You are the person I love to hate, hate to love, love to love, hate to hate. Every moment is new and fresh. It's hard to figure out what we are, if we are even anything. But no matter what you're there, present in my life. I can't rid myself of you, believe me I've tried. Something makes it last. I get jealous of you a lot, I feel insecure in your presence when I'm with a group... I don't think you know that. Yet, when it's only me and you I feel as if I could never do wrong. It's such a weird imbalance.
I feel like I have no idea who you are. I get jealous to see that you feel so much for the friends that I introduced you to. I want to be close to you. I want to know you, what goes on in that strange, immature head of yours. But you don't let me. You distract yourself from life, and ignore those pushing and pushing to be close to you while instead focusing on those who couldn't get away faster. I don't think you realize anything that is right in front of your eyes.
Sometimes, I use you. I hate that I do. I can see it, realize it, process it, and then I pretend that it's all okay, since I do love your company so much. Still, I use you for my addictions. Needing to be loved. Needing to buy things. Needing to sing. Needing to get away. You provide all those escapes. I don't like thinking that I'm abusing our friendship because you do mean the world to me. I don't think I've ever had a friend care so much about me as you do. You put forth all the effort that I've always wanted, and I think I take it for granted.
You are my life's greatest mystery. It's so hard to feel like I'm even close to you, and at the same time I feel like I'm closer than anyone could ever dream of to you. I suppose I wish you'd be more upfront. I hate having to crack codes and smiles and actions to find out how someone thinks and feels. I know you try, more with me than anyone else. I know you care. I know that I'm the one who knows the most about you. I feel so lucky to have that, to be able to say I know you best. But at the same time, I think there's a block. I think there's a whole other wall built up that I would give anything to tear down.
I want you to know that people think you're great. I want you to see that you're beautiful inside and out, and anything you are unhappy with can be changed. I want you to see that if you were to just disappear, people would be miserable. People would be affected. You make an impact. And normally I think, everyone has a right to their own life and that includes ending it. However, I'm quoting another friend to say, "The realities you talk about to justify suicide, don't exist for you. They just don't." You need to see that. I wish I could let you listen into conversations I've had where we talk about how wonderful you are. I wish I could let you read my thoughts about how you make me think and feel. You're extraordinary, talented, intelligent, and you could have the world. The only person standing in your way is you, let go of her.
I just started talking to you, and I believe in every way that you are beautiful. I catch you staring at me during conversations. I think it's because you are trying to analyze me so that you can fix me. You have that about you. You want everyone to be happy, and you don't put yourself first. I know this from just meeting you. You radiate possibility and joy and your beauty is too obvious for it to go unnoticed. I wish I could be like that. But I admire the fact that you have that, and that I don't. I wish so badly to be your real friend.
You're a sweetheart. You're always smiling. But you, I'm so worried about you. I think one day it might hit you that the fairy tale isn't exactly what you make it out to be in your head. I think you live your life with a lens that only lets you see things the way you want to see them, rather than how they actually are. It's a fantasy. I don't want to see you crushed by it. I think you're very mature for your age, and I think you've had so many grown up experiences. However, I think you're clinging to something that isn't real, and depending on it for your well-being. It isn't healthy.
You know I'm obsessed with you, to the point where people think I'm really weird. You've been my obsession my whole life. I'm so afraid that I'm losing you... Every single day. I want to be close to you more than anything. I want everyone I love to love you. I feel you are the greatest gift to this world... and I need to stop putting all that pressure on you. I make you feel inferior to my version of you. You think of yourself as this lowly, average being... and I see you as all that is great, grand, and wonderful in this world. I think someday you'll realize why, but until then I'll try my best to treat you as if you're exactly like everyone else.
I think you're delusional. I think you could be a good person. I think you could be my every heart's desire. But you threw that all away so long ago... and that changed me completely. You promised you wouldn't do it. I know, people say that all the time... But what I said I meant. I thought you did the same.
I really wish there wasn't an awkwardness between us. I love you so much. I think you're one of my best friends, and we relate so easily. But, there are these feelings on your side that I just don't understand or want any part of. And I don't mind that much, it's just I can never be totally comfortable. I'm constantly worried about how far apart we sit from each other and if you try to put your arm around me. I hate it. I hate that you want that closeness. I wish you could just want to talk to me and be like my brother.
I'm so happy I found you. Yeah, you're young. Yeah, you live far away. Yeah, I've never met you. But you make me question everything I thought was normal. You make me see the lyrical beauty in sitting on my couch. You make me more creative. I don't know how. Your positive energy withstands through anything. I respect you so much for being the person you are despite everything you have gone through. I wish you were here. I wish I could actually spend real time with you, because I think we're meant to be friends. You feel like my soul mate, I don't mean that in a romantic way, but more like... your best qualities are the ones I lack. Your thoughts match mine. You said you were thinking of getting a star tattoo. Basically, I believe in you. Everything you say and do, because I don't know anybody else who had thoughts like yours at that age... except myself.
I desperately seek your approval, which I know I'll never get. You say things that make me happy, but I know you do it on purpose. I want you to like what I do. I want you to respect me and my art. But I honestly don't see that ever happening.
I miss you. I know we were never really close in the kind of way I wanted... but I don't think you really have that with anyone. Not completely. I want you to open up to not just me, but the world. I feel that is why you're always so disappointed.
I hope you'll be my friend, because you seem neat. :)
And to you... you had a breakthrough last night. You saw a glimmer of what could be. You felt appreciated. But you dismissed it, like you always do. I think you want to be messed up. You want to have no reason to live. The truth is, you're a pretty okay person. You have a pretty good life. You have reasons to be sad at times, but hey, things have been well above average lately. You're talented, but you second guess yourself to the point where it becomes self-destructive. You have a lot of love for people, but you don't know how to handle rejection. You're so afraid that people won't love you like you love them, that instead you pretend to hate them. You act like you don't care, but really you can't watch a half hour sitcom without crying. You think by being messed up, you'll seem stronger. Instead, ignoring the happiness and refusing to be bright and shiny makes you weak. You have all this potential... you're one of those people that wants more than just the average. You question EVERYTHING and never falter in your values. But you don't accept yourself, you don't accept your emotions, and you don't accept your power. You could obtain all that you dream of, but you're too scared. Being afraid is a waste of time, and you believe that being afraid makes you a waste of life. Everyone is scared to leap, but you have to learn to just let go, take a deep breath, and jump.
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