One.

One word. One stupid fucking word. One magical word. One tormenting word.
One word to stop your world as it rotates, to pause your clock as it ticks, to hold your breath as you exhale.

Tonight, the one word for me was: talentless. One single word with so much bitter poison attached to it that inside I fell the instant its sour sting pierced me. Talentless. The lack of a marked innate ability; example: the lack of an ability for artistic accomplishment. I never believed this word applied to myself, until tonight.

Tonight, I sit here at my computer, typing away my feelings, and thinking... I suck. I suck at writing, I suck at singing, dancing, drawing, feeling, thinking, breathing. I have become that petty preteen girl who feels the need to slit her wrists while she cries to an unrequited lover that the world isn't fair.

But I can't let anybody do this to me. I can't let someone take away my power. I refuse to believe that I am talentless. I have come too far. I have to tell that preteen girl that she's awesome now, that she's smarter and stronger. That nobody can tell her who she is. That she's going to make it because she has the drive. Because she has the heart when others shy away from their true feelings. Because she's not afraid, not anymore.

One word. One word can make you think, can make you smile, can make you die. There are hundreds of possible reactions to one word. Though you can't choose what is said to you, you can choose the effect it will have on you.

Time To Fly.

Time is critical. Time is all we have. Time is all we can hope for.

Time is what we plan on, what we depend on, what we live on.

But don't forget to take a moment to pause, forget that time exists.

Though you can't stop it from passing, you can remember that your life is always happening.

But if you never stop planning for what lies ahead, you'll never be living it.

Stop to smell the daisies. Find the beauty in life. Take a moment to just breathe.

Is love alive?

Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum bum

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
It rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
To carry you to me.

Is love alive?



Is love alive? Can you ask yourself that question without feeling some sort of emotion?

Love makes the world go round, all you need is love, love is just a game, love knows no boundaries, seasons of love, all is fair in love in war, love lifts us up where we belong, can you feel the love tonight, love is a battlefield, this ain't a love song, best of my love, you can't hurry love, endless love, send her my love, where is the love, I just called to say I love you, goodbye love.

There are hundreds of sung melodies about this magical force we call love. Nobody really has a clear definition as to what it is, and some say, it doesn't exist.

Is love alive? If love isn't alive, then damn it, we are alive for love. It draws you in, overcomes your soul, and your every thought begins to consist of idiotic fantasy. Love is magic, love is pure, love is just. Yet love is spiteful, love is vindictive, love is hatred. Love can be innocent and brilliant, or sinful and corrupt. Love takes all forms, the pleasant and the malevolent, and takes many, if not all, people.

Love isn't a drug. It's a sickness; a virus or a bacterial infection, sometimes it's as serious as a brain tumor.
Instead of a dependent person being called an addict, I call them a victim. The victim never feels good enough, but they believe that if their partner will do anything for them in return, they will be content. However the deeper the victim falls, the more distant their partner becomes.

Is love alive? When love is right, it seems to thrive all on it's own. You can't ignore it when it's there. You may try, you may be thousands of miles apart and logically thinking of a million plus one reasons why you shouldn't love that person, but the love between you will not end. It will not die.

Love is alive. Though our cynical sides want to believe it's just a myth, when you discover it, you realize that it's a completely separate entity from yourself. Love is alive. It's what we dream of, what we yearn for, what our emotions make sense out of even when we can't comprehend it ourselves. Love is alive. And we are who we are because we can love. Because we can feel compassion when it doesn't make sense to. Because we can feel more strongly for another person than ourselves.

We live by loving and we live to someday feel loved.

Shades of Gray.

When you first meet love, you find it in a gift-wrapped box. You're distracted by the pretty bow on the outside that glitters every time you look at it just right. But at some point, you're ready to take off that bow and pull apart the paper that keeps the present inside tightly bounded and out of sight. All the packaging has been ripped apart and cast aside, and what's left is the simple box. You pull of the lid, and in the bottom of the box, there it is. There is the present you've been awaiting, what you've been hoping for. Initial surprise and happiness overcome you as you play with your new present, show it to others and declare proudly that you must have done something amazing to deserve such a gift. You were so excited to grab the gift that you didn't notice the layers of tissue paper you scattered around the room to get to it. Ordinary paper in shades of gray.

