MEET ME AT THE PIGGLY WIGGLY
SCENE ONE:
Setting:
This scene is set in a 3 bedroom ranch-styled home in Middleton, WI, currently in the living room and kitchen.
Time:
July 2009, 2:30 pm
Character Description:
Joey is a strange, obnoxious, nerdy, short and stout boy with bright red hair and many freckles. He is 15 years old and has a best friend, Matt. Matt is 15 as well, however he is shy, nice, intelligent, tall, lean, and normally has brilliantly dark hair. There is also an aggravated jar of peanut butter.
(Matt and Joey are playing videogames in Matt’s living room)
Matt: Hey, I’m getting kind of hungry. Want anything from the kitchen?
Joey: Nah, I just want pizza. Let’s go! I’m thinking Caesars cuz I don’t got a lot of cash…
Matt: Ugh, no. I’m going to make myself a peanut butter sandwich.
Joey: (Say PB not Peanut butter) Another pb sandwich? Seriously, dude. Haven’t you had one everyday for every meal this whole summer? That’s sick.
Matt: There’s just something about this new brand of peanut butter my Mom got from the Piggly Wiggly. (Matt is staring up at the ceiling like he’s looking to the Gods) I crave it all the time. Sometimes, it’s the only thing I can think about. It’s kept me up nights… thinking about that luscious, thick, but creamy peanut butter. I imagine the feeling of it getting stuck on the roof of my mouth... how great it is to go in for that second bite…
Joey: Dude. You gotta get out more… I’m going to walk to Little Caesars... I really don’t think it’s right for me to be here while you are having a love affair with a peanut butter sandwich.
Matt: Whatever, I’ll see ya later, man.
Joey: (While walking out) You know you smell like rotten peanut butter… And you even kinda look like the stuff…
Matt: What?!
Joey: Ya... just look at your hair. It used to be that dark brown color and now it’s all light since you’ve been going psycho for it. And you’re kind of tan even though you haven’t been outside once this summer.
Matt: I think you’re the one who is psycho right now.
Joey: Okay, man…. But when all the ladies see you on the first day of school, they’ll give up their life long crushes and come to Big Papa here… Then you’ll be sorry you didn’t have pizza with me.
(Joey walks out the door. Matt is alone.)
Matt: (To the tune of peanut butter jelly time, singing shout) Peanut butter sandwich time, it’s peanut butter sandwich time!
(Matt gets out bread, butter knife, and of course the peanut butter. Opens the jar and is about to dip in the knife in when the jar of peanut butter attacks and he falls back behind the table… We hear his struggles and the horrendous growl of the peanut butter)
(Joey arrives back soon after, Matt is gone.)
Joey: (said in a female seductive-like voice) Matty matt… Baby, it’s me, your peanut butter sandwich… Oh I’ve been waiting for you all day long. Matty…..?
(Discovers a box sitting on top of the table with an empty jar of peanut butter on top of it. He grabs the jar and throws it off the top. He opens the box and pulls out a card and a butter knife with chunky bits of peanut butter on the end.)
Joey: (reading the card) Meet me at the Piggly Wiggly at midnight. Aisle 7. What the heck? Matt, this is stupid. You aren’t funny…. (Looks around the room and seems to get scared… and then speaks very quietly and politely but with a lot of emotion) I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings when I said all the ladies would want me. You know, it’s difficult, trust me I know. But, buddy, you can get through it. Not everybody is meant to be the bird... some guys have to be the wings… Matty…
(LOUD GROWL)
Joey: EEEEEEK! (Looks TERRIFIED) Matt you aren’t funny! This is a stupid prank, and a stupid box, and a stupid… (Looks at the butter knife like it’s a gigantic sword) scary... knife… covered in stupid… but somehow strangely frightening peanut butter!!! Matt, WHERE ARE YOU? This isn’t funny! You know I have a general anxiety disorder! (Begins hyperventilating and going hysterical flailing his limbs and yelling like crazy in anxiety) AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m hysterical!!! Matty please help me!!! Uhhh uh, I need my inhaler. (Sits to the ground) Uh, ah. Matty…. (Repeats name like he’s a little baby who needs his mom) Matty… ahhh… (Lies down for about 5-8 seconds then bolts head up.)
What if it’s not Matt? What if, what if someone’s got him? (Stand up and paces back and forth fast and awkwardly) I need to call 911! Uh, I uh, I need Sherlock Holmes! (Crying) I need my Mommy!!!! Uh, ah, I need….. *GASP*
Wait. (Says this word with an “I am awesome and smart and mischievous” kind of voice, and with an arch of the eyebrow and hand in “gun” position against his chin to look somewhat reminiscent of James Bond… at least Joey thinks so.)
The card says I’m supposed to meet this bad dude at the Pig, so I’M going to meet this bad dude at the Pig! Yeah! (Fists in the arm in excitement!)
I’ll go save him! And then maybe people will talk to me…. (In a proper tone) in a nice and polite manner… (Back to excited tone) and with lots of compliments like my Mom always said I deserved. YES! Now just… 8.5 hours till midnight. (Stands awkwardly for a while looking at the ceiling then turns and looks at the couch, and sits down and brushes off his pants and folds his hands into his lap. Then he lets out a big sigh. Then he smacks his lips and then begins to make funny noises with his lips/mouth to a blackout. Whole thing should be about 45 seconds in length.)
