I'm 19 now.

Why did I ever see something good in you? I FELT SO HORRIBLE for the feelings I had. The things that made me stop loving you. But YOU! You disgusting, lying bastard. You lied to me the whole way through, and I was stupid enough to believe I was actually cared for.

And I know that shouldn't hurt me now. And it shouldn't hurt me that someone I considered my friend didn't tell me about any of it even though they knew. But... I'm afraid I'll make the same mistake. I shudder thinking of who else I was unwillingly sharing myself with. I am disgusting thinking about how many nights I spent thinking nothing was going on when there was drugs and flirtation to be had.

I JUST HATE LYING.

I kissed a boy while I was dating another. I felt... like a devil. I felt horrible. But the guy I was with, seemed to revert back to being, well, a bad guy. And I was sad. I was lonely. And there was someone who told me the best stories of how he could treat me and I kissed him. And I came clean right away. That's the worst thing I've ever done. Ever. Well, to someone else. I've done far worse to myself.

This is a stupid blog post... But I'm so angry. It's my birthday and I'm sad.
I'm happy for the great things in my life but I'm terrified that it's all just lies, like it has been with everyone before. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I'm not special. I feel like I'm the girl who's supposed to put up with being treated disrespectfully because I don't deserve any better. I feel like I may never be loved for me, respected, honored, and cherished by anyone. Is it so much to ask for a little honesty?


Now this is all... behind me. The psychologically damaging effects, that lingers. The preoccupation about being close to someone again, it haunts me. And I don't exactly know how to talk about it. The broken state, the damaged heart, that's all there. But the boys, who made me briefly believe in love and then brought me down to nothing, are in the past. I bounced back from both. I'm okay. But... it's there. That constant fear. That... what if they're just using me? What if I'm not all they tell me I am? That will stay.


But somehow, I believe this time is right.
I think... it's different now.
And I am done holding back.
I want to be taken. I want to let my guard down.


It's time to forget the past,
where my scathed dreams lay...
and the moments that were supposed to last a lifetime,
faded away.


ALSO: There are probably many typos in this post. I'm sleepy.
And... I'm 19 now. Hooray....? I want to be 20. Still, I'm hoping this day is magical.

Nightmare part 3: The Neverending.

I have decided not to share this part with anyone.. because I want to write a book about my nightmare. I think the basic plot line is really cool and the ending is to die for ;)
So the ending shall be a mystery until the book is published.
But the title has you curious, yes? I can only hope.

My Nightmare. Part 2: Zombieland

Suddenly I was driving a broken down black car, the windows smashed in on both sides. I looked in the back seat and there were these creatures...

They looks like half dogs, half humans. They had bandages wrapped around their faces that left each one indistinguishable from the other. They were trying to kill me. I conveniently had a crowbar next to me I used to smash apart their bodies, mutilated their already distorted flesh into nothingness. The three creatures lay newly dead, and I drove calm and collected, trying to reach my destination.

This was the aftermath. The black rainbow had taken out almost everything. But somehow I managed to escape. Megan and I, we didn't die. We got out of there, but I couldn't remember it clearly. I didn't know where she was now, all I knew is that I had to get away from this place. But I had questions. So many questions.

It had become apparent that the black rainbow was a hoax. It was a simulated phenomenon used to draw so many people to that one particular spot so they could be taken out. But who did it? People traveled worldwide, it seemed nonsensical that another country did this. The radio still fizzled in and out, and I could hear the debate. Beyond these 50 miles of chaos, the world was still in order. But as I kept listening, swerving to avoid a severed body, I heard the panic in their voices. The science is impossible. This wasn't the work of a human. This isn't something from here. We've been invaded. Static.

The car was running low on gas. I didn't know where to stop. Invaded? I had settled into the idea that some work of the devil was at play here, I suppose hoping to believe in something spiritual in the few moments before I was supposed to die. Aliens. The one thing I had always feared for no explainable reason, and they were behind it all.

