Dirty Little Secret

Let me be honest, I'm a great liar.
I am extremely honest almost all the time, yet I am a phenomenal liar.
And I lie about what matters, that's the tragic thing.
I've become so attuned to putting up a front, it doesn't even feel like a lie anymore. It's starting to feel like I actually am what I say. But my heart knows I'm not. And the people who know my heart, would know that I'm not. I'm not exactly sure who those people are. I think I could name a couple.

Feelings don't make sense.
But I'm afraid of the apathetic. I was like that once, probably an influence from the ex love of my life. And the reason we failed? Well, he stopped caring. That was exactly it.
People who don't care scare me.
But me, I care foolishly or not at all.
What's the logic in that?

"I can make people think that I'm normal, that I'm coping, that I'm okay. But I've never been okay."

You'll never understand
because you don't scratch your skin when you look in the mirror
and daydream about some car out the window running you over
You'll never understand
because you don't feel the urge to scream every waking moment
and fear the falsity of love your dreams present
You'll never understand
because you don't have to bleed for the world to make sense
and feel undeserving of even the slightest happiness.

^ That side of me.. that dark, suicidal, insane part of me... Doesn't surface that often anymore. However, when it does, it's bad. It's the worst it's ever been. Every time I get closer and closer. Right now I'm fine. Right now I'm alive. Right now I'm even happy.

Or maybe I'm lying to myself. Maybe I'm never okay. Maybe I've forced myself into delusion to keep from hurting others. Let me be honest, I'm a great liar. And the best liars are the ones that can convince themselves to believe.