People don't fucking care

What I post about until I say something drastic like "I want to kill myself." That's such lame bullshit.

God I wish it didn't hurt me. But writing is the biggest part of me. What I say here and on my other blogs... it's ME.

And I just want someone to say something to me.

Responsibility

It's not easy to be responsible. It's not easy to always be your word. It's not easy for every action you take to have the best intentions.

But the word responsibility doesn't imply ease.

Accepting your role, accepting your life, accepting what you have to do in order to live your life the way you want... sounds a lot easier than it actually is.

So many people want to have a certain career, yet take little to no action to make it happen. So many people wish to have the love of their life without first taking steps to make sure they love their own life.

When you're being your word, being true to what you desire most out of life, things have a way of just falling into place.

So...

Holy. Fuck.
What an excellent way to conclude an evening.

I know you're reading, guys

And I'm thankful for that. I'm sorry I haven't had anything that interesting to say in a while. Truth is, I'm so overwhelmed by emotions these days, it's hard to fit them here in this space. I'm filled with love I have for so many people in my life right now. I am filled with sorrow and regret for the way that my friendship with Jessamyn has changed and the way I cut off from Ben. I am nervous everyday for the unexpected, but so excited at the same time. I'm scared for some people, happy for others. For myself, I'm okay. I sense that my days here may be longer than I thought. I think I've found a place in my mind inbetween the rage and love. There lies my serenity. I'm working on a book, but doing a poor job of it. I'm about to attend a three-day education program on helping myself... I wonder if it'll prove me wrong and actually benefit me. I'm lying in my bed listening to music and typing, feeling no urge whatsoever to mutilate myself. I like who I am. Funny, because I had a breakthrough the other night while I was rather intoxicated. I realized that I am awesome, I just have to remember to be it. I can't let apathy dominate my personality. I'm better than that.

Here's to... the journey.
And last night driving through the storm, I found something to believe in.

Copy Cat

I'm going to post ten confessions as well, because Tia did, and it sounded like something I need to do right now.

Confession #1: I don't believe in the landmark forum. I'm not excited for my upcoming weekend. I'd rather engage in shenanigans with friends or be with my wonderful boyfriend.

Confession #2: I could eat breakfast foods for the rest of my life, nothing else, and never get sick of it. Or peanut butter toast. I'm just that content with them.

Confession #3: I seldom look up words I don't know how to spell. Usually I'll find another way to say something, but every now and then there is a word I reallllllly want to use but just cannot spell. Rare. But it still happens.

Confession #4: I wish something tragic would happen to me just so I could get some attention. I've thought about seriously injuring myself or wandering to dangerous places in the middle of the night. I don't know why I have this bizarre craving.

Confession #5: I'm trying so hard not to be completely in love. I didn't want to rush into feeling that way. In fact, I wanted to be single for a long time. But here I am, in the midst of something so wonderful I can't hold back. And I hate that I can't hold back. I don't want to ruin it.

Confession #6: I'm not nearly as intelligent as I think I am.

Confession #7: I hate summer. I hate having open days with nothing to do. As much as I complain and complain about the bitchiness of school and work... I need it. I desire it. I hate going three months with no school.

Confession #8: I want to have a sexy Italian accent. That may be the only reason I'm talking Italian next semester.

Confession #9: I absolutely love to sing. I wish I could sing all the time, in front of anyone. I wish I would have the courage to ever try belting something out. I did once, in 8th grade while watching high school musical for the first time. I sang "Start of Something New." I received no reactions from my friends, so I decided that meant I was absolutely horrible.

Confession #10: I really, really want to be serenaded. In person.

That picture. That I love you. It's there to hurt me everyday.


Why do I have to feel that way?

Life would be beautiful

if it were easier to die.

Realization.

Whenever I feel happiness, I want to die.

A moment that's so incredible I shake and turn away. I run. Why can't I just keep looking at him? Why do I need that brief pause?

Every time I feel that good, I want it to all go away. I want to end on a note of perfection rather than battling demons and losing.

Nobody wants to die a "bad" way. Nobody wants to be brutally murdered or tortured or feel so sad they starve themselves to death or whatever the case.

It's usually, old age, in my sleep, with the one I love...

When I'm happy I want to die so I never experience the sad again. I want it all to end before it gets bad.



How am I ever supposed to feel healthy? How am I ever supposed to rid myself of all that anxiety that destroys me? How am I ever supposed to allow myself to be comfortable being me, living, and wanting to live? How... can I be?

I should bite my tongue...

this is only the beginning of something great. I have a feeling.

I'm so afraid

that you'll never look at me the way you looked at her.

Cracks on the Screen

My lap top broke, there are cracks along the screen surrounded by black and red shades. It's highly distracting and annoying... But I can still work with them there. It doesn't completely ruin everything.


I have scars on my skin, and, to my parents, they are highly distracting and annoying. They are a reminder of their "failed" years.

I have memories that bring me pain. They are highly distracting and annoying, incessantly trying to attack every good thing in my present.

But these things don't completely ruin everything. I can live with them.


I think.

Girls are silly. I'm silly.

They're so catty, and they just keep clawing and clawing.

I hate fighting. I hate conflict. Yes, every good story needs conflict. Well.. I suppose, I create it within myself more often than anything.

I try to avoid fighting with friends. In the past, this made me have like one or two huge fights with girls I was friends with. But now, I can't see ever fighting with any of them. Why? Well, I've grown up a little. I'm just not bothered by things that used to bother me. I accept my friends. And if they have a problem with me, I just walk away from it.

But girls are always causing drama, right? Honestly, I think it's because they're all too proud to admit that they are either: jealous, selfish, or hurt. Instead they attack, attack, attack! Rather than explain the REAL reason they are feeling upset.

I like to be honest about that stuff. No confusion. But with some people, that can even be difficult. In my experience, my words usually get twisted away from me, and start to mean something else. And that one... just makes me give up. What's the point? One a person is so locked into an idea, they aren't going to just up and change because I say: I love you and I care.

People are so frustrating! Don't they see that all this fighting is just a waste of time? Get down from your high horse or simply move on. If you stir drama, you care. You want to provoke something out of the other person. What's the god damn point?

I know, I'm ranting. But this is a good distraction from my fear of night. Instead focusing on the parts of the human race that I cannot stand. But, confession... I sometimes wish I could be like them. Believe me, I have tried. Some may even tell you I am just because one attempt seemed to go well.

But... I'm just not. Frankly, I just don't give a flying fuck. But I wish I did.

And I wish that I didn't have to think like this all the time. I wish that I could just be like "LOLZ LYF IS GR8!" all the freaking time. But I just can't! I'm always questioning, always seeking, always ignoring every day life to get a glimpse of eternity.

Simple-minded would be nice right now

Even everything will never be enough.

I've realized this. My head is aching. I can't sleep. God, what I would give to just be able to sleep. I'm afraid of the dark, afraid of my dreams, afraid of night.

I'm waiting for the sun to rise, because that's when everything can be alright.

And... my heart feels that same kind of ache, just not as dominant. It's faintly pumping fear into my veins. Just now, I heard a slight noise and I'm terrified I'm going to die.

But... why am I so terrified? Once I tried to make that happen. A lot of times, I wish I could have the strength to try again. Now, it would be a way to end all this suffering I feel at 4:33 am.

Every fucking night I'm alone, it's like this. What's wrong with me?

Why can't I see the beauty in everything?

Why can't I get past the fear?

Why am I torturing myself like this?

Only Just A Dream

I'll wait for you forever, if you didn't already know that about me.

All the times I've failed and all the times they did... It was practice for the real thing. I changed.

I became who I needed to be to make you happy.

And we could have it all, if you didn't already know that about us.

I only hope that you can feel what I feel, see what I see. That perhaps, defying all logic, I was made for you and you were made for me.

Dead Time

The time when all the worlds align. When ghosts can wander Earth in search for something to end their suffering.

I don't know about all that.

But I know I'm scared at this time. I'm awake, it's late, and I'm shaking. It's dark, and I want to turn on the lights but I can't move.

I'm alone. But I'm not.

I feel it here. Since I was a little girl, I saw these shadows that threatened to hurt me. I know that makes me sound crazy. But there's one here, a man, and I can't let him touch me.

But he does and I can't stop him.

I'm awake, it's late, and I'm shaking. He grabs my wrists hard, holds them above my head. I'm sinking into the bed. If only I could fall through, fall forever.

I need to be saved.

And I've waited my whole life for someone to take away the pain you caused me. To clean up the mess you made me. To heal the wounds you gave me.

That person will never come.

At least, until I realize that it's me. That I have to do that for myself. But right now, I don't think I have the strength. It's taking all my energy to stay alive, remember that life's worth living for all the moments I can't stop smiling. Those times when my mind seems to forget, for just a little while. When my heart is safe, my body feeling great, and my soul open to endless possibilities.

But how do I survive dead time?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had the most amazing idea. Now I just need microsoft word on my computer.

I don't know what to say

I feel like my heart is going to hurt forever.

What Does It Take To Be A Poet? (Slam :) first one)

What does it take to be a poet? To spell out pain like no one knows it, make listeners shake from hearing your broken sores open. Dashed with salt to burn and show it melt the only love in your life.

What does it take to be a poet? To recite the song of night like it was always your lullaby, make listeners dream from hearing your melody ring out from the silence in shadows at midnight.

I wish I could charm like a poet does, feed your soul like a poet does, show you the world like a poet does...

But I can't.

I'm nothing but the dot above an eye on the page, blind with rage and love, unafraid to walk in lightning but paralyzed when asked to give my name. And God, I'm so pathetic, with a heart that bleeds and pleads for someone else to think I'm human when in reality you have to care to be one of them.

