Life as of... this moment.

I lack the inspiration to keep writing fiction lately because real life is plaguing me. Honestly, I think the way I was raised is beginning to affect my life in a very negative way. I have realized that I'm not very open and I'm not very forgiving. These are two traits I believe are important to possess.

I wish we lived in a world that didn't function the way ours does. That people were confident enough to be social without having to be impaired. Has anyone else in this world also thought... hey, that's kinda lame? Because I'm stepping up here and saying it is.

I think... I need to get away. I need to go somewhere secluded where I can reevaluate my life and focus on being a writer. I can't wait to go to spain. I can't wait to accomplish all that I want to do and actually feel proud of myself.

Right now, everything is pretty sucky. The past keeps reaching after me as the future isn't fulfilling me. It's hard when you have someone who knows you, knows what you need, knows what you want, and then you have someone who doesn't get it. You try and get the attention of one but when they aren't there... all you want to do is turn back to what's familiar and treats you right. Well, that's lame. That's worse than having to be impaired to be social. Having to have someone makes me feel like a failure.

Dooo dooo dooo doo.

My main goals right now:

*Drop down to a size 3 at least, size 1 if I feel it's possible, but I think my bones aren't even that small. I want to be in terrific shape, which is why I have already set up a diet and exercise plan for myself so I can feel good health wise and feel good about the way I look. About freakin' time.

*Stop saying the phrase legit, because it's stupid. Damn it, it catches on though.

*Learn how to be a good student and get good grades. Especially in Spanish, I'm so nervous for that class.

*Learn how to instruct dance!

*Stop wasting money. That's going to be the hardest one. I like buying new piercings, tattoos, clothes, etc.

*Get my book down by my sister's birthday, March 10th. I just have to.

Frarrrrr.

So I'm okay. I'm not great, I'm not even good I would say. I'm definitely not bad in any way, not even a little. I'm right on the dotted line.
I know that this is an adjustment and people change once they start a new life, it's all a matter of getting use to growing up. Problem is, I'm more into the grown up that my sister and brother are (30 and 27, respectively) rather the college kid version. College I suppose is more a time for trial and error, and I suppose I want to fast forward to the place where people actually have a clue.

Uhm.?

I'm working on designing my next tattoo, it's going to be a dragon down my left ankle on the outside. I'm very excited about it. Of course it'll be all black.. I will never get a color tattoo.

My next piercing is an industrial on my left ear. That should be neato.

My next hair change is going to be a red streak on the right side behind my bangs.

I don't know why I'm writing about this, it's so irrelevant to everything... but it's my blog so I DO WHAT I WANT.


I feel so completely weird right now I can't even fully describe it. So I won't.

My New Fictional Story

I'm writing a story about a girl named Blake Slate, who decides to change her perception of her life. Should be interesting if I write it well...

It's on my new blog:

thestarswillguideyou.blogspot.com

I think from now on anything fictional will be there!

:D

Let Us Linger Here A While In The Foolishness Of Things

I want to be beautiful. Not like... Oh wow, your spirit is radiant and your heart is kind... beautiful.
I want to be beautiful. I want to be striking.

It's so ridiculous, letting something like physical appearance dominate how you feel about yourself. I can't help it, it's the way I was raised.

People have told me I'm beautiful, as every person should get to experience that. But I feel this is a custom, I feel that's it's just lies and slander being whispered to me.

Today my brother said to me, "Every time you say you don't like the way you look, I am so confused. You're pretty. You're beautiful, you always look great because that's what you are. A pretty girl."

And his words should've meant something, right? But they didn't. All I could feel was disgust when I looked in the mirror.

Maybe it's not that I was to be found beautiful by other people. I want to be my own unique type of beauty that I find extraordinary. Maybe I already am but I'm too blinded by insecurity to see myself. To see that maybe.. I do think I'm beautiful.

I hope I believe it someday.

**********************************************************************************

I'm sick of friendships that aren't meaningful. I only want strictly awesome amazing people I really connect well with in my life from now on. I'm so ready for college, for starting something completely new. However, I'm holding onto the people and parts of myself that I love and matter most to me. I don't feel like that's a bad thing, even if people say you shouldn't go to college attached. Now generally that's directed towards relationships, but think about it... There are so many other things to be attached to, and I personally am attached to soda, tv, sleeping, and expensive clothes way more than I should be. Those things definitely will hold me back more than a love interest ever would. I think my love life makes the world brighter, and as long as I'm happy I'd like to continue with it. I think that soda is unhealthy and I should let go of that one. I think tv is a distraction but grey's and glee are worth it. I think sleeping is essential. The expensive clothes... haven't bought any yet and don't plan on buying them until I make millions being awesome at the things I love to do. So... that's how I feel about life right now. Life is going places, I don't feel I'm at any sort of destination.. and that's okay. There is no destination.

The One.

I want to be the one.
The one girl that you just can't live without.
I want to be the girl that you brag to everyone about because you just feel so lucky to have her.
The one girl that your family and friends adore.
I want to be the one you can picture a future with.
The one girl that means everything.

Give me a chance to be her.

Book idea?

My whole life I craved magic. I read books and watched movies and sung melodies that carried the presence of mystery, paranormal, and fairy tale. I fell victim to thinking my life would never been as amazing as a wizard's, a mermaid's, or a sorceror's. I begged the universe to grant me powers, I asked a fictional God to give me clearity on my purpose.

Nothing happened.

But my dreams... my dreams are more vivid than my actual life. My dreams were powerful, exhillarting, and MAGICAL. Every night I had adventures, always in a Saga format. One feature length film at a time, all in succession. Those around me said there dreams didn't follow the same pattern. Apparently they had a random happening every time they fell asleep, nothing ever made sense.

Something happened.

It dawned on me, that perhaps my perception of what was dreaming and what was reality is flipped. That maybe someone in my "dream" life doesn't want me to know that it was all real. Somehow I was tricked into believing that this average life of mundane activity and endless, unfulfilled desires is everything.

I think I'm trapped.

Part 4: Fast forward

Turn the page. A new life, a new beginning, a seemingly new me. Here I was in a new town, trying accept that this is what I have become. I sat in the front row of my Biology class, as I did in most of my classes because alphabetical order was a torture device. I wanted to be in the back, where I wouldn't feel people staring at the back of my head. I hated attention, but I needed it. I needed to be noticed, to be important, to be special. I couldn't believe it myself, so maybe hundreds of burning eyes in one school day would be enough to give me a wake up call. One can only dream.

My teacher seemed to relate to football more than biology. We were talking about evolution, something I was hesistant to learn about. Many ideas of evolution conflict with creationism, and I wanted to stay lost in that day dream. I didn't want to question what I have been given. A few wise cracks from jocks would interrupt the teaching session, and then Mr. D, I suppose he only felt he deserved one letter of his last name uttered, would continue on a rant about football strategies. Kill me.

One boy near me was very smart. I could tell because he knew everything before Mr. D explained it. He got this look on his face that said, I know the answer, come on, CHALLENGE me. I was determined to do better than him this whole semester. I wanted to be the smartest. I was used to being the smartest. A series of small towns and small schools can do that to a person. But now, in a school with 2000 beings I didn't care to meet, I knew that it would be much more difficult to be the best.