a great liar. And the best liars are the ones that can convince themselves to believe.
I am extremely honest almost all the time, yet I am a phenomenal liar.
And I lie about what matters, that's the tragic thing.
I've become so attuned to putting up a front, it doesn't even feel like a lie anymore. It's starting to feel like I actually am what I say. But my heart knows I'm not. And the people who know my heart, would know that I'm not. I'm not exactly sure who those people are. I think I could name a couple.
Feelings don't make sense.
But I'm afraid of the apathetic. I was like that once, probably an influence from the ex love of my life. And the reason we failed? Well, he stopped caring. That was exactly it.
People who don't care scare me.
But me, I care foolishly or not at all.
What's the logic in that?
"I can make people think that I'm normal, that I'm coping, that I'm okay. But I've never been okay."
You'll never understand
because you don't scratch your skin when you look in the mirror
and daydream about some car out the window running you over
You'll never understand
because you don't feel the urge to scream every waking moment
and fear the falsity of love your dreams present
You'll never understand
because you don't have to bleed for the world to make sense
and feel undeserving of even the slightest happiness.
^ That side of me.. that dark, suicidal, insane part of me... Doesn't surface that often anymore. However, when it does, it's bad. It's the worst it's ever been. Every time I get closer and closer. Right now I'm fine. Right now I'm alive. Right now I'm even happy.
Or maybe I'm lying to myself. Maybe I'm never okay. Maybe I've forced myself into delusion to keep from hurting others. Let me be honest, I'm a great liar. And the best liars are the ones that can convince themselves to believe.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I already know
I know it's the same feeling, but I'm still hoping. I know you don't have that certainty, but I'm still hoping.
But I felt inspired. So I wrote.
Love ablaze
Casts a spell on tortured souls
And ripped hearts dying to be sewn
We shone
In the light of surreal emotion
And wounded past eased with devotion
Love explodes
Leads us down this broken road
And we find we're more damaged than we know
We've been scorched,
we tried but we were burned
The fire couldn't keep us alive
We've been thrown in flames,
and with ash we went away
The fire couldn't keep us alive
Love ablaze
Casts a spell to torture souls
And rip hearts apart to make us alone
We froze
In a sunless glow of empty devotion
And we pleaded to believe our emotions
Love implodes
Leads us to self hatred and demise
And we find we're slowly dying inside
We've been scorched,
we tried but we were burned
The fire couldn't keep us alive
We've been thrown in flames,
and with ash we went away
The fire couldn't keep us alive
But I felt inspired. So I wrote.
Love ablaze
Casts a spell on tortured souls
And ripped hearts dying to be sewn
We shone
In the light of surreal emotion
And wounded past eased with devotion
Love explodes
Leads us down this broken road
And we find we're more damaged than we know
We've been scorched,
we tried but we were burned
The fire couldn't keep us alive
We've been thrown in flames,
and with ash we went away
The fire couldn't keep us alive
Love ablaze
Casts a spell to torture souls
And rip hearts apart to make us alone
We froze
In a sunless glow of empty devotion
And we pleaded to believe our emotions
Love implodes
Leads us to self hatred and demise
And we find we're slowly dying inside
We've been scorched,
we tried but we were burned
The fire couldn't keep us alive
We've been thrown in flames,
and with ash we went away
The fire couldn't keep us alive
Monday, February 14, 2011
sentimental thread.
Heart beats, bleeds
Thoughts speak, feed
There's you and me
And I need to feel you feel my want.
And we'll make it through all these days,
Oh my love, we're on our way.
Hold my hand, take my heart,
Look, a shooting star.
Swim by land, walk on sea
See, it's who we are.
******************************************************
I don't need you to take the pain away
But you make me better each day
I don't need you to make me feel this way
But you make love better each day
******************************************************
I'd love to write a thousand melodies
singing why I want you and me
But I'm not that talented or musical
and my words aren't that beautiful
I'd love to make you feel everything
so much I pluck your heart strings
But that sounds kind of creepy and kind of weird
and I'm not scary just sincere
Please fall in love
and dream of me
And when you wake,
think of me
Please fall in love
and sing of me
And when you talk,
speak of me
Please fall in love
and stay with me
And if you go,
leave with me
Please fall in love.
Thoughts speak, feed
There's you and me
And I need to feel you feel my want.
