Penny skipped down the street
To hear the news
So excited to feel included
A chance she just couldn't lose
Penny hurried along
And approached a man in green attire
She was humming a new song
And her face was filled with joy
Penny smiled at the man with laughter
But the man shook his head
No smile would follow after
He told little Penny her father was dead
Penny cried for the man
She had depended on forever
A brave soldier who held her hand
But gave his life to his country instead
Penny shouted, "It's not fair!"
The gentle man with the news had to go
He didn't want to stand and stare
And little Penny felt all alone
Penny thought a crowd would be present
When her sweet father came home
But she didn't know the town
And her mother knew by telephone
Penny sucked in her breath
And hummed sweet, sorrowed sounds
She'd always picture him at his best
Not a bloodied mess on sinful grounds
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Original
Power surged through my body, waking every nerve-ending and pulsing through me like fire in my veins. My heart beat fluttered and faltered as I looked up at the shadows. They are here… with me… in the dark. Above the bed, above me. I looked at the abysmal figures that were taunting me, their sadistic language ringing in my ears. Then silence. Silence… growing louder, mocking me! The solitude can be treacherous enough, but silence... chiming in with an electroweak force, killed the feeling of life within me. I cowered beneath my covers and sunk into the depths of my comforter, hiding my body and shielding my eyes from the darkness. One shadow caressed my cheek, gliding its form slow enough to send stabbing shivers through my being. The other shadow clawed at my stomach, and I felt my skin shredding as it dug deeper. I was screaming now… no, wait… that wasn’t me, that was another. The victim. The shadow made me remember my offense… and I felt the guilt. I deserve these shadows, I deserve the darkness. I could no longer breathe, couldn’t think… I was about to cease existing. The second shadow moved away from my slashed torso, to my eyes. Eyes were the only pure part of me left. I could read the shadow’s thoughts; it’s bewilderment at the transparent splendor. I was the only person who kept their true eyes after The End. My soul was the only one that remained, for my world was of demons. The selfish folly of mankind attracted the shadows from the departed cosmos. The burning! My eyes caught flame staring into the everlasting oblivion of the shadow. My soul… It was leaving me. The shadow was enchanting my only essence of identity with its beautiful language of mesmerizing melodies like that of a siren call. A piercing jolt raged through my heart as the first shadow returned to me and shrieked an ephemeral, frantic howl. Hopelessness…. My death. I was freezing while needles were attacking me with numbness. I have to... No! I can’t... I can’t make it. My consciousness was fleeting. Deep breath… Run! Running from the bed, running to the door… I could sense the shadows chase me. There was no door, only wall. An infinite wall… No way out. I was stuck with the shadows. My fists pounded against the barricade with my entire valor and vigor… The bones were crushed and pain seared through my hands. Then… the shadows. They wrapped themselves around me, constricting me of life, of thought, of faith. A shadow slashed my neck, and the blood trickled down my spine, down the small of my back. Curse the wall… the damned wall… I scraped at it mercilessly with my nails, clinging on while the shadows sucked away my spirit and stole my vitality. I felt something rough; something emerging out of the plainness of the wall. It felt like... A switch? I pressed down. Click. Everything went blank.
More blog-like in nature, snippets about myself.
1. When I was younger, I was determined to follow in Britney Spears' footsteps. I wanted to be just like her, and had dreams for being a star, until a 6th grade talent show incident.
2. For a long time, I only experienced nightmares. Every night I had to crawl in bed with my parents because the nightmares were so terrifying, and it would never stop. I was afraid to even fall asleep. It got so bad that for a couple years I had my bed in my parents room.
3. I've choked once in my life, on a jaw breaker. My dad smacked my back and it came flying out. And you know what? This technique is more respected than the original way now.
4. I wasn't able to swim until 6th grade. I believe this was delayed partially because of my near-drowning experience in 1st grade that made me fear the water. Plus the whole.. water in my nose.. issue.
5. After high school I want to be like Tim Burton, but less repetitive.
6. I'm trying to shake the "severely self-concious" thing. 'Tis a challenge.
7. When I was little I use to sing random songs I made up on the spot that went on for about 10 or 15 minutes a song to Jessica and Lance. Singing has always been my favorite thing to do, nothing else makes me as happy.
