The One.

I want to be the one.
The one girl that you just can't live without.
I want to be the girl that you brag to everyone about because you just feel so lucky to have her.
The one girl that your family and friends adore.
I want to be the one you can picture a future with.
The one girl that means everything.

Give me a chance to be her.

Book idea?

My whole life I craved magic. I read books and watched movies and sung melodies that carried the presence of mystery, paranormal, and fairy tale. I fell victim to thinking my life would never been as amazing as a wizard's, a mermaid's, or a sorceror's. I begged the universe to grant me powers, I asked a fictional God to give me clearity on my purpose.

Nothing happened.

But my dreams... my dreams are more vivid than my actual life. My dreams were powerful, exhillarting, and MAGICAL. Every night I had adventures, always in a Saga format. One feature length film at a time, all in succession. Those around me said there dreams didn't follow the same pattern. Apparently they had a random happening every time they fell asleep, nothing ever made sense.

Something happened.

It dawned on me, that perhaps my perception of what was dreaming and what was reality is flipped. That maybe someone in my "dream" life doesn't want me to know that it was all real. Somehow I was tricked into believing that this average life of mundane activity and endless, unfulfilled desires is everything.

I think I'm trapped.

Part 4: Fast forward

Turn the page. A new life, a new beginning, a seemingly new me. Here I was in a new town, trying accept that this is what I have become. I sat in the front row of my Biology class, as I did in most of my classes because alphabetical order was a torture device. I wanted to be in the back, where I wouldn't feel people staring at the back of my head. I hated attention, but I needed it. I needed to be noticed, to be important, to be special. I couldn't believe it myself, so maybe hundreds of burning eyes in one school day would be enough to give me a wake up call. One can only dream.

My teacher seemed to relate to football more than biology. We were talking about evolution, something I was hesistant to learn about. Many ideas of evolution conflict with creationism, and I wanted to stay lost in that day dream. I didn't want to question what I have been given. A few wise cracks from jocks would interrupt the teaching session, and then Mr. D, I suppose he only felt he deserved one letter of his last name uttered, would continue on a rant about football strategies. Kill me.

One boy near me was very smart. I could tell because he knew everything before Mr. D explained it. He got this look on his face that said, I know the answer, come on, CHALLENGE me. I was determined to do better than him this whole semester. I wanted to be the smartest. I was used to being the smartest. A series of small towns and small schools can do that to a person. But now, in a school with 2000 beings I didn't care to meet, I knew that it would be much more difficult to be the best.

Scribbled on a complementary popcorn bag

I gaze idly at the seconds ticking by on the digital clock before me. Almost time, I think. A few mundane tasks keep me busy as I try to ignore the incessant changes of numbers on the screen. Time. An imaginary measurement we created to make ourselves seem more permanent rather than to face our own mortality. Two minutes have passed since my last glance. What was I waiting for? My goal time of day and then what? Then nothing. The thought was so bittersweet. Still two minutes. I don't know why I only possess the ability to make this figment of my imagination go slower. I want to pick up the pace, to get to a point where something other than this nothingness is happening. Is that even possible? This job is so boring. The constant phrases of "would you like butter flavoring on that?" and "you know, for twenty-five cents more you could make that a large" seem to be coming from a source outside myself. Perhaps working a day shift is an out of body experience. But then why am I so aware of the clock? Four fucking minutes.

Thank you for the music, the songs I am singing.

Shinedown "45"

So whatever happened to the young man's heart?
It's swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart.
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life.
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed,
staring down the barrel of a 45.

Avenged Sevenfold "Fiction"

Gave you all I had to give
Found a place for me to rest my head
While I may be hard to find
Heard there's peace just on the other side

Not that I could
Or that I would
Let it burn
Under my skin
Let it burn

Left this life to set me free
Took a piece of you inside of me
All this hurt can finally fade
Promise me you’ll never feel afraid


********************************************************************************

Music shakes my soul.

Right now my heart hurts,
I don't know why.
I feel like I should cry,
but I have no tears.

Music saves my soul.

If I don't say it out loud, it won't be true.

If you don't want all of me,
every last part that makes me so difficult,
every screaming cry for help,
every high pitched giggle,
every broken dream and insecurity,
every fairytale belief and endless love,
then LET GO OF ME.

Please stop calling me in if this is just leading to an end.
I can't fathom an end, not right now.
Please stop making me lose balance and control,
if you're just going to break my heart like all the others.

I'm scared.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx don't speak.

If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave...
Because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx don't be there.

If I don't say the words out loud,
it can't be true.
If I keep pretending that you're here with me,
I'll never be alone.
If I don't give up on this nightmare,
my dream could be real.

Lover, Hey, Fuck You

I can see everything here with my third eye.

#################################################

When I was young I thought it'd be appropriate to leave
I believed running away from fears was always the key
But as I aged I found facing my evils and throwing up my defenses
Was much more respected than hiding behind my pretenses

The shadows were killing me, slashing my life
I knew that I couldn't give up, I had to fight
But they were too powerful, I couldn't hold my own
So something inside me started to accept the unknown

I granted night creatures the freedom to attack

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

My torture has been my fault
My agony was caused by me
I don't know how to handle that.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This evening I saw a star fall
I worried it was hurt
I didn't want to see it's pain

Curse those who took advantage
Wishing on a broken star
Who could possibly think that's sane?

The night felt endless
I stared at the dust in the sky
Where I saw that star

Shrieking silence filled the air
And I was so frightened
I hoped that it wouldn't be too far

I walked outside and followed
An illuminated path meant to be chosen
To help the universe find balance

As I approached I saw an abyss
I took a breath, it was now or never
I faced starry death in a trance

Falling forever, falling with purpose
I found that star along the way
And we fell together

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All the soarings of my mind begin in my blood. - Rainer Maria Rilke.

************************************************************

I want to sing.
I want the world to hear me.
I want to project my heart.
I want the world to feel me.
I want to dance.
I want the world to join me.
I want to cry.
I want the world to comfort me.
I want to scream.
I want the world to help me.
I want to fall.
I want the world to catch me.

======================================================

This year in school some of my friends were assigned to write about what they believed in. I began to question myself - What do I believe in?

I believe in love. I believe that one day you can feel empty and the next you can feel full. I believe that no matter how many times you are betrayed, you are still cared for. I believe that sometimes all it takes is one moment with one person to make a lifetime feel worth it. I believe in love. I believe we are alive for love, that without it we'd be lost. I believe emotions cause magic, and love creates miracles. I believe that the cynics try to disprove it's existence. I believe that anyone who doesn't believe in it has yet to experience it. I believe that love is a force, love is alive.

I believe in suicide. I believe one can accept the power to decide when their life ends instead of leaving it up to the universe. I believe in controlling your misery. I believe that your body is a cage and your spirit wants to break free. I believe it's okay to do that for yourself.

I believe in the unethical. I believe in murder. I believe in rape. I believe in suffering. I believe in pain. I believe in the absurdity of life. I believe that I have to accept it all or else I'd die of sadness. I believe that I hide behind these darker beliefs to prevent showing weakness. I believe it's okay to pretend you are stronger than you actually are. I believe it's okay to believe in ugly things.

I believe in music. I believe my heart has a rhythm meant to be strummed, drummed, or sung. I believe it's okay to cry because of the honesty in your own voice. I believe singing is healing. I believe that everyone is connected through music.

I believe in writing. I believe in this blog. I believe in myself. I believe in someday reaching everyone else.