A place I've been to

It was scary; uncomfortable at first, but then it all had felt so right. He was good to me, and I felt loved. To me, this day we made love was the most miraculous occurrence in my life. I was afraid I had pressured him, and he hadn’t been ready. My worries were set aside, however, for when I felt his love for me with every careful touch, all my thoughts vanished from mind.
I wish I could take back everything I felt, and everything I made him out to be. I wanted to go back and scream at myself. I was so foolish, and he captivated me so easily. The anger I felt towards myself would always be greater than the anger I felt towards him. He had held on to me so tight, kissed me with meaning, and I felt ashamed that I didn’t see through his pretenses.
And that thought seemed so absolutely hysterical to me now, that he really loved me. It had only been a few days since that day he told me the truth, and only little of my spirit remained. The man who saved me had brought me back to nothing all in one instant. I hated phone calls. I hated people. I didn’t trust anyone anymore; I didn’t believe anyone could honestly help me.
When you have no faith, no friends, no family, no motivation, life becomes a wasteland that you are forced to tread through for endless years. When your life loses its purpose, it becomes too difficult to do anything for a few minutes without thinking about how much happier you’ll be when it’s all over.
Today is okay, today I am surviving. There are days I wish I could slash my eyes out with my fingernails. There are days where I have a few brushes with happiness but then shudder away from it like it’s the plague. Happiness is so wrong to feel when nothing is right. It makes me feel guilty, and mixed up. Or like maybe I never really loved him either… that kills me the most.
But perhaps that is what it really was. He was a concept that I became hopelessly attached to during a time when nothing else in my life made sense. Maybe it wasn't the person I grew to love, rather the idea that he would always be there. Still, I can't diminish the strength of what I feel. I feel love, I feel need, I feel want, I feel desire. He's the only one who can make the world safe and ok.
Sleeplessness has overthrown my body. Awake with no external stimulation, I let my thoughts wonder to places no one would dare to go. I picture my body hanging from the rail in my closet or my broken skull bashed against the pavement, and in my imagination I become relieved. I am creating hopes that this will all be over soon.