What does it take to be a poet? I'll never understand because I can't scream my words like they can, attack paper like they can, change a life like they can.

All I do is whisper while my surroundings shout, blocking me out. And all I manage to do on paper is messy scrawls that taper off in corners and scratched out phrases noted with stars. As for changing a life, I don't see how someone who tried to end theirs is up for the task. Someone who's addicted to slashing and crashing while blood falls. Added, fuel to fire, and desire, desire, desire.

I'll never understand my heart like a poet can. Like a poet does. A heart that beats to stop, that jumps to fall, that breaks to stitch itself together piece by piece. A heart that never speaks but always tells, that never gives but always enchants, that never seeks but always finds romance. A heart that can't contain all the blood that soars through these veins. Trapped, by the pain of sixteen years with no name, but endless shame.

What does it take to be a poet? Someone who isn't scared to know it; someone who can't leave their bare soul to decay on Earth while their mind runs to uncharted stars. A few rhymes, a message, a flow to unify that doesn't even seem to try. And, by the end, I start to cry because I wish I could fly like the blood in my veins. I wish my heart could beat the same as all those who have felt the same disdain with much more fame.

What does it take to be a poet? Alive inside, alive outside. Alive sleep, alive wake. Alive love, alive hate. Alive heart, alive brain. Alive spirit, alive remains an immortal phrase on a slowly dying page, written by a soon forgotten dreamer in a waking age.

Spoken, by someone who will NEVER again live afraid.

I'm here in my room as schneidy is filming me and I'm supposed to be typing. I decided I might as well use this opportunity to write a fascinating piece of art. Jk. Lolz. I don't know what to write now this is awkward I'm trying really hard not to smile as I type and I'm realizing how much I mess up and I have to use the backspace key.

Ready

:)
Thursday.
I can't wait.

I was talking

to my friend Megan.
I asked her when was the
moment?
The right time to say those
words that can make or break.

Her response was simple.
Tell him when it feels
right.
But what if right for me
is different for him?

I'm reading this book
about people in love with the
wrong people.
Love and happiness build and
build until everything falls.

It's all smoke and mirrors,
but mirrors cannot tell
lies.
I know as I read I'm steadily
giving myself away.

I'm going to tell him,
in a moment that feels, and is,
deserving.
And I decided I'm not afraid
if I'm alone.

But I hope to gain
something that battles mythical
fairy tales.
And to hear those words,
ah, that would be magic.

Glee shirt

Glee had an episode tonight about embracing the way you were born, even the things you don't love. They wore shirts that said their worst traits, and they learned to appreciate them or accept them in some cases.

What would my shirt say? I don't know.

Physically? I immediately think of my chest, and how I wish it was more like the girls you see in magazines. I can't really change that with diet and exercise. I think of my skin... I wish it was clear. But that's a teenage hormonal imbalance.

Mentally? Depressed at times. Insomniac. Panic disorder. Maybe a little manic in moments. But these don't haunt me as much anymore.

I think... "VAIN." That's sad.

I decided

Just now. It became clear. Vivid. Open. Beautiful.

I love this.

I refuse

to be a part of this culture that demeans love.

Games, lack of communication, what is this bullshit? What about just genuinely always looking out for another other than just being so fascinated with how they make you feel? What about getting to know someone without putting up any sort of flirtatious front? What about the natural order or things?

It's just so annoying. This... what does that text mean? Or... I'm mad at them because they haven't been paying enough attention to me. Why? Can't you just be grateful and happy to have the chance to even have that person in your life? Can't you just be willing to treat them with the utmost love and respect with expectation to be treated the same?

Everyone is so god damn selfish when it comes to "love." I fear that it no longer possesses depth. I fear it no longer means anything of value.

Exhibit A:
5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN
(1) FINE - this is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.
(2) NOTHING - means SOMETHING & u need to be WORRIED.
(3) GO AHEAD - this is a dare, not permission, do NOT do it.
(4) WHATEVER - is a woman's way of saying SCREW YOU.
(5) THAT'S OK - she is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.

Gross.

Exhibit B:
DEAR MEN: Is it Genetically encoded in you to lie, decieve, and just generally disappoint?

Nasty.

Exhibit C:
I'm giving up love for lent.

Seriously?


I guess I'll just never understand. I was like this when I was fifteen. Fifteen and thought I knew everything. Fifteen and blind. Fifteen and clueless.

A few things to address

I have always been jealous of your closeness. No one else seems to come any closer. I always wanted that. I always wanted a friend like that.
But I do have that best girl friend, my sister.
And my best guy friend, my brother.
And I give myself to love more than most.

I have no reason to be jealous. I have that closeness of friendship. Although blood ties, I think that only makes it stronger, not less valid.
And you don't have that closeness in love. You can't have it when you have secrets and lies. You can think you have it. Thinking about possessing it and actually possessing it are very different.

**************************************

I would never draw you a picture
of my mind's fantasies
Though some entertain and others protect
none are real

I would never lead you to believe
in my silly stories
Though some seem vibrant and loving
they're all lies

I give you my heart and I give you the truth
You deserve that kind of love
You deserve everything

Blog

I'm still awake at 3:50 am, and the only thing on my mind is all that fantastical nonsense. Okay, so maybe I don't feel it's nonsense. I think I feel it's magical. I think I feel it's powerful. I think I feel it's everything. I think, above all else, the force I believe in is love.

But at the moment, I can't place feelings to words. I'm trying to keep level-headed. I'm trying to do things by the book. But what book? Doesn't every romance have their own fairytale, complete with illustrations (I really asked that...)?

I'm rather certain what I feel is true. I'm rather certain what I feel is beautiful. I'm not certain, however, how you would feel about how I feel.

To You

The moon beams bright tonight,
and I can't sleep because I'm scared I might
get lost in dreams

And sometimes I dream you're here,
and I wake up alone, filled with fear
that you don't exist

***********************

To you

I think I feel your heart
It steadily beats beside mine
Resting in my chest
Singing to me the sounds of your love

I think I feel your heart
It races quickly with mine
Pounding in my chest
Screaming to me the thrills of your love

I think I feel your heart
It belongs to mine
Forever in my chest
Pulsing your love through my veins

***********************

Speak

To you
Who brought me to life with a single breath
Whose kiss I'll always remember but completely lost
Who killed me

To you
Who brought me to life with a single touch
Whose kiss I'll always miss but completely regret
Who killed me

To you
Who brought me to life with a single look
Whose kiss I'll always feel but completely left
Who killed me

To you
Who brought me to life with a single word
Whose kiss I'll always dream of but completely missed
Who killed me

To you all
Who brought me to life and meant everything
Whose love no longer matters but completely did
Who murdered my heart
Who kept it beating
Who cut me to pieces
Who stopped the bleeding
Whose kiss stopped time but kept on repeating

To you all
Who brought me new life with our single romance
Thank you

I slept so well, I think I've died and gone to Heaven.
I'd say about 12 hours straight.

Oh my word, it was much needed.

And last night, ah, such a good night. And yesterday, ah, such a good day.


But why did I do it? I don't think I know.

Get over yourself

If you know best, why are you so confused? If you know all the answers, why do you ask questions? Think about what you're saying. What you're doing.

Don't show vulnerability then immediately set up a series of strong defense. That won't get you anywhere. Anything.

You're clueless, you know it, but you're too afraid to show it.

It makes me nervous to say so.

A perfect weekend. I wouldn't change a moment.

My heart was working overtime. At night it was racing and racing as I felt more and more. I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. I don't want to mess this up in any way. It's incredible. I'm afraid truly reducing what I feel to words could ruin it. Honestly, I don't really know what I feel. Not exactly. But I'm so excited to find out.

I think this is how my life was always supposed to be, and these people I've become so close have always been my best friends. It's like everything was always leading here, and now it's finally time. Now all the stars finally align.

I know, that's silly. I'm existential, I shouldn't be talking this way. Life is inherently meaningless, no events are "supposed" to happen. There is no reason.

But this is beautiful. Magical, even. I refuse to call it mere coincidence.

Tell her the

TRUTH! -Genie of the lamp.
Aladdin learned his lesson, lies catch up with you. Lying may seem to be the right way to get you what you want, but in the end, it ruins your chances.

Sure, there are a lot of times when people lie and never get caught. Say, with cheating. Even if they never get caught, if they aren't honest with their significant other about what happened then they have a relationship based on (pardon my french) jack shit. Relationships have a constant exchange of trust. Lying breaks that trust. People SHOULD care that holding back that information does in fact make your relationship mean a hell of a lot less. But they don't. Some people can have repeated affairs and not feel an ounce of guilt.

And why do they have these repeated affairs? Well... their relationship can't be too strong if they are seeking attention elsewhere. Some would argue it's a biological want to be with as many people as you can if you're a guy, to repopulate. Women don't have that luxury excuse since they don't have time to fuck everything fuckable when they have to have babies.

Maybe I'm traditional. Maybe I'm full of fantasy. But I believe that you shouldn't lie and you shouldn't cheat. Have I done it before? Yes. I gave into the moment. However I did immediately end my relationship the next day because I knew that if I cheat, I'm not being fulfilled in the relationship. Sure, people can cheat and be honest about it and forgive and forget. They can grow stronger. I personally can't move past that disrespect, and I feel awful I did that to people I cared about in the past.

But honestly, if you love someone... Truly love them, have their best interests at heart... You don't do them that kind of disrespect. You don't act selfish at their expense. You don't cheat.

I look at the past circumstances where I cheated. We both didn't respect each other, and so... we didn't really love each other. We pretended we did. What was that worth?