8. Rent changed my life. Don't make fun.
9. My siblings are the most wonderful people I know. They are hilarious, playful, extremely intelligent, passionate, eccentric, and they are the ones who have helped me discover myself. I am grateful for them every day of my life, and they truly give me inspiration to be better than I am.
10. Dead things are awesome.
11. I've always wished I could be as funny as my brothers.
12. Moving was the best thing that ever happened to me. I lost a lot along the way, but in the end I gained a life here that I wouldn't trade for anything. All my friends are terrific people and I feel lucky to know them.
13. I miss taking dance class. Like singing, dancing is a strong passion of mine. I miss being able to just let go and dance out all my extra energy.
14. I assisted in murdering my 2nd grade class pet. I'm very ashamed, to this day. That is one event that I have not been able to let go of.
15. My life would feel complete if someone I love wrote me a song. I don't care if that's cheesy. Or just sang me "Bed of Roses." I'd die happy.
16. I'm an extremely open person. I'm very trusting of others and I sometimes wish I wouldn't give so much of myself to other people. I've been hurt by people because of it, but that still doesn't make me want to put up any guard. I just have faith that people won't hurt me.
17. I love doing mental math... calculators annoy me and in my world I feel like it's cheating to use one. Give me a long algebraic equation and I'll happily solve it without a damn calculator.
18. I have a fascination with the past... I love learning about the way people use to live, the things they did, the things they created... it's remarkable.
19. I hate losing touch with old friends. I try to keep people in my life if I care about them and want them there, but obviously there's not much you can do when they don't want the same thing. It can be difficult, but life goes on.
20. I am one of those girls who loves to do cutesy things for people... meaning.. write notes, draw pictures, bring candy, bring little gifts, make cookies, etc.. It's so lame.
21. I am completely addicted to soda. I really, really have a problem.
22. Chocolate marshmellow is and will always be the best flavor of ice cream.
23. I have a perverted mind. I always take things in a dirty context, and I find any sexual innuendo funny.
24. I prefer to hang out with guys more so than girls. Speaking in generalities (so some girls don't get mad at me), guys have more interesting things to say..
25. I am completely indecisive about everything. However, I have been making little improvements on my indecisiveness everyday and I'm rather proud of myself. :)
26. I have the idea that "love never fails" instilled in me. I know relationships fail all the time, but I never think it's because love failed. Sometimes... love just stops, or it was never there in the first place.
27. I cried when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake broke up.
28. I love change. Whether it's a good change or a bad change.. I always feel like it's needed. That's why I change my appearance so often.. I can't stand being the same for too long. Changing things up is fun.
29. I love taking pictures. Big shocking statement there.
30. I love getting TV show seasons on DVD rather than watching them when they are normally scheduled on TV... It's more convenient and enthralling.
31. Noah's ark... is... AMAZAZING!
32. I want to make an impact somehow, in someway, on someone/many people/something/many things. I don't care what I make an impact on.. I just want to feel like.. in some sort of way.. I made a difference during the course of my lifetime. Then again, who doesn't? Mrow.
33. I'm extremely empathic. I hate it. I am a wreck at sad movies, and when my friends are upset it's torture. I always am able to feel what other people are feeling because I can pick up on it easily and imagine that emotion so vividly... It's lame.
34. I put everyone else before me. In the world that is Brittany Bavery.. everyone else comes first. I am last on my list of importance. I feel like it's a waste to think about yourself, and sometimes that makes life a bit difficult. I have a hard time making decisions that are solely for me and my own good because I feel guilty. I have experienced the negative effects of this before, which usually winds up with me being hurt. However.. as long as everybody else is happy, I tolerate being hurt. To me, that is what's right.
35. I don't know how to write a blog.
2. For a long time, I only experienced nightmares. Every night I had to crawl in bed with my parents because the nightmares were so terrifying, and it would never stop. I was afraid to even fall asleep. It got so bad that for a couple years I had my bed in my parents room.
3. I've choked once in my life, on a jaw breaker. My dad smacked my back and it came flying out. And you know what? This technique is more respected than the original way now.
4. I wasn't able to swim until 6th grade. I believe this was delayed partially because of my near-drowning experience in 1st grade that made me fear the water. Plus the whole.. water in my nose.. issue.
5. After high school I want to be like Tim Burton, but less repetitive.
6. I'm trying to shake the "severely self-concious" thing. 'Tis a challenge.
7. When I was little I use to sing random songs I made up on the spot that went on for about 10 or 15 minutes a song to Jessica and Lance. Singing has always been my favorite thing to do, nothing else makes me as happy.
