I Want To Kill Myself

Metaphorically speaking. I think. For now.
I'm sitting here, feeling honestly like I'm the lowest of the low. I'm some evil demon that sprang from hell to make the people she cares about most feel bad. I'm hurting them, and that's hurting me. And then when it's hurting me, I hurt them more.
This isn't fair. I just want to be able to experience my feelings without someone telling me I'm wrong. That my heart isn't beating for the right reasons.
Well if my emotions aren't right, and I make every decision based off my feelings because that's what I have to go off of... then... what is my point for living?

I live to prove people wrong. I live to show them that I'm actually made of something. Now, to be honest, this is more to prove to myself that I'm something. That I'm worthwhile. Because right now listening to my best friend cry I feel selfish partaking in inhaling and exhaling.

I need a do over. Meh, that doesn't work does it? I need a start over. I need to remake my life. I need something completely new. I need to not be this pathetic excuse for a life. And every moment I sit here typing I'm feeling worse and worse. I just want to feel a blade ripping through my skin. I've often dreamed about how it would feel to finally cut through my neck, let go of all that useless blood.

But this is what I don't want to do! This is who I don't want to be! I want to love living. I want to not be so selfish. I want to be loved and feel deserving of it. I want something incredible.

And if I can't kill the me that's already so close to dying, then I have to summon some strength and literally take my own life.