Nothing.

4 Hour Skype

I don't even know how to express how happy I've been lately.
Today my sister had me attend this introduction meeting to this self-help education, and I swear I felt like I was the happiest and most self-sufficient person there.
I'm excited about this direction my life has taken. I love where I'm at, I love the people around me, and I love not knowing what will happen next.

Also, my longest skype session to date occurred this evening. It's funny how something like that can be beyond wonderful.

:D

They're just feelings right?

They change. All the time and often.

Can't stop feeling them though, even when you want to.

But it's just me, and I don't matter nearly as much as I would like to.
Honestly, none of us matter nearly as much as we would like to.

So, where do you go from there?
Once you accept that you're not special, and that people never change, and that bonds will inevitably break because everyone is so in love with themselves.



Here's where I get creative, because all I can do is pretend.

I Tried

When someone asks you to save them, and you love them, you try to.
And then fight against it, because it's hard to be saved.
But how long do you keep trying? They burn you. And all you do is love them, listen to what they say, and try to help the best you can.

But it's easier to pretend your problems don't exist and act like you never asked for saving in the first place.

I'm done trying. And you don't stand a chance.

"In The Space"

With all these changes I'm making,
there is one piece of my heart breaking.

I trust myself here
In this body
Where I know who I am
And this soul
Where I know what I can be

And with every decision that's right for me,
there are endless possibilities.

I trust myself here
In this body
Where I know who I am
And this soul
Where I know what I can be

All I can do is provide love and light,
for all broken ties to mend shiny and bright.

I trust myself here
In this body
Where I know who I am
And this soul
Where I know what I can be

And I know I have to hurt some that I love,
but I hope they understand our journey's not done.

New New

I've forgotten that fantasy, and I'm free to experience something completely new.
It's been comfortable and easy and wonderful and I can't stop smiling.

mrow mrow mrow :)

New

This is different.

He's wonderful. Spending time with him is like a dream really, I lose all concept of time and become attuned to his every touch. With him, it's easy. Not one note clashes. The refrain is simple. Every moment soothing, pretty.

And he's a surprise. I wasn't expecting to feel this way but he makes me smile and feel some wonderful force pulse through me.

And he's real. He's there. He's not making excuses. He's not distant in heart.



But my heart is confused because of the fantasy I dream of.

*Smile
Dance, laughter, dance
Eyes light
Love all around
Dream
Sing, whisper, sing
Heart feels
Love all around*

Meow.

Lately my dreams have been hard to escape,
every demon is chasing me but I have no where to run.



Be My Escape - Relient K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

Love With Revenge.

I cocked my gun
and blew out her brains
Kissed scarlet
and fucked the remains
Light hit the sky
and reflected in rain
A glint in her eye
made me afraid

She was alive
with barely a pulse
I shot at the heart
with love always false
I drank her in
with sudden impulse
Her blood like flames
I choked while she convulsed

There was a scream
and I became bewitched
Amused by her livelihood
and I sighed at her twitch
With every shot I fired
and every change in pitch
Her scream continued
to ring while her soul enriched

Her hand felt cold
as it pricked at my skin
And her fingers tightened
as my life line grew thin
Her irises were dark
as her pupils sparked within
I swear I heard someone laugh
at her revenge against my sin

The End

I finished the book.

And I finished a part of myself.

It's the end of me. Well, in a way. I'm offing myself... the part of myself that wanted to off myself. That's crazy, huh?

But why would I want to end this? All you have to do is remember that in every situation, though it may not seem like it, you have a blank canvas to work with. I can paint the picture how I see it, how I want it to be. I have so much.

I'm just excited I finally realize it.

Waking Up

I'm awake with one of my favorite pastimes: Opening a book of fresh pages late at night (I began around 2 am) and becoming too enthralled by the story to cease and rest.

I decided a short break was needed when emotion became too much for me. I've realized now I don't let myself access my emotions like I used to just a few months ago. I don't cry easily. The other night I gave in and sobbed briefly, but I didn't dare continue. I wasn't alone, and I couldn't let someone see that part of me. That weakness. I didn't dare let it become real.

I have a strong headache. Probably from the lack of sleep. However, my head is clear. I've been reading about these people who all tried to die, but with this second chance none of them seem compelled to do it again. But at this point in the story, still all of them are stuck. There are slow progressions, but not enough to really live. I strongly relate to one of the characters, the way she coaxes through her manic depressive states and finds relief in sharp objects. I'm not manic depressive by any means, but her talk of dwelling in certain mindsets sounds familiar. The cutting, I of course relate to. Funny how stupid it sounds from another perspective. I haven't done anything like that in a long time. When I act, I sometimes miss it. Probably because it's one of the more powerful and emotionally evoking things I have done and felt. Yet I'm finding that this positive side of me... this open, carefree, loving side of me, is more powerful than I ever was in my darkness.

You see, I made myself damaged. I drowned in it. I loved the attention, yearned to do more self hatred and self injury when I didn't get enough of it. But now, I get attention for being me, rather than for hating me. It's a lovely change. In this state of mind, I find endless possibilities. The sad thing is... love is the emotion that brings me back there. This night, not too long ago, I was in the midst of it once again. It's a scary thing. And although I am not in love with the one who surrounded me with it again, suffocated me with it again... I still went back to the place. That place where my best isn't good enough. That place where every phrase dies with the moment's end. That place where it's hard to believe.

And just now, something within me clicked. I now understand the responses I get when I say I love you and let my feelings expel into endless creations of affection. I understand how hard it is to accept someone's feelings when you've been burned in the past. But I look at those who've hurt me. Yes, they broke me. No.. they didn't. I let myself believe that and then it felt true. I created that reality. They hurt me, but only I have the power to break myself. They just left memories. Memories that I could do anything with. Memories I chose to let run and ruin me. But there's always a chance to turn everything around. Exploring this feeling of mine, this place I go to when someone actually wants to be with me, I'm discovering that it's almost disappeared. I can't wait for the day it's gone. And I have hope it will be.

I feel that my life is full of possibilities, and the only thing that has ever been in my way is myself.

I tried to kill myself at age 16. I'm like the people in the book I'm reading, only I didn't get the luxury of going to rehab. Yes... I'm calling it a luxury. And anyone reading this blog post cannot begrudge me for that statement. Instead, I've been living my life as it was. I lived stagnant for so long, but now I let the waves develop and crash. I like this person, the one who has finally made something of the second chance she's been given.

And here I am, smiling because I just now realized: I have always been this person.

Confused? Why yes, yes I am.

This night. It was wonderful. I laughed, I cried, I lived. It was so much fun, maybe the most fun I've had in forever. It was beautiful. The way the moonlight shone provided just a hint of fairytale and I felt wave after wave of happiness rush through me.

It was love. It was real. It was everything I needed to feel right now.

Why wouldn't it work?

Does he really want me to answer this? Yeah... By his stare with a hint of hope that I won't have a good response, I can tell this is not just a rhetorical question. Well, how do I begin?

I know my answer well, but it's a little ridiculous. Does it matter? Unfortunately, it does.

Life is complicated.

I'd like to stay single for a while.

Honesty is the best policy, right?

I'm in trouble.

I haven't written in a while

I've been rather busy. I've been reflecting on myself a lot.

I've gotten ballsy. I've gotten more confident. In acting class I feel the most comfortable. It seems like something I could maybe even pursue. I don't know, that's another unrealistic dream to chase after... I'll keep adding to the list. But outside of that, I've gotten better at being social. No, I don't have more friends. But I certainly have more ways to entertain myself.

I'm still in love. I still wish I could do something about it.

I think that I'm the only thing holding me back from moving to California. I don't know what exactly it is, but there's something in the way. I need to figure it out. Soon.

I don't have anything creative to post. I don't know why I haven't been able to write. I've been more inspired to sing and act than to put pen to paper/fingers to keyboard.

...I'm not exactly sure what's gotten into me.

Dear World

I don't have time for your idiots. Please remove them.

Warm Regards,

Brittany Bavery

PS: I'd like to deviate from this "plan" you have for me.

To be or not to be

My throat is so swollen I can hardly speak.
I don't see why I deserve this.
Usually it's karma. You lie. You get a sore throat.
But I feel like I'm one of the few people actually being honest these days.

I can't trust anyone.

I don't feel like I'm being treated properly, by a lot of people. I don't feel like I'm actually taken seriously. Honestly, the only people I feel really respect me are Megan and Leland. That's strange because before Megan and I fought... but you know, we don't lie to each other. And after we had that huge fight this year after being friends for years with no fights at all, we're now great. We're always upfront and understand each other completely and have no judgment against the other. And Leland, I never thought he really viewed me as a great friend or someone who had anything important to say until this year. Living with Leland has been one of the best things for me. He really cares, and he is someone who would never play any kind of game or speak any kind of bullshit.

So I can trust them.

As for the rest, I feel a bit burned.


I just want the truth.

I'm awkward.

I believe I lost my inhibitions from moving around, heart breaks, experiences with intoxication, performing dances and songs, and most of all, from the crowd of friends I had the last year.

I forget that not everyone is like this. I forget that some people might find me difficult to relate to or connect with or understand. I forget that some people might think I'm weird, come on too strong, or act too impulsively.

Maybe that's why I have an audition with a ridiculous reality show this weekend.

Dream.

Wrote this for a book in the summer. Don't know how I feel about it.

