Bee Yourself.

Tell her the..
TRUTH!

We live in a stupid world. Well, I think so.

The most fun people have at my age.... is when they party.
Do they realize how superficial that is? Drinking takes you to a different state of mind... one that isn't what you're given. It's fake. It fades. Being at a party surrounded by people all having fun in their altered states of mind. It's fake. It fades.

I'd rather have something to come home to than all these friends and all these drunken tales. I'd rather live in a less elevated reality than confuse those moments with what is true.

Yes, I'm judgmental. Yes, I hate that I am. But why was I given judgment if I can't be judgmental? I only hate that I have these opinions because they are different from what a lot of people I know think. Well, damn it. I'm going to stay me. I'm going to live for me. I'm not going to compromise my beliefs for anyone.

If that makes me harsh, stuck-up, or close-minded... I'm sorry. But I won't change. I don't want to change. I like myself the way I am.


On another note, I really want to be in a band. It'd be fun to be a lead singer. Schmer.

What am I missing?

Why does this always happen to me?
Probably because I'm on this quest for something unattainable...
but my thirst for perfection is never quenched.
I'm after something phenomenal.. fame, fortune, great marriage, great kids, and complete self-fulfillment.
That just isn't realistic.

Besides, I'm in college. I should slow down. Why do I want this stuff now? I'm a kid. I'm 19. I'm still a freaking teenager.

But I want it all. I want to get out of here, away from the middle of no where. I hate the midwest. I hate feeling average.

What do I do?

****************************************************************************

The world keeps turning as we burn our time away...
When the curtain calls, and the coffin falls, will there be anything to say?

Come on, touch me. Show me you're imperfect, too.

The sockets where I could once see,
give way to the emptiness of my dreams
and the abyss of thoughts slowly killing me.

The fear shows the truth can cut like a knife,
violently shredding everything inside,
and the blood leaves me without essence to breathe.

All I hear are these voices,
silently screaming, begging, pleading
Dying for more than this perpetual nothing
sealed with a kiss

You color my eyes red, your love's not alive.

Somehow life got complex in a matter of a day.

I thought I was secure in my standing with everyone... and then I had this dream.
I dreamt that I was to die for all my sins. I learned how certain people felt about me by their reactions to the news. Most were surprising, in both good and bad ways. Some didn't seem to care, some looked for sympathy rather than were actually upset about my upcoming death, and some were devastated.

This dream sparked a series of questions in my mind that has left me utterly confused.

I just want to hear that I'm worth more than I think I am. I want to find out that everything I'm worried about is wrong. I want everything to be perfect.

Yeah, that's a lot to ask for I guess.

JA:FJKS:DJFWEO:J:KSF I hate these blogs where I just post my feelings! My vague ideas about what I'm truly upset about. This is stupid! This should be a place for work. For actually decent pieces of literature rather than these ramblings.

Mrow.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This world is filled with people just like you.
Some people who hide behind their words, some afraid to move.
One day that poison you take will catch up to you.
One day you'll make a mistake and I won't fix it for you.

Boy Meets World

This is the best show ever. Yes. But I just watched an episode that made me so angry...

Cory and Topanga were stuck in a "rut"... also known as... viewers didn't respond to it the way the network wanted.

But anyway, Cory agrees to go to a dance with Shawn and someone calls him Shawn and he doesn't say anything. So he dances and flirts with all these girls and doesn't mention until Shawn has him look for this french girl that he feel uncomfortable doing this with a girlfriend.

But BEHOLD! He sees the french girl grab a guys hand to dance and she turns and it's Topanga! She was there pretending to be a french student and dancing with guys and being ogled over.

Call me old fashioned... but this is so wrong. Yeah they end up breaking up which is good... but still, they were both kind of cheating. I mean yeah they weren't making out with someone but they were actively pursuing people they find attractive to dance with at a party and be close to.. I think that's cheating. I'm sad my favorite show acted like it wasn't a big deal.

It's 7:15 am and I haven't slept yet. Schmer. I'm not even tired. All nighter? Probably going to just get up soon.

But basically I wanted to say... romance and relationships shouldn't be games. It should be serious and important. It should be a priority. It should be trusting. Why is the media *not just Boy Meets World from the 90s* promoting otherwise?

Ten Things

So I was reading cosmopolitan.. and there was this article about that new blonde guy with the big mouth from Glee on what are ten things he thinks all girls should know and understand about guys. Well, I was thoroughly dissatisfied with his list since a lot of things were stuff that applies to bimbos and not actual women... and also because he was being a sexist ass. But.. it inspired to make my own list... of ten things I think men should know and understand about SOME women, not all of them would agree... but mainly this derives from my personal feelings.

