Life would be beautiful

if it were easier to die.

Realization.

Whenever I feel happiness, I want to die.

A moment that's so incredible I shake and turn away. I run. Why can't I just keep looking at him? Why do I need that brief pause?

Every time I feel that good, I want it to all go away. I want to end on a note of perfection rather than battling demons and losing.

Nobody wants to die a "bad" way. Nobody wants to be brutally murdered or tortured or feel so sad they starve themselves to death or whatever the case.

It's usually, old age, in my sleep, with the one I love...

When I'm happy I want to die so I never experience the sad again. I want it all to end before it gets bad.



How am I ever supposed to feel healthy? How am I ever supposed to rid myself of all that anxiety that destroys me? How am I ever supposed to allow myself to be comfortable being me, living, and wanting to live? How... can I be?

I should bite my tongue...

this is only the beginning of something great. I have a feeling.

I'm so afraid

that you'll never look at me the way you looked at her.

Cracks on the Screen

My lap top broke, there are cracks along the screen surrounded by black and red shades. It's highly distracting and annoying... But I can still work with them there. It doesn't completely ruin everything.


I have scars on my skin, and, to my parents, they are highly distracting and annoying. They are a reminder of their "failed" years.

I have memories that bring me pain. They are highly distracting and annoying, incessantly trying to attack every good thing in my present.

But these things don't completely ruin everything. I can live with them.


I think.

Girls are silly. I'm silly.

They're so catty, and they just keep clawing and clawing.

I hate fighting. I hate conflict. Yes, every good story needs conflict. Well.. I suppose, I create it within myself more often than anything.

I try to avoid fighting with friends. In the past, this made me have like one or two huge fights with girls I was friends with. But now, I can't see ever fighting with any of them. Why? Well, I've grown up a little. I'm just not bothered by things that used to bother me. I accept my friends. And if they have a problem with me, I just walk away from it.

But girls are always causing drama, right? Honestly, I think it's because they're all too proud to admit that they are either: jealous, selfish, or hurt. Instead they attack, attack, attack! Rather than explain the REAL reason they are feeling upset.

I like to be honest about that stuff. No confusion. But with some people, that can even be difficult. In my experience, my words usually get twisted away from me, and start to mean something else. And that one... just makes me give up. What's the point? One a person is so locked into an idea, they aren't going to just up and change because I say: I love you and I care.

People are so frustrating! Don't they see that all this fighting is just a waste of time? Get down from your high horse or simply move on. If you stir drama, you care. You want to provoke something out of the other person. What's the god damn point?

I know, I'm ranting. But this is a good distraction from my fear of night. Instead focusing on the parts of the human race that I cannot stand. But, confession... I sometimes wish I could be like them. Believe me, I have tried. Some may even tell you I am just because one attempt seemed to go well.

But... I'm just not. Frankly, I just don't give a flying fuck. But I wish I did.

And I wish that I didn't have to think like this all the time. I wish that I could just be like "LOLZ LYF IS GR8!" all the freaking time. But I just can't! I'm always questioning, always seeking, always ignoring every day life to get a glimpse of eternity.

Simple-minded would be nice right now

Even everything will never be enough.

I've realized this. My head is aching. I can't sleep. God, what I would give to just be able to sleep. I'm afraid of the dark, afraid of my dreams, afraid of night.

I'm waiting for the sun to rise, because that's when everything can be alright.

And... my heart feels that same kind of ache, just not as dominant. It's faintly pumping fear into my veins. Just now, I heard a slight noise and I'm terrified I'm going to die.

But... why am I so terrified? Once I tried to make that happen. A lot of times, I wish I could have the strength to try again. Now, it would be a way to end all this suffering I feel at 4:33 am.

Every fucking night I'm alone, it's like this. What's wrong with me?

Why can't I see the beauty in everything?

Why can't I get past the fear?

Why am I torturing myself like this?