I awoke on a rough ground, sprinkled with metallic sediments and red plants that resembled some type of fruit. I stretched out my arms and brushed my fingers through my tangled black hair. It was slightly longer than I remembered it being, by a few inches maybe. I yawned and breathed in an unfamiliar air. This isn't where I had fallen asleep, yet I wasn't alarmed to wake up here. There was nothing to be afraid of.
Above me were purple star lights, only they were closer and brighter than before, and shaped like sharp diamonds rather than circles. I wasn't sure if they were beautiful. I felt a drop on my head, I spun and danced expecting rain to fall. There were no clouds, there was no sun, there wasn't even a sky. Just the star lights.
A trail appeared in front of my feet, and I wandered down the path. Every step I took was illuminated with music. I played distinct melodies and harmonized with the tips of my toes. An electric frenzy of sound gathered and collided all around me. The path was thinning. A green flash up ahead caught my attention. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew I had to get there soon. I ran trying my best to keep my balance, as the ground had vanished except for the trail below me, getting thinner and thinner every inch forward.
"Brittany," a calm voice whistled. I kept running. I needed to be faster.
"Brittany," the same voice repeated, wanting to capture me. I wouldn't succumb. I needed to keep going, I didn't want to waste the moment.
"Brittany!" the yell sent shivers through my spine forcing me into paralysis. I was standing on the edge of the path, trying not to fall into the nothingness before me. I slowly turned my head, looking for the source of the voice.
And then I fell. I fell down into spiraling doom with nothing to catch me, but fantasy. I saw myself landing in a field of daffodils, feeling light on my skin and love in my heart. Before I knew it, there I was.
"How is this possible?" I wondered aloud. Just then I heard thunder approaching. Loud, cracking thunder. I searched but I saw no storm brewing from any direction.
THOOM!(yes, thoom) Stumbled in front of me was a creature that resembled a black panther but five times the size, and it had magnificent wings coated in an iridescent sheen. It had pure white eyes and soft teeth. Upon it's back was a boy, only he was facing the other way, forbidding me to get a good look at him.
The boy climbed down off of the gigantic animal and walked around to face me. Only, when the boy approached me he was still facing the other way.
"Let me see your face," I demanded.
"Do not worry, Brittany," the boy said once again. Why would I... or should I be worried? I felt his stare on my face, but how could that be? He wasn't looking at me. Yet his eyes saw me, not just my physical presence but everything that I am. I closed my eyes, hoping that might shut him out.
By closing my eyes, I was able to see. I saw memories, year by year, day by day, second by second. All the experiences of this boy flashed before me, a movie premiere within my mind. All of them were so brief I couldn't fully comprehend a one. I believe I saw his father, who is no longer alive. I couldn't quite grasp how he died. I saw the boy learn how to fight, but I didn't know what he was fighting. I saw a girl, she appeared quite often. Her bright green eyes and shiny golden hair stood out tremendously. I couldn't tell what their relationship to each other had been. Last, I began to see something smoking, something arising out of flames...
"Brittany!" my eyes were forced open by the sound of the boy's yell.
"I... I'm..." I thought to apologize, but I didn't feel I had actually done anything wrong. "What just happened?"
"It's this place. Here, there are no secrets. Everything is shared. Every voice, every thought, every dream, can be any ones. It's not safe here. You need to go back." His ambiguity bothered me. I hated taking guesses at what people meant, and I hated being told what to do.
"What if I don't want to go back?" I tested.
"Do not worry, Brittany," he soothed.
"Why are you repeating that?"
"As long as there is a reason to say it, I will. You have to go back. You can't be here." I thought about his words.
"How do you know my name?" I asked.
"You really don't remember, do you? This always happens. I want to try something different this time, maybe... maybe then you'll remember never to come back."
He ran away from me. I knew I was supposed to chase him, but I didn't like the idea. I held back, I wasn't the type of girl who's going to run after a boy even if he did seem intriguing. I looked down and realized I was after him. I wanted to kick myself for doing it, but it seemed something else was in control of my body. I tried to clench my knuckles but I couldn't make myself do it. For the first time since waking up here, I was afraid.
My heart was beating steadily, though I felt the current of adrenaline pull me onwards. I felt as if I was being chased, rather than chasing the boy. Emotions, logic, and sense all seemed to be in a power struggle.
Stopped. We stopped running. We stopped breathing. A single inhalation of air would destroy this feeling. I silently closed my eyes and felt the boy's connection to me, a pang hitting my chest while romantic intoxication clouded my brain. He began to turn around.
I saw him. His face. He had been hiding it so long but when I looked at him I remembered it all. I remembered all the times I had met him here. He was my all, my everything. I revisited memories of pressing my lips against his, meeting as one.

But he was trapped here. And I needed to save him.

Actual Reality.

Wrote this for a book over the summer. Not sure how I feel about it. Viagra line is hilariousssssssly bad. Named the main girl Blake but... I mean obviously every main character I use is basically me just prettier and more badass.

She then moves her attention to the car window.

It fascinates her. Watching new worlds come and disappear over and over again before her eyes, all set in a hazy lens as the pane is covered with fog. It would storm later tonight, Blake could sense it, not that it is some sort of super power. The low orange glow of sun was casting a sepia color tone on the earth. The air had grown humid and still, causing her long black hair to gently curl at the ends. Blake watched the gray clouds forming overhead as she tried to tug her curls straight. Temporarily, this is a distraction from actual life.

Too quickly and too slowly she is home. Within seconds she is in the house, in her dark bedroom, her lap top beside her playing classic rock and an old notebook is clutched tightly in her hand. Across from her is a large mirror, where she studies. She studies the asymmetry of her face, the small bumps and crevices on her skin, the black clogged pores on the tip of her imbalanced nose, and the crooked part in her hair. To everyone else, Blake was a beautiful girl. She was short and petite, but she wasn't an obvious pretty, either. Her smile stayed with you, though her teeth weren't perfectly white or perfectly straight. Her skin was fair without seeming pale even against her black hair. Her eyebrows were thick but didn't dominate her large, deep blue eyes. Her eyes were striking and questioning, but painted with makeup. In her own world, she was plain. Not even close to slightly above average. Blake's disappoint in her mediocrity consumes her.

She opens up the notebook she had in her hand and begins writing the inscription on her heart. All those words so haunting and clouding her brain are released. Her insecurities, fears, and confusions. Words keep raining on the pages as it starts to pour on the road outside. She pauses to scratch ferociously at the freakishly huge mosquito bites on her right shoulder, the same one that contains a tattoo of a black crescent moon. She then continues to keep writing these beautiful lyrics of her soul, knowing that she has clarity and a sight for that which is typically unseen.

Suddenly, it hit her. She was writing down the fourth confession of her teenage broken dreams and realized it. You could see her shake off the first warning, casting it aside like spam mail from Viagra companies. But it kept coming. She didn't want to hear it, she tried to tune out her inner voice. No one wants to feel inadequate to themselves. No one wants to validation that their greatest fear is all too real. Blake shuts the notebook and stares at the cover. She had drawn an elementary taught "v-tree" and misshapen stars on it, making known to the world this notebook belonged to only her. Blake couldn't fathom the truth.

Writing is nothing. It's her favorite thing to do and it's nothing. It's her center of gravity and it's nothing. Why is this happening? Why is she being told this? Blake throws her notebook onto the ground beside her and cradles her head in her hands. This is a pretty inconvenient truth.

She's not sure what to do next.

"words like stones" this is actually from a different blog of mine.

Words like stones,
but they are my own
Afraid for them to leave my lips
And hit my friends, my loves,
or worse yet, miss
And become lost in ruins.

Words, like stones,
can be a bit rough around the edges
but sparkle in the right light,
or dim within cracks and wedged
between broken hopes and songs.

Words like, stones,
are hard to swallow,
can leave you feeling alone,
can leave you feeling hallow.
yet in times of great sadness
they can remind you that no one is ever alone.

At this very moment

in all space in time, I have realized what, or rather who, is important to me. All it took was a peculiar series of events, and I have found out who really matters. I know exactly what my heart is feeling.

The only trouble is, my feelings are at all logical. I want to be closer to people I don't really know. I want to be closer to people I almost have no chance at getting close to. But they matter. I want distance from a lot of those trying to push down any walls I build to keep a barrier between us.

I can't figure out exactly what to do. But this is one of those times when life is an adventure, and I just need to follow along, accepting everything thrown my way, and making decisions when different opportunities are presented. You know.. like the goosebumps choose your own adventure novels. I was always so mad at them because sometimes they didn't have a choice that I wanted to make, or sometimes the outcomes would be lame so then I'd go back and change my path. I'd reread and reread, yet I never felt I truly got to choose my own adventure. But you can't do that with life. You can't go back and choose a new adventure. You're given one big one, that can be divided into a series of little ones. No matter how many fresh starts, you never truly go back to the beginning. Sometimes what we want to do is not an option. Sometimes, the outcomes suck. But this is reality, and in reality we can't turn the pages back.


Our adventure, our fate, our destiny... isn't completely in our hands.
It's difficult for me to accept that.

Update.

I feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong?
I don't know. I express my feelings all the time. I try to make sure everyone important in my life is feeling okay. So... why all the emotional unrest? What exactly am I not doing that needs to be done?

And I just want them all smiling and happy and feeling satisfied with the way I interact with them.

Also... I wish I even knew what was going on with people. Honesty is so refreshing. And I would hope that people would be willing to let me in when they admit they care so much for me. It seems like that should happen. But yet... here I am, left waiting in the dark.

I'm sick of the shadows.

*******************************************************

I'm pretty happy with myself. I'm happy with the way life is starting to go. I'm happy with the decisions I've made. I can only trust that everything will work out as it should.

Vague.

I don't think a lot of my feelings are reciprocated in any situation. It's rather frustrating.