8. Rent changed my life. Don't make fun.
9. My siblings are the most wonderful people I know. They are hilarious, playful, extremely intelligent, passionate, eccentric, and they are the ones who have helped me discover myself. I am grateful for them every day of my life, and they truly give me inspiration to be better than I am.
10. Dead things are awesome.
11. I've always wished I could be as funny as my brothers.
12. Moving was the best thing that ever happened to me. I lost a lot along the way, but in the end I gained a life here that I wouldn't trade for anything. All my friends are terrific people and I feel lucky to know them.
13. I miss taking dance class. Like singing, dancing is a strong passion of mine. I miss being able to just let go and dance out all my extra energy.
14. I assisted in murdering my 2nd grade class pet. I'm very ashamed, to this day. That is one event that I have not been able to let go of.
15. My life would feel complete if someone I love wrote me a song. I don't care if that's cheesy. Or just sang me "Bed of Roses." I'd die happy.
16. I'm an extremely open person. I'm very trusting of others and I sometimes wish I wouldn't give so much of myself to other people. I've been hurt by people because of it, but that still doesn't make me want to put up any guard. I just have faith that people won't hurt me.
17. I love doing mental math... calculators annoy me and in my world I feel like it's cheating to use one. Give me a long algebraic equation and I'll happily solve it without a damn calculator.
18. I have a fascination with the past... I love learning about the way people use to live, the things they did, the things they created... it's remarkable.
19. I hate losing touch with old friends. I try to keep people in my life if I care about them and want them there, but obviously there's not much you can do when they don't want the same thing. It can be difficult, but life goes on.
20. I am one of those girls who loves to do cutesy things for people... meaning.. write notes, draw pictures, bring candy, bring little gifts, make cookies, etc.. It's so lame.
21. I am completely addicted to soda. I really, really have a problem.
22. Chocolate marshmellow is and will always be the best flavor of ice cream.
23. I have a perverted mind. I always take things in a dirty context, and I find any sexual innuendo funny.
24. I prefer to hang out with guys more so than girls. Speaking in generalities (so some girls don't get mad at me), guys have more interesting things to say..
25. I am completely indecisive about everything. However, I have been making little improvements on my indecisiveness everyday and I'm rather proud of myself. :)
26. I have the idea that "love never fails" instilled in me. I know relationships fail all the time, but I never think it's because love failed. Sometimes... love just stops, or it was never there in the first place.
27. I cried when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake broke up.
28. I love change. Whether it's a good change or a bad change.. I always feel like it's needed. That's why I change my appearance so often.. I can't stand being the same for too long. Changing things up is fun.
29. I love taking pictures. Big shocking statement there.
30. I love getting TV show seasons on DVD rather than watching them when they are normally scheduled on TV... It's more convenient and enthralling.
31. Noah's ark... is... AMAZAZING!
32. I want to make an impact somehow, in someway, on someone/many people/something/many things. I don't care what I make an impact on.. I just want to feel like.. in some sort of way.. I made a difference during the course of my lifetime. Then again, who doesn't? Mrow.
33. I'm extremely empathic. I hate it. I am a wreck at sad movies, and when my friends are upset it's torture. I always am able to feel what other people are feeling because I can pick up on it easily and imagine that emotion so vividly... It's lame.
34. I put everyone else before me. In the world that is Brittany Bavery.. everyone else comes first. I am last on my list of importance. I feel like it's a waste to think about yourself, and sometimes that makes life a bit difficult. I have a hard time making decisions that are solely for me and my own good because I feel guilty. I have experienced the negative effects of this before, which usually winds up with me being hurt. However.. as long as everybody else is happy, I tolerate being hurt. To me, that is what's right.
