So.....
I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA OVER SPRING BREAK!
March 12-15.
I'm going to my sister's really good friend's wedding on a yacht in Newport, staying in Long Beach with my great uncle, and her friend actually lives in Irvine. My sister and I are going to tour the campus there because UC-Irvine is the college I want to go to :)
We wrote up a plan today for me to move there next year and work for a year, then go to school at UC-Irvine. I've never been so happy. This is so where I belong.
Also raindrop therapy was AMAZING! I feel so great. Things are coming into perspective. The only thing is... I'm not sure any of my attachments in Wisconsin are really life-long. It's feeling temporary. I know Jessamyn will totally end up wherever I am, and I'm so happy about that. She really is a girl I just always need. But I think that's it. I think... next year I'll be pretty much on my own.
But this is what I need to do to follow my life... to be happy... to accomplish what I dream of.
Give me your hand
But realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave
And carry on my own life
I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear
Escape from this afterlife
'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on
Far away from here
Got nothing against you
And surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light
And I'd hope you might
Take me back inside when the time is right
Loved ones back home all crying
'Cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God
That there's somebody listening
Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
I am unbroken, I'm choking on this ecstasy
Oh Lord, I'll try so hard but You gotta let go of me
Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Blind love is true.
I can't focus,
my irises, blurred, burn
And sleeping?
That's not an option
I hum in the shower,
I didn't do that before
And I write constantly,
falling more and more.
I believe it's possible
to steal stars from the sky,
to never have to cry,
to want to live more than die,
and be more than just "passing by."
What I'm trying to say,
is that this is hard to do,
admitting I got lost
and fell in love with you
my irises, blurred, burn
And sleeping?
That's not an option
I hum in the shower,
I didn't do that before
And I write constantly,
falling more and more.
I believe it's possible
to steal stars from the sky,
to never have to cry,
to want to live more than die,
and be more than just "passing by."
What I'm trying to say,
is that this is hard to do,
admitting I got lost
and fell in love with you
Just slip me on, I'll be your blanket
"Are we a thing?"
"Darling, we're everything."
I've longed to discover
Something as true as this is
When you're worn out and tired, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
When your heart has expired, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
If you're cold and you're lonely, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
You've got one nickel only, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
Oh lover, I'll cover you, yeah
Oh lover, I'll cover you.
__________________________________________________________
I want a zest for life like Angel.
I want a love like Angel and Collins, Mimi and Roger.
I want to not be afraid to live like Mimi.
I want to open up like Roger eventually does.
I want to realize everything that's going on like Mark.
I want to be adventurous and confident like Maureen.
I want to demand romance like Joanne.
I want to rebel against the system like Collins.
I JUST WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS SHOW!
Oh and my friend Dan just came by and he told me this new thing he does.. Shower in the dark. That sounds amazing. Totally doing that next shower.
"Darling, we're everything."
I've longed to discover
Something as true as this is
When you're worn out and tired, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
When your heart has expired, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
If you're cold and you're lonely, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
You've got one nickel only, with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you
Oh lover, I'll cover you, yeah
Oh lover, I'll cover you.
__________________________________________________________
I want a zest for life like Angel.
I want a love like Angel and Collins, Mimi and Roger.
I want to not be afraid to live like Mimi.
I want to open up like Roger eventually does.
I want to realize everything that's going on like Mark.
I want to be adventurous and confident like Maureen.
I want to demand romance like Joanne.
I want to rebel against the system like Collins.
I JUST WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS SHOW!
Oh and my friend Dan just came by and he told me this new thing he does.. Shower in the dark. That sounds amazing. Totally doing that next shower.
You're on the line with the Feline of Avenue B!
So I'm sitting here watching Rent, singing along to every moment.. and completely, helplessly, hopelessly, in love. This show is amazing. This show changed my entire life.
I use to crave simplicity and what was easy until I saw this show. It made me believe more in everything that counts... loving, living every moment to it's fullest potential, and never wasting time.
I miss this show. I miss the days when I listened to it EVERY DAY. I miss the days when neighbors complained they were sick of hearing me singing "Take Me or Leave Me" at the top of my lungs.
All I want to do is sing this show right now. I want to run through it, perform it for everyone. I'll even do a one woman show... that may be tricky in a few parts (Christmas Bells for instance). But I NEED TO. My soul is begging for it.
I use to crave simplicity and what was easy until I saw this show. It made me believe more in everything that counts... loving, living every moment to it's fullest potential, and never wasting time.
I miss this show. I miss the days when I listened to it EVERY DAY. I miss the days when neighbors complained they were sick of hearing me singing "Take Me or Leave Me" at the top of my lungs.
