I woke up this morning

Feeling kind of stupid for causing myself harm because it bothered someone else. And the first thing I do when I wake up every morning is check my text messages, and every morning I have new messages that make my so happy my heart flutters while butterflies tickle my stomach.

But then I get mad at myself again because I'm not supposed to feel this way. But what can I do? I can't change my heart. And it makes me feel alive.

"I'm not coming back,
I've done something so terrible,
I'm terrified to speak, but you'd
expect that from me.
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt,
now the rain is just washing
you out of my hair, and out of
my mind. Keeping an eye on the world,
from so many thousands of feet
off the ground. I'm over you now,
I'm at home in the clouds,
and towering you over my head."

I really don't belong here.
But other people believe I do,
so what am I supposed to feel?
I suppose I can die if you need me to.


______________________________________________________________________


I just realized something!
Why I don't believe people love me...
Because if they did, how could they let me feel such agony all the time?
There's two people I can think of that I know do care.
They are always there.
And they say the things they bring me back to feeling content,
and I can't thank them enough for paying attention.
But the ones I don't believe,
they are the ones that will end in tragedy because they don't see me.
They don't listen.
Or they don't take me seriously.
And how am I supposed to be happy with getting less than I need while the world watches me bleed?
And how am I supposed to carry on with this life when I'm not living?
I'm not talking about ending my actual existence here, but I'm talking about starting over.
I need to get away and find a new place.
Leave all of this behind.
And yes, I mean all of it.
I don't understand why anyone needs me here, when the two people who I believe truly care will be with me when I'm away.
You don't understand how jagged my heart is, how much I cry and plead for you to understand.
But you'll never get me, because you're different.
You don't feel as strong as I feel. And because of that I go numb.
And then I cut my skin to make sure that I'm not void of emotion. To make sure I'm human.
If one day I shouldn't feel the pain, then I'll know that I am dead.
This is the cycle I'm living, breathing, and can't you see how much that hurts? How much that sucks?
I know what I need to do to make steps towards living the life I've dreamed, but I can't do anything.
I can't hurt people to get where I need to be.
Bittersweet. No resolution for me.