And we'll make it through all these days,
Oh my love, we're on our way.
Hold my hand, take my heart,
Look, a shooting star.
Swim by land, walk on sea
See, it's who we are.
******************************************************
I don't need you to take the pain away
But you make me better each day
I don't need you to make me feel this way
But you make love better each day
******************************************************
I'd love to write a thousand melodies
singing why I want you and me
But I'm not that talented or musical
and my words aren't that beautiful
I'd love to make you feel everything
so much I pluck your heart strings
But that sounds kind of creepy and kind of weird
and I'm not scary just sincere
Please fall in love
and dream of me
And when you wake,
think of me
Please fall in love
and sing of me
And when you talk,
speak of me
Please fall in love
and stay with me
And if you go,
leave with me
Please fall in love.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Glitter. Shine. Sparkle.
City stars
twinkling but dwindling,
stolen by the dreamers, wishing they could be who they are
Flashing lights
blinding but finding,
shining on the believers, hiding in the dark of the night
We are the stories lost and forgotten
Written on fallen stone
We cannot step aside and wait for a sunrise
twinkling but dwindling,
stolen by the dreamers, wishing they could be who they are
Flashing lights
blinding but finding,
shining on the believers, hiding in the dark of the night
We are the stories lost and forgotten
Written on fallen stone
We cannot step aside and wait for a sunrise
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Hey you, stars and angels and what not..
I never want what's easy. Maybe just because I like a challenge? Maybe because something you have to work for seems more valuable? Or maybe it's just because the greatest path I can follow in my life cannot be just handed to me?
What I long for right now is a life that is so difficult to obtain. It's getting more frustrating, yet more satisfying every passing day. I feel closer and closer to my desires yet I feel angry that I'm not where I want to be.
Soon. Please, let it be soon. I'm kind of begging here, Universe. If you could help out with this one, it'd be greatly appreciated. I'm speaking to the Stars I depend on, the Angels I turn to, and the fates that I don't necessarily believe in. I need this. And I'm not the only one who does. Please.
What I long for right now is a life that is so difficult to obtain. It's getting more frustrating, yet more satisfying every passing day. I feel closer and closer to my desires yet I feel angry that I'm not where I want to be.
Soon. Please, let it be soon. I'm kind of begging here, Universe. If you could help out with this one, it'd be greatly appreciated. I'm speaking to the Stars I depend on, the Angels I turn to, and the fates that I don't necessarily believe in. I need this. And I'm not the only one who does. Please.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Hi.
Right now I'm looking at the stars.
All my life, stars have been special.
They've always been the only thing to make sense.
Right now, I take comfort in knowing that these stars that are here for me, are also there for you.
I know this is a little crazy,
and other people won't get it...
But that doesn't matter to me, because we have the same sky.
All my life, stars have been special.
They've always been the only thing to make sense.
Right now, I take comfort in knowing that these stars that are here for me, are also there for you.
I know this is a little crazy,
and other people won't get it...
But that doesn't matter to me, because we have the same sky.
BB Gun.
Faster, lover, take me farther
Let me taste the sky
And shine amongst the stars, burned
But bright tonight
Kiss me, fill me, bring me to life
Let me drink the blood
And live amongst the people, seen
But lot inside
Seek my wounded heart's lyric
And touch me, give me all you have
My breath is yours, pulse matched with spirit
I feel you love me and forever we'll dream
Let me taste the sky
And shine amongst the stars, burned
But bright tonight
Kiss me, fill me, bring me to life
Let me drink the blood
And live amongst the people, seen
But lot inside
Seek my wounded heart's lyric
And touch me, give me all you have
My breath is yours, pulse matched with spirit
I feel you love me and forever we'll dream
Monday, February 7, 2011
I'm starting to feel the fear
That my current actions are going to come back to bite me in the ass. It's not that I'm making "poor" decisions, but rather I'm making "risky" decisions.
Whenever I get invested in something, I get pretty damn devoted... I like to make sure I'm the best at whatever I'm trying to do. I like to make sure I have no threats. Not really realistic... I get that.
I'm afraid of people being dishonest with me. I'm afraid of being too trusting.
But I have faith that things should be okay...
I'm just a little. scared.
Whenever I get invested in something, I get pretty damn devoted... I like to make sure I'm the best at whatever I'm trying to do. I like to make sure I have no threats. Not really realistic... I get that.