1. Just because we tell you nothing is wrong and tonight isn't the night to talk about it or any other excuse... doesn't mean you should stop prying. We want to feel like you're fighting for us and that you're completely interested and genuinely care. So we test you. We push you annoyingly far and you're supposed to still be there asking what can I do to make it better? That's how we want it to work.

2. Don't compliment another girl without complimenting us first. At prom, my date told my friend she looked great but never told me that I did. Yeah, that stings. However if it's complimenting some celebrity chick on tv, that's fine... we agree. But don't compliment some girl right in front of us without making it known that we're great, too. It makes us feel threatened, and nobody likes feeling inadequate.

3. We get that you don't have to put a "label" on things, but we want to. Why? Well why don't you want to put a label on it? Guys say oh we've got a good thing going, lets not ruin it, it's just a tag not what we have. Well if the label is so insignificant, why do you care if we use it? Schmer. This one ties into number 4.

4. Facebook official doesn't make the relationship official, but not agreeing to be recognized as a couple on a major social networking site with no valid reason gives us cause for concern. Yeah, we get that it's just facebook, but if it's not a big deal why aren't you comfortable being listed as together? Yes, we trust you. But that doesn't mean we understand why you're against it.

5. We pry into your emotions and life because we want to understand you. To us it's not asking for too much to know how you feel.. It's asking to know you and see where you are coming from when you say and do certain things.

6. We totally want sex just as bad as you do... but we like the kissing, too. And the foreplay. So why rush straight to the deed when there is other fun to be had?

7. Don't assume if we are moody that it's our "time." Seriously. This has happened to me before and I was moody because I found out he was texting another girl he loved her... Not because it was my "time." When there is a problem, you should just be direct and ask. Don't think you know everything going on in our heads.

8. We like some creativity. When it comes to gifts, we'd rather have something thoughtful than expensive. Oh and little surprises? Those are fantastic! Little gifts or displays of love make us feel special, wanted, and swept off our feet. It's nice to get back a little of what you give.

9. It's great to try and befriend our family. Just because we may hate brother Bob or our mother at the moment doesn't mean that you shouldn't say hi to them when addressed. You're a separate person, you have separate battles.

10. And finally, don't toss around the three important words that cohesively make a very important sentence. You know the one. I love you. Do not say these words without meaning them. If you don't mean them and say them, you end up hurting us. Bad.

I feel catty when I can't sleep

Also, I do realize how young I am these days. I realize how stupid I am, too. And the fact that I call myself stupid makes me seem more young and self-loathing. Ugh, it's can't win battle.

Still, I thank whatever in the hell gave me the experiences I've had. I've gone through some strange events... I've been to the moon and back in my mind. I've almost left this place. I think I learned a lot in my nineteen years of life. I've learned the kind of people to trust, yet I still put my trust in those I know will break it. I know a lot about sex, its power, its good traits, its bad traits, etc. I've witnessed the power of drugs and alcohol on people, even in very dangerous ways. I've felt, seen, heard, and smelt death. Haven't quite tasted it. I've felt heartbreak, that I'm most grateful for. I've been harassed. I've made some huge mistakes. I've torn apart lives and broken people. I've treated myself with no respect. I have had all these moments that have added up into this person who lives their life as I do.

Some people in my life haven't really experienced as much as they wish. Some people in my life haven't recognized their issues, their demons, or their faults. Then again, I'm a person who drowns in those. That's no good either.

Now there is so much I haven't experienced. Not having parents. Not having a place to sleep, though I've been through that based on choice. And because I'm planning some pretty risky moves in the future I may experience not having the financial capability to have a place to sleep. I have had a few tough financial problems because my parents prioritize their money poorly. Oh I have definitely learned NOT to get a credit card. I've also learned that spending money equates to happiness... a hard lesson to undo. I've grown up with it but I can still shake it. It's more that I don't really want to shake it, because if I do want to, I certainly would.

Shmeep. Oh these over-tired thoughts. It's 5:13 am, and I am so tired. I wish I could sleep.

My brother Derrick claims I act like I know everything and I will argue everything. That's probably true. But hey, I know that I don't know shit. I know that there are some subjects that I can say I know a bit about. I know there are some people I can say I know more about just life than them. However, I know that I don't know almost everything. I know so little it shouldn't even count. And he's right that I will argue with people, I've learned that from standing up to my parents. I never shut up and take anything. EVER. If I disagree or if I feel that someone needs to see another side, I speak. It's hard with my parents because my mom will say how bad people with tattoos are or how its so horrible not to believe in Jesus... and how do you get someone to be accepting of another view? She can think that sure but when her own daughter has tattoos and doesn't believe in Christianity, you would think she'd try to at least understand why I think and feel the way I do. She doesn't. She insults it and shuts it out. I'm afraid I'll be like her. I'm afraid I'm already her. Schmer.




I'd rather be drowning than stuck in the shallow water.