END SCENE ONE
SCENE TWO:
Setting:
The scene takes place at the Piggly Wiggly in Cross Plains, WI, first outside the building and then inside the building.
Time:
July 2009, 12:00 midnight.
Character Description:
Same characters as before, only now the peanut butter is more developed. The new brand peanut butter (the actual substance, not the jar) is a monster. It comes from one gigantic source in the back room of the Piggly Wiggly, with plans to rule the world by turning people into evil peanut butter minions once they have consumed enough of the monster peanut butter pieces. Also, in this scene Matt is at first an evil peanut butter minion, while Joey is trying to be a hero.
(Joey approaches the Piggly Wiggly and does a stealthy summersault as he approaches the front doors. He sneaks around and is trying to figure out how to scale the building to get in… then he realizes the side door is open and is about to just walk in easily… then does a darting move to the side of the doorway, looks both ways and jumps inside the building.)
(Once inside Joey looks around unsure of what he shall find. He makes his way down the Aisles...)
Joey: Shoot! I forgot what aisle… 4? Was it 4? No. Couldn’t have been 4, I mean, gee, why the heck would it be 4? (Laughing to himself) I know, aisle 5!
(Dashes around the corner to aisle 5 and jumps out to find nothing)
Not aisle 5... not aisle 5… What aisle?!
Voice over intercom: 7
Joey: I think my brain just said 11? Yeah it was 11, wasn’t it?
Voice over intercom: (more irritated and scary) 7!
Joey: No, of course it wasn’t aisle 7… But I’m pretty sure it was 11. Or maybe 10.
Voice over intercom: Aisle 7 you idiot!!
Joey: Idiot... I WOULD NEVER CALL MYSELF AN IDIOT! *GASP* (high pitched scared soft voice and crouched over in fear) …Who said that?
(Joey walks over to aisle 11, then hears a growl over the intercom and remembers to go to aisle 7. Once he rounds the corner of the aisle, he is face to face with a GIANT PEANUT BUTTER MONSTER. Behind the glob of monster is a mass amount of people all with hair and skin color the shade of peanut butter. In front of the monster is Matt, who looks as if he has been possessed)
Joey: Eeeeep. (Squeaky scared noise and then he clears his throat) (Manly sounding) I mean, uh, (unsure sounding) hello?
Monster: Joey… so nice of you to join us. Your friend Matt here is a great recruit. He’s gotten all the girls in your grade here.
Joey: Seriously? I don’t get it. Tall, dark, and handsome… Well at least I don’t turn you into a mindless peanut butter soldier! Why do the nice guys always finish last….?
Monster: Joey!
Joey: AH! Sorry… Uh… (Realizing that this monster doesn’t seem so scary... casually speaks) So whatcha doin’?
Monster: You are a peculiar one for your kind. I generally find you humans all so easy to figure out, but you seem to show no concern for the seriousness of the situation. Perhaps that is due to your other part. I have here 500 people who are completely under my control. You see, that new brand of peanut butter is actually pieces of me. I can regenerate and replenish myself, so I can give any amount of myself away. When you humans consume me, you become a part of me. And the taste is so addictive that it starts to because a need, just like air and water, to have peanut butter. It was my great grandfather who devised this plan, and finally, I shall carry it out!
Joey: What plan?
Monster: To rule the Earth once more! To restore our rightful place!
Joey: (Bursts out laughing) You’re kidding right? I mean, really. C’mon.
Monster: I do not process your humor. I should fill you with terror; we are to take back the planet!
Joey: (Bursts out laughing again) I’m sorry – I just…. (More laughter) Ohhhh man. Okay, now, dude. Be serious.
Monster: ARRRRRRGHHHH! (Joey stops laughing because he is now somewhat scared)
Joey: Wait, you’re serious? But… rule it again? Your place? That would mean…
Monster: Peanut butter creatures ruled the world long before you humans ever existed. Before the dinosaurs, before the plants… (Starts talking more like a proper British gentleman) after the single-cell organisms, though. Obviously, we PB creatures are far more complex than that. (Return to scary bellowing voice) BUT YOU SEE… when we were first introduced to the world, we ruled it for millions and millions of years! But then there was an incident with some extraterrestrials… We tried to take their technology and failed… They buried us into the Earth’s crust as punishment. After an immeasurably long period of time, we were released into the world… Humans had discovered us in the ground. But you humans, you sick humans! You all killed my people, and ate us! Typically on bread or crackers, sometimes with celery, and sometimes with strange things like cookies and pickles… It as disgusting! I won’t even go into what that Skippy business did, but I can’t even close my eyes without seeing that horrible picture in my mind… But all of this is not the point.
Joey: Alrighty then…. What is the point intelligent, scary peanut butter guy?