I'm afraid of people being dishonest with me. I'm afraid of being too trusting.
But I have faith that things should be okay...
I'm just a little. scared.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Really?
I thought what we had was beyond attention-seeking facebook status complaints, but apparently not. You know, it's what it is. I made a decision, and I have to take whatever follows that. But I just think it's a little like something I did when I was 15.
So I went to my brother's basketball game on his birthday (they crushed the other team), and whoever is the cardinal mascot, decided to mess with me and Jessamyn. At first he thought we were from the other school and I told him that my dad is the Middleton coach and my brother plays, and he proceeded to tell me that my dad is an awful coach and asks me about where I go to school. When I told him, he responded with an "Oh shit" and then said that I look like a high school freshman just to piss me off. I told him that he should probably walk away then, and he did and then told his buddy mascot about the sitauation, pointing directly at Jess and I.
I mean... REALLY? Why? What's the point? What's the gain? I don't get it.
So I went to my brother's basketball game on his birthday (they crushed the other team), and whoever is the cardinal mascot, decided to mess with me and Jessamyn. At first he thought we were from the other school and I told him that my dad is the Middleton coach and my brother plays, and he proceeded to tell me that my dad is an awful coach and asks me about where I go to school. When I told him, he responded with an "Oh shit" and then said that I look like a high school freshman just to piss me off. I told him that he should probably walk away then, and he did and then told his buddy mascot about the sitauation, pointing directly at Jess and I.
I mean... REALLY? Why? What's the point? What's the gain? I don't get it.
I feel sufficiently awkward
by having to read about my private situations being brought up on facebook. Well no, I don't mean I have to read it.. but I mean that it's there. For someone who wanted to keep their personal life so private on a social networking site, I'm more than a little confused.
So I'll post this blog about how I feel awkward. It's way more private than facebook, I only have 8 followers and not all of them really follow. I've gotten slightly over 2000 views since last May when I began this.
I have a ridiculous Wisconsin accent that must go away.
So I'll post this blog about how I feel awkward. It's way more private than facebook, I only have 8 followers and not all of them really follow. I've gotten slightly over 2000 views since last May when I began this.
I have a ridiculous Wisconsin accent that must go away.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Love is never false.
I think there's less than a handful of people right now who are happy with me. That's okay. I'm learning I can deal because I'm bettering myself, my life. If they don't want me to be happy, then they don't need to be a part of my life. Easy. Well, no, not really all that simple... It is definitely that stab and twist feeling, but alas, that's how life goes.
Yesterday in Shakespeare discussion we had the best argument... Whether or not Romeo and Juliet's love was based upon appearance and lust and never amounted to anything beyond superficial, or if their love transcended through the superficiality into something true.
I was appointed the side that they were in love.
Some of the pieces of evidence from the opposing side:
Romeo just before was "in love" with someone else.
Their love was quick.
He often spoke of Juliet's beauty.
Benvolio mocks Romeo for falling for beauty.
Mercutio calls Romeo a lover, like he falls in love with love.
They are so young, especially Juliet.
Romeo makes a sexual remark to Mercutio about Juliet, making her seem less meaningful.
Evidence from my side:
Just because their love amounted quickly does not evidently lessen their romance.
In the balcony scene, Romeo makes it clear the only satisfaction he wants is Juliet's faithful vow, not a lustful proposition.
*They wait until their wedding night to engage in sex, an ultimate task of physical interest and want for satisfaction.
*Also during the balcony scene, Juliet tells Romeo it's too quick and too rash, meaning she's thinking things through.
Romeo was out of love with Rosaline and didn't do anything, but when he was out of love with Juliet he committed suicide. Granted, Juliet had died, not broken up with him, it's still something to look at.
When Romeo is exiled, Juliet does not speak ill of him. She still loves him without being able to see him.
*The commit to each other in every way possible, faithful vow, marriage, consummation, and death.
*They show their eternal devotion through their joined suicide. Both could not live without the other.
*Love cannot be limited. Juliet says the more she has the more she gives, for both are infinite. Love doesn't need a certain amount of time or a certain age.
*Lastly, in death they are together forever without the conflict of reality, showing love expels all boundaries.
*I starred the ones that I came up with, but the rest were group members.
