I hate you

Men. Okay, not all men. But this is specifically to the guys who don't think their girlfriend is the best girl around. The guys who think she is the best OPTION.

No, I'm not saying that I'm in this particular situation. Not at all, actually. But these men, these stupid men, make me paranoid that I am.

Why be with someone if you think "hmm, I guess I'd rather be with someone else, but that person doesn't like me, so this is fine." SERIOUSLY. WTF?

Oh and the worst, those that trade for someone hotter. Looks shouldn't matter that much, dude. I've had guys text me that say, "Man, I wish my girlfriend looked like you. Any chance we could hook up sometime." And you know what, every guy that has hit on me who has a girlfriend and I know that girl's name... I've told the girl about it. And everytime, the guy says to me, "We're on a break." And EVERYTIME, the girl has been completely shocked and devastated. FUCK YOU, men who do this.

Maybe it's just part of that male brain I'll never understand. I just think that in general, men don't hold women so close to their hearts as we do for them.

It kind of sucks.

Maybe I'm Ridiculous

But a little romance never killed anyone. I'm desperate for a "swept off my feet" moment that "takes my breath away." I don't care how much people don't believe in love anymore. I hate sitting here working on this cutesy present realizing that I'm one of those people who believe every love song means it lasted forever and every Disney story is as true as the sky is blue.

I love grand gestures. I love showing someone you love them, because sometimes no matter how often you say it, it doesn't come across. I've written out 500 things I love about someone in the past. I've written songs. I've let them in to all the dark places of my mind. I've let them in to my heart and they knew it.

Now my heart is still there. It broke once, and I had to piece it together. Another time it was violently scratched, I wasn't sure it was going to make it. But, alas, the scars of old wounds still visible, but my heart is intact. In fact, I don't have it right now. I gave it away again. No matter the hurt that keeps coming, I don't hold onto it. I'm hoping to gain another in return, actually. In the past all I've gotten is bits and pieces, and I must say I'm ready for the whole thing.

I like courtship. I like the idea of love seeming like a prize rather than a game or even a burden. I like the idea of being someone's everything. That's why I live my life that way... love is first. Always. It's unconditional. It's unfaltering. I'm working on making it last forever.

I scream for some silence.

I don't understand. I have all these people I see so often. They say they care so much about me, and I return the sentiment. I say I love them. But yet here I am, crying, and feeling that I'm not close with anyone. I have certain people I contacted, told them I'm upset. Yet, I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

Honestly, in this moment I don't understand why anyone would even give me anything. Why would they offer love or acceptance to a low-life like me? I'm pathetic.

I want to shower off my bad qualities. I want to scrape at my skin until I see bone.
I want to get out of this place. The literal surroundings and the figurative state of mind.

My sister told me to scream today since I've never done it. I couldn't.
No one can help me but me. I'm fucked.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepyyyyyyyyyy

I'm awake, and a bit delirious. I can't sleep. I can't just fucking sleep. I'd give anything to be able to.

I'm not sure why exactly, this has been happening to me all break. Weird sleeping patterns with work at first seemed to be the trouble, but I'm finding that's not the case. I'm back to the point where I can't sleep at night because I'm too anxious and scared. I can only sleep when the sun is up. Which is why I am laying here in bed with my light on, waiting for the sun to come up until I can finally close my eyes.

Earlier, I think I saw a ghost. I asked that it doesn't return. That it finds peace. I'm not sure if I believe in ghosts. But it was there.

I believe I only have to lie awake uncertain and afraid for another hour or two, then I'll be able to sleep for maybe 4 or 5 hours before I'm supposed to be awake. Hmm. Maybe more like 3.

I've always been this way. I slept in my parent's bed/bedroom until I was 14. That's rather ridiculous. But I can't handle it. Just the fact that I am completely dependent upon the light inside because outside can't help me out is scary. The idea of anything paranormal is freaky. The little noises you can never pick up on during the day time are just obnoxious.