Maybe I should ignore all my feelings because they are a bit irrational. Maybe I'll be less confused that way.

I'm hoping.

He Wasn't

Loves burned my brain and every time it's the same, over and over again trying to feel some love within. And deeper I fall, closer I come to finding a reason for it all. But time after time when I think he's mine I find there's another idea on his mind. But I want to keep stepping outside my door even if it doesn't evolve to anything more. I don't care if he wasn't good and he wasn't right, I care that I didn't put up a fight for something to hold on to each night.

My emotions are getting frustrating. I feel so great, but it's not exactly real. It's this fantasy I've created in which anything is possible. Wake up.

Dirty Little Secret

Let me be honest, I'm a great liar.
I am extremely honest almost all the time, yet I am a phenomenal liar.
And I lie about what matters, that's the tragic thing.
I've become so attuned to putting up a front, it doesn't even feel like a lie anymore. It's starting to feel like I actually am what I say. But my heart knows I'm not. And the people who know my heart, would know that I'm not. I'm not exactly sure who those people are. I think I could name a couple.

Feelings don't make sense.
But I'm afraid of the apathetic. I was like that once, probably an influence from the ex love of my life. And the reason we failed? Well, he stopped caring. That was exactly it.
People who don't care scare me.
But me, I care foolishly or not at all.
What's the logic in that?

"I can make people think that I'm normal, that I'm coping, that I'm okay. But I've never been okay."

You'll never understand
because you don't scratch your skin when you look in the mirror
and daydream about some car out the window running you over
You'll never understand
because you don't feel the urge to scream every waking moment
and fear the falsity of love your dreams present
You'll never understand
because you don't have to bleed for the world to make sense
and feel undeserving of even the slightest happiness.

^ That side of me.. that dark, suicidal, insane part of me... Doesn't surface that often anymore. However, when it does, it's bad. It's the worst it's ever been. Every time I get closer and closer. Right now I'm fine. Right now I'm alive. Right now I'm even happy.

Or maybe I'm lying to myself. Maybe I'm never okay. Maybe I've forced myself into delusion to keep from hurting others. Let me be honest, I'm a great liar. And the best liars are the ones that can convince themselves to believe.

I already know

I know it's the same feeling, but I'm still hoping. I know you don't have that certainty, but I'm still hoping.

But I felt inspired. So I wrote.

Love ablaze
Casts a spell on tortured souls
And ripped hearts dying to be sewn
We shone
In the light of surreal emotion
And wounded past eased with devotion
Love explodes
Leads us down this broken road
And we find we're more damaged than we know

We've been scorched,
we tried but we were burned
The fire couldn't keep us alive
We've been thrown in flames,
and with ash we went away
The fire couldn't keep us alive

Love ablaze
Casts a spell to torture souls
And rip hearts apart to make us alone
We froze
In a sunless glow of empty devotion
And we pleaded to believe our emotions
Love implodes
Leads us to self hatred and demise
And we find we're slowly dying inside

We've been scorched,
we tried but we were burned
The fire couldn't keep us alive
We've been thrown in flames,
and with ash we went away
The fire couldn't keep us alive

sentimental thread.

Heart beats, bleeds
Thoughts speak, feed
There's you and me
And I need to feel you feel my want.
And we'll make it through all these days,
Oh my love, we're on our way.

Hold my hand, take my heart,
Look, a shooting star.
Swim by land, walk on sea
See, it's who we are.


******************************************************

I don't need you to take the pain away
But you make me better each day
I don't need you to make me feel this way
But you make love better each day


******************************************************

I'd love to write a thousand melodies
singing why I want you and me
But I'm not that talented or musical
and my words aren't that beautiful
I'd love to make you feel everything
so much I pluck your heart strings
But that sounds kind of creepy and kind of weird
and I'm not scary just sincere

Please fall in love
and dream of me
And when you wake,
think of me
Please fall in love
and sing of me
And when you talk,
speak of me
Please fall in love
and stay with me
And if you go,
leave with me
Please fall in love.

Glitter. Shine. Sparkle.

City stars
twinkling but dwindling,
stolen by the dreamers, wishing they could be who they are

Flashing lights
blinding but finding,
shining on the believers, hiding in the dark of the night

We are the stories lost and forgotten
Written on fallen stone
We cannot step aside and wait for a sunrise

Hey you, stars and angels and what not..

I never want what's easy. Maybe just because I like a challenge? Maybe because something you have to work for seems more valuable? Or maybe it's just because the greatest path I can follow in my life cannot be just handed to me?

What I long for right now is a life that is so difficult to obtain. It's getting more frustrating, yet more satisfying every passing day. I feel closer and closer to my desires yet I feel angry that I'm not where I want to be.

Soon. Please, let it be soon. I'm kind of begging here, Universe. If you could help out with this one, it'd be greatly appreciated. I'm speaking to the Stars I depend on, the Angels I turn to, and the fates that I don't necessarily believe in. I need this. And I'm not the only one who does. Please.

Hi.

Right now I'm looking at the stars.
All my life, stars have been special.
They've always been the only thing to make sense.
Right now, I take comfort in knowing that these stars that are here for me, are also there for you.



I know this is a little crazy,
and other people won't get it...

But that doesn't matter to me, because we have the same sky.

BB Gun.

Faster, lover, take me farther
Let me taste the sky
And shine amongst the stars, burned
But bright tonight

Kiss me, fill me, bring me to life
Let me drink the blood
And live amongst the people, seen
But lot inside

Seek my wounded heart's lyric
And touch me, give me all you have
My breath is yours, pulse matched with spirit
I feel you love me and forever we'll dream

I'm starting to feel the fear

That my current actions are going to come back to bite me in the ass. It's not that I'm making "poor" decisions, but rather I'm making "risky" decisions.

Whenever I get invested in something, I get pretty damn devoted... I like to make sure I'm the best at whatever I'm trying to do. I like to make sure I have no threats. Not really realistic... I get that.

I'm afraid of people being dishonest with me. I'm afraid of being too trusting.

But I have faith that things should be okay...
I'm just a little. scared.

Really?

I thought what we had was beyond attention-seeking facebook status complaints, but apparently not. You know, it's what it is. I made a decision, and I have to take whatever follows that. But I just think it's a little like something I did when I was 15.

So I went to my brother's basketball game on his birthday (they crushed the other team), and whoever is the cardinal mascot, decided to mess with me and Jessamyn. At first he thought we were from the other school and I told him that my dad is the Middleton coach and my brother plays, and he proceeded to tell me that my dad is an awful coach and asks me about where I go to school. When I told him, he responded with an "Oh shit" and then said that I look like a high school freshman just to piss me off. I told him that he should probably walk away then, and he did and then told his buddy mascot about the sitauation, pointing directly at Jess and I.

I mean... REALLY? Why? What's the point? What's the gain? I don't get it.

I feel sufficiently awkward

by having to read about my private situations being brought up on facebook. Well no, I don't mean I have to read it.. but I mean that it's there. For someone who wanted to keep their personal life so private on a social networking site, I'm more than a little confused.

So I'll post this blog about how I feel awkward. It's way more private than facebook, I only have 8 followers and not all of them really follow. I've gotten slightly over 2000 views since last May when I began this.


I have a ridiculous Wisconsin accent that must go away.

Love is never false.

I think there's less than a handful of people right now who are happy with me. That's okay. I'm learning I can deal because I'm bettering myself, my life. If they don't want me to be happy, then they don't need to be a part of my life. Easy. Well, no, not really all that simple... It is definitely that stab and twist feeling, but alas, that's how life goes.

Yesterday in Shakespeare discussion we had the best argument... Whether or not Romeo and Juliet's love was based upon appearance and lust and never amounted to anything beyond superficial, or if their love transcended through the superficiality into something true.

I was appointed the side that they were in love.

Some of the pieces of evidence from the opposing side:
Romeo just before was "in love" with someone else.
Their love was quick.
He often spoke of Juliet's beauty.
Benvolio mocks Romeo for falling for beauty.
Mercutio calls Romeo a lover, like he falls in love with love.
They are so young, especially Juliet.
Romeo makes a sexual remark to Mercutio about Juliet, making her seem less meaningful.

Evidence from my side:
Just because their love amounted quickly does not evidently lessen their romance.
In the balcony scene, Romeo makes it clear the only satisfaction he wants is Juliet's faithful vow, not a lustful proposition.
*They wait until their wedding night to engage in sex, an ultimate task of physical interest and want for satisfaction.
*Also during the balcony scene, Juliet tells Romeo it's too quick and too rash, meaning she's thinking things through.
Romeo was out of love with Rosaline and didn't do anything, but when he was out of love with Juliet he committed suicide. Granted, Juliet had died, not broken up with him, it's still something to look at.
When Romeo is exiled, Juliet does not speak ill of him. She still loves him without being able to see him.
*The commit to each other in every way possible, faithful vow, marriage, consummation, and death.
*They show their eternal devotion through their joined suicide. Both could not live without the other.
*Love cannot be limited. Juliet says the more she has the more she gives, for both are infinite. Love doesn't need a certain amount of time or a certain age.
*Lastly, in death they are together forever without the conflict of reality, showing love expels all boundaries.

*I starred the ones that I came up with, but the rest were group members.

We had our long debate and at the beginning, everyone (but me) believed that Romeo and Juliet didn't truly love each other. At the end, a lot of people were convinced that they did, others just convinced that there's no way to really know. So many interpretations... Ah, literature.

But at the end of class as well, everyone just kind of looked around and said.. "Wow, that was amazing." We did a justice to his work by our discussion. It was remarkable the amount of textual evidence with every claim, and the amount of passion behind people's words.