We had our long debate and at the beginning, everyone (but me) believed that Romeo and Juliet didn't truly love each other. At the end, a lot of people were convinced that they did, others just convinced that there's no way to really know. So many interpretations... Ah, literature.
But at the end of class as well, everyone just kind of looked around and said.. "Wow, that was amazing." We did a justice to his work by our discussion. It was remarkable the amount of textual evidence with every claim, and the amount of passion behind people's words.
But what's more tragic... two lovers' ending their lives because of the harshness of the situations around them, or two young people who thought they were in love, and ended their lives over something that never really existed in the first place?
Meow kitty frar.
I'm sure there's more I want to type.
On the topic of love, I hate it when people who've never experienced it, preach it. Kind of like how Theseus in A Midsummer Night's Dream, though he claims he's in love (dude, you won you're girl through a battle at war, not through a battle of the heart), constantly talks down to the young lover's and claims that lovers, lunatics, and poets are all the same. You know, I'm all three of those things, and I see the connections. Obviously. But love doesn't have to be reasonable to be present.
But anyways, these people question me... If you break up with someone, you can't be sad about it. If you break up with someone, you never loved them. Duh. Actually, no... that's not how it works. To quote a friend, "You can't just flip a switch and suddenly you don't care about someone." I'm sad about it. Very sad. And I'd like to claim my right to be. And I love him, so don't ever question that. Sometimes a relationship needs more than just love to work, and being selfish and wanting to depend on a relationship for everything isn't really loving someone. It's using them.
Romeo and Juliet, they were a bit obsessive, yes. But they always thought of the other first. Romeo did end up killing Tybalt but it took a lot to finally get him to do it. He made a bad move, and Juliet forgave him. They didn't just love each other, they also put each other before everything else and that is why their fate was what it was.
In modern times and true reality, it's not quite as theatrical. But sometimes you have to make choices you don't completely want to make in order to be fair. In order to follow your heart. In order to do what is best. Oh yes, it's all subjective. It's all so messy... But if you've never been in love and if you've never had your heartbroken, it's not as easy to understand.
And let me tell you, falling in love and experiencing magic, and out of love and experiencing heartbreak... it's living. It's the most fascinating part of living.
What else can I write about?
Oh, I'm kind of sick of people also saying mrow, schmer, frar, and schtuff. I don't know why it's just kind of annoying. But not a huge deal.
What I'm really sick of though, is feeling like a lot of people won't just let me live my life. I want it to be solely mine, I hate other people getting involved... which is the main reason for a lot of choices I've been making recently.
At the same time, there are moments where I want someone there to be involved and be on my side. Unfortunately, I can't really find anyone to do that. I thought I had, but situations have proven that's not the way it goes. What's lame is I would do that for them.
I feel pretty okay. It's been a crazy sort of week. But I'm ready to just move on with my life and stop beating myself up over everything.
Yesterday in Shakespeare discussion we had the best argument... Whether or not Romeo and Juliet's love was based upon appearance and lust and never amounted to anything beyond superficial, or if their love transcended through the superficiality into something true.
I was appointed the side that they were in love.
Some of the pieces of evidence from the opposing side:
Romeo just before was "in love" with someone else.
Their love was quick.
He often spoke of Juliet's beauty.
Benvolio mocks Romeo for falling for beauty.
Mercutio calls Romeo a lover, like he falls in love with love.
They are so young, especially Juliet.
Romeo makes a sexual remark to Mercutio about Juliet, making her seem less meaningful.
Evidence from my side:
Just because their love amounted quickly does not evidently lessen their romance.
In the balcony scene, Romeo makes it clear the only satisfaction he wants is Juliet's faithful vow, not a lustful proposition.
*They wait until their wedding night to engage in sex, an ultimate task of physical interest and want for satisfaction.
*Also during the balcony scene, Juliet tells Romeo it's too quick and too rash, meaning she's thinking things through.
Romeo was out of love with Rosaline and didn't do anything, but when he was out of love with Juliet he committed suicide. Granted, Juliet had died, not broken up with him, it's still something to look at.
When Romeo is exiled, Juliet does not speak ill of him. She still loves him without being able to see him.
*The commit to each other in every way possible, faithful vow, marriage, consummation, and death.
*They show their eternal devotion through their joined suicide. Both could not live without the other.
