Sometimes I wish

That people practiced what they preach. I have so many friends who talk of caring for others and taking care of people, yet they show hatred and prejudice towards most people. I don't understand that. Maybe I'm not supposed to. I also have friends who talk about how happy they are and how perfect their life is, yet they come crying to me about problems all the time. And I have friends who absolutely hate certain ideas but they contribute to it. I just hate the mixed signals. If I was against killing animals, I wouldn't eat meat. If I cared more about the survival of my own race, I'd be more environmental. I wouldn't SAY I am for one thing and then in PRACTICE take a different stance. I shouldn't just say friends, I should also say family. Definitely a few family members fall into this category...

I own up to my bad qualities. I own up to my good ones. I'll be honest with you about it all. I'll tell you the hypocritical things I say. I'll tell you the things I believe that I wish I didn't. But hey, it beats playing devil's advocate, being pretentious, and alienating myself from my loved ones.

And also I wish that people were more sensitive when they spoke, myself included. When I share my opinion to family, I get really personal and hurt them. A lot of my friends do this and then claim they aren't being that way at all... they don't get it. It's not about the intentions or the way they spin their own words... It's how what they say gets interpreted. It's how it comes across. Being sensitive to how you affect others doesn't mean you care what people think, it's means you care about people.

I don't know. It's 4:37 AM and I should go to bed.

I also hate it when my friends aren't open to the idea that people can create possibilities for themselves. Yes, there is a majority of people who live suffering everyday and they were born into that... But there are also those people born with that who make a change and get a better life for themselves. It IS possible. Not believing is a huge reason why people get stuck in a life like that. Honestly, I would consider staying here in Wisconsin living in the suburbs would be a tragic life for me. I KNOW that I will break for bigger and better things because I'm willing to do anything to get there... regardless of having no one to believe in me but myself. Truly, people are capable of following their dreams. It's just that.. it's not the obvious or easiest route to take. That doesn't make it unobtainable.

And yes, trying to succeed in a system that is failing is stupid when really we could change the system and it'd be much easier. However, I think there needs to be the struggle. Maybe it's the Buddhist in me speaking out but... It provides a balance. I believe in having those people who never have to shed a tear or work a day in their life, and I believe in having those people who have absolutely nothing. Spiritually, I think that's important. Yeah, that's dumb, I get it, but it makes sense to me. Yes, some things should change. Some things should be a lot better. And I do my part to try and make that happen. No, Jessica, this does not mean I will pay Sally Struthers to feed the starving children in Africa.

And one more thing I hate... this I hate more than any other quality in a person... Thinking that their beliefs and opinions are so different from anyone else', that they are way more elite in thought, that they are unique. If you're thinking a thought, someone else has thought it, too. No one is completely unique, let's face that right now. People talk like their the shit and oh I'm so different... you're not. You're really not. I've caught myself thinking before, wow I'm weird and different... Not really. There are other people who think exactly like me. I'm not so strange. Even sociopathic murderers have thoughts that have been thought before.

Yeah, I'm typing this at now 4:48 in the morning. Yeah, I'm not proof-reading it. Yeah, I probably said some ignorant, stupid things. I don't care. I'm sick of being belittled whenever I talk to people. I'm sick of having my dreams attacked. My older brother.. he does this the worst to me. I'm just sick of people talking the talk and not walking the walk.

There are a lot of reasons for posting this... and the biggest one is all about some family members... yet I get this feeling that my friends will think it is more about them. They always do with statuses and posts and then I get texts later saying "Brittany are you mad at me?" Bleh. Another thing I hate.

W-wwwww-O-oooo-W-wwwww

Gosh. I can't stop smiling.
That's lame huh?
>.<
Eh what's lame is I'm watching MTV, Teen Mom not Jersey Shore...
And I'm entertained.
But whatever.
I feel good.
I feel loved :)
I feel so completely happy.

Oh.

I'm so harsh and unforgiving because... I miss it. And I don't want to miss it. But god damn it, when things were good they were good. And it could've been forever. And sometimes, that hurts. And yes, some bad things happened. But I should really learn to forgive and suck it up and get over it already.

Sounds like I'm talking about a guy.
But I'm talking about my life.
Mrow.

Character Run Down

Blake Slate *as I want her to be*:
Physical description - 15 years old. Short girl, about 5'4", long black hair, not extremely pale but in no way tanned, very large green eyes, slight erotic look. Dresses in fitted flare jeans, ballet flats, and lots of long sleeve shirts, mostly black and everything she wears has something alluring about it (open back, low neck line, etc.) Heavy eye makeup. Ears pierced once on each lobe and a cartilage piercing on one ear. Slouches when she sits, but walks with shoulders back.

