I'm 19 now.

Why did I ever see something good in you? I FELT SO HORRIBLE for the feelings I had. The things that made me stop loving you. But YOU! You disgusting, lying bastard. You lied to me the whole way through, and I was stupid enough to believe I was actually cared for.

And I know that shouldn't hurt me now. And it shouldn't hurt me that someone I considered my friend didn't tell me about any of it even though they knew. But... I'm afraid I'll make the same mistake. I shudder thinking of who else I was unwillingly sharing myself with. I am disgusting thinking about how many nights I spent thinking nothing was going on when there was drugs and flirtation to be had.

I JUST HATE LYING.

I kissed a boy while I was dating another. I felt... like a devil. I felt horrible. But the guy I was with, seemed to revert back to being, well, a bad guy. And I was sad. I was lonely. And there was someone who told me the best stories of how he could treat me and I kissed him. And I came clean right away. That's the worst thing I've ever done. Ever. Well, to someone else. I've done far worse to myself.

This is a stupid blog post... But I'm so angry. It's my birthday and I'm sad.
I'm happy for the great things in my life but I'm terrified that it's all just lies, like it has been with everyone before. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I'm not special. I feel like I'm the girl who's supposed to put up with being treated disrespectfully because I don't deserve any better. I feel like I may never be loved for me, respected, honored, and cherished by anyone. Is it so much to ask for a little honesty?


Now this is all... behind me. The psychologically damaging effects, that lingers. The preoccupation about being close to someone again, it haunts me. And I don't exactly know how to talk about it. The broken state, the damaged heart, that's all there. But the boys, who made me briefly believe in love and then brought me down to nothing, are in the past. I bounced back from both. I'm okay. But... it's there. That constant fear. That... what if they're just using me? What if I'm not all they tell me I am? That will stay.


But somehow, I believe this time is right.
I think... it's different now.
And I am done holding back.
I want to be taken. I want to let my guard down.


It's time to forget the past,
where my scathed dreams lay...
and the moments that were supposed to last a lifetime,
faded away.


ALSO: There are probably many typos in this post. I'm sleepy.
And... I'm 19 now. Hooray....? I want to be 20. Still, I'm hoping this day is magical.