I expect my life to carry on this way until someday I can share a bed with someone. I can't wait for that. Last year my sister and I actually shared a queen size bed, and it was great. I can sleep soundly when I'm in another's company. Well, I take that back. In certain people's company. For some reason Sonny's doesn't really help. That's probably because I'm so protective of him.

The plows are outside now, which I don't understand because I didn't think it snowed. They help a little. Not much.

I just realized something. There's high school tomorrow. And my Dad works. And my Mom does daycare. Everyone will be awake soon. That also helps me sleep. Other people are awake and there to protect. I feel so vulnerable when I'm unconscious, and it's nice to know that someone could look out for me while I'm impaired.

Okay. This sucks. But it needs to suck. Life is always about balance, in my opinion. And I'm an expert. If lots of things are going fantastic, you need a bit of sucky chaos. It's just so you don't go thinking you're better than anyone else, you're life is too perfect, or that there really is such a thing as happiness without suffering. Right now, my life is great. My reality is better than my dreams. I love my friends. I love my family. I love writing. I love singing. I love Sohrab. I feel loved in return... So of course, I can't be too greedy. I can't ask for these night terrors to cease. I can't ask for rational thinking or logical reasoning. I can't ask for anything more when everything else is so wonderful.

Instead, I have to withstand my own suffering, just like everyone else. This inability to sleep is one part. The self-consciousness is another. The lack of a better childhood. Not going to the college I wanted. Not living where I should. Addiction to cutting. Hatred for food and love for food. Need to be different. Lack of musical talent. And multiple people I believe are there just to bring me down.

I'll be okay. I'm just tired.

What the hell?

I never do this. I never make resolutions. But let's do this in list format, shall we? Yes, we shall. It seems to be the only way I actually accomplish something.

1. I am allotted one soda every time I come home from college starting Jan. 17, and before then I can have up to one soda a day while I'm on winter break. Trust me, this is kind of crazy for me to propose.
2. EXERCISE! Seriously! Start running on campus, well... when it's warm. There is a treadmill downstairs at my current home. Plenty of gyms around. Take all those free dance classes. DO IT!
3. Get flexible again. Remember, splits all three ways? Well now you only have one. Lame. Fix.
4. Learn to play guitar... Yeah this basically will change my future.
5. Attempt to befriend people at college. I know this seems difficult, but I have faith.
6. Write your god damn book. Yeah, I'm fucking talking down to you here, Brittany. You need to do this already.
7. Get tattoos. I'm allowed to get them, because they make me so happy. I just realized I'm using both third, second, and first person in this post. Way to go me.
8. Leave facebook alone.
9. Take more pictures. You're surprisingly good at it.
10. I need to stop hating myself because I don't look and act a certain way, with a certain voice and a certain laugh. I need to learn that every part of me is beautiful just the way I am.

2011

Sonny's going to flip when he gets his secret santa gift. No, I'm not the one giving him a gift. But I know who it is and what they got and it's nifty.

I have so little time to prepare my romantic gift to be given very soon. On January 12th actually. I'm excited. I hope it'll be good.

>.< I happy.

This post is pointless. It merely exists because I want to post something, not because I have something really amazing to say.


Oh yeah, I almost forgot...
IT'S 2011! This is the year. This is my time. So far it's been a great introduction into the new year, minus a kiss at midnight. I'm so excited for magic to occur this year! OH and I'm wearing my lucky underwear. Good thoughts.

>.< I repeat, I happy.

Gonna make, make it ri-i-ight

Starting tomorrow... err.. today... the path to happiness, confidence, and brilliance.

I'm keeping a food diary to make sure I don't have anything too unhealthy or embarrassed to actually admit to. I need to change my diet so I don't have a damn heart attack from energy drinks.

I'm also going to write something I like about myself and something awesome that happened every single day, and something to improve on. This way I can help really analyze and help myself at the same time.

I want to really make a change.