Kind of like Grey's Anatomy

I was trying to get Jessamyn to watch Grey's Anatomy for the longest time, because it's amazing (And I finally did and she loves it). While describing it, I called it an "emotional journey" with hand gestures to match (that were kind of hilarious in the moment).

Well my life is also an "emotional journey." Sure, it's not written as well, has less of an audience, doesn't involve drastic surgeries (not yet), or a brain surgeon named McDreamy... But it's still this intense ride that goes from one extreme to the next.

I'm trying to sort it all out. Bimpe is the most intelligent woman alive, and she's good at getting me to wake up and stop being an emo kid for at least a moment, if not longer.

And there's four other people right now who have me so confused. One in a disappointing way, one in a tragically great sort of way, one in an earth-shattering/life altering way, and the last in a very, very common way. I don't like to call people out. Most of them don't know what's going on in my head. But then again, I don't even know what's going on in my head.

I kind of wish that I wasn't as smart as I am, not that I'm impressively intelligent or anything, just I kind of wish I was some ditsy girl who never questioned anything. But then there are those moments... like one I had today... where the fact that you questioned something allowed the chance for something beautifully spectacular to happen. But then there are also those moments... like the one I had today... where the fact that you questioned something allowed the chance for you to realize that things are more damaged than they seemed.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I was wrong.
The problem isn't the words or the ways.
It's just that... it's not right.

I don't know what to do.

I woke up this morning

Feeling kind of stupid for causing myself harm because it bothered someone else. And the first thing I do when I wake up every morning is check my text messages, and every morning I have new messages that make my so happy my heart flutters while butterflies tickle my stomach.

But then I get mad at myself again because I'm not supposed to feel this way. But what can I do? I can't change my heart. And it makes me feel alive.

"I'm not coming back,
I've done something so terrible,
I'm terrified to speak, but you'd
expect that from me.
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt,
now the rain is just washing
you out of my hair, and out of
my mind. Keeping an eye on the world,
from so many thousands of feet
off the ground. I'm over you now,
I'm at home in the clouds,
and towering you over my head."

I really don't belong here.
But other people believe I do,
so what am I supposed to feel?
I suppose I can die if you need me to.


______________________________________________________________________


I just realized something!
Why I don't believe people love me...
Because if they did, how could they let me feel such agony all the time?
There's two people I can think of that I know do care.
They are always there.
And they say the things they bring me back to feeling content,
and I can't thank them enough for paying attention.
But the ones I don't believe,
they are the ones that will end in tragedy because they don't see me.
They don't listen.
Or they don't take me seriously.
And how am I supposed to be happy with getting less than I need while the world watches me bleed?
And how am I supposed to carry on with this life when I'm not living?
I'm not talking about ending my actual existence here, but I'm talking about starting over.
I need to get away and find a new place.
Leave all of this behind.
And yes, I mean all of it.
I don't understand why anyone needs me here, when the two people who I believe truly care will be with me when I'm away.
You don't understand how jagged my heart is, how much I cry and plead for you to understand.
But you'll never get me, because you're different.
You don't feel as strong as I feel. And because of that I go numb.
And then I cut my skin to make sure that I'm not void of emotion. To make sure I'm human.
If one day I shouldn't feel the pain, then I'll know that I am dead.
This is the cycle I'm living, breathing, and can't you see how much that hurts? How much that sucks?
I know what I need to do to make steps towards living the life I've dreamed, but I can't do anything.
I can't hurt people to get where I need to be.
Bittersweet. No resolution for me.

Okay Previous Post Lies.

I know I at least have one person who understands me.

I don't have anyone.

No one gives me what I need.
What's the point?
Why do I care so much about being fucking happy... I should just be okay with making other people feel happy sometimes.

Running Thin.

I hate hurting other people. And I try my best to hurt myself to avoid it. Right now, that's what I have to do. Make sacrifices. Pretend everything is a dream. Pretend I don't cry myself to sleep. Pretend I don't have fading scars covered by a layer of fresh marks. Pretend it's so easy to be happy. Pretend I don't feel the way I feel. Pretend I don't want something different. Pretend I'm someone else.

I understand that this is necessary. I understand that I have to force myself to stop thinking that I should be allowed to do what I feel. But it doesn't make it any easier to succumb to.

I wish I could be surrounded by people who demanded as much emotion in every moment as I do. I wish someone else could just tell me that it's okay to be that way, and it's okay to only want to be with other people who live like that. I don't believe in the emotion of contentment. I don't believe in fine. I want more. And if the only emotion I'm allowed to feel without desperately changing my life is sadness, then so be it. It's better than being numb. God, I hate being numb.

I'm screaming, heart beating
just to break
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe
I'm trying, giving up
all I need
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin

I'm fighting, heart racing
for true love
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe
I'm losing, giving up
the battle
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin

I'm singing, heart crying
to be me
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

So I'll toss aside the ripped page
I tore from a forgotten notebook
And instead pick up a dull blade
Rusted with my wounded memory
I'll etch these words into my skin,
Watching maroon slip across ivory
Enhancing my life line running thin

Forget the paper,
etch these words into skin
Broken shades of maroon
to enhance lines running thin

I'm dying, giving up
all I breathe
And no one moves an inch
while they watch me cringe

Please, my life line's running thin.

I Want To Kill Myself

Metaphorically speaking. I think. For now.
I'm sitting here, feeling honestly like I'm the lowest of the low. I'm some evil demon that sprang from hell to make the people she cares about most feel bad. I'm hurting them, and that's hurting me. And then when it's hurting me, I hurt them more.
This isn't fair. I just want to be able to experience my feelings without someone telling me I'm wrong. That my heart isn't beating for the right reasons.
Well if my emotions aren't right, and I make every decision based off my feelings because that's what I have to go off of... then... what is my point for living?

I live to prove people wrong. I live to show them that I'm actually made of something. Now, to be honest, this is more to prove to myself that I'm something. That I'm worthwhile. Because right now listening to my best friend cry I feel selfish partaking in inhaling and exhaling.

I need a do over. Meh, that doesn't work does it? I need a start over. I need to remake my life. I need something completely new. I need to not be this pathetic excuse for a life. And every moment I sit here typing I'm feeling worse and worse. I just want to feel a blade ripping through my skin. I've often dreamed about how it would feel to finally cut through my neck, let go of all that useless blood.

But this is what I don't want to do! This is who I don't want to be! I want to love living. I want to not be so selfish. I want to be loved and feel deserving of it. I want something incredible.

And if I can't kill the me that's already so close to dying, then I have to summon some strength and literally take my own life.