But what's more tragic... two lovers' ending their lives because of the harshness of the situations around them, or two young people who thought they were in love, and ended their lives over something that never really existed in the first place?

Meow kitty frar.
I'm sure there's more I want to type.

On the topic of love, I hate it when people who've never experienced it, preach it. Kind of like how Theseus in A Midsummer Night's Dream, though he claims he's in love (dude, you won you're girl through a battle at war, not through a battle of the heart), constantly talks down to the young lover's and claims that lovers, lunatics, and poets are all the same. You know, I'm all three of those things, and I see the connections. Obviously. But love doesn't have to be reasonable to be present.

But anyways, these people question me... If you break up with someone, you can't be sad about it. If you break up with someone, you never loved them. Duh. Actually, no... that's not how it works. To quote a friend, "You can't just flip a switch and suddenly you don't care about someone." I'm sad about it. Very sad. And I'd like to claim my right to be. And I love him, so don't ever question that. Sometimes a relationship needs more than just love to work, and being selfish and wanting to depend on a relationship for everything isn't really loving someone. It's using them.

Romeo and Juliet, they were a bit obsessive, yes. But they always thought of the other first. Romeo did end up killing Tybalt but it took a lot to finally get him to do it. He made a bad move, and Juliet forgave him. They didn't just love each other, they also put each other before everything else and that is why their fate was what it was.

In modern times and true reality, it's not quite as theatrical. But sometimes you have to make choices you don't completely want to make in order to be fair. In order to follow your heart. In order to do what is best. Oh yes, it's all subjective. It's all so messy... But if you've never been in love and if you've never had your heartbroken, it's not as easy to understand.

And let me tell you, falling in love and experiencing magic, and out of love and experiencing heartbreak... it's living. It's the most fascinating part of living.

What else can I write about?

Oh, I'm kind of sick of people also saying mrow, schmer, frar, and schtuff. I don't know why it's just kind of annoying. But not a huge deal.
What I'm really sick of though, is feeling like a lot of people won't just let me live my life. I want it to be solely mine, I hate other people getting involved... which is the main reason for a lot of choices I've been making recently.

At the same time, there are moments where I want someone there to be involved and be on my side. Unfortunately, I can't really find anyone to do that. I thought I had, but situations have proven that's not the way it goes. What's lame is I would do that for them.

I feel pretty okay. It's been a crazy sort of week. But I'm ready to just move on with my life and stop beating myself up over everything.

I'm drinking Sunkist.

hummmmmmm. hum hum. hum hum.
where has the starlight gone? dark is the day.

I'm very tired and very hyper at once. I took some pm meds so I'm really out of it. But I had a lot of sugar earlier and I'm feeling pretty good after my acting class today.

Things feel a bit weird, off, and like the world has shifted. However, there isn't exactly a positive or negative associated with it... I feel like a blank slate. A fresh start.

Today in drama we did this exercise where we listed why we love someone... everyone said to me they love my style, my attitude, my eyes, and the just barely visible dark side. That boosted my spirit a bit. I began the day feeling a bit like a witch, then I felt like Lady Gaga, then I felt unique, and now I feel a bit weird in the head because of my sleepy/hyper combination.

I'm a little scared, but I think he'll be okay. I wish with all my heart he is.

Schmer.

I'm also wondering where the hell my "friends" are.
Seriously.

Rah rah ah ah ah ah

I hate it when people act like they are superior to everyone around them, and then directly claim that they are the exact opposite. It's just so obnoxious. I know I'm not guilty of it because a lot of times I don't go on about my opinion unless it's with my absolute closest friends, and with them I always feel like I'm inferior because I'm not as intelligent.

I don't know why but it just bothers me when somebody thinks so much of themselves. I think it's great to love yourself, and to think you're great, but to act like you are better than other people is when it crosses a line.

Other thoughts right now... I think life will be okay. I think things will work out. I'm trying to make decisions that will lead me to being a writer/fashionista/actress/awesome being... And I feel pretty pained in some ways, but then hopeful in others.

Oh. Another thing. I can't stand people who don't have relationship experience. Why? Because they cannot relate to what it feels like on either side of the fence when things are perfect and when things end... and then they make assumptions. Stupid assumptions. Love is complex. Love is crazy. Love is illogical. And sometimes, no matter how much love you have for someone... they aren't the one. Yes, I believe in the one. Yes, that's probably pathetic. No, I will not give up that dream.

Umang, this guy my sister is dating, is super cool. He was the one who really got me thinking today. And together he and my sister made me have a realization... I am desperately afraid of saying and doing things that hurt people, because then I decide that I'm a bad person, and being a bad person means that I'm worthless. And therefore, I constantly consider myself worthless. And I stay worthless when I do things like cut myself because I hurt people around me when I do that... and the cycle continues. I'm ready to stop all that.

And... if outside people have a problem with the way I live my life... too bad. Why? Because I'm seeing that even though people tell me certain emotions I feel and certain things I do are WRONG... doesn't mean they are. That's completely subjective. No one has that right over me... and I want to live my life for me. I want to be happy. I can't continue constantly using other people for happiness.

MEOW.

I feel like the spawn of the devil. I feel like I suck. I feel like I'm undeserving of everyone and everything.

And that's exactly my problem.

I'll be unhappy forever at this rate. Must. Start. Making. Changes.

Now to begin the hardest process of my life

After talking to Jessica and Umang for a seriously (in his Indian accent) long time, I've realized just how much I really need to start actually taking care of myself. I have been using other people to make me feel better about myself, accepting attention from anyone and everyone... and now I realize that love and attention need to come from myself before I can truly believe it from anyone else.

Kind of like Grey's Anatomy

I was trying to get Jessamyn to watch Grey's Anatomy for the longest time, because it's amazing (And I finally did and she loves it). While describing it, I called it an "emotional journey" with hand gestures to match (that were kind of hilarious in the moment).

Well my life is also an "emotional journey." Sure, it's not written as well, has less of an audience, doesn't involve drastic surgeries (not yet), or a brain surgeon named McDreamy... But it's still this intense ride that goes from one extreme to the next.

I'm trying to sort it all out. Bimpe is the most intelligent woman alive, and she's good at getting me to wake up and stop being an emo kid for at least a moment, if not longer.

And there's four other people right now who have me so confused. One in a disappointing way, one in a tragically great sort of way, one in an earth-shattering/life altering way, and the last in a very, very common way. I don't like to call people out. Most of them don't know what's going on in my head. But then again, I don't even know what's going on in my head.

I kind of wish that I wasn't as smart as I am, not that I'm impressively intelligent or anything, just I kind of wish I was some ditsy girl who never questioned anything. But then there are those moments... like one I had today... where the fact that you questioned something allowed the chance for something beautifully spectacular to happen. But then there are also those moments... like the one I had today... where the fact that you questioned something allowed the chance for you to realize that things are more damaged than they seemed.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I was wrong.
The problem isn't the words or the ways.
It's just that... it's not right.

I don't know what to do.

I woke up this morning

Feeling kind of stupid for causing myself harm because it bothered someone else. And the first thing I do when I wake up every morning is check my text messages, and every morning I have new messages that make my so happy my heart flutters while butterflies tickle my stomach.

But then I get mad at myself again because I'm not supposed to feel this way. But what can I do? I can't change my heart. And it makes me feel alive.

"I'm not coming back,
I've done something so terrible,
I'm terrified to speak, but you'd
expect that from me.
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt,
now the rain is just washing
you out of my hair, and out of
my mind. Keeping an eye on the world,
from so many thousands of feet
off the ground. I'm over you now,
I'm at home in the clouds,
and towering you over my head."

I really don't belong here.
But other people believe I do,
so what am I supposed to feel?
I suppose I can die if you need me to.


______________________________________________________________________


I just realized something!
Why I don't believe people love me...
Because if they did, how could they let me feel such agony all the time?
There's two people I can think of that I know do care.
They are always there.
And they say the things they bring me back to feeling content,
and I can't thank them enough for paying attention.
But the ones I don't believe,
they are the ones that will end in tragedy because they don't see me.
They don't listen.
Or they don't take me seriously.
And how am I supposed to be happy with getting less than I need while the world watches me bleed?
And how am I supposed to carry on with this life when I'm not living?
I'm not talking about ending my actual existence here, but I'm talking about starting over.
I need to get away and find a new place.
Leave all of this behind.
And yes, I mean all of it.
I don't understand why anyone needs me here, when the two people who I believe truly care will be with me when I'm away.
You don't understand how jagged my heart is, how much I cry and plead for you to understand.
But you'll never get me, because you're different.
You don't feel as strong as I feel. And because of that I go numb.
And then I cut my skin to make sure that I'm not void of emotion. To make sure I'm human.
If one day I shouldn't feel the pain, then I'll know that I am dead.
This is the cycle I'm living, breathing, and can't you see how much that hurts? How much that sucks?
I know what I need to do to make steps towards living the life I've dreamed, but I can't do anything.
I can't hurt people to get where I need to be.
Bittersweet. No resolution for me.

Okay Previous Post Lies.

I know I at least have one person who understands me.

I don't have anyone.

No one gives me what I need.
What's the point?
Why do I care so much about being fucking happy... I should just be okay with making other people feel happy sometimes.

Running Thin.

I hate hurting other people. And I try my best to hurt myself to avoid it. Right now, that's what I have to do. Make sacrifices. Pretend everything is a dream. Pretend I don't cry myself to sleep. Pretend I don't have fading scars covered by a layer of fresh marks. Pretend it's so easy to be happy. Pretend I don't feel the way I feel. Pretend I don't want something different. Pretend I'm someone else.