Personality description - Cocky about her intelligence. Thinks she knows just about everything. Vulnerable in almost every other aspect. Hates the way she looks. Doesn't find herself funny but she can be rather witty fairly often. Not very nice, very self-absorbed, though believes otherwise. A "good" girl. Virgin, doesn't do drugs or drink, only swears to be more convincing or when being defensive/attacking. Says she doesn't care about being liked but is dying to fit in and feel loved.

Hobbies: Playing guitar and piano, singing, and drawing. Mediocre piano player, decent guitar player, fairly good singer, and extremely talented artist.

Other characters:

Jack Slate - 13 year old brother to Blake, slightly taller than her, black hair. Very outgoing and charismatic, known for being funny and kind to just about everyone. Not into anything bad, plays sports a lot.

Dean Slate - 16 year old brother to Blake, about 6 feet tall, black hair. Very outgoing, kind of a bully. Smokes a lot of weed, gets in to trouble often. Plays guitar. Played sports when he was younger. Has a small cross tattoo in the center of his back his parents are unaware of.

Father (Thomas) - Writes a sports section for the local newspaper. Very strict but very absent with their children. Having an affair with Darcy.

Mother (Beth) - Works at a town bank. Bipolar. She can be the best mother and the worst mother to her kids. Extremely nosy. Goes out with her friend Cheyanne often to get drunk.

Darcy - 22 year old college drop-out, neighbor, having affair with Blake's father

Mr. Frank - Biology teacher, about 50, very nice, very enthusiastic

Isabella - Drama Teacher, about 45, quirky

Mr. Shaw - English teacher, extremely attractive, about 30

Zander - Total douchebag who crushes on Blake

Shelly - Fellow student Blake works with but doesn't connect with, shy

Eric - Good friend to Blake, shy to most

Leila - Hates Blake, popular, tan, red hair, obsessed with Shiloh

Erica - Skinny blonde girl out to star in every school production and obsessed with Shiloh

Mary-Anne - Heavy-set, self-absorbed, good friend to Leila

Marie - Shiloh's younger sister, age 5

Shiloh - 17 years old. New boy in neighborhood (backyard neighbor to Blake) Dark Brown hair, slender with tone muscle, extremely attractive. Very quiet, keeps to himself, doesn't try to make new friends. Plays piano and sings, both very well. Dreams of escape. Very intelligent but is only a Sophomore in high school, he was sent away for two years and he has to make up school. Parents consider him "bad news." Object of many girls' affection.

I'll add more as they come into existence.

I don't know what's gotten in to me

But I want to write about my thoughts all the time lately. It's like this blog has become a diary rather than a place to post my work. I really would like to have more to post but... I just don't have the motivation these days.

I'm really excited for my second semester because I'm sure that it'll be better than my first. I'm determined to make some friends. Wow... that doesn't sound like me. But I want them! And I'm so excited for my new classes, they seem great. Here's the trouble though, I have to spend time with someone I'm afraid to spend time with because they broke my trust. I kind of regret making this planned time with them, but there is no way that I can change that. I'm thinking it'll be a good experience for me, though. I think maybe I'll learn the power of FORGIVENESS. Something I have major trouble with. Let's be honest, I'm still mad at Derek and that happened three years ago. I think the universe is really wanting me to finally go through this lesson and actually change my grudge-holding ways. Oh! Better example: I'm still mad at Josh Graber for killing the frog in 2nd grade and then people hated me because they said I was a murderer. >.<

Another subject consuming my thoughts: Tangled. I fucking love this movie. Pardon my curse. But seriously, AMAZING! The mother daughter issues really hit home for me.. The thief/love interest was funny. The horse was awesome. Pascal the chameleon is my favorite. And Rapunzel is simply wonderful. All these characters felt so real to me, and the story played out like music for me. And hey! There was some of that disney music! The love song scene with the lanterns is probably the most fantastic love scene ever made. I adored every moment. This makes me wish my life involved more magic. I want magic to be real. Desperately. I believe so much in fairies, pixie dust, spells, and potions. But... It never turns out like I hope and dream and believe it will. The only magic I've ever known is love, and YES, that is the greatest magic in existence, however, I'm ready for more!

