Also, I do realize how young I am these days. I realize how stupid I am, too. And the fact that I call myself stupid makes me seem more young and self-loathing. Ugh, it's can't win battle.
Still, I thank whatever in the hell gave me the experiences I've had. I've gone through some strange events... I've been to the moon and back in my mind. I've almost left this place. I think I learned a lot in my nineteen years of life. I've learned the kind of people to trust, yet I still put my trust in those I know will break it. I know a lot about sex, its power, its good traits, its bad traits, etc. I've witnessed the power of drugs and alcohol on people, even in very dangerous ways. I've felt, seen, heard, and smelt death. Haven't quite tasted it. I've felt heartbreak, that I'm most grateful for. I've been harassed. I've made some huge mistakes. I've torn apart lives and broken people. I've treated myself with no respect. I have had all these moments that have added up into this person who lives their life as I do.
Some people in my life haven't really experienced as much as they wish. Some people in my life haven't recognized their issues, their demons, or their faults. Then again, I'm a person who drowns in those. That's no good either.
Now there is so much I haven't experienced. Not having parents. Not having a place to sleep, though I've been through that based on choice. And because I'm planning some pretty risky moves in the future I may experience not having the financial capability to have a place to sleep. I have had a few tough financial problems because my parents prioritize their money poorly. Oh I have definitely learned NOT to get a credit card. I've also learned that spending money equates to happiness... a hard lesson to undo. I've grown up with it but I can still shake it. It's more that I don't really want to shake it, because if I do want to, I certainly would.
Shmeep. Oh these over-tired thoughts. It's 5:13 am, and I am so tired. I wish I could sleep.
My brother Derrick claims I act like I know everything and I will argue everything. That's probably true. But hey, I know that I don't know shit. I know that there are some subjects that I can say I know a bit about. I know there are some people I can say I know more about just life than them. However, I know that I don't know almost everything. I know so little it shouldn't even count. And he's right that I will argue with people, I've learned that from standing up to my parents. I never shut up and take anything. EVER. If I disagree or if I feel that someone needs to see another side, I speak. It's hard with my parents because my mom will say how bad people with tattoos are or how its so horrible not to believe in Jesus... and how do you get someone to be accepting of another view? She can think that sure but when her own daughter has tattoos and doesn't believe in Christianity, you would think she'd try to at least understand why I think and feel the way I do. She doesn't. She insults it and shuts it out. I'm afraid I'll be like her. I'm afraid I'm already her. Schmer.
I'd rather be drowning than stuck in the shallow water.
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