Love comes wrapped in grays. Black and white have no room to fit, to prosper, to amount to anything other than bullshit and simplicity. Black and white covers the easy way out. It's the grays, the mixtures of these two opposite shades, that keep love thriving. But if you ignore them, if you just throw away every shade of gray, you will miss all that went into this gift. You will miss everything that made it worthwhile, and everything that continues to make it worthwhile.

Your mom throws the ripped up wrapping paper in the garbage, and saves the pretty bow for another occasion. The tissue paper is stuffed back into the original box your gift came in, and sits in your bedroom closet. After many experiences of happiness and despair with love, you decide eventually that this gift must be exchanged. It had an expiration date from the start, and though you once believed otherwise, it proved to be the same as all the other presents you have received. The box is retrieved and the gift is forced back inside, the tissue paper entangled over it.

I wonder if you never ignored the tissue paper. If you took this extra seemingly pointless packaging and paid it attention, what would've been different? The grays may seem like parts you could make do without, but who are we without our seemingly pointless packaging? Who are we without our past, our beliefs, our prayers? Black and white can never fit there, black and white aren't meant to fit there.

I prove that I am part of the whole.

What classifies right and wrong? Justice and injustice? There is no such thing as either. We made it exist. Somehow subjective thinking turned into objective rules.

Why isn't it okay to hate your life? To carry on in mindless routine grasping onto the little hope you retain that tomorrow will somehow be a brighter day? Why isn't it okay to hate someone else's life? To wish away their presence through various forms of torture hoping that they never see that brighter day? Let people throw their bleeding heart on a tray and allow it to thrive on false pretenses. Let people destroy life where they see no reason for it's existence. Let people cause extreme suffering where compassion was lost. Whether they do it to themselves or to others, let people be.

I am alone and afraid.
I wonder if it's really worth it to risk everything for someone you love.
I hear my higher consciousness, allowing me to take a step back and breathe.
I see blue skies and open fields.
I want to see beyond that.
I am alone and afraid.

I pretend that death doesn't phase me, love is easy, and no obstacle is too extreme.
I feel that I don't have enough power.
I touch the sky and it turns to gray.
I worry that it's all my fault.
I cry because I can't escape this realm of being.
I am alone and afraid.

I understand sometimes the sky is dark.
I say that night will unfold, storms with gather, and the sun will shine again.
I dream of what's beyond the clouds.
I try to see the stars.
I hope that they will welcome me.
I am alone and afraid.

I stand for the power to change.

The greatest achievement is to fully understand and know yourself.
The greatest worth is possessing quality relationships with others.
The greatest quality is empathy.
The greatest precept is to respect all human beings.
The greatest medicine is clearing the mind.
The greatest action is to follow your own beliefs, no matter what you face.
The greatest magic is love.
The greatest generosity is sacrificing personal benefits for the benefit of another.
The greatest goodness is peace.
The greatest patience is swallowing one's own pride.
The greatest efforts are understanding and compassion.
The greatest meditation is having an open mind and an open heart.
The greatest wisdom is acceptance of all events.

"The day you realize there's not enough time because you want to live forever"

Think of the biggest day of your life. Did you plan it or did this day find you?

The biggest day of my life. Honestly, I don’t think I could declare such a day. But I know that when I experienced it, I didn’t know it until I was surrounded by it. First kisses, laughs, dreams coming true, and heartbreaks... aren’t planned. They happen by chance. And whether it was fate or our own choices that led to that moment, they still caught us by surprise.

We were receiving cat calls when I realized everything would be okay as long as I had my sister. I was doing a lab on mitosis when I first fell in love. I was heartbroken when I found a diary and pen. I was playing basketball when my observable world fell apart. I was finding props for a school play when I received a kiss that turned my life upside down. I was cursing circumstances when I met my best friend. I was playing rock band when I first heard that a completely closed-off person loved me back. I was watching a ridiculous movie when I made a horrible decision. I was dancing when I discovered he meant more to me than I could possibly say.

And through a series of unexpected events, I've learned my biggest lessons, recovered from my biggest mistakes, and discovered my biggest loves. No, I can't tell you the biggest day of my life. It may have happened yesterday, it could still happen today, and it just might happen tomorrow.