Monster: The point, Joey, is that we were knocked down from our place and pushed to the lowest level of worth… but now we shall reign again… Thanks to the Piggly Wiggly. (Name said with complete evil and sincerity)
Joey: Oh my goodness, not the Piggly Wiggly (Said with sarcastic fear that the monster doesn’t pick up on)
Monster: Ohhhhh yes!! The Piggly Wiggly! (Evil Laugh while Joey looks around awkwardly)
Joey: (While monster is evil laughing... addressed to Matt, talking as if it’s so simple of a situation to get out of) Eh, Matt... Psst. Wanna go? Buddy? Can you hear me?
Matt: Hummiah shhabba diddle deedle floooop.
Joey: Yeah, yup. I get that. But listen, we gotta go.
Matt: Human…
Joey: That’s right, we’re human. So now that that’s cleared up –
Monster: Oh, young Joey. It’s not that easy.
Joey: Of course it’s not… Why would things ever be easy?
Monster: It’s all a part of the Piggly Wiggly’s scheme. You see this chain of grocery stores wasn’t created for conveyance for the American people, and wasn’t popular because of its entertaining name. Oh no. It’s so much more. This chain was created to sell this specific brand of peanut butter. My brand. You see I was of the noble family, which means I have power beyond belief.
Joey: You mean more unbelievable than the fact that peanut butter monsters used to rule the world and now I’m talking to one that has my best friend in some sort of coma and is telling me I’m trapped and thinks he’s witty when really he’s just kind of a tool?
Monster: I don’t know what this “tool” word is when describing another being, but do not think I won’t find out, young Joey. My powers are beyond belief. And so I can turn you mere humans into my followers. I will take my minions and have them turn against your people. The human race shall die out, killing itself, and we peanut butter creatures will take all the glory. We will be on top again.
Joey: Why haven’t you yet?
Monster: Uh… (Nonscary voice) huh?
Joey: If you have this power beyond belief… why haven’t you taken back your place yet? Why are you in aisle 7 of the Piggly Wiggly talking to an almost-freshman that can’t even have a conversation with a girl?
Monster: We are missing a very important component.
Joey: And what is that?
Monster: You see… there is a prophecy that foretold of the one human that would help us, because this human was of peanut butter descent. This was the chosen one.
Joey: (Sarcastic and annoyed sounding) Uh huh. Well, you have good luck finding that chosen one.
Monster: (Loving voice) Joey.
Joey: (Fake loving voice) Monster.
Monster: You are our chosen one. You are to lead our minions to battle the rest of your race. You will find minions all over. They are all prepared to destroy. We believe in you Joey. The fate of the peanut butter creatures depends on you.
Joey: Chosen one? Like… (In British accent) Harry Potter?
Monster: Harry who?
Joey: (British accent) I’m Harry Potter! ‘Ello ladies. I’m here to save the human race.
Monster: No! No not the humans. The peanut butter creatures. Joey, you must not side with the human race. If you do, it breaks our agreement with the higher beings to be released.
Joey: You’re saying that I choose whether or not I want to save the humans or the peanut butter freaky things?
Monster: Joey, before you doom us all... I must warn you. So you choose to save the humans, you yourself will become fully human.
Joey: I am fully human.
Monster: No, Joey. You have red hair, pale skin, and freckles.
Joey: You just had to pull the ginger thing.
Monster: No, Joey. Every human that has those features is of peanut butter descent. Those people will all lose those characteristics and become like the others. They will lose that part of their heritage and the peanut butter creatures will be gone from this world for good!
Joey: That means…!
Monster: No more gingers. No more peanut butter sandwiches. Are you prepared to face a world like that?
Joey: Oh my… (Joey is happy about this, but the monster doesn’t pick up on that)
Monster: And if you save the peanut butter creatures, King Joey… you will have all you ever dreamed of.
Joey: But I’ll still look like this and have no girlfriend?
Monster: No. You will look like me!
(Joey gives disgusted face)
And yeah, probably still no girlfriend. That’s a hard one to just make happen, kid.
Joey: Okay, okay. First things first... unleash my best friend. Then we can talk about saving your race.
Monster: Then what’s the point of unleashing your friend?
Joey: (Cry voice) I just know that this is the way he would have wanted to go…
Monster: Yes, wise, young Joey.
(Matt is hit with a force that makes him turn to normal with paler skin and dark gorgeous hair. He is functioning normally… and then he falls to the ground to sleep and begins to snore)
Monster: The whole minion process is a tiring one.
Joey: Understandable. Now how do I go about finalizing this decision?
Monster: I shall call upon the higher ups now.
OOOOOOOOOOOOHWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH!
Joey: (to himself) That is the amazing call to the higher up guys… really?
(The roof to the Piggly Wiggly comes off the store and there is a spaceship above the place. A beam is placed over Joey. It’s extremely loud and the wind is very fast all around them)
Monster: TELL THEM!
Joey: I WANT TO SAVE… (Pauses and itches his eye and makes pained sounds) SORRY! I GOT A BUG IN MY EYE! MUST BE THE WIND! WHAT WAS I SAYING?
Monster: TELL THEM JOEY! BEFORE THEY LEAVE!
Joey: OH YEAH… (Awkward laugh) I WANT TO SAVE THE HUMAN RACE!!
Monster: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(BAM noise and everything changes)
END SCENE TWO
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