I don't know what's gotten in to me

But I want to write about my thoughts all the time lately. It's like this blog has become a diary rather than a place to post my work. I really would like to have more to post but... I just don't have the motivation these days.

I'm really excited for my second semester because I'm sure that it'll be better than my first. I'm determined to make some friends. Wow... that doesn't sound like me. But I want them! And I'm so excited for my new classes, they seem great. Here's the trouble though, I have to spend time with someone I'm afraid to spend time with because they broke my trust. I kind of regret making this planned time with them, but there is no way that I can change that. I'm thinking it'll be a good experience for me, though. I think maybe I'll learn the power of FORGIVENESS. Something I have major trouble with. Let's be honest, I'm still mad at Derek and that happened three years ago. I think the universe is really wanting me to finally go through this lesson and actually change my grudge-holding ways. Oh! Better example: I'm still mad at Josh Graber for killing the frog in 2nd grade and then people hated me because they said I was a murderer. >.<

Another subject consuming my thoughts: Tangled. I fucking love this movie. Pardon my curse. But seriously, AMAZING! The mother daughter issues really hit home for me.. The thief/love interest was funny. The horse was awesome. Pascal the chameleon is my favorite. And Rapunzel is simply wonderful. All these characters felt so real to me, and the story played out like music for me. And hey! There was some of that disney music! The love song scene with the lanterns is probably the most fantastic love scene ever made. I adored every moment. This makes me wish my life involved more magic. I want magic to be real. Desperately. I believe so much in fairies, pixie dust, spells, and potions. But... It never turns out like I hope and dream and believe it will. The only magic I've ever known is love, and YES, that is the greatest magic in existence, however, I'm ready for more!

The last thing I want to type out about is what I just mentioned. Love. Ah, love. I'm so in love, I feel like I'm living in a dream. I can't sleep anymore because reality has surpassed my imagination. I'm blissfully naive, constantly in my heart and then my head gets frustrated, and inspired to write music every second. This is such a good feeling. But, I've been hurt. I've been hurt really bad. I've been led to believe that no person truly loves me back, that it's temporary, that they just consider me the best "option" at the time. My past is hard to shake. Not just with guys, overall the guys I've dated haven't been horrible. Yes, one wasn't happy with me for many many months and wanted to leave me when he found out more of my deeper thoughts. Yes, he cheated. But it was so close to when he broke up with me and he wasn't into me at that point. Yet, I will still crazy about him... for all the wrong reasons. Then another, he went away for a while and regressed into this other persona of his. This bad guy. He lied to me constantly. So I started to become interested in someone else and I cheated on him. >.< Still I feel awful. He didn't even care. He wasn't really upset, and now I get why. Our whole relationship was a lie. Maybe some of the earlier moments were okay, like when he first told me he loved me... I didn't think I could ever have a better moment than that. I knew that was real. But he just lied and lied. He mentally cheated for sure, with stranger and my friends, and I'm not exactly sure how much more happened, but I'm guessing physically as well. Both guys, I found out via email. That.. yeah I'm not proud of. I've sworn to never do something like that again. However, it makes me so frightened that every single guy I will ever be with will have a secret life online. That's why I hate this day in age. But I've also been hurt by other people. Best friends, unrequited love, and most of all, family. A few days ago I had an encounter with some family members that finally woke me up to what was going on. I was being sort of a bitch because I felt I was being attacked, and my defense routine isn't too pleasant. I'm hurt by my best friend of life. The one I love so much.. because he just doesn't seek me out anymore. I'm not the person he always wants to talk to, and I haven't been for quite sometime. I miss being five and being inseparable. I hate having others chosen before me. I want to be number one. It's this damn complex. I don't really feel like I'm anyone's number one. Not his. Not the person I want to be my best friend for all of my life. And I'm not my girl best friend's number one either. No... the person I crave to love me and be my friend forever is her number one. So this is frustrating. So when friends don't choose me first, I guess I just rely on a romantic interest to make me their number one. And I make them mine, my first priority, the person I would save above the rest, my reason. I suppose that's stupid but it always feels like the right thing to do. This part about love turned into a big thing about being deceived and then my issues with it... I am in love. I feel different than in the past. Okay, first "love" I was obsessed. I was involved in something dangerous. The second, I can't even distinguish what was real and what wasn't. There was potential... but I crave oodles of commitment and he craved... well, sex and drugs. And now, I'm not really worried about anything. I trust him, as best as my wounded heart can. It's hard when someone is far away or partying or things like that, where they are interacting with people I don't know and in a state of mind that I haven't seen them in. That's definitely the hard part. But if that's the hardest part, hey I'll take it. I don't feel this need to plan out every step of my future like I have in the past. Instead, I feel more spontaneous. That made be bad since I'm a girl who likes to get tattoos... But I feel like a new adventure is in store just hearing him talk about his day. I'm enthralled with every moment we're together. So this is good. This is healthy. And this is why I cannot sleep. Well, partially. I still have my self-esteem issues. Not so much about my appearance, more about... my intelligence. That is definitely a new one. My intelligence and my capability of being witty (or lack there of, though once a guy told me I was witty, but he wasn't the brightest bulb in the bunch). I get afraid that maybe my retorts and my ideas aren't good enough. I'm afraid that I don't talk as eloquently as others. It makes me vulnerable. It used to be my only insecurity was my stomach... Those were the days. When I thought my personality was just so awesome and I was so talented. Then it was my singing voice as the other insecurity. Ooh that one has really been just about the hardest thing to deal with. But somewhere down the line I started believing that being "me"... everything that I am, that I think about, that I know... is not enough. With friendships, relationships, family, jobs, solos, the school I go to... every single thing, I am not enough for. And now I'm starting to relearn that maybe being me isn't so bad. He... makes me feel good about myself. The things he says to me make me feel like I am the most incredible person in existence. I feel special just being this close to him when not a lot are. Wow, I dwell way too much on this subject. I just covered so many subtopics in this last giant paragraph.

But this is basically my diary. Or basc, like Megan and I would say. Natch. But honestly, these words just need to be out there in the universe. They need to exist somewhere outside of my head.