Maybe there should be another word that means just as much

"You don't want to know."
I gazed off into the starry space above me. The uncovered ceiling chilled the atmosphere of the room. My nerves tickled my tongue, which I then bit to keep form speaking too soon.
I was waiting for him.

"Please? It's not like it's going to change my opinion of you. Or us." He tilted his head down to nuzzle me with the tip of his nose. He playfully tugged on my hair and continued to scratch my scalp.
He was good at egging me on.

I pulled my face towards his and lightly pressed my lips to his cheek.
"Maaaaybe..." I began with uncertainty. "Uh, I don't know," I giggled in frustration.
I felt him become more engaged.

"Come on..." His fingers traced my shoulder blade, down the small of my back. He could see my teeth flash in the darkness.
"...Yes?" He smiled.

"Okay," I laughed. "You just... make me feel things I'm too young to feel."
"What do you mean?"

I shifted. "Like... okay, now, for instance. All I can think of, all I can dream of is forever. I see the moment we decide that we're all each other needs. I see not only tomorrow but the day after, until there aren't anymore. Do you know what I mean? You're my person. You're the one I want to want me for as long as I'm alive."

There was a brief silence from him as I caught my breath from my previously strangling words.
I tightened my arms that were already wrapped around him, and in return, he kissed me.

But he didn't just kiss me. It was different. It wasn't typical, nor typically atypical.
This kiss was real. Emotions entangled and desire beyond our years erupted and all of it was genuine.
I felt him.


And I took this to be his way of telling me that I was his person, too.

Awake

I'm still awake.
And at this time, I'm afraid that I'll never understand unless I join the party.
Maybe all I have to do is take back a few drinks and socialize with people I never care to record to memory..
Because then I'll get it.
Then maybe my heart will stop hurting whenever people I love do the same thing.
Then maybe I'll see it's not what I thought.
Then maybe it'll be okay.


But this is just a thought.

I really, really, want one person to read my blog. I hope they do. I hope they avidly follow along and are captivated. Or concerned. Or pleased. I hope they feel something.

Dear World

This writing thing... isn't natural for me. Though it is easier than breathing.
I don't know what I'm meant to do. Probably because no one is meant to do anything. I'm stuck believing I have a reason. It's a shame, really.
I did find that my reality was better than my dreams this last weekend. It gave me hope. That I'm on the right track. But even the closest I get to perfection is just shy, and there's room for improvement.
When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be a singer. I filmed myself yelling away paparazzi, having interviews about my latest album, and singing every word that popped into my head. Back then, no thought was needed. I just was, I just was.
I want that back. That fire, that drive. That knowing, that love. I lost it when I was 12. I remember the exact moment. I remember being discouraged.
I may not be the most talented writer, singer, designer, dancer, actress, model, artist, dreamer... But if I just had the confidence, maybe I could do something with it.
Maybe I could just be, I could just be.

And I'll peel away the old label, the one that says "Best if used by," hoping to reaffirm my faith in having no expiration date.

I've got an itch to scratch....

But I don't wanna be dirty, I AM dirty.
I feel so sassy right now, I can't contain it.
I wanna be center stage and show the world what I can do.

In other news, here's some random lines from my notebook:

Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin

Did you remember?
Unless lost by a clock,
no you're not alone here
in your world beyond the tick tocks

I'll take you back
I'll save you, save you
Don't look back now
there's nothing there left for you.

MEOW! I'm working on turning that into a song. Coming very slowly.
I have a new goal. I will feel accomplished the moment I inspire someone enough to have them tattoo my words on them.

Whispered Life.

I feel inspired. Not by the vast depth of my dreams but rather the complex simplicity in sipping a soda. By the tedious task of texting. By the sheer magnitude of one short phrase.

This is my place. I belong here. I belong with those who were mad before me.

How is a raven like a writing desk?
I haven't the slightest idea.
Yet, I know in my heart lies an answer beyond my wildest dreams.

December 7th 2012 will be the moment. The moment for what? I'm not quite sure. But it is.

I know what is because it's not what isn't.

Ouch.

It's happening again!
That whole heart hurting thing.

It's just not fair. >.<
To the point where it breaks my heart. Shatters it completely. It turned into slate and broke into 19 pieces.

Somebody make this go away!

I just want to belong.

I fucking hate my life sometimes. I don't even know why. If I'm up too late with too many thoughts I just realize how much everything has changed, and how the people who I always thought would be there, left, and changed into the people they said they never would be.

Meow.

And a lot of times, my heart hurts. I think it's because I'm so afraid I'm going to be replaced. I'm afraid everyone will find better people, and forget me. I'm afraid I'm nothing special, one in a million, and there's even more people who are like me only completely awesome. I'm afraid that no one will want me anymore. I'm afraid that because they are all starting new lives with new people, I won't fit in. I feel like I won't belong.

Merrr.