Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepyyyyyyyyyy

I'm awake, and a bit delirious. I can't sleep. I can't just fucking sleep. I'd give anything to be able to.

I'm not sure why exactly, this has been happening to me all break. Weird sleeping patterns with work at first seemed to be the trouble, but I'm finding that's not the case. I'm back to the point where I can't sleep at night because I'm too anxious and scared. I can only sleep when the sun is up. Which is why I am laying here in bed with my light on, waiting for the sun to come up until I can finally close my eyes.

Earlier, I think I saw a ghost. I asked that it doesn't return. That it finds peace. I'm not sure if I believe in ghosts. But it was there.

I believe I only have to lie awake uncertain and afraid for another hour or two, then I'll be able to sleep for maybe 4 or 5 hours before I'm supposed to be awake. Hmm. Maybe more like 3.

I've always been this way. I slept in my parent's bed/bedroom until I was 14. That's rather ridiculous. But I can't handle it. Just the fact that I am completely dependent upon the light inside because outside can't help me out is scary. The idea of anything paranormal is freaky. The little noises you can never pick up on during the day time are just obnoxious.

I expect my life to carry on this way until someday I can share a bed with someone. I can't wait for that. Last year my sister and I actually shared a queen size bed, and it was great. I can sleep soundly when I'm in another's company. Well, I take that back. In certain people's company. For some reason Sonny's doesn't really help. That's probably because I'm so protective of him.

The plows are outside now, which I don't understand because I didn't think it snowed. They help a little. Not much.

I just realized something. There's high school tomorrow. And my Dad works. And my Mom does daycare. Everyone will be awake soon. That also helps me sleep. Other people are awake and there to protect. I feel so vulnerable when I'm unconscious, and it's nice to know that someone could look out for me while I'm impaired.

Okay. This sucks. But it needs to suck. Life is always about balance, in my opinion. And I'm an expert. If lots of things are going fantastic, you need a bit of sucky chaos. It's just so you don't go thinking you're better than anyone else, you're life is too perfect, or that there really is such a thing as happiness without suffering. Right now, my life is great. My reality is better than my dreams. I love my friends. I love my family. I love writing. I love singing. I love Sohrab. I feel loved in return... So of course, I can't be too greedy. I can't ask for these night terrors to cease. I can't ask for rational thinking or logical reasoning. I can't ask for anything more when everything else is so wonderful.

Instead, I have to withstand my own suffering, just like everyone else. This inability to sleep is one part. The self-consciousness is another. The lack of a better childhood. Not going to the college I wanted. Not living where I should. Addiction to cutting. Hatred for food and love for food. Need to be different. Lack of musical talent. And multiple people I believe are there just to bring me down.

I'll be okay. I'm just tired.