35. I don't know how to write a blog.
Crimson
The pain felt so good. Sweet, satisfying physical pain. I watched the blood ooze from the wound I had cut so deeply into my left wrist. I rubbed my finger along the vein that was working hard to rid me of my blood. I felt a hunger for more, as squeezed my skin trying to speed up the process. I reached for my razor and dug the blade into my pale wrist once again. The contrast of the skin and blood reminded me of a painting. It was beautiful, in my own fantasy I guess. The deep red looked like it didn't belong to me, never was supposed to be inside me, keeping me alive in the first place. As I clenched on to the wash cloth I held in my hand, I thought, with a smile, that I had escaped. Nothing can stop an addiction quite like another obsession can. He'd take me back, I thought, afraid that I would judge myself too much for saying this out loud. He can't stand when I do this to myself, he'll come back. I stopped, and instead of continuing with my impossible dreams of being near him again, I closed my eyes, bringing my feet into my chest and taking in my new constant. A broken heart is a terrifying thing to live through. My mouth felt dry, and tasted like bitter emptiness, and I began to cry once more, this time falling to my knees as the emotion took over me. At night I prayed for God to help me find my way, for this to be over. I prayed for courage that never came. I wanted the strength to take my own life, if I couldn’t summon enough to live through it.
A place I've been to
It was scary; uncomfortable at first, but then it all had felt so right. He was good to me, and I felt loved. To me, this day we made love was the most miraculous occurrence in my life. I was afraid I had pressured him, and he hadn’t been ready. My worries were set aside, however, for when I felt his love for me with every careful touch, all my thoughts vanished from mind.
I wish I could take back everything I felt, and everything I made him out to be. I wanted to go back and scream at myself. I was so foolish, and he captivated me so easily. The anger I felt towards myself would always be greater than the anger I felt towards him. He had held on to me so tight, kissed me with meaning, and I felt ashamed that I didn’t see through his pretenses.
And that thought seemed so absolutely hysterical to me now, that he really loved me. It had only been a few days since that day he told me the truth, and only little of my spirit remained. The man who saved me had brought me back to nothing all in one instant. I hated phone calls. I hated people. I didn’t trust anyone anymore; I didn’t believe anyone could honestly help me.
When you have no faith, no friends, no family, no motivation, life becomes a wasteland that you are forced to tread through for endless years. When your life loses its purpose, it becomes too difficult to do anything for a few minutes without thinking about how much happier you’ll be when it’s all over.
Today is okay, today I am surviving. There are days I wish I could slash my eyes out with my fingernails. There are days where I have a few brushes with happiness but then shudder away from it like it’s the plague. Happiness is so wrong to feel when nothing is right. It makes me feel guilty, and mixed up. Or like maybe I never really loved him either… that kills me the most.
But perhaps that is what it really was. He was a concept that I became hopelessly attached to during a time when nothing else in my life made sense. Maybe it wasn't the person I grew to love, rather the idea that he would always be there. Still, I can't diminish the strength of what I feel. I feel love, I feel need, I feel want, I feel desire. He's the only one who can make the world safe and ok.
Sleeplessness has overthrown my body. Awake with no external stimulation, I let my thoughts wonder to places no one would dare to go. I picture my body hanging from the rail in my closet or my broken skull bashed against the pavement, and in my imagination I become relieved. I am creating hopes that this will all be over soon.
I wish I could take back everything I felt, and everything I made him out to be. I wanted to go back and scream at myself. I was so foolish, and he captivated me so easily. The anger I felt towards myself would always be greater than the anger I felt towards him. He had held on to me so tight, kissed me with meaning, and I felt ashamed that I didn’t see through his pretenses.
And that thought seemed so absolutely hysterical to me now, that he really loved me. It had only been a few days since that day he told me the truth, and only little of my spirit remained. The man who saved me had brought me back to nothing all in one instant. I hated phone calls. I hated people. I didn’t trust anyone anymore; I didn’t believe anyone could honestly help me.
When you have no faith, no friends, no family, no motivation, life becomes a wasteland that you are forced to tread through for endless years. When your life loses its purpose, it becomes too difficult to do anything for a few minutes without thinking about how much happier you’ll be when it’s all over.
Today is okay, today I am surviving. There are days I wish I could slash my eyes out with my fingernails. There are days where I have a few brushes with happiness but then shudder away from it like it’s the plague. Happiness is so wrong to feel when nothing is right. It makes me feel guilty, and mixed up. Or like maybe I never really loved him either… that kills me the most.
But perhaps that is what it really was. He was a concept that I became hopelessly attached to during a time when nothing else in my life made sense. Maybe it wasn't the person I grew to love, rather the idea that he would always be there. Still, I can't diminish the strength of what I feel. I feel love, I feel need, I feel want, I feel desire. He's the only one who can make the world safe and ok.