All I want to do is sing this show right now. I want to run through it, perform it for everyone. I'll even do a one woman show... that may be tricky in a few parts (Christmas Bells for instance). But I NEED TO. My soul is begging for it.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Not written by me/Written by stupid me
And I don't even know if I should be posting it..
but the writer will remain anonymous.
It's so beautiful.. I wanted to share it here.
Two figures are sitting among the rocks. The moon glistens off the surface of the ocean, looking like drowning bright white fireflies. In the distance fog rolls in, starting to blanket the spot they seem to be looking upon. But they're looking at the stars. "Which one is your favorite?" says the boy. The girl, stunningly beautiful with a smile most men would do anything to have pointed at them, gazes up and thinks. "I like the big one, off to the side of that cluster of the other ones. Its the best because it can get by on its own." The boy slowly got up, and grasped the star in his hand. Twisting, he popped it out of the sky and brought it to earth. He then pulled a string out of his pocket, threading it through the souvenir he'd taken from the night. Reaching over to the girl he tied the iridescent orb around her neck. "Here. So even when you're lost or in a dark place you can find your way back to me."
_________________________________________________________
These words are my own. And they suck.
I feel in the absence of magic. And I don't like it.
What is with me and these awful, self-absorbed blog posts? I need to stop. I need to get a grip on everything. Yet my mind keeps churning out senseless emotion and thoughts that I want to stab. I'm turning into someone I don't want to admit I am.
The whole thing is ludicrous. It's petty and stupid, really.
But here I am... typing away nothing. That's right, nothing. Everything I'm saying has no meaning attached. I'm too busy trying to be vague enough to not clue anyone in on what is actually haunting me... and yet still trying to get a clear emotion across. It's not easy. It's not going well.
>.< Argh. That's frustration.
And you know what I want right now? I want a guitar. I want a song. I want to experience something beyond what my mind can create.
I want darkness, I want blood.
I want love, I want beauty.
I want selfishness, I want betrayal.
I want passion, I want depth.
I want poison, I want death.
I want every itch to be scratched.
And now I look down and think... I will never have these things. I will never let myself live.
but the writer will remain anonymous.
It's so beautiful.. I wanted to share it here.
Two figures are sitting among the rocks. The moon glistens off the surface of the ocean, looking like drowning bright white fireflies. In the distance fog rolls in, starting to blanket the spot they seem to be looking upon. But they're looking at the stars. "Which one is your favorite?" says the boy. The girl, stunningly beautiful with a smile most men would do anything to have pointed at them, gazes up and thinks. "I like the big one, off to the side of that cluster of the other ones. Its the best because it can get by on its own." The boy slowly got up, and grasped the star in his hand. Twisting, he popped it out of the sky and brought it to earth. He then pulled a string out of his pocket, threading it through the souvenir he'd taken from the night. Reaching over to the girl he tied the iridescent orb around her neck. "Here. So even when you're lost or in a dark place you can find your way back to me."
_________________________________________________________
These words are my own. And they suck.
I feel in the absence of magic. And I don't like it.
What is with me and these awful, self-absorbed blog posts? I need to stop. I need to get a grip on everything. Yet my mind keeps churning out senseless emotion and thoughts that I want to stab. I'm turning into someone I don't want to admit I am.
The whole thing is ludicrous. It's petty and stupid, really.
But here I am... typing away nothing. That's right, nothing. Everything I'm saying has no meaning attached. I'm too busy trying to be vague enough to not clue anyone in on what is actually haunting me... and yet still trying to get a clear emotion across. It's not easy. It's not going well.
>.< Argh. That's frustration.
And you know what I want right now? I want a guitar. I want a song. I want to experience something beyond what my mind can create.
I want darkness, I want blood.
I want love, I want beauty.
I want selfishness, I want betrayal.
I want passion, I want depth.
I want poison, I want death.
I want every itch to be scratched.
And now I look down and think... I will never have these things. I will never let myself live.
Right now, I hate myself
I feel like I'm Carrie Bradshaw, in the city, feeling restless. Feeling unsatisfied. Feeling... confused.
And I hate myself for it. No, not for being like Carrie, she's great. For being unsatisfied. For wanting more. For demanding more.
This isn't me. I'm the girl who settles. Who bites her tongue and thinks, "this will go away with time... someday it'll be perfect."
But that's no way to live.
And I hate myself for it. No, not for being like Carrie, she's great. For being unsatisfied. For wanting more. For demanding more.
This isn't me. I'm the girl who settles. Who bites her tongue and thinks, "this will go away with time... someday it'll be perfect."
But that's no way to live.
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