I had been on a rampage of posting pointless facebook notes, and one in particular asked for my friends to comment about me. One question asked what my best traits were, and one friend said: "You do this 'look into people's soul' thing. It's really cool."
I had no reflected on this aspect of myself. I never considered other people were interested in knowing the spiritual side of me. Here's a secret: I see colors. I see energies. I feel spirits. I don't believe in any of it.
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I was tired. My eyes slowly burned out from their sockets staring at the computer screen. How long could it possibly take for an answer? Here I was, having a heart-to-heart via instant messaging with the love of my life. Zach was everything I admired in a boy, cute, funny, easy to talk to, and comfortable. That last one was hard to find. Although he wasn't the brightest flame of the fire, he was everything to me.
This final year of middle school had consisted of me falling madly in love with him, and he proceded to date every one of my best friends instead. I told him how much I loved him, and now I sat here waiting for an answer. A mutual exchange of affection. A thank you. Something. He told me he loved me too, but as a friend. My nervousness ceased, replaced by a feeling of worthlessness. Why did that part strike me the way it did? Why did electric waves curse my bloodstream everytime I thought about what that actually meant? Why was I dying?
My whole life I had been ridiculous about boys. I constantly wanted them to fall in love with me, to feel like I meant something. Perhaps the disney dreamer in me thought all problems were solved once the hero fell in love with the damsel in distress.
I backed away from the computer. I felt tears trickling down my cheeks, off the end of my nose. I had been heartbroken. As I move towards my bedroom, my parents ask me to sit down. They told me I was moving again, I was going to Middleton. I bit my lip as they gave their explanations, I knew the real reason. They always thought they could fix their unhappiness with a new location, a new home. They thought they could make us a family again. Too late, I thought. You lost me a long time ago.
I HAD to do something. Something extreme. I nodded my head at my parents and went to my room. She's upset, I heard my dad say. Of course she is, but she'll be fine, my mom began, she's always fine. She just needs to sleep.
Oh I wanted to scream. I wanted to do something drastic, something insane. Too bad creativity flees my mind while I'm angry. I tend to avoid the emotion as much as possible, but here it was building inside me. Anger... at myself. At my own failure. I wasn't good enough. I wanted to make myself truly believe I was worth nothing.
I saw a saftey pin sitting on my dresser, the silver reflected in my irises as I stared at the sharp pointed end. I reached for the pin and instantly became fascinated with possibilites. I scratched at my wrist with the needle. Searing pain started as layers of skin came off. Sweet, satisfying physical pain. Finally I cut deep enough to see blood. I watched it ooze down my hand, drip off my fingertips. I rubbed my finger along the edges of the cut, working hard to squeeze out more. I returned to using the safety pin and dug it into my pale wrist once again.
The contrast between the ivory pigment of my useless skin and the deep scarlet of my blood looked beautiful, in my fantasies only I supposed. The liquid looked like it didn't belong to me, like it never was supposed to be inside me. I didn't need it keeping me alive in the first place. As I clenched to my bed spread allowing pain to consume me, I thought, with a smile, that I had escaped. Nothing can stop an obsession quite like an addiction.
I closed my eyes, bringing my feet into my chest and taking in my new constant. A broken heart is a terrifying thing to live through. My mouth felt dry, and tasted like bitter emptiness, and I began to cry once more. I prayed for God to help me find my way, for this to be over. I prayed for courage that would never come. I at least wanted the strength to take my own life, if I couldn’t summon enough to live through it.
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