I understand that this is necessary. I understand that I have to force myself to stop thinking that I should be allowed to do what I feel. But it doesn't make it any easier to succumb to.

I wish I could be surrounded by people who demanded as much emotion in every moment as I do. I wish someone else could just tell me that it's okay to be that way, and it's okay to only want to be with other people who live like that. I don't believe in the emotion of contentment. I don't believe in fine. I want more. And if the only emotion I'm allowed to feel without desperately changing my life is sadness, then so be it. It's better than being numb. God, I hate being numb.

I'm screaming, heart beating
just to break
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe
I'm trying, giving up
all I need
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin

I'm fighting, heart racing
for true love
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe
I'm losing, giving up
the battle
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin

I'm singing, heart crying
to be me
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

So I'll toss aside the ripped page
I tore from a forgotten notebook
And instead pick up a dull blade
Rusted with my wounded memory
I'll etch these words into my skin,
Watching maroon slip across ivory
Enhancing my life line running thin

Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin

I'm dying, giving up
all I breathe
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

Please, my life line's running thin.

I Want To Kill Myself

Metaphorically speaking. I think. For now.
I'm sitting here, feeling honestly like I'm the lowest of the low. I'm some evil demon that sprang from hell to make the people she cares about most feel bad. I'm hurting them, and that's hurting me. And then when it's hurting me, I hurt them more.
This isn't fair. I just want to be able to experience my feelings without someone telling me I'm wrong. That my heart isn't beating for the right reasons.
Well if my emotions aren't right, and I make every decision based off my feelings because that's what I have to go off of... then... what is my point for living?

I live to prove people wrong. I live to show them that I'm actually made of something. Now, to be honest, this is more to prove to myself that I'm something. That I'm worthwhile. Because right now listening to my best friend cry I feel selfish partaking in inhaling and exhaling.

I need a do over. Meh, that doesn't work does it? I need a start over. I need to remake my life. I need something completely new. I need to not be this pathetic excuse for a life. And every moment I sit here typing I'm feeling worse and worse. I just want to feel a blade ripping through my skin. I've often dreamed about how it would feel to finally cut through my neck, let go of all that useless blood.

But this is what I don't want to do! This is who I don't want to be! I want to love living. I want to not be so selfish. I want to be loved and feel deserving of it. I want something incredible.

And if I can't kill the me that's already so close to dying, then I have to summon some strength and literally take my own life.

Stars.

I've always believed they possessed an ethereal quality I couldn't quite explain... and now I'm sure of it.

My feelings don't make sense. They are illogical, irresponsible, and naive... Yet the way my heart strings are currently being plucked creates the most fulfilling melody that has ever rang through my veins.

I feel like I should bow my head for feeling like something so impossible is everything. I feel like I shouldn't believe in fairy tales and ancient fables, lovesick tunes, and works of lunatics. But... this is what makes sense to me. Normal, safe, realistic, logical... it's so unappealing.

I hope I have a dream like last night's tonight.

Stunningly Amazing?

Not exactly the adverb acting like an adjective + adjective combo I would label myself... but I like hearing that I'm being referred to that way.

On February 12th I'll be in the twin cities visiting Megan. I'm pretty excited for that :) I haven't seen her in a while and we always have fun. Plus, I love the twin cities! When I went there with choir I fell in love.

On March 12th I'll be in California with my sister Jessica. I'm stoked. I've always wanted to go to California, and now I'll finally experience LA and see if it's really the place for me.

Ah, life. You do such good but at the same time.. you do such bad.

Also, I don't think I should be allowed to have an exacto knife. It's so damn tempting.

This is as quiet as it gets

She knows she'll find him here; dozens of fireflies glitter her insides while anticipation glimmers in her nervous smile. She scans the crowd, eyes darting hoping to catch the gaze of someone she loves within a mess of undeserving, unknown identities. The sun beams, sparkling the hints of copper in her irises and blinding her. In that same moment, love blinds her. She feels him hug her, hears him excitedly rambling on about how great it is to finally be this close. He pulls away and their eyes meet. The ground shakes beneath them, and she feels herself falling. She grabs the collar of his shirt and finds balance pulling him closer until their lips touch. Intoxicated in the passion of a first kiss, she loses any, and all, inhibition and control, wrapping her arms around his neck rather than letting go.

_______________________________________________________

It's pure fantasy, which is the reason I can believe in it so strongly.

This peace on Earth's not right

So.....
I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA OVER SPRING BREAK!
March 12-15.

I'm going to my sister's really good friend's wedding on a yacht in Newport, staying in Long Beach with my great uncle, and her friend actually lives in Irvine. My sister and I are going to tour the campus there because UC-Irvine is the college I want to go to :)

We wrote up a plan today for me to move there next year and work for a year, then go to school at UC-Irvine. I've never been so happy. This is so where I belong.

Also raindrop therapy was AMAZING! I feel so great. Things are coming into perspective. The only thing is... I'm not sure any of my attachments in Wisconsin are really life-long. It's feeling temporary. I know Jessamyn will totally end up wherever I am, and I'm so happy about that. She really is a girl I just always need. But I think that's it. I think... next year I'll be pretty much on my own.


But this is what I need to do to follow my life... to be happy... to accomplish what I dream of.

Give me your hand
But realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave
And carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear
Escape from this afterlife
'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on
Far away from here

Got nothing against you
And surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light
And I'd hope you might
Take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying
'Cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God
That there's somebody listening

Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
I am unbroken, I'm choking on this ecstasy
Oh Lord, I'll try so hard but You gotta let go of me
Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live

Blind love is true.

I can't focus,
my irises, blurred, burn
And sleeping?
That's not an option

I hum in the shower,
I didn't do that before
And I write constantly,
falling more and more.

I believe it's possible
to steal stars from the sky,
to never have to cry,
to want to live more than die,
and be more than just "passing by."

What I'm trying to say,
is that this is hard to do,
admitting I got lost
and fell in love with you

Just slip me on, I'll be your blanket

"Are we a thing?"
"Darling, we're everything."

I've longed to discover
Something as true as this is
When you're worn out and tired, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
When your heart has expired, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you

If you're cold and you're lonely, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
You've got one nickel only, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you

Oh lover, I'll cover you, yeah
Oh lover, I'll cover you.

__________________________________________________________

I want a zest for life like Angel.
I want a love like Angel and Collins, Mimi and Roger.
I want to not be afraid to live like Mimi.
I want to open up like Roger eventually does.
I want to realize everything that's going on like Mark.
I want to be adventurous and confident like Maureen.
I want to demand romance like Joanne.
I want to rebel against the system like Collins.
I JUST WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS SHOW!

Oh and my friend Dan just came by and he told me this new thing he does.. Shower in the dark. That sounds amazing. Totally doing that next shower.

You're on the line with the Feline of Avenue B!

So I'm sitting here watching Rent, singing along to every moment.. and completely, helplessly, hopelessly, in love. This show is amazing. This show changed my entire life.

I use to crave simplicity and what was easy until I saw this show. It made me believe more in everything that counts... loving, living every moment to it's fullest potential, and never wasting time.

I miss this show. I miss the days when I listened to it EVERY DAY. I miss the days when neighbors complained they were sick of hearing me singing "Take Me or Leave Me" at the top of my lungs.

All I want to do is sing this show right now. I want to run through it, perform it for everyone. I'll even do a one woman show... that may be tricky in a few parts (Christmas Bells for instance). But I NEED TO. My soul is begging for it.

Not written by me/Written by stupid me

And I don't even know if I should be posting it..
but the writer will remain anonymous.

It's so beautiful.. I wanted to share it here.

Two figures are sitting among the rocks. The moon glistens off the surface of the ocean, looking like drowning bright white fireflies. In the distance fog rolls in, starting to blanket the spot they seem to be looking upon. But they're looking at the stars. "Which one is your favorite?" says the boy. The girl, stunningly beautiful with a smile most men would do anything to have pointed at them, gazes up and thinks. "I like the big one, off to the side of that cluster of the other ones. Its the best because it can get by on its own." The boy slowly got up, and grasped the star in his hand. Twisting, he popped it out of the sky and brought it to earth. He then pulled a string out of his pocket, threading it through the souvenir he'd taken from the night. Reaching over to the girl he tied the iridescent orb around her neck. "Here. So even when you're lost or in a dark place you can find your way back to me."

_________________________________________________________

These words are my own. And they suck.

I feel in the absence of magic. And I don't like it.
What is with me and these awful, self-absorbed blog posts? I need to stop. I need to get a grip on everything. Yet my mind keeps churning out senseless emotion and thoughts that I want to stab. I'm turning into someone I don't want to admit I am.
The whole thing is ludicrous. It's petty and stupid, really.
But here I am... typing away nothing. That's right, nothing. Everything I'm saying has no meaning attached. I'm too busy trying to be vague enough to not clue anyone in on what is actually haunting me... and yet still trying to get a clear emotion across. It's not easy. It's not going well.
>.< Argh. That's frustration.

And you know what I want right now? I want a guitar. I want a song. I want to experience something beyond what my mind can create.
I want darkness, I want blood.
I want love, I want beauty.
I want selfishness, I want betrayal.
I want passion, I want depth.
I want poison, I want death.
I want every itch to be scratched.

And now I look down and think... I will never have these things. I will never let myself live.

Right now, I hate myself

I feel like I'm Carrie Bradshaw, in the city, feeling restless. Feeling unsatisfied. Feeling... confused.

And I hate myself for it. No, not for being like Carrie, she's great. For being unsatisfied. For wanting more. For demanding more.