The last thing I want to type out about is what I just mentioned. Love. Ah, love. I'm so in love, I feel like I'm living in a dream. I can't sleep anymore because reality has surpassed my imagination. I'm blissfully naive, constantly in my heart and then my head gets frustrated, and inspired to write music every second. This is such a good feeling. But, I've been hurt. I've been hurt really bad. I've been led to believe that no person truly loves me back, that it's temporary, that they just consider me the best "option" at the time. My past is hard to shake. Not just with guys, overall the guys I've dated haven't been horrible. Yes, one wasn't happy with me for many many months and wanted to leave me when he found out more of my deeper thoughts. Yes, he cheated. But it was so close to when he broke up with me and he wasn't into me at that point. Yet, I will still crazy about him... for all the wrong reasons. Then another, he went away for a while and regressed into this other persona of his. This bad guy. He lied to me constantly. So I started to become interested in someone else and I cheated on him. >.< Still I feel awful. He didn't even care. He wasn't really upset, and now I get why. Our whole relationship was a lie. Maybe some of the earlier moments were okay, like when he first told me he loved me... I didn't think I could ever have a better moment than that. I knew that was real. But he just lied and lied. He mentally cheated for sure, with stranger and my friends, and I'm not exactly sure how much more happened, but I'm guessing physically as well. Both guys, I found out via email. That.. yeah I'm not proud of. I've sworn to never do something like that again. However, it makes me so frightened that every single guy I will ever be with will have a secret life online. That's why I hate this day in age. But I've also been hurt by other people. Best friends, unrequited love, and most of all, family. A few days ago I had an encounter with some family members that finally woke me up to what was going on. I was being sort of a bitch because I felt I was being attacked, and my defense routine isn't too pleasant. I'm hurt by my best friend of life. The one I love so much.. because he just doesn't seek me out anymore. I'm not the person he always wants to talk to, and I haven't been for quite sometime. I miss being five and being inseparable. I hate having others chosen before me. I want to be number one. It's this damn complex. I don't really feel like I'm anyone's number one. Not his. Not the person I want to be my best friend for all of my life. And I'm not my girl best friend's number one either. No... the person I crave to love me and be my friend forever is her number one. So this is frustrating. So when friends don't choose me first, I guess I just rely on a romantic interest to make me their number one. And I make them mine, my first priority, the person I would save above the rest, my reason. I suppose that's stupid but it always feels like the right thing to do. This part about love turned into a big thing about being deceived and then my issues with it... I am in love. I feel different than in the past. Okay, first "love" I was obsessed. I was involved in something dangerous. The second, I can't even distinguish what was real and what wasn't. There was potential... but I crave oodles of commitment and he craved... well, sex and drugs. And now, I'm not really worried about anything. I trust him, as best as my wounded heart can. It's hard when someone is far away or partying or things like that, where they are interacting with people I don't know and in a state of mind that I haven't seen them in. That's definitely the hard part. But if that's the hardest part, hey I'll take it. I don't feel this need to plan out every step of my future like I have in the past. Instead, I feel more spontaneous. That made be bad since I'm a girl who likes to get tattoos... But I feel like a new adventure is in store just hearing him talk about his day. I'm enthralled with every moment we're together. So this is good. This is healthy. And this is why I cannot sleep. Well, partially. I still have my self-esteem issues. Not so much about my appearance, more about... my intelligence. That is definitely a new one. My intelligence and my capability of being witty (or lack there of, though once a guy told me I was witty, but he wasn't the brightest bulb in the bunch). I get afraid that maybe my retorts and my ideas aren't good enough. I'm afraid that I don't talk as eloquently as others. It makes me vulnerable. It used to be my only insecurity was my stomach... Those were the days. When I thought my personality was just so awesome and I was so talented. Then it was my singing voice as the other insecurity. Ooh that one has really been just about the hardest thing to deal with. But somewhere down the line I started believing that being "me"... everything that I am, that I think about, that I know... is not enough. With friendships, relationships, family, jobs, solos, the school I go to... every single thing, I am not enough for. And now I'm starting to relearn that maybe being me isn't so bad. He... makes me feel good about myself. The things he says to me make me feel like I am the most incredible person in existence. I feel special just being this close to him when not a lot are. Wow, I dwell way too much on this subject. I just covered so many subtopics in this last giant paragraph.

But this is basically my diary. Or basc, like Megan and I would say. Natch. But honestly, these words just need to be out there in the universe. They need to exist somewhere outside of my head.

Crazy.

You know what's weird? I had a huge, blistering, potentially soul-damaging fight with my very great friend. And the aftermath of saying horrid things to each other? I feel closer to her than ever. Life's funny. I suppose saying those snide side thoughts we have about each other and admitting that though we have our faults and we both see them, we're okay, made our friendship grow stronger. We aren't hiding anything. And by telling her I can't accept certain parts of her, I've learned to accept everything. It's the damnedest thing.

Deeedeeedummm.

My friend played me a song
That reminded me why I love you
So I looked up the lyrics
To someday sing it for you

But I'm afraid I'll suck
And you'll try not to laugh when I'm flat
Or sharp or lost on rhythm
Or sound like a dying cat

But maybe I shouldn't try to be perfect
After all this love that we have sure isn't
And I could sing to the tune of being weak in the knees
And how it felt that week when you went away
By the end I'll be humming the sounds you make when you're asleep
To create a heavily flawed song that equals you and me