I saw no source. No a single encounter with anything alien-like. Those creatures... those were people. Hell, they could've been my family. The car stalls in the middle of a long, broken highway. I see flames a ways back, and blackness forward. I quickly decide forward is the only option. I take the crowbar with me, and begin to walk, stumbling from a head rush. A spotlight shines over me.

Several people walk towards me, their flashlights all pin-pointed on me. At first I'm relieved until I see they are all sick. Bits of flesh hang off their skin, foam drips from their mouths, and blank eyes stare at me with thirst and hunger. I clench my weapon tighter in my hand, preparing for what I have to do. I will not go down without a fight. I take one step backward, and they run.

The first creature to get to me goes straight toward my neck, and the crowbar slashes into their torso. I didn't I was strong enough to give such a powerful blow. I raise the bar higher and watch it cut up their weakened sternum. With my right foot I kick the thing off and onto the ground, and wind into a second blow to the head of the next monster approaching me. This one was very short, and I presumed had been a child. I bashed it's head once again and easily enough, it fell. At this moment, I could feel myself start to smile. I believed in myself. I believed enough to survive.

Three more reached me at once. I was clawed at and punched, never bitten. I stabbed one in the throat, blackened blood squirted onto my face. While trying to clear my eyes, another creature hit my ribcage, and I could hear the bones crack. I had to contort myself to take pressure off the left side of my body. Anger and desperation pulsed through me, feeding my energy. I hit them in the back of their legs, taking down the one that had broken my ribs. It managed to land on it's stomach, and I jammed the crowbar into it's spine and quickly retracted to hit the third in the stomach. The blow dizzied the thing, and I did the same sort of swing at it's throat, sending it's head flying ten feet away. There were still six more, but I felt confident now.

And as I turned to face the rest coming for me, an even brighter light shone over me. The zombies cowered, and I let my eyes adjust to see what was making them retreat.

A machine.

The Black Rainbow (song)

Dull brilliance in the pitch black night
A sign of salvation or the end
Traveling miles to see the sight
I want to go away

Each day grows stronger, brighter
Extending to soon be completed
I try to tell her, try to warn her
We need to go away

Dream of Black rainbow
They believe what their eyes
Tell them, but I know
You’re the devil in disguise
And now, we must go
If we’re to stay alive

My family is weakened by the power
Exuded from a force in nature
Unable to move, they’re cowered here
But they must go away

Time is too short to count and pray,
It has almost reached the horizon
My voice makes no difference, they all stay
But I must go away

Dream of Black rainbow
They believe what their eyes
Tell them, but I know
You’re the devil in disguise
And now, we must go
If we’re to stay alive

The world is quiet here
Obliterated by white flames
The end I feared
Explosions in the sky took them all away

Dream of Black rainbow
They believe what their eyes
Tell them, but I know
You’re the devil in disguise
And now, we must go
If we’re to stay alive

Explosions in the sky took them all away

My Nightmare. Part 1: The Black Rainbow

I need to write this out so I remember.

There was a black rainbow. Everyone from miles around wanted to come see it, it was something for the history books. A rainbow that shone with a dulled brilliance in the pitch black night sky. No one knew what it meant, and there was talk of it meaning the end of everything.

I was with my family, and I was one of those who thought this black rainbow was a sign of our demise. It'd disappear in the day time, but as night fell it was growing stronger and stronger. I tried to reach Sohrab, as he was away at school, but he would never answer any of my messages.

Megan came back to visit and see this incredible phenomenon, and I told her that it was a bad idea. That this rainbow is no good thing. We hear news that the following night it will be the brightest it will ever be, and it will finally reach the entire length of the sky, creating a full parabola shape. I knew it meant disaster, I was afraid there wasn't much time left.