*Love cannot be limited. Juliet says the more she has the more she gives, for both are infinite. Love doesn't need a certain amount of time or a certain age.
*Lastly, in death they are together forever without the conflict of reality, showing love expels all boundaries.
*I starred the ones that I came up with, but the rest were group members.
We had our long debate and at the beginning, everyone (but me) believed that Romeo and Juliet didn't truly love each other. At the end, a lot of people were convinced that they did, others just convinced that there's no way to really know. So many interpretations... Ah, literature.
But at the end of class as well, everyone just kind of looked around and said.. "Wow, that was amazing." We did a justice to his work by our discussion. It was remarkable the amount of textual evidence with every claim, and the amount of passion behind people's words.
But what's more tragic... two lovers' ending their lives because of the harshness of the situations around them, or two young people who thought they were in love, and ended their lives over something that never really existed in the first place?
Meow kitty frar.
I'm sure there's more I want to type.
On the topic of love, I hate it when people who've never experienced it, preach it. Kind of like how Theseus in A Midsummer Night's Dream, though he claims he's in love (dude, you won you're girl through a battle at war, not through a battle of the heart), constantly talks down to the young lover's and claims that lovers, lunatics, and poets are all the same. You know, I'm all three of those things, and I see the connections. Obviously. But love doesn't have to be reasonable to be present.
But anyways, these people question me... If you break up with someone, you can't be sad about it. If you break up with someone, you never loved them. Duh. Actually, no... that's not how it works. To quote a friend, "You can't just flip a switch and suddenly you don't care about someone." I'm sad about it. Very sad. And I'd like to claim my right to be. And I love him, so don't ever question that. Sometimes a relationship needs more than just love to work, and being selfish and wanting to depend on a relationship for everything isn't really loving someone. It's using them.
Romeo and Juliet, they were a bit obsessive, yes. But they always thought of the other first. Romeo did end up killing Tybalt but it took a lot to finally get him to do it. He made a bad move, and Juliet forgave him. They didn't just love each other, they also put each other before everything else and that is why their fate was what it was.
In modern times and true reality, it's not quite as theatrical. But sometimes you have to make choices you don't completely want to make in order to be fair. In order to follow your heart. In order to do what is best. Oh yes, it's all subjective. It's all so messy... But if you've never been in love and if you've never had your heartbroken, it's not as easy to understand.
And let me tell you, falling in love and experiencing magic, and out of love and experiencing heartbreak... it's living. It's the most fascinating part of living.
What else can I write about?
Oh, I'm kind of sick of people also saying mrow, schmer, frar, and schtuff. I don't know why it's just kind of annoying. But not a huge deal.
What I'm really sick of though, is feeling like a lot of people won't just let me live my life. I want it to be solely mine, I hate other people getting involved... which is the main reason for a lot of choices I've been making recently.
At the same time, there are moments where I want someone there to be involved and be on my side. Unfortunately, I can't really find anyone to do that. I thought I had, but situations have proven that's not the way it goes. What's lame is I would do that for them.
I feel pretty okay. It's been a crazy sort of week. But I'm ready to just move on with my life and stop beating myself up over everything.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I'm drinking Sunkist.
hummmmmmm. hum hum. hum hum.
where has the starlight gone? dark is the day.
I'm very tired and very hyper at once. I took some pm meds so I'm really out of it. But I had a lot of sugar earlier and I'm feeling pretty good after my acting class today.
Things feel a bit weird, off, and like the world has shifted. However, there isn't exactly a positive or negative associated with it... I feel like a blank slate. A fresh start.
Today in drama we did this exercise where we listed why we love someone... everyone said to me they love my style, my attitude, my eyes, and the just barely visible dark side. That boosted my spirit a bit. I began the day feeling a bit like a witch, then I felt like Lady Gaga, then I felt unique, and now I feel a bit weird in the head because of my sleepy/hyper combination.
I'm a little scared, but I think he'll be okay. I wish with all my heart he is.
where has the starlight gone? dark is the day.
I'm very tired and very hyper at once. I took some pm meds so I'm really out of it. But I had a lot of sugar earlier and I'm feeling pretty good after my acting class today.
Things feel a bit weird, off, and like the world has shifted. However, there isn't exactly a positive or negative associated with it... I feel like a blank slate. A fresh start.
