I want to be beautiful. Not like... Oh wow, your spirit is radiant and your heart is kind... beautiful.
I want to be beautiful. I want to be striking.
It's so ridiculous, letting something like physical appearance dominate how you feel about yourself. I can't help it, it's the way I was raised.
People have told me I'm beautiful, as every person should get to experience that. But I feel this is a custom, I feel that's it's just lies and slander being whispered to me.
Today my brother said to me, "Every time you say you don't like the way you look, I am so confused. You're pretty. You're beautiful, you always look great because that's what you are. A pretty girl."
And his words should've meant something, right? But they didn't. All I could feel was disgust when I looked in the mirror.
Maybe it's not that I was to be found beautiful by other people. I want to be my own unique type of beauty that I find extraordinary. Maybe I already am but I'm too blinded by insecurity to see myself. To see that maybe.. I do think I'm beautiful.
I hope I believe it someday.
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I'm sick of friendships that aren't meaningful. I only want strictly awesome amazing people I really connect well with in my life from now on. I'm so ready for college, for starting something completely new. However, I'm holding onto the people and parts of myself that I love and matter most to me. I don't feel like that's a bad thing, even if people say you shouldn't go to college attached. Now generally that's directed towards relationships, but think about it... There are so many other things to be attached to, and I personally am attached to soda, tv, sleeping, and expensive clothes way more than I should be. Those things definitely will hold me back more than a love interest ever would. I think my love life makes the world brighter, and as long as I'm happy I'd like to continue with it. I think that soda is unhealthy and I should let go of that one. I think tv is a distraction but grey's and glee are worth it. I think sleeping is essential. The expensive clothes... haven't bought any yet and don't plan on buying them until I make millions being awesome at the things I love to do. So... that's how I feel about life right now. Life is going places, I don't feel I'm at any sort of destination.. and that's okay. There is no destination.
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