As everyone awaits to see the rainbow complete, new theories come up. Jesus will appear before us the moment it happens. God will tell us why we are there. Nothing but beauty. I continued to try and get a hold of Sohrab, to talk to him one last time. To see if there was anything like this where he was. To see if maybe he has a chance, still.

We close in on the last few seconds before the rainbow completes, I run towards the house, to go in the basement, my best source of protection. Megan is at my house with my family, they're all on the deck watching in amazement. The moment happen. The black rainbow completes and for a moment, it seems that is all that was to occur. Then along the horizon, explosion after explosion erupts from no where. My family and Megan rush into the house to follow me, to the basement, where we wait to see if the explosions will reach us.

But as commotion outside calms down, my family goes upstairs, and is obliterated in the flames. Megan and I await downstairs, terrified that no one has returned. She's trying to get a hold of Tyler, to say goodbye to him one last time. I'm still trying to get a hold of Sohrab. We both knew we had so little time. We put away our phones and hugged each other tight, thinking maybe this is the way it was supposed to be. We prayed silently for the good fortune of our loves, and braced what was coming. The ground above us tore away, and we were grateful to have a best friend in our last moment. The explosions reached us, and all went black.

More computer lab thoughts.

This is one of those evenings where nothing really happens.
I see a friend.
I read a book.
I carry on in silence.
I await a text.
I comb my hair.
I carry on in silence.
Everything is drenched in dull light.
Everything is wrecked with bitter bored.

And then I feel like I'm in that place again. The one that I always go back to.
Is there any way to ever bring me back?
Back to the days when I was okay with a meaningless existence. Back to the days where I could wonder in the sunlight for hours with no destination in mind, fully aware that the journey was all that mattered. Back to being complete.

I wish I could play an instrument, I feel like that would help. I have all this music built up inside me, needing to be sung. But I can't ever really play it, and that makes me feel a certain sadness.

I've realized I don't post many happy things.
I believe in my talents more these days.
I believe less in who I am.
I believe in love so strong these days.
I believe less in friends.
I believe in happiness these days.
I believe less that I can obtain it.

My heart hurts. It always hurts. It's been hurting for so long now, and I'm afraid the only way to fix it is to reverse how it broke. But that means someone else needs to be there through the times the others weren't.
I feel like I don't have the power to fix it myself. I gave that away a long time ago. I let people take away all that was good about me.

Thoughts.

I'm sitting here in the lab of Friedrick, looking at the fresh scars on my arm. I'm sad because my posts lately have been like entries from a diary more than sharing work. I suppose that is what a blog is meant for, and I suppose I can use it this way. But it makes me feel uneasy, like too many things do these days.

Last night I was social (surprising, yes?). I actually talked to someone in my dorm besides my good friend from high school. I talked to a group of people actually. And more surprising? I felt okay. Sure, I wasn't enthralled by the conversation, but I was content being around these other people. I was content with not being alone. I find that I wish I could talk to new people more often. I wish I could talk to them without bringing up my weird qualities and getting strange looks. I wish that I could be what they think I am upon first sight. They think I'm ditsy, they think I love parties, they think I've never faced any real hurt. They think I only have one dimension.

But then they see... As casual conversation continues, I talk of my bloodlust, my angst, and my hatred for all music auto-tuned. I become more and more complicated to them, and I'm unsure of the response. I can't quite tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing to them, all I get by their facial expressions is that they weren't expecting it.

This is a dumb post. At least, I believe it is. But recently someone commented on here that made me believe more in myself. I now think, nothing I post is pointless. If I feel the need to write it, it must be necessary.

As for the scars on my arm, that's my weakness. Those are my doubts and fears that maybe my goals aren't possible. They scorch my skin. They attack my thoughts. But, alas, they are always there. Even as the scar fades, the feeling of torn flesh has scathed my memory, reminding me that I am no better than anyone else.

PS: I really wish my lap top was working.
And that I could write this book faster, but as I keep re-writing it, I get farther and farther from finishing.