Today in drama we did this exercise where we listed why we love someone... everyone said to me they love my style, my attitude, my eyes, and the just barely visible dark side. That boosted my spirit a bit. I began the day feeling a bit like a witch, then I felt like Lady Gaga, then I felt unique, and now I feel a bit weird in the head because of my sleepy/hyper combination.
I'm a little scared, but I think he'll be okay. I wish with all my heart he is.
Rah rah ah ah ah ah
I hate it when people act like they are superior to everyone around them, and then directly claim that they are the exact opposite. It's just so obnoxious. I know I'm not guilty of it because a lot of times I don't go on about my opinion unless it's with my absolute closest friends, and with them I always feel like I'm inferior because I'm not as intelligent.
I don't know why but it just bothers me when somebody thinks so much of themselves. I think it's great to love yourself, and to think you're great, but to act like you are better than other people is when it crosses a line.
Other thoughts right now... I think life will be okay. I think things will work out. I'm trying to make decisions that will lead me to being a writer/fashionista/actress/awesome being... And I feel pretty pained in some ways, but then hopeful in others.
Oh. Another thing. I can't stand people who don't have relationship experience. Why? Because they cannot relate to what it feels like on either side of the fence when things are perfect and when things end... and then they make assumptions. Stupid assumptions. Love is complex. Love is crazy. Love is illogical. And sometimes, no matter how much love you have for someone... they aren't the one. Yes, I believe in the one. Yes, that's probably pathetic. No, I will not give up that dream.
Umang, this guy my sister is dating, is super cool. He was the one who really got me thinking today. And together he and my sister made me have a realization... I am desperately afraid of saying and doing things that hurt people, because then I decide that I'm a bad person, and being a bad person means that I'm worthless. And therefore, I constantly consider myself worthless. And I stay worthless when I do things like cut myself because I hurt people around me when I do that... and the cycle continues. I'm ready to stop all that.
And... if outside people have a problem with the way I live my life... too bad. Why? Because I'm seeing that even though people tell me certain emotions I feel and certain things I do are WRONG... doesn't mean they are. That's completely subjective. No one has that right over me... and I want to live my life for me. I want to be happy. I can't continue constantly using other people for happiness.
I don't know why but it just bothers me when somebody thinks so much of themselves. I think it's great to love yourself, and to think you're great, but to act like you are better than other people is when it crosses a line.
Other thoughts right now... I think life will be okay. I think things will work out. I'm trying to make decisions that will lead me to being a writer/fashionista/actress/awesome being... And I feel pretty pained in some ways, but then hopeful in others.
Oh. Another thing. I can't stand people who don't have relationship experience. Why? Because they cannot relate to what it feels like on either side of the fence when things are perfect and when things end... and then they make assumptions. Stupid assumptions. Love is complex. Love is crazy. Love is illogical. And sometimes, no matter how much love you have for someone... they aren't the one. Yes, I believe in the one. Yes, that's probably pathetic. No, I will not give up that dream.
Umang, this guy my sister is dating, is super cool. He was the one who really got me thinking today. And together he and my sister made me have a realization... I am desperately afraid of saying and doing things that hurt people, because then I decide that I'm a bad person, and being a bad person means that I'm worthless. And therefore, I constantly consider myself worthless. And I stay worthless when I do things like cut myself because I hurt people around me when I do that... and the cycle continues. I'm ready to stop all that.
And... if outside people have a problem with the way I live my life... too bad. Why? Because I'm seeing that even though people tell me certain emotions I feel and certain things I do are WRONG... doesn't mean they are. That's completely subjective. No one has that right over me... and I want to live my life for me. I want to be happy. I can't continue constantly using other people for happiness.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
MEOW.
I feel like the spawn of the devil. I feel like I suck. I feel like I'm undeserving of everyone and everything.
And that's exactly my problem.
I'll be unhappy forever at this rate. Must. Start. Making. Changes.
And that's exactly my problem.
I'll be unhappy forever at this rate. Must. Start. Making. Changes.
Now to begin the hardest process of my life
After talking to Jessica and Umang for a seriously (in his Indian accent) long time, I've realized just how much I really need to start actually taking care of myself. I have been using other people to make me feel better about myself, accepting attention from anyone and everyone... and now I realize that love and attention need to come from myself before I can truly believe it from anyone else.
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