in all space in time, I have realized what, or rather who, is important to me. All it took was a peculiar series of events, and I have found out who really matters. I know exactly what my heart is feeling.
The only trouble is, my feelings are at all logical. I want to be closer to people I don't really know. I want to be closer to people I almost have no chance at getting close to. But they matter. I want distance from a lot of those trying to push down any walls I build to keep a barrier between us.
I can't figure out exactly what to do. But this is one of those times when life is an adventure, and I just need to follow along, accepting everything thrown my way, and making decisions when different opportunities are presented. You know.. like the goosebumps choose your own adventure novels. I was always so mad at them because sometimes they didn't have a choice that I wanted to make, or sometimes the outcomes would be lame so then I'd go back and change my path. I'd reread and reread, yet I never felt I truly got to choose my own adventure. But you can't do that with life. You can't go back and choose a new adventure. You're given one big one, that can be divided into a series of little ones. No matter how many fresh starts, you never truly go back to the beginning. Sometimes what we want to do is not an option. Sometimes, the outcomes suck. But this is reality, and in reality we can't turn the pages back.
Our adventure, our fate, our destiny... isn't completely in our hands.
It's difficult for me to accept that.
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