More computer lab thoughts.

This is one of those evenings where nothing really happens.
I see a friend.
I read a book.
I carry on in silence.
I await a text.
I comb my hair.
I carry on in silence.
Everything is drenched in dull light.
Everything is wrecked with bitter bored.

And then I feel like I'm in that place again. The one that I always go back to.
Is there any way to ever bring me back?
Back to the days when I was okay with a meaningless existence. Back to the days where I could wonder in the sunlight for hours with no destination in mind, fully aware that the journey was all that mattered. Back to being complete.

I wish I could play an instrument, I feel like that would help. I have all this music built up inside me, needing to be sung. But I can't ever really play it, and that makes me feel a certain sadness.

I've realized I don't post many happy things.
I believe in my talents more these days.
I believe less in who I am.
I believe in love so strong these days.
I believe less in friends.
I believe in happiness these days.
I believe less that I can obtain it.

My heart hurts. It always hurts. It's been hurting for so long now, and I'm afraid the only way to fix it is to reverse how it broke. But that means someone else needs to be there through the times the others weren't.
I feel like I don't have the power to fix it myself. I gave that away a long time ago. I let people take away all that was good about me.