This isn't me. I'm the girl who settles. Who bites her tongue and thinks, "this will go away with time... someday it'll be perfect."

But that's no way to live.

Everything is good...

So why do I feel like it's all so wrong?

Bee Yourself.

Tell her the..
TRUTH!

We live in a stupid world. Well, I think so.

The most fun people have at my age.... is when they party.
Do they realize how superficial that is? Drinking takes you to a different state of mind... one that isn't what you're given. It's fake. It fades. Being at a party surrounded by people all having fun in their altered states of mind. It's fake. It fades.

I'd rather have something to come home to than all these friends and all these drunken tales. I'd rather live in a less elevated reality than confuse those moments with what is true.

Yes, I'm judgmental. Yes, I hate that I am. But why was I given judgment if I can't be judgmental? I only hate that I have these opinions because they are different from what a lot of people I know think. Well, damn it. I'm going to stay me. I'm going to live for me. I'm not going to compromise my beliefs for anyone.

If that makes me harsh, stuck-up, or close-minded... I'm sorry. But I won't change. I don't want to change. I like myself the way I am.


On another note, I really want to be in a band. It'd be fun to be a lead singer. Schmer.

What am I missing?

Why does this always happen to me?
Probably because I'm on this quest for something unattainable...
but my thirst for perfection is never quenched.
I'm after something phenomenal.. fame, fortune, great marriage, great kids, and complete self-fulfillment.
That just isn't realistic.

Besides, I'm in college. I should slow down. Why do I want this stuff now? I'm a kid. I'm 19. I'm still a freaking teenager.

But I want it all. I want to get out of here, away from the middle of no where. I hate the midwest. I hate feeling average.

What do I do?

****************************************************************************

The world keeps turning as we burn our time away...
When the curtain calls, and the coffin falls, will there be anything to say?

Come on, touch me. Show me you're imperfect, too.

The sockets where I could once see,
give way to the emptiness of my dreams
and the abyss of thoughts slowly killing me.

The fear shows the truth can cut like a knife,
violently shredding everything inside,
and the blood leaves me without essence to breathe.

All I hear are these voices,
silently screaming, begging, pleading
Dying for more than this perpetual nothing
sealed with a kiss

You color my eyes red, your love's not alive.

Somehow life got complex in a matter of a day.

I thought I was secure in my standing with everyone... and then I had this dream.
I dreamt that I was to die for all my sins. I learned how certain people felt about me by their reactions to the news. Most were surprising, in both good and bad ways. Some didn't seem to care, some looked for sympathy rather than were actually upset about my upcoming death, and some were devastated.

This dream sparked a series of questions in my mind that has left me utterly confused.

I just want to hear that I'm worth more than I think I am. I want to find out that everything I'm worried about is wrong. I want everything to be perfect.

Yeah, that's a lot to ask for I guess.

JA:FJKS:DJFWEO:J:KSF I hate these blogs where I just post my feelings! My vague ideas about what I'm truly upset about. This is stupid! This should be a place for work. For actually decent pieces of literature rather than these ramblings.

Mrow.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This world is filled with people just like you.
Some people who hide behind their words, some afraid to move.
One day that poison you take will catch up to you.
One day you'll make a mistake and I won't fix it for you.

Boy Meets World

This is the best show ever. Yes. But I just watched an episode that made me so angry...

Cory and Topanga were stuck in a "rut"... also known as... viewers didn't respond to it the way the network wanted.

But anyway, Cory agrees to go to a dance with Shawn and someone calls him Shawn and he doesn't say anything. So he dances and flirts with all these girls and doesn't mention until Shawn has him look for this french girl that he feel uncomfortable doing this with a girlfriend.

But BEHOLD! He sees the french girl grab a guys hand to dance and she turns and it's Topanga! She was there pretending to be a french student and dancing with guys and being ogled over.

Call me old fashioned... but this is so wrong. Yeah they end up breaking up which is good... but still, they were both kind of cheating. I mean yeah they weren't making out with someone but they were actively pursuing people they find attractive to dance with at a party and be close to.. I think that's cheating. I'm sad my favorite show acted like it wasn't a big deal.

It's 7:15 am and I haven't slept yet. Schmer. I'm not even tired. All nighter? Probably going to just get up soon.

But basically I wanted to say... romance and relationships shouldn't be games. It should be serious and important. It should be a priority. It should be trusting. Why is the media *not just Boy Meets World from the 90s* promoting otherwise?

Ten Things

So I was reading cosmopolitan.. and there was this article about that new blonde guy with the big mouth from Glee on what are ten things he thinks all girls should know and understand about guys. Well, I was thoroughly dissatisfied with his list since a lot of things were stuff that applies to bimbos and not actual women... and also because he was being a sexist ass. But.. it inspired to make my own list... of ten things I think men should know and understand about SOME women, not all of them would agree... but mainly this derives from my personal feelings.

1. Just because we tell you nothing is wrong and tonight isn't the night to talk about it or any other excuse... doesn't mean you should stop prying. We want to feel like you're fighting for us and that you're completely interested and genuinely care. So we test you. We push you annoyingly far and you're supposed to still be there asking what can I do to make it better? That's how we want it to work.

2. Don't compliment another girl without complimenting us first. At prom, my date told my friend she looked great but never told me that I did. Yeah, that stings. However if it's complimenting some celebrity chick on tv, that's fine... we agree. But don't compliment some girl right in front of us without making it known that we're great, too. It makes us feel threatened, and nobody likes feeling inadequate.

3. We get that you don't have to put a "label" on things, but we want to. Why? Well why don't you want to put a label on it? Guys say oh we've got a good thing going, lets not ruin it, it's just a tag not what we have. Well if the label is so insignificant, why do you care if we use it? Schmer. This one ties into number 4.

4. Facebook official doesn't make the relationship official, but not agreeing to be recognized as a couple on a major social networking site with no valid reason gives us cause for concern. Yeah, we get that it's just facebook, but if it's not a big deal why aren't you comfortable being listed as together? Yes, we trust you. But that doesn't mean we understand why you're against it.

5. We pry into your emotions and life because we want to understand you. To us it's not asking for too much to know how you feel.. It's asking to know you and see where you are coming from when you say and do certain things.

6. We totally want sex just as bad as you do... but we like the kissing, too. And the foreplay. So why rush straight to the deed when there is other fun to be had?

7. Don't assume if we are moody that it's our "time." Seriously. This has happened to me before and I was moody because I found out he was texting another girl he loved her... Not because it was my "time." When there is a problem, you should just be direct and ask. Don't think you know everything going on in our heads.

8. We like some creativity. When it comes to gifts, we'd rather have something thoughtful than expensive. Oh and little surprises? Those are fantastic! Little gifts or displays of love make us feel special, wanted, and swept off our feet. It's nice to get back a little of what you give.

9. It's great to try and befriend our family. Just because we may hate brother Bob or our mother at the moment doesn't mean that you shouldn't say hi to them when addressed. You're a separate person, you have separate battles.

10. And finally, don't toss around the three important words that cohesively make a very important sentence. You know the one. I love you. Do not say these words without meaning them. If you don't mean them and say them, you end up hurting us. Bad.

I feel catty when I can't sleep

Also, I do realize how young I am these days. I realize how stupid I am, too. And the fact that I call myself stupid makes me seem more young and self-loathing. Ugh, it's can't win battle.

Still, I thank whatever in the hell gave me the experiences I've had. I've gone through some strange events... I've been to the moon and back in my mind. I've almost left this place. I think I learned a lot in my nineteen years of life. I've learned the kind of people to trust, yet I still put my trust in those I know will break it. I know a lot about sex, its power, its good traits, its bad traits, etc. I've witnessed the power of drugs and alcohol on people, even in very dangerous ways. I've felt, seen, heard, and smelt death. Haven't quite tasted it. I've felt heartbreak, that I'm most grateful for. I've been harassed. I've made some huge mistakes. I've torn apart lives and broken people. I've treated myself with no respect. I have had all these moments that have added up into this person who lives their life as I do.

Some people in my life haven't really experienced as much as they wish. Some people in my life haven't recognized their issues, their demons, or their faults. Then again, I'm a person who drowns in those. That's no good either.

Now there is so much I haven't experienced. Not having parents. Not having a place to sleep, though I've been through that based on choice. And because I'm planning some pretty risky moves in the future I may experience not having the financial capability to have a place to sleep. I have had a few tough financial problems because my parents prioritize their money poorly. Oh I have definitely learned NOT to get a credit card. I've also learned that spending money equates to happiness... a hard lesson to undo. I've grown up with it but I can still shake it. It's more that I don't really want to shake it, because if I do want to, I certainly would.

Shmeep. Oh these over-tired thoughts. It's 5:13 am, and I am so tired. I wish I could sleep.

My brother Derrick claims I act like I know everything and I will argue everything. That's probably true. But hey, I know that I don't know shit. I know that there are some subjects that I can say I know a bit about. I know there are some people I can say I know more about just life than them. However, I know that I don't know almost everything. I know so little it shouldn't even count. And he's right that I will argue with people, I've learned that from standing up to my parents. I never shut up and take anything. EVER. If I disagree or if I feel that someone needs to see another side, I speak. It's hard with my parents because my mom will say how bad people with tattoos are or how its so horrible not to believe in Jesus... and how do you get someone to be accepting of another view? She can think that sure but when her own daughter has tattoos and doesn't believe in Christianity, you would think she'd try to at least understand why I think and feel the way I do. She doesn't. She insults it and shuts it out. I'm afraid I'll be like her. I'm afraid I'm already her. Schmer.




I'd rather be drowning than stuck in the shallow water.