Sleeplessness has overthrown my body. Awake with no external stimulation, I let my thoughts wonder to places no one would dare to go. I picture my body hanging from the rail in my closet or my broken skull bashed against the pavement, and in my imagination I become relieved. I am creating hopes that this will all be over soon.
Dear person I talk to in the mirror,
I hate my enormous nose that takes up the majority of my complexion.
I hate my squeaky sneeze that demands too much attention.
I hate my unruly hair, all its tangles and curls in every direction.
I hate my un-plucked eyebrows that put imbalance in my expression.
I hate my crooked front tooth that creates a major flaw towards perfection.
There are so many problems here that could be the cause of my dejection.
But what I really hate has nothing to do with my appearance
Instead it’s more about your interference
Somehow I always let it prevent my perseverance
And only you know of my disappearance
I hate my inability to speak up when I have something to say.
I hate my fear to sing the songs that carry me away.
I hate my shy exterior and unwillingness to play.
I hate my confused mind that doesn’t know which way.
I hate my “fuck it” attitude that doesn’t gain friends who stay.
I hate my insanity that makes me reluctant to obey.
Why is it that not a single person can understand my dismay?
But what I really hate is you
You are the one who made me think it true
I never thought this way before
Until you slashed me down once more
I was a strong person, believe me
But one too many pierces deceived me
Imagine
Learning no one cares
Learning no one’s there
Your spirit can’t take the pain
And you run away again
Trying to find out who you are
Afraid the answer might scar
But still you try to prevail
Hoping the person behind the mask won’t fail
I hate my squeaky sneeze that demands too much attention.
I hate my unruly hair, all its tangles and curls in every direction.
I hate my un-plucked eyebrows that put imbalance in my expression.
I hate my crooked front tooth that creates a major flaw towards perfection.
There are so many problems here that could be the cause of my dejection.
But what I really hate has nothing to do with my appearance
Instead it’s more about your interference
Somehow I always let it prevent my perseverance
And only you know of my disappearance
I hate my inability to speak up when I have something to say.
I hate my fear to sing the songs that carry me away.
I hate my shy exterior and unwillingness to play.
I hate my confused mind that doesn’t know which way.
I hate my “fuck it” attitude that doesn’t gain friends who stay.
I hate my insanity that makes me reluctant to obey.
Why is it that not a single person can understand my dismay?
But what I really hate is you
You are the one who made me think it true
I never thought this way before
Until you slashed me down once more
I was a strong person, believe me
But one too many pierces deceived me
Imagine
Learning no one cares
Learning no one’s there
Your spirit can’t take the pain
And you run away again
Trying to find out who you are
Afraid the answer might scar
But still you try to prevail
Hoping the person behind the mask won’t fail
Kill. Mhmmm... die.
What if I told you that I’m haunted by demons,
Prowling after my condemned soul?
Would you turn away?
Would you be afraid?
What if I told you I was praying for my demise,
Ready to plummet into the blazing lengths of hell?
Would you shy away in fright?
Would you still join me in the night?
What if I told you I despised my blood,
And could rid myself of disgust with one giant cut?
Would you stop my anguish?
Would you prevent my affliction?
What if I told you that I want you to be close,
Carving a portion of your throat to become in the unknown?
Would you accept and adhere?
Would you reject out of fear?
What if I told you there was no longer a choice,
That your essence belonged to me and this was the obliteration?
Would you be disheartened?
Would you shed tears?
You may have no answers,
I lack more questions.
I am at fault,
But your folly is infectious.
I must repent,
This way more treacherous.
You will learn serenity,
But your soul will not rest.
Prowling after my condemned soul?
Would you turn away?
Would you be afraid?
What if I told you I was praying for my demise,
Ready to plummet into the blazing lengths of hell?
Would you shy away in fright?
Would you still join me in the night?
What if I told you I despised my blood,
And could rid myself of disgust with one giant cut?
Would you stop my anguish?
Would you prevent my affliction?
What if I told you that I want you to be close,
Carving a portion of your throat to become in the unknown?
Would you accept and adhere?
Would you reject out of fear?
What if I told you there was no longer a choice,
That your essence belonged to me and this was the obliteration?
Would you be disheartened?
Would you shed tears?
You may have no answers,
I lack more questions.
I am at fault,
But your folly is infectious.
I must repent,
This way more treacherous.
You will learn